The top 11 reasons why I shaved off my beard - The top 11 reasons why I shaved my beard off
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My beard is gone. I know this must come as a shock to some of you. Perhaps the word "tragedy" comes to mind. And what kind of writer would I be if I didn't offer an explanation?
chapters
chapter 1:
The top 11 reasons why I shaved my beard off
The top 11 reasons why I shaved my beard off
chapter 1
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updated 08/04/08
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1632 characters
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5 people liked it
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4 reviews
1. My beard was a double agent after all. He not only broke my femur, he broke my heart.
2. If you sprinkle beard dust on the stomach of a retired coconut monkey, you’ll receive seasons 1 and 3 of Charles in Charge on freshly polished DVDs. (Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.)
3. You know what they say. Hare today, gone tomorrow. And that darn bunny rabbit stole my hecking beard.
4. I never even had a beard. The so-called “beard hairs” were actually tiny grubs that migrated south for the summer.
5. When I had the beard, too many people could tell I’m actually a giant Gnome.
6. There’s a treasure map on my chin that will lead me to a magical land where penguins can fly, and flies can penguin.
7. I prefer fake handlebar mustaches that can be used as a boomerang.
8. My beard actually shaved me off, because he thought I was too scratchy.
9. Beard? More like peered. As in, I peered into the crystal ball, and it told me to shave off my beard because the crystal ball has an inferiority complex, and wants everyone to be as hairless as he is, even though he’s great just the way he is, you know?
10. I shaved off my beard during an initiation ritual to join the Secret Society of Beardless Ninja Pirates Who Love Sporks and (to a Lesser Extent) Wicker Baskets.
11. A mad scientist named Benny Shipp (no relation) splashed me with a vial of aspartame, and my beard mutated into a cross between one of the babies from Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2 and Donald Rumsfeld. Of course, we had to battle to the doom. And he doomed.
http://www.jeremycshipp.com
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2. If you sprinkle beard dust on the stomach of a retired coconut monkey, you’ll receive seasons 1 and 3 of Charles in Charge on freshly polished DVDs. (Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.)
3. You know what they say. Hare today, gone tomorrow. And that darn bunny rabbit stole my hecking beard.
4. I never even had a beard. The so-called “beard hairs” were actually tiny grubs that migrated south for the summer.
5. When I had the beard, too many people could tell I’m actually a giant Gnome.
6. There’s a treasure map on my chin that will lead me to a magical land where penguins can fly, and flies can penguin.
7. I prefer fake handlebar mustaches that can be used as a boomerang.
8. My beard actually shaved me off, because he thought I was too scratchy.
9. Beard? More like peered. As in, I peered into the crystal ball, and it told me to shave off my beard because the crystal ball has an inferiority complex, and wants everyone to be as hairless as he is, even though he’s great just the way he is, you know?
10. I shaved off my beard during an initiation ritual to join the Secret Society of Beardless Ninja Pirates Who Love Sporks and (to a Lesser Extent) Wicker Baskets.
11. A mad scientist named Benny Shipp (no relation) splashed me with a vial of aspartame, and my beard mutated into a cross between one of the babies from Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2 and Donald Rumsfeld. Of course, we had to battle to the doom. And he doomed.
http://www.jeremycshipp.com
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