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What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
A world-renowned relationship expert shares his research about love and what it takes to develop a trustful, intimate, and emotionally fulfilling bond.
In this insightful book, celebrated research psychologist and couples counselor John Gottman plumbs the mysteries of love and shares the results of his famous “Love Lab”: Where does love come from? Why does some love last, and why does some fade? And how can we keep it alive? Based on laboratory findings, this book shows readers how to identify signs, behaviors, and attitudes that indicate a fraying relationship and provides strategies for repairing what may seem lost or broken.
In this insightful book, celebrated research psychologist and couples counselor John Gottman plumbs the mysteries of love and shares the results of his famous “Love Lab”: Where does love come from? Why does some love last, and why does some fade? And how can we keep it alive? Based on laboratory findings, this book shows readers how to identify signs, behaviors, and attitudes that indicate a fraying relationship and provides strategies for repairing what may seem lost or broken.
304 pages, ebook
First published January 1, 2012
907 people are currently reading
10332 people want to read
About the author
John M. Gottman
95 books2,043 followersDr. Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the author or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child — among many others. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 287 reviews
February 8, 2014
The Gottman institute applied science to relationships and solved that whole problem. Perhaps the first great scientific achievement of the century. John Gottman can sit down with a couple for a short time and tell you, with over 90% accuracy, if that couple will divorce. It is not magic either, the Gottman Institute trained a bunch of undergrads to be able to tell with 80% accuracy if a couple was doomed or not.
It turns out that a couple prevails or flounders based on trust. It is not mental illnesses, devastating history, strange cultural beliefs, attractiveness, or any of that crap. The Gottman Institute doesn't bother with any of that because it is statistically insignificant. Trust is what matters, over big and small things. Do both people trust that the other is looking out for them?
Gottman actually has three quantities he uses to describe the trust within a couple. He calls them the trust metric, trustworthiness, and the betrayal metric (into the last of which he does not delve very deeply).
A couple on a downward spiral follows a pretty predictable path:
(1) Couples only mutually pay attention to each other 9% of the time. "Bids" for attention/validation/affirmation are missed by one partner and escalates into a conflict.
(2) The conflict is never really resolved and becomes apart of the couples permanent history (the Ziegarnik effect), then reffered to as a regrettable incident.
(3) Regrettable incidents pile up until someone enters NSO (negative sentiment override) and simply interprets everything the other does negatively.
(4) At least one member starts making "negative COMPS", negative comparisons between their lover and either another person or choice. "If only I would have chosen that job instead of her" counts as a negative comp. This is a silent betrayal which has all sorts of terrible cascading effects.
(5) The four horsemen (i) contempt, (ii)criticism, (iii) defensiveness, (iv) stonewalling enter the relationship
(6) The couple rewrites its personal history in a negative light
This path is intercepted by Gottman by changing the way in which couples argue, makeup, and communicate. Couples which succeed have deep emotional intimacy which stems from how they talk. He identifies four skills of intimate conversation. (i) putting your feelings into words. (ii) ask open-ended questions (iii) connection-deepening statements (iv) express compassion and empathy. Gottman also says that couples which are happy argue in a way which minimize regrettable incidences and repair them when they do happen.
Gottman is based in research, not hunches, like most relationship books. He has a lens into what happy and miserable couples actually do. He has done the math to be able to describe and predict love. It has been solved. Also, he is from the UW, go huskies.
It turns out that a couple prevails or flounders based on trust. It is not mental illnesses, devastating history, strange cultural beliefs, attractiveness, or any of that crap. The Gottman Institute doesn't bother with any of that because it is statistically insignificant. Trust is what matters, over big and small things. Do both people trust that the other is looking out for them?
Gottman actually has three quantities he uses to describe the trust within a couple. He calls them the trust metric, trustworthiness, and the betrayal metric (into the last of which he does not delve very deeply).
A couple on a downward spiral follows a pretty predictable path:
(1) Couples only mutually pay attention to each other 9% of the time. "Bids" for attention/validation/affirmation are missed by one partner and escalates into a conflict.
(2) The conflict is never really resolved and becomes apart of the couples permanent history (the Ziegarnik effect), then reffered to as a regrettable incident.
(3) Regrettable incidents pile up until someone enters NSO (negative sentiment override) and simply interprets everything the other does negatively.
(4) At least one member starts making "negative COMPS", negative comparisons between their lover and either another person or choice. "If only I would have chosen that job instead of her" counts as a negative comp. This is a silent betrayal which has all sorts of terrible cascading effects.
(5) The four horsemen (i) contempt, (ii)criticism, (iii) defensiveness, (iv) stonewalling enter the relationship
(6) The couple rewrites its personal history in a negative light
This path is intercepted by Gottman by changing the way in which couples argue, makeup, and communicate. Couples which succeed have deep emotional intimacy which stems from how they talk. He identifies four skills of intimate conversation. (i) putting your feelings into words. (ii) ask open-ended questions (iii) connection-deepening statements (iv) express compassion and empathy. Gottman also says that couples which are happy argue in a way which minimize regrettable incidences and repair them when they do happen.
Gottman is based in research, not hunches, like most relationship books. He has a lens into what happy and miserable couples actually do. He has done the math to be able to describe and predict love. It has been solved. Also, he is from the UW, go huskies.
October 13, 2013
It’s the most meaningful research based relationship advice I’ve ever read.
Loving partnership gives us wonderful gifts that make life worth living: a sense of purpose, greater health and wealth, and, of course, loving care and nurturance. We all desire to have it. But, how to make it last for decades?
“What Makes Love Last” is very different from any other relationship book I’ve read before. Dr. Gootman knows his subject in depth.
POSITIVE IMPRESSIONS
- Conclusions and recommendations are based on the objective data from scientific studies
- Number of useful assessment metrics and tests (measure trust metric, accessing sex and romance, “is this a real thing” quiz, etc)
- A perfect balance between sientific and general writing style.
- Lots of valuable advice (I took about 3 pages of notes)
SOME VALUABLE NOTES
The Zeigarnik effect about unresolved issues (people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks)
Negative comparisons lead to betrayal
Relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasent conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection thats seems unavailable from the partner
Attunement : ability to understand each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other
Not to give advice unless asked. Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution
Turn to each other during sliding door moments. Do not move onto negotiating a compromise until you can say to each other Yes you got it. That is exactly my position and what I am feeling.
Stick to “I feel” “I need” statements instead of “You don’t…”, “You should”
When partners are upset, their negative emitions line up like dominos. What else are you feeling ? Is there more you want to say?
Listener: pause and breathe, write down what your partners says and any defensiveness you are feeling, remember your love and respect (in this relationship we do not ignore one another plans, I have to understand this hurt)
The sexually active partners had a closer friendship and were commited to making sex a priority.
Most women want sex sex when they already feel emotionally close, but for men sex is a way of becoming emotionally close.
Five dimensions of interview to predict risk of divorce:
• Positive vs negative past memories
• I vs WE statements
• Still remember love map detais of memorable moments and partner's inner world
• Telling how they struggle and overcome difficulties instead of chaos description
• Feeling of satisfaction with the relationship vs disappoitment
When a man realizes how critical it is that he make his wife feel secure, their relationship reaps enourmous benefits, and so does their health.
Description of trust game (Individual who risk trusting others benefit more than those who are suspicious)
Enduring love comes when we love most of what we learn about the other person and can tolerate the faults they cannot change
CRITICS
- Beside sex chapter the book has too brief advice on “How to improve it” after the measurement was take.
- It’s age resistant relationship advice, but still it would be good to mention some modern family challenges (Dual income household, impact of Facebook and mobile…)
- Money and household economics is often an issue, the book has no mentions of money problems and dealing with them
CONCLUSION
The book provides relationship assessment tool and illuminates what it takes to create a relationship that is mutually satisfying and adds profound meaning to your life.
Leo Ostapiv, the author of Home Finances for Couples
Loving partnership gives us wonderful gifts that make life worth living: a sense of purpose, greater health and wealth, and, of course, loving care and nurturance. We all desire to have it. But, how to make it last for decades?
“What Makes Love Last” is very different from any other relationship book I’ve read before. Dr. Gootman knows his subject in depth.
POSITIVE IMPRESSIONS
- Conclusions and recommendations are based on the objective data from scientific studies
- Number of useful assessment metrics and tests (measure trust metric, accessing sex and romance, “is this a real thing” quiz, etc)
- A perfect balance between sientific and general writing style.
- Lots of valuable advice (I took about 3 pages of notes)
SOME VALUABLE NOTES
The Zeigarnik effect about unresolved issues (people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks)
Negative comparisons lead to betrayal
Relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasent conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection thats seems unavailable from the partner
Attunement : ability to understand each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other
Not to give advice unless asked. Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution
Turn to each other during sliding door moments. Do not move onto negotiating a compromise until you can say to each other Yes you got it. That is exactly my position and what I am feeling.
Stick to “I feel” “I need” statements instead of “You don’t…”, “You should”
When partners are upset, their negative emitions line up like dominos. What else are you feeling ? Is there more you want to say?
Listener: pause and breathe, write down what your partners says and any defensiveness you are feeling, remember your love and respect (in this relationship we do not ignore one another plans, I have to understand this hurt)
The sexually active partners had a closer friendship and were commited to making sex a priority.
Most women want sex sex when they already feel emotionally close, but for men sex is a way of becoming emotionally close.
Five dimensions of interview to predict risk of divorce:
• Positive vs negative past memories
• I vs WE statements
• Still remember love map detais of memorable moments and partner's inner world
• Telling how they struggle and overcome difficulties instead of chaos description
• Feeling of satisfaction with the relationship vs disappoitment
When a man realizes how critical it is that he make his wife feel secure, their relationship reaps enourmous benefits, and so does their health.
Description of trust game (Individual who risk trusting others benefit more than those who are suspicious)
Enduring love comes when we love most of what we learn about the other person and can tolerate the faults they cannot change
CRITICS
- Beside sex chapter the book has too brief advice on “How to improve it” after the measurement was take.
- It’s age resistant relationship advice, but still it would be good to mention some modern family challenges (Dual income household, impact of Facebook and mobile…)
- Money and household economics is often an issue, the book has no mentions of money problems and dealing with them
CONCLUSION
The book provides relationship assessment tool and illuminates what it takes to create a relationship that is mutually satisfying and adds profound meaning to your life.
Leo Ostapiv, the author of Home Finances for Couples
September 9, 2012
John Gottman has done it again. This book should be REQUIRED reading for anyone who wants to have successful relationships. John Gottman has come full circle in this book, closing the gap on a lot of his earlier interventions that didn't go quite far enough. Read it - you'll be glad you did.
May 7, 2013
“Infatuation, sudden attraction, is partly a fever of surfaces, and absence of knowledge. Falling in love is also falling into knowledge. Enduring love comes when we love most of what we learn about the other person and can tolerate the faults they cannot change.” – Louise Erdrich (as quoted in “What Makes Love Last?”)
Read this book.
Read this book if you are in a relationship.
Read this book if you have been in a relationship.
Read this book if you hope to be in a relationship.
Read this book if you know people who are or might be in a relationship.
I’m not sure if it’s coming across that I think you should read this book, but I do, and you should.
True, I have something of a passion for Gottman’s work. My own research is a (not so subtle) offshoot of his own groundbreaking research in marriage and couples relationships. Consider: John Gottman has been able to mathematically, quantitatively, and reliably determine whether a couple will stay together after five years of observation. That’s a pretty staggering thing when you stop and let it sink in. Relationships are almost magical when they work, and toxic when they don’t… and everyone has an opinion about how that “magic” happens. It’s really incredible then, that Gottman and his cohorts have been able to strip away the mysticism of what makes relationships thrive or die. (Using MATH of all things. Blech.)
“What Makes Love Last?” Is in my humble opinion (and take it for what it’s worth- a research fanboy’s reaction) the best book Gottman has put out for general readership in terms of utility and accessibility. The essence of Gottman’s book is identifying the core of relationships: trust and betrayal. He spells out a very clear, empirically sound case for this, then deftly makes it practical with measures that couples can fill out together, and strategies for building the trust while minimizing the betrayal. Gottman also does what other relationship books usually fail to do (which he points out): addresses all aspects of a relationship, meaning that in addition to talking about communication and friendship, he also approaches physical intimacy. He does this simply, practically, and without fanfare - but also necessarily. He makes the compelling (and intuitive) argument that a couple’s physical relationship is often overlooked in counseling and books, and that authors tend to focus on one side of the relationship or the other. I respect how Gottman encompasses the entirety of relationships and how to optimize them.
I hope that all of what I’ve written comes off as a tease, because I’m purposely not giving away any of the content or details. That’s how much I want you to read it (and I’m chatty – I love giving details on this stuff.)
I would especially recommend this book for therapists. If you are working with couples and you haven’t heard about or studied Gottman’s writing, a) it’s time you did, and b) this is the book to start with. Because “What Makes Love Last” is simple and straightforward, it is a convenient resource for practitioners. Whether you want to use some of his relationship measures or practice his concepts in therapy, Gottman’s research is something that you can instantly latch onto and make work for your clients. There is actually a school of couples counseling built around Gottman’s research; while I had planned on learning more about it in the past, reading “What Makes Love Last” has crystalized those plans for exposure into plans for expertise. You can’t go wrong with an empirically validated methodology that is skillfully applied to therapy.
In short, read this book! Other books by Gottman that are application-oriented include: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” and “The Relationship Cure.” If “What Makes Love Last?” tickles your fancy, I suggest giving them a read; they’re just as information rich, but perhaps a bit more niche specific.
“Trust always comes down to risk. If you make yourself vulnerable to another person, there’s no guarantee you won’t be hurt. But more often than not, it’s worth it. This is not a platitude, but a fact.” – John Gottman.
Read this book.
Read this book if you are in a relationship.
Read this book if you have been in a relationship.
Read this book if you hope to be in a relationship.
Read this book if you know people who are or might be in a relationship.
I’m not sure if it’s coming across that I think you should read this book, but I do, and you should.
True, I have something of a passion for Gottman’s work. My own research is a (not so subtle) offshoot of his own groundbreaking research in marriage and couples relationships. Consider: John Gottman has been able to mathematically, quantitatively, and reliably determine whether a couple will stay together after five years of observation. That’s a pretty staggering thing when you stop and let it sink in. Relationships are almost magical when they work, and toxic when they don’t… and everyone has an opinion about how that “magic” happens. It’s really incredible then, that Gottman and his cohorts have been able to strip away the mysticism of what makes relationships thrive or die. (Using MATH of all things. Blech.)
“What Makes Love Last?” Is in my humble opinion (and take it for what it’s worth- a research fanboy’s reaction) the best book Gottman has put out for general readership in terms of utility and accessibility. The essence of Gottman’s book is identifying the core of relationships: trust and betrayal. He spells out a very clear, empirically sound case for this, then deftly makes it practical with measures that couples can fill out together, and strategies for building the trust while minimizing the betrayal. Gottman also does what other relationship books usually fail to do (which he points out): addresses all aspects of a relationship, meaning that in addition to talking about communication and friendship, he also approaches physical intimacy. He does this simply, practically, and without fanfare - but also necessarily. He makes the compelling (and intuitive) argument that a couple’s physical relationship is often overlooked in counseling and books, and that authors tend to focus on one side of the relationship or the other. I respect how Gottman encompasses the entirety of relationships and how to optimize them.
I hope that all of what I’ve written comes off as a tease, because I’m purposely not giving away any of the content or details. That’s how much I want you to read it (and I’m chatty – I love giving details on this stuff.)
I would especially recommend this book for therapists. If you are working with couples and you haven’t heard about or studied Gottman’s writing, a) it’s time you did, and b) this is the book to start with. Because “What Makes Love Last” is simple and straightforward, it is a convenient resource for practitioners. Whether you want to use some of his relationship measures or practice his concepts in therapy, Gottman’s research is something that you can instantly latch onto and make work for your clients. There is actually a school of couples counseling built around Gottman’s research; while I had planned on learning more about it in the past, reading “What Makes Love Last” has crystalized those plans for exposure into plans for expertise. You can’t go wrong with an empirically validated methodology that is skillfully applied to therapy.
In short, read this book! Other books by Gottman that are application-oriented include: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” and “The Relationship Cure.” If “What Makes Love Last?” tickles your fancy, I suggest giving them a read; they’re just as information rich, but perhaps a bit more niche specific.
“Trust always comes down to risk. If you make yourself vulnerable to another person, there’s no guarantee you won’t be hurt. But more often than not, it’s worth it. This is not a platitude, but a fact.” – John Gottman.
July 10, 2017
Helpful hints.
Some unhappy couples give up on their marriage & divorce. Seven key principles can improve the odds of maintaining a positive relationship. Described in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they emphasize the value of friendship btwn partners, accepting each other's influence, & being gentle during disagreements.
What's most puzzling about unhappy couples is their sincere insistence of deep love & commitment - even as they order each other to 'shut up.' They act like adversaries rather than lovers, trapped by an absorbing state of negativity. A specific poison renders them unhappy: betrayal.
Betrayal is the secret that lies at the heart of every failing relationship. If a spouse puts career ahead of relationship, that is betrayal. When one keeps breaking her promise, that is also betrayal. Pervasive coldness, selfishness, unfairness, and other destructive behaviors are all evidence of disloyalty.
There is a fundamental principle for making relationships work that serves as an antidote to unfaithfulness. That principle is trust. Happy couples say that mutual trust is what lets them feel safe with each other, deepens their love, & allows friendship & sexual intimacy to blossom. Unhappy partners lack this element.
In relationships where there is a high potential for betrayal, people waste time & emotional energy. Whether the fear concerns adultery or faithlessness, suspicious people act like detectives or prosecuting attorneys, interrogating partners, looking for verification that their insecurity is justified. Decision making becomes exhaustive. Stress levels go into hyperdrive.
In sharp contrast, trust removes an enormous amount of stress b/c it allows you to act w/ incomplete information. You don't subject your mind to & body to constant worry, so the complexity of decision making falls. Implicit trust saves you a lot of time.
Not all relationships can or should survive betrayal. The loss must be acknowledged & confronted before moving on. If you are recovering fm a breakup, understand what went wrong & try again with someone new.
Charting a way forward after a deep wound is just as important as learning to make a relationship work. If your last relationship failed, you may fear trusting someone again. But this wariness can leave you vulnerable to lifelong, profound loneliness. Isolation has serious psychological repercussions as well as physical ones. By fine-tuning your radar for deception, you can develop the courage, strength & wisdom to search for a trustworthy partner.
In TV crime show, Numb3ers, they prevent a terrorist attack using a 'trust metric' to calculate the loyalty level among suspected terrorists.
Some wariness is common among newlyweds and couples in new second marriages. Because the relationships have a limited track record, the trust is often tentative despite their mutual devotion. The result of this uncooperative attitude is endless conflict as each try to get the other to do the work.
If you don't have faith in your partner, you take the stance that s/he should change so that you can maximize your own payoffs. Likewise your partner wants to change your behavior for his/her own selfish reasons. When distrust abounds, neither of you includes the other's well-being in your calculations.
Trust is the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner. The more trust that exists in a relationship, the more you look out for each other. You have your beloved's back, and vice versa. In a trusting relationship you feel pleasure when your partner succeeds and troubled when s/he is upset. You just can't be happy if achieving your payoffs would hurt your significant other.
Once they develop more trust, they will cooperate because doing so offers their partner the highest payoff. Trusting each other doesn't mean that they will always put the other's needs ahead of their own. But their happiness will be interconnected. They each change their own behavior to increase the other's payoff.
"Nash Equilibrium" Both people end up in a position where they receive their maximum payoff & will not benefit more if they try to change the situation by themselves.
3 boxes: Nasty, Neutral and Nice
Nasty - anger, criticism, belligerence, bullying, defensiveness, sadness, disappointment, fear, tension, whining, disgust, stonewalling, contempt.
Nice - interest, amusement, humor, laughter, excitement, joy, validation, empathy
Neutral - blah reactions
When people argue, emotions can shift from moment to moment. In couples w/ trust problems, there are frequent instances when one partner remains happy when the partner is upset; or neutral when the other was happy. There was little interdependency in their reactions.
For high-trust couples, when one couple is happy, the other beams. They are in sync with payoffs dependent on what the other was feeling. Happy couples spend more time in nice and neutral ways, and least time in nasty/neutral spots. They were partial to payoffs that were interdependent, and maximized their partner's benefits as well as their own.
Trustworthiness is different from trust. Trust indicates how deep partners have each other's back. Trustworthiness indicates a partner's willingness to sacrifice for the relationship, to sometimes put their own needs on the back burner b/c the partnership matters most.
Trust and trustworthiness usually go together. When couples are trustworthy, the send each other the message that they are the partnership are unique and irreplaceable. They create the sacred (involving sacrifice). In a longterm committed relationship, sacrifice entails both people agreeing to give the romance priority over other goals & dreams. This is difficult for couples who no longer connect emotionally. These couples cope by leading separate, parallel lives.
Betrayal is how unwilling each partner is to sacrifice for the other & the relationship. If a couple's betrayal metric is elevated often, they are at dire risk for infidelity or other serious disloyalty. Betrayal is when one feels happy when the other feels worse.
Low trust & high betrayal foretell a breakup. It's a bad omen if you have a hard time being Nice when you're arguing.
Calculating Your Trust Metric
https://www.gottman.com/blog/do-you-t...
For a relationship to satisfy both partners, you need to spend plenty of time in the Nice box, the home of mutual respect & affection. It's especially important in midst of conflict. Happy couples find a way to respond, at least briefly, in a soothing & loving manner. These couples' trust metrics are high - particularly those who say they appreciate the ability to calm each other. It takes a large measure of trust to do so with success. When Nice couples argue, they work it out.
Repairs are the life jackets of romantic partnerships. Their effectiveness determines whether a relationship will live or die. Repairs are not complicated: jokes, a compliment, a hand squeeze, a question.
In a healthy relationship, a repair lowers the recipient's blood pressure and heart rate. The tension level drops enough to allow reason to prevail. If a couple's conflicts always escalate despite repair attempts, this indicates they are trapped in a spiral of misery. The trouble is the couple's history of unproductive, scarring conflict.
Happy couples have surgical precision for quick forays into the Nice box. The visits usually occur when one partner's physical state indicates a high stress level. Intuition moves the partner into the If there is a high level of trust, you can access the Nice box for brief but critical moments during an argument, allowing for repair & a constructive (or at least, less destructive) discussion. If you're able to lower the heat when necessary to prevent overload, that's a sign of a high trust metric & an ability to elevate the level of trust between you.
During conflict, the Neutral box is not the Land of Blah. It is the place to be throughout a disagreement. Neutral couples are engaged & responsive, but remain calm when expressing disagreement.
Try to argue w/o emotion. Couples who spend the most time being unemotional remain married. During conflict, lovers benefit from spending time in the 'valley of peace' rather than the 'valley of darkness.'
The relief of the Neutral box may be the ultimate expression of relationship trust. The neutral zone is where a happy relationship often ends up.
Unhappy couples get stuck in the misery of the Nasty box. No matter how hard they try or what they say to each other, their efforts to repair their conflicts fall short. Some couples torture each other with loud attacks. Others stew in negative thoughts/feelings. Whatever the style, all nasty partners say they hate fighting. They feel sad & bad but can't stop.
Two things explain the trap. When a couple lands in the Nasty box, at least one may become highly sensitive, physically, to hostility. Flooding describes the physical response - increased pulse, blood pressure, sweat. Men have a more intense fight-or-flight response to perceived danger than women. They also experience arousal for longer after a threat.
Flooding is deadly to relationships. It makes rational thought almost impossible. Tunnel vision focuses on warning signs & escape routes. Humor goes on hiatus as does listening, problem-solving, or understanding emotions.
Depending on circumstance, a flooded partner may choose to confront the partner (attack) or refuse to communicate (run), which is called stonewalling, refusing to respond.
A tendency to flood during arguments prevents repairs fm calming things down. People are unreceptive to (& unaware of) their partner trying to soothe them. No loving message gets thru. Long occupancy in the Negative box kills a couple's trust in each other & faith in their relationship.
Men are more biologically vulnerable to flooding than women. Still, the underlying culprit is the dynamic between the couple, specifically a deficit in attunement. Attunement is the desire & ability to understand & respect your partner's inner world. Attunement offers a blueprint for building & reviving trust in a longterm committed relationship.
Failure to attune follows a specific, 5-step trajectory:
Step 1: Sliding Doors
In a committed relationship, partners constantly ask each other in words & deeds for support & understanding. These requests are 'bids.' Many bids get missed, ignored or misinterpreted. Every bid offers a sliding door moment. When one partner expresses a need for connection, the other either slides open a door & walks thru, or keeps it shut & turns away. Any response that doesn't demonstrate interest & connection slides the door shut. Over time, with an abundance of unhappy endings w/o subsequent discussion, partner(s) may wonder: Do I come first or someone or something else? Is my partner selfish? Can I risk continuing to trust?
Step 2: A Regrettable Incident
As a result of turning away during a sliding door moment, conflict flares. If you're lucky, your partner will be upfront about what's wrong. If offending partner acknowledges & accepts responsibility for his/her part, breach can be repaired. If partner turns away, the hurt & anger trigger a regrettable incident - an eruption of conflict that is an unfortunate part of the relationship's history. Each regrettable incident chisels away at trust.
Step 3: The Zeigarnik Effect
Bluma Zeigarnik observed we have better recall for events that we have not completed than for those we have. We recall unfinished issues more than those we have processed & put to rest. When a sliding door moment leads to a regrettable incident that goes unaddressed, the hurt remains accessible in our active memory, available to be rehashed again & again.
Step 4: Negative Sentiment
When a pattern of broken trust develops, partners think the relationship has emptied out. They no longer feel like friends, but see each other in a negative light. Under Negative Sentiment Override, people tend to see neutral & positive events as negative. Positive gestures aren't recognized 50% of the time.
Negative Sentiment Override Quiz
gottman.com/blog/what-makes-love-last...
Step 5: The Four Horsemen
The more negative a couple's interactions, the less productive the communication. The inability to air grievances in a constructive manner heralds the arrival of 4 things that block success of repairs: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling. Defeating the Four Horsemen is not enough for resolution. That can only be achieved by healing & reestablishing mutual trust.
When a relationship is trapped in negativity, a tragic consequence is erosion & eventual death of the couple's trust in each other. He doesn't care how I feel, and Why can't she be more loving? Each is convinced that the other only cares about their own payoffs. If this perception is not altered through skillful intervention that strengthens their ability to attune, they think the once trustworthy partner is not just ignoring them, but working against them.
Broken relationships end in divorce or linger for years. The fundamental issue: the two no longer trust each other. If they don't learn how to attune, they are at risk for devastating betrayals.
Betrayal can be a red flag that calls attention to deficiencies in a relationship that led at least one partner to feel lonely & devalued. Yet people who stray are not evil. The relationship turns out to be the cause in most cases. Infidelity doesn't happen overnight. S/he heads down the path unwittingly, at a slow, undetected pace. That is why many affairs seem to come out of nowhere. Feelings of self-doubt, worry, anxiety are not communicated. Being silent about discontent leaves partners fuming inside, keeping their distance. While the relationship is in danger, the couple may not perceive/acknowledge the trouble. They think it's just a bad patch, affirming love & support, & both mean it.
The trajectory that causes a couple trust to plummet begins with the tendency to turn away and ignore the partner's emotions. Then there's flooding, a pileup of unresolved regrettable incidents, a tendency to remember unfinished business, negativity, and distrust. Unhappy couples are dismissive of each other's feelings & don't pick up signs of partner's distress. Slowly, they keep their dissatisfactions secret, & avoid confiding needs to prevent more conflict. This attempt to 'save' the relationship has the opposite effect - it gradually drops couple's trust & brings them closer to being stuck in the Nasty box.
This sad trajectory destroys a relationship by turning partners into adversaries, but does not always end in betrayal. Surprisingly, though trust has fallen, some are still trustworthy, sacrificing for the relationship, putting it first. Faith, depression, low self-esteem keep couples fm leaving.
Negative COMP
With untrustworthiness, negative sliding doors lead to negative comparison. The untrustworthy partner doesn't just turn away, but compares the partner to someone else - and the partner loses. Negative COMPS = buyer's remorse.
Infidelity is primed by a lack of sharing the true self combined with negative COMPS.
Typically partners in a longterm, committed relationship keep a window open betwn each other w/ walls to protect their privacy fm the outside world. They bond w/ others but carry within them the safety of this refuge, which is founded on intimacy & trust with each other. But once betrayal invades, their refuge is assaulted.
First comes secret keeping.
Once there's a history of ignoring & dismissing each other's emotions, trust falls, & the couple seeks to avoid conflict so the situation doesn't worsen. When a relationship is fragile, it can seem counterproductive to confide something that hurts the partner. Conflict avoiders equate negative emotions w/ dynamite. Partners stop confiding in each other.
The vast majority of affairs are not caused by lust. If a relationship is satisfying both partners' emotional needs, couples build a wide fence around lustful thoughts. If trust is low, it's important to hold difficult conversations. Most affairs are not about sex, but coping w/ loneliness by finding someone interested in you & longing for companionship.
Porn users are in danger of becoming attached to impersonal sex.
A committed relationship is a contract of mutual trust, respect, nurturance & protection.
Relationship killers: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict), & a yearning for emotional connection that seems unavailable from the partner.
Note: The worst betrayal is physical or emotional abuse. Do not try to improve this relationship. Find help. You deserve support.
Attitudes toward emotions: dismissive vs coaching. Use emotion as an opportunity to connect & help understand feelings.
Recommendation: schedule regular "How was your day?" chats to check in and connect.
Express compassion & empathy. Open up about your feelings. Be an ally. Ginott's motto: Understanding must precede advice. Just be there, listen.
How to Repair
Cognitive Repair: define conflict, ask for credit, compromise, guard, monitor conflict, request direction, stop.
Emotional Repair: Agree, question, express affection, change topic, make promises, use humor, self-disclose, take responsibility, understand, reinforce 'we-ness', we're okay.
90% of the time, couples aren't paying attention at the same time.
Always begin with what's going right. Accentuate the positive.
PAUSE and BREATHE
If you're ambivalent about leaving your lover, you are not ready to rekindle your relationship.
Trust Revival: Atone, Attune, Attach
Atone - express remorse
Confess
Commit to honesty, transparency & verification
Understand what went wrong
Explore reasons for returning
Exact a high cost for future betrayals
Begin to forgive.
Once a baby arrives, keeping distance is way too easy.
Romance: when 2 people nurture & encourage acts & thoughts that cherish the other as unique & irreplaceable. Cherishing a partner is critical to protecting a relationship. Passion: a strong interest that includes desire, curiosity & attraction. Combine the 2 for intimate trust. Often for women, touch leads to desire; for men, desire starts sequence toward wanting sex/touching.
Fondness & Admiration: Happy couples tell their tales w/ warmth, affection, & respect for each other.
A happy, stable, trusting relationship is good for your health. A low-trust one can be deadly.
Learning to Trust
Trust always comes down to risk. If you make yourself vulnerable, there is never a guarantee you won't be hurt. However, learning to trust again is worth it.
Honesty: Do not trust someone who lies to you. Move on.
Transparency: A partner's life should be an open book, w/o secrets.
Accountability: Is there proof that this partner keeps promises? Be suspicious of people who say, Trust me. Trustworthy people don't need to tell you what to think!
Ethical actions: Is this person just & fair? Are values in tune w/ yours? If not, stop.
Proof of Alliance: Being on your side.
True love is woven out of honoring & understanding each other's unique gifts, vulnerabilities & eccentricities, tolerating faults. Learning to cherish another person & allowing that person to cherish you is the greatest blessing of life.
Some unhappy couples give up on their marriage & divorce. Seven key principles can improve the odds of maintaining a positive relationship. Described in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they emphasize the value of friendship btwn partners, accepting each other's influence, & being gentle during disagreements.
What's most puzzling about unhappy couples is their sincere insistence of deep love & commitment - even as they order each other to 'shut up.' They act like adversaries rather than lovers, trapped by an absorbing state of negativity. A specific poison renders them unhappy: betrayal.
Betrayal is the secret that lies at the heart of every failing relationship. If a spouse puts career ahead of relationship, that is betrayal. When one keeps breaking her promise, that is also betrayal. Pervasive coldness, selfishness, unfairness, and other destructive behaviors are all evidence of disloyalty.
There is a fundamental principle for making relationships work that serves as an antidote to unfaithfulness. That principle is trust. Happy couples say that mutual trust is what lets them feel safe with each other, deepens their love, & allows friendship & sexual intimacy to blossom. Unhappy partners lack this element.
In relationships where there is a high potential for betrayal, people waste time & emotional energy. Whether the fear concerns adultery or faithlessness, suspicious people act like detectives or prosecuting attorneys, interrogating partners, looking for verification that their insecurity is justified. Decision making becomes exhaustive. Stress levels go into hyperdrive.
In sharp contrast, trust removes an enormous amount of stress b/c it allows you to act w/ incomplete information. You don't subject your mind to & body to constant worry, so the complexity of decision making falls. Implicit trust saves you a lot of time.
Not all relationships can or should survive betrayal. The loss must be acknowledged & confronted before moving on. If you are recovering fm a breakup, understand what went wrong & try again with someone new.
Charting a way forward after a deep wound is just as important as learning to make a relationship work. If your last relationship failed, you may fear trusting someone again. But this wariness can leave you vulnerable to lifelong, profound loneliness. Isolation has serious psychological repercussions as well as physical ones. By fine-tuning your radar for deception, you can develop the courage, strength & wisdom to search for a trustworthy partner.
In TV crime show, Numb3ers, they prevent a terrorist attack using a 'trust metric' to calculate the loyalty level among suspected terrorists.
Some wariness is common among newlyweds and couples in new second marriages. Because the relationships have a limited track record, the trust is often tentative despite their mutual devotion. The result of this uncooperative attitude is endless conflict as each try to get the other to do the work.
If you don't have faith in your partner, you take the stance that s/he should change so that you can maximize your own payoffs. Likewise your partner wants to change your behavior for his/her own selfish reasons. When distrust abounds, neither of you includes the other's well-being in your calculations.
Trust is the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner. The more trust that exists in a relationship, the more you look out for each other. You have your beloved's back, and vice versa. In a trusting relationship you feel pleasure when your partner succeeds and troubled when s/he is upset. You just can't be happy if achieving your payoffs would hurt your significant other.
Once they develop more trust, they will cooperate because doing so offers their partner the highest payoff. Trusting each other doesn't mean that they will always put the other's needs ahead of their own. But their happiness will be interconnected. They each change their own behavior to increase the other's payoff.
"Nash Equilibrium" Both people end up in a position where they receive their maximum payoff & will not benefit more if they try to change the situation by themselves.
3 boxes: Nasty, Neutral and Nice
Nasty - anger, criticism, belligerence, bullying, defensiveness, sadness, disappointment, fear, tension, whining, disgust, stonewalling, contempt.
Nice - interest, amusement, humor, laughter, excitement, joy, validation, empathy
Neutral - blah reactions
When people argue, emotions can shift from moment to moment. In couples w/ trust problems, there are frequent instances when one partner remains happy when the partner is upset; or neutral when the other was happy. There was little interdependency in their reactions.
For high-trust couples, when one couple is happy, the other beams. They are in sync with payoffs dependent on what the other was feeling. Happy couples spend more time in nice and neutral ways, and least time in nasty/neutral spots. They were partial to payoffs that were interdependent, and maximized their partner's benefits as well as their own.
Trustworthiness is different from trust. Trust indicates how deep partners have each other's back. Trustworthiness indicates a partner's willingness to sacrifice for the relationship, to sometimes put their own needs on the back burner b/c the partnership matters most.
Trust and trustworthiness usually go together. When couples are trustworthy, the send each other the message that they are the partnership are unique and irreplaceable. They create the sacred (involving sacrifice). In a longterm committed relationship, sacrifice entails both people agreeing to give the romance priority over other goals & dreams. This is difficult for couples who no longer connect emotionally. These couples cope by leading separate, parallel lives.
Betrayal is how unwilling each partner is to sacrifice for the other & the relationship. If a couple's betrayal metric is elevated often, they are at dire risk for infidelity or other serious disloyalty. Betrayal is when one feels happy when the other feels worse.
Low trust & high betrayal foretell a breakup. It's a bad omen if you have a hard time being Nice when you're arguing.
Calculating Your Trust Metric
https://www.gottman.com/blog/do-you-t...
For a relationship to satisfy both partners, you need to spend plenty of time in the Nice box, the home of mutual respect & affection. It's especially important in midst of conflict. Happy couples find a way to respond, at least briefly, in a soothing & loving manner. These couples' trust metrics are high - particularly those who say they appreciate the ability to calm each other. It takes a large measure of trust to do so with success. When Nice couples argue, they work it out.
Repairs are the life jackets of romantic partnerships. Their effectiveness determines whether a relationship will live or die. Repairs are not complicated: jokes, a compliment, a hand squeeze, a question.
In a healthy relationship, a repair lowers the recipient's blood pressure and heart rate. The tension level drops enough to allow reason to prevail. If a couple's conflicts always escalate despite repair attempts, this indicates they are trapped in a spiral of misery. The trouble is the couple's history of unproductive, scarring conflict.
Happy couples have surgical precision for quick forays into the Nice box. The visits usually occur when one partner's physical state indicates a high stress level. Intuition moves the partner into the If there is a high level of trust, you can access the Nice box for brief but critical moments during an argument, allowing for repair & a constructive (or at least, less destructive) discussion. If you're able to lower the heat when necessary to prevent overload, that's a sign of a high trust metric & an ability to elevate the level of trust between you.
During conflict, the Neutral box is not the Land of Blah. It is the place to be throughout a disagreement. Neutral couples are engaged & responsive, but remain calm when expressing disagreement.
Try to argue w/o emotion. Couples who spend the most time being unemotional remain married. During conflict, lovers benefit from spending time in the 'valley of peace' rather than the 'valley of darkness.'
The relief of the Neutral box may be the ultimate expression of relationship trust. The neutral zone is where a happy relationship often ends up.
Unhappy couples get stuck in the misery of the Nasty box. No matter how hard they try or what they say to each other, their efforts to repair their conflicts fall short. Some couples torture each other with loud attacks. Others stew in negative thoughts/feelings. Whatever the style, all nasty partners say they hate fighting. They feel sad & bad but can't stop.
Two things explain the trap. When a couple lands in the Nasty box, at least one may become highly sensitive, physically, to hostility. Flooding describes the physical response - increased pulse, blood pressure, sweat. Men have a more intense fight-or-flight response to perceived danger than women. They also experience arousal for longer after a threat.
Flooding is deadly to relationships. It makes rational thought almost impossible. Tunnel vision focuses on warning signs & escape routes. Humor goes on hiatus as does listening, problem-solving, or understanding emotions.
Depending on circumstance, a flooded partner may choose to confront the partner (attack) or refuse to communicate (run), which is called stonewalling, refusing to respond.
A tendency to flood during arguments prevents repairs fm calming things down. People are unreceptive to (& unaware of) their partner trying to soothe them. No loving message gets thru. Long occupancy in the Negative box kills a couple's trust in each other & faith in their relationship.
Men are more biologically vulnerable to flooding than women. Still, the underlying culprit is the dynamic between the couple, specifically a deficit in attunement. Attunement is the desire & ability to understand & respect your partner's inner world. Attunement offers a blueprint for building & reviving trust in a longterm committed relationship.
Failure to attune follows a specific, 5-step trajectory:
Step 1: Sliding Doors
In a committed relationship, partners constantly ask each other in words & deeds for support & understanding. These requests are 'bids.' Many bids get missed, ignored or misinterpreted. Every bid offers a sliding door moment. When one partner expresses a need for connection, the other either slides open a door & walks thru, or keeps it shut & turns away. Any response that doesn't demonstrate interest & connection slides the door shut. Over time, with an abundance of unhappy endings w/o subsequent discussion, partner(s) may wonder: Do I come first or someone or something else? Is my partner selfish? Can I risk continuing to trust?
Step 2: A Regrettable Incident
As a result of turning away during a sliding door moment, conflict flares. If you're lucky, your partner will be upfront about what's wrong. If offending partner acknowledges & accepts responsibility for his/her part, breach can be repaired. If partner turns away, the hurt & anger trigger a regrettable incident - an eruption of conflict that is an unfortunate part of the relationship's history. Each regrettable incident chisels away at trust.
Step 3: The Zeigarnik Effect
Bluma Zeigarnik observed we have better recall for events that we have not completed than for those we have. We recall unfinished issues more than those we have processed & put to rest. When a sliding door moment leads to a regrettable incident that goes unaddressed, the hurt remains accessible in our active memory, available to be rehashed again & again.
Step 4: Negative Sentiment
When a pattern of broken trust develops, partners think the relationship has emptied out. They no longer feel like friends, but see each other in a negative light. Under Negative Sentiment Override, people tend to see neutral & positive events as negative. Positive gestures aren't recognized 50% of the time.
Negative Sentiment Override Quiz
gottman.com/blog/what-makes-love-last...
Step 5: The Four Horsemen
The more negative a couple's interactions, the less productive the communication. The inability to air grievances in a constructive manner heralds the arrival of 4 things that block success of repairs: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling. Defeating the Four Horsemen is not enough for resolution. That can only be achieved by healing & reestablishing mutual trust.
When a relationship is trapped in negativity, a tragic consequence is erosion & eventual death of the couple's trust in each other. He doesn't care how I feel, and Why can't she be more loving? Each is convinced that the other only cares about their own payoffs. If this perception is not altered through skillful intervention that strengthens their ability to attune, they think the once trustworthy partner is not just ignoring them, but working against them.
Broken relationships end in divorce or linger for years. The fundamental issue: the two no longer trust each other. If they don't learn how to attune, they are at risk for devastating betrayals.
Betrayal can be a red flag that calls attention to deficiencies in a relationship that led at least one partner to feel lonely & devalued. Yet people who stray are not evil. The relationship turns out to be the cause in most cases. Infidelity doesn't happen overnight. S/he heads down the path unwittingly, at a slow, undetected pace. That is why many affairs seem to come out of nowhere. Feelings of self-doubt, worry, anxiety are not communicated. Being silent about discontent leaves partners fuming inside, keeping their distance. While the relationship is in danger, the couple may not perceive/acknowledge the trouble. They think it's just a bad patch, affirming love & support, & both mean it.
The trajectory that causes a couple trust to plummet begins with the tendency to turn away and ignore the partner's emotions. Then there's flooding, a pileup of unresolved regrettable incidents, a tendency to remember unfinished business, negativity, and distrust. Unhappy couples are dismissive of each other's feelings & don't pick up signs of partner's distress. Slowly, they keep their dissatisfactions secret, & avoid confiding needs to prevent more conflict. This attempt to 'save' the relationship has the opposite effect - it gradually drops couple's trust & brings them closer to being stuck in the Nasty box.
This sad trajectory destroys a relationship by turning partners into adversaries, but does not always end in betrayal. Surprisingly, though trust has fallen, some are still trustworthy, sacrificing for the relationship, putting it first. Faith, depression, low self-esteem keep couples fm leaving.
Negative COMP
With untrustworthiness, negative sliding doors lead to negative comparison. The untrustworthy partner doesn't just turn away, but compares the partner to someone else - and the partner loses. Negative COMPS = buyer's remorse.
Infidelity is primed by a lack of sharing the true self combined with negative COMPS.
Typically partners in a longterm, committed relationship keep a window open betwn each other w/ walls to protect their privacy fm the outside world. They bond w/ others but carry within them the safety of this refuge, which is founded on intimacy & trust with each other. But once betrayal invades, their refuge is assaulted.
First comes secret keeping.
Once there's a history of ignoring & dismissing each other's emotions, trust falls, & the couple seeks to avoid conflict so the situation doesn't worsen. When a relationship is fragile, it can seem counterproductive to confide something that hurts the partner. Conflict avoiders equate negative emotions w/ dynamite. Partners stop confiding in each other.
The vast majority of affairs are not caused by lust. If a relationship is satisfying both partners' emotional needs, couples build a wide fence around lustful thoughts. If trust is low, it's important to hold difficult conversations. Most affairs are not about sex, but coping w/ loneliness by finding someone interested in you & longing for companionship.
Porn users are in danger of becoming attached to impersonal sex.
A committed relationship is a contract of mutual trust, respect, nurturance & protection.
Relationship killers: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict), & a yearning for emotional connection that seems unavailable from the partner.
Note: The worst betrayal is physical or emotional abuse. Do not try to improve this relationship. Find help. You deserve support.
Attitudes toward emotions: dismissive vs coaching. Use emotion as an opportunity to connect & help understand feelings.
Recommendation: schedule regular "How was your day?" chats to check in and connect.
Express compassion & empathy. Open up about your feelings. Be an ally. Ginott's motto: Understanding must precede advice. Just be there, listen.
How to Repair
Cognitive Repair: define conflict, ask for credit, compromise, guard, monitor conflict, request direction, stop.
Emotional Repair: Agree, question, express affection, change topic, make promises, use humor, self-disclose, take responsibility, understand, reinforce 'we-ness', we're okay.
90% of the time, couples aren't paying attention at the same time.
Always begin with what's going right. Accentuate the positive.
PAUSE and BREATHE
If you're ambivalent about leaving your lover, you are not ready to rekindle your relationship.
Trust Revival: Atone, Attune, Attach
Atone - express remorse
Confess
Commit to honesty, transparency & verification
Understand what went wrong
Explore reasons for returning
Exact a high cost for future betrayals
Begin to forgive.
Once a baby arrives, keeping distance is way too easy.
Romance: when 2 people nurture & encourage acts & thoughts that cherish the other as unique & irreplaceable. Cherishing a partner is critical to protecting a relationship. Passion: a strong interest that includes desire, curiosity & attraction. Combine the 2 for intimate trust. Often for women, touch leads to desire; for men, desire starts sequence toward wanting sex/touching.
Fondness & Admiration: Happy couples tell their tales w/ warmth, affection, & respect for each other.
A happy, stable, trusting relationship is good for your health. A low-trust one can be deadly.
Learning to Trust
Trust always comes down to risk. If you make yourself vulnerable, there is never a guarantee you won't be hurt. However, learning to trust again is worth it.
Honesty: Do not trust someone who lies to you. Move on.
Transparency: A partner's life should be an open book, w/o secrets.
Accountability: Is there proof that this partner keeps promises? Be suspicious of people who say, Trust me. Trustworthy people don't need to tell you what to think!
Ethical actions: Is this person just & fair? Are values in tune w/ yours? If not, stop.
Proof of Alliance: Being on your side.
True love is woven out of honoring & understanding each other's unique gifts, vulnerabilities & eccentricities, tolerating faults. Learning to cherish another person & allowing that person to cherish you is the greatest blessing of life.
August 9, 2020
Great for long-term, monogamous, heterosexual married couples who want to find ways to enhance their relationship. Extremely binary and conservatively biased, but great for religious folks or those with traditional values looking for more happiness in their marriage. A lot of good examples of specific exercises to open up communication and examine what trust looks like in your relationship. Also a lot of interesting “tests” to take and score mathematically if you are brave enough for brutal honesty with yourself and your partner. I feel like your relationship would have to be pretty healthy to survive some of those conversations! Or perhaps on its last leg and you are desperately trying to salvage your marriage. Gottman really does believe in the power to save a marriage that seems beyond hope, if both partners are willing to try.
His “science” seems pretty anecdotal because it is almost exclusively based on his Love Lab findings rather than imperially based research. But I like the included examples of conversations between couples that he uses as both good and bad examples of the principles he is teaching.
I also liked several “lists” he included:
- especially one that was: “if your therapist says this, find a different therapist.”
- how to describe what you feel, for people who find it difficult to say or identify feelings
- and prompts for expressing more interest in and empathy for others.
He also had some good advice of how to avoid pitfalls when seeking marriage advice from clergy, which I found very wise.
I strongly DISLIKED his slam of Ester Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity (which I have also read). You can disagree with a colleague without ridiculing their theories as unsupported non-sense. He was super unprofessional about his treatment of her theories and that really bugged me. It made the book seem like a talk show segment rather than a scientific study.
Finally, If your gender or sexual interests or preferences extend anywhere outside a traditional values box, this is NOT the book for you. But if you’ve been married for TOO long, you might find some ways to improve your couples communication and spice things up!
His “science” seems pretty anecdotal because it is almost exclusively based on his Love Lab findings rather than imperially based research. But I like the included examples of conversations between couples that he uses as both good and bad examples of the principles he is teaching.
I also liked several “lists” he included:
- especially one that was: “if your therapist says this, find a different therapist.”
- how to describe what you feel, for people who find it difficult to say or identify feelings
- and prompts for expressing more interest in and empathy for others.
He also had some good advice of how to avoid pitfalls when seeking marriage advice from clergy, which I found very wise.
I strongly DISLIKED his slam of Ester Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity (which I have also read). You can disagree with a colleague without ridiculing their theories as unsupported non-sense. He was super unprofessional about his treatment of her theories and that really bugged me. It made the book seem like a talk show segment rather than a scientific study.
Finally, If your gender or sexual interests or preferences extend anywhere outside a traditional values box, this is NOT the book for you. But if you’ve been married for TOO long, you might find some ways to improve your couples communication and spice things up!
November 2, 2012
This was another book written discussing the results found from Gottman's research in his "love lab" at University of Washington. He discusses the positive aspects of relationships instead of writing about what couples do wrong. It includes assignments, tests, and statistics that provide hands-on tools to keep a relationship on track. I didn't like it as much as the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, but it was a good book and I would recommend it to therapists and couples working to keep their relationship strong.
October 21, 2023
I’m trying to balance my year’s reading with more nonfiction. The Gottmans’ research is fundamental to this field, so it was about time I checked it out.
May 31, 2017
**4 Stars**
I had to read this book as part of an assignment for my psychology class but I honestly enjoyed it. I think Dr. Gottman is a genius in communication. I really learned a lot from this book and have been practicing my listening techniques on everyone in my life. I gave this book 4 stars because I felt the beginning and end were not useful but necessary. The middle chapters of the book are so informative and very helpful. Overall, I enjoyed reading this book even though it was for homework.
I had to read this book as part of an assignment for my psychology class but I honestly enjoyed it. I think Dr. Gottman is a genius in communication. I really learned a lot from this book and have been practicing my listening techniques on everyone in my life. I gave this book 4 stars because I felt the beginning and end were not useful but necessary. The middle chapters of the book are so informative and very helpful. Overall, I enjoyed reading this book even though it was for homework.
May 1, 2024
I was introduced to Esther Perel about five years ago, which led me to discover John Gottman, whose research and marital counseling theories are considered the antithesis to her approach. Perel essentially believes that relationships thrive through healthy distance/separation, while Gottman believes relationships flourish when healthy trust, closeness, and mutual sacrifice are fostered. This book is the summary of the research data that backs his belief.
So many marriage books I’ve read feel like speculation and fluff compared to this book. It is an extremely engaging and useful summary of the research done in Gottman’s “love lab” with real couples, analyzing their conflict and communication styles. He has become famous for his ability to marital stability, satisfaction, and likelihood of divorce.
A main point of the book is that even though not every relationship reaches the point of betrayal that includes infidelity, we all experience different levels of small betrayal by those close to us. “Pervasive coldness, selfishness, unfairness, and other destructive behaviors are also evidence of disloyalty and can lead to consequences as equally devastating as adultery.” So the key to a successful marriage (or friendship) is the ability to repair and to learn to “turn toward” one another, over and over again.
I wish all my friends, married and unmarried, would read this for the sake of learning how to develop and foster trust in romantic relationships (and friendships). Using game theory and scientific observation, he breaks down the benefits of and methods to develop and rebuild trust, for the sake of building long term satisfying relationships.
So many marriage books I’ve read feel like speculation and fluff compared to this book. It is an extremely engaging and useful summary of the research done in Gottman’s “love lab” with real couples, analyzing their conflict and communication styles. He has become famous for his ability to marital stability, satisfaction, and likelihood of divorce.
A main point of the book is that even though not every relationship reaches the point of betrayal that includes infidelity, we all experience different levels of small betrayal by those close to us. “Pervasive coldness, selfishness, unfairness, and other destructive behaviors are also evidence of disloyalty and can lead to consequences as equally devastating as adultery.” So the key to a successful marriage (or friendship) is the ability to repair and to learn to “turn toward” one another, over and over again.
I wish all my friends, married and unmarried, would read this for the sake of learning how to develop and foster trust in romantic relationships (and friendships). Using game theory and scientific observation, he breaks down the benefits of and methods to develop and rebuild trust, for the sake of building long term satisfying relationships.
April 8, 2025
devastating to finish this book finally :P
I took everything with a grain of salt of course (author has been married 4 times). The first chapter was the most interesting -- he used economic game theory to describe a relationship. I've always felt a little weird when my brain quantifies my emotions into something tangible or numeric, but reading about him mathematically creating an equation for trust was fascinating. Another was an actual ranking of "bids" on an ordinal scale and how much each type of bid affected a relationship; his research is all founded on decades of coded couple interactions. I need to re-read this because I only half-listened to the latter sections on betrayal and cheating because I thought it was going to be irrelevant in my relationship
One anecdote was a couple who took a road trip together and realized how compatible they were because they didn't fight during it -- we took a 2 week solo road trip before our 6 month mark and didn't squabble at all :(
eyyyy Gottman found that men in zero-sum (bad) relationships were 11 times more likely to die in a 20 year longitudinal study -- fingers crossed!
I took everything with a grain of salt of course (author has been married 4 times). The first chapter was the most interesting -- he used economic game theory to describe a relationship. I've always felt a little weird when my brain quantifies my emotions into something tangible or numeric, but reading about him mathematically creating an equation for trust was fascinating. Another was an actual ranking of "bids" on an ordinal scale and how much each type of bid affected a relationship; his research is all founded on decades of coded couple interactions. I need to re-read this because I only half-listened to the latter sections on betrayal and cheating because I thought it was going to be irrelevant in my relationship
One anecdote was a couple who took a road trip together and realized how compatible they were because they didn't fight during it -- we took a 2 week solo road trip before our 6 month mark and didn't squabble at all :(
eyyyy Gottman found that men in zero-sum (bad) relationships were 11 times more likely to die in a 20 year longitudinal study -- fingers crossed!
October 26, 2022
A lot of great qualitative research and information here, which I think can be really useful for couples trying to learn to be more successful in relationships. I do think the Gorman’s in general lack insight as to how their approach could apply to people with different communication styles or cultural backgrounds but I always find their research to be important and insightful.
May 9, 2018
Es conocido que considero que el trabajo de John Gottman es admirable, en lo tocante a terapia de pareja, es absolutamente esencial. En este libro Gottman continúa el trabajo iniciado en The Science of Trust, y desarrolla el concepto de confianza (es capaz de definirlo matemáticamente y operativizarlo), y el impacto de la traición y la pérdida de confianza en una relación. A continuación desarrolla estrategias conductuales para aumentar la confianza, así como herramientas que permiten valorar y estimar de modo preciso la confianza entre los miembros de la pareja. La confianza es lo que faltaba en el modelo desarrollado anteriormente, que detallaba las conductas de las parejas felices y exitosas.
Es una lectura densa y no siempre fácil: hay matemáticas implicadas, y teoría de juegos. Pero es muy recompensante, y las soluciones son claras y sencillas de entender.
Creo que es una obra muy importante para terapeutas y para parejas. Realmente importante.
Es una lectura densa y no siempre fácil: hay matemáticas implicadas, y teoría de juegos. Pero es muy recompensante, y las soluciones son claras y sencillas de entender.
Creo que es una obra muy importante para terapeutas y para parejas. Realmente importante.
August 14, 2014
This book is very engaging. I especially enjoyed the chapters were he discusses cheating and healing from cheating. I'd never really had any understanding for the cheater, but he makes it understandable. I finally had some inkling why someone might cheat. Strangely as I read this I was sure that I had read another book perhaps about the same subject or by the same author. This enhanced the experience rather than distracting from it.
November 26, 2019
A great book that gives a lot of insight's to relationships and tips for how to make a relationship work.
November 5, 2022
I would echo many of the other 4 star reviews in naming some of the book’s “blind spots.” This book is a clear and concise overview of some of the Gottman’s main ideas and techniques. If you subscribe to John + Julie Gottman’s work, you’ll probably like this book. No big surprises.
July 12, 2013
Borrowed this from a friend and colleague to save myself a couple bucks and loved it so much, went ahead and ordered my own copy. If you are interested in making your relationship the best it can be or work with couples in any therapy setting, I think this book needs to be part of your library. The Gottmans are truly the experts in this field and much of their expertise comes from scientific studies, which definitely makes this book much more appealing than your run of the mill self help book, which I tend to cringe at most times. What makes this book extra special is the added assessments (much more intense then any Cosmo love quiz you'll find) and I found myself employing my husband to do many of them along with me, as well as copying them to use with my own clients. Another great thing about this book is, although the Gottmans are pretty much the smartest people in this field, the book does not go over one's head with ridiculous jargon and it does not talk to the reader is if he or she is a moron, either. The appendix is a bit rough, as John Gottman loves to take the mathematical route with game theory - he definitely lost me there - but for the assessments alone, it is worth the extra read. I have had the pleasure of being trained by the Gottmans in person and I think this book lives up to the hype that is them.
July 22, 2022
Borderline excruciating to read.
"When couples are trustworthy, they send each other the message that they and the partnership are unique and irreplaceable...In a long-term committed relationship, sacrifice entails both people agreeing to give the romance priority over other goals and dreams."
"Their fantasies of other options, show that they both treat their relationship as conditional and marginal. This allows Tyler to be selfish and Abby to feel abandoned, and both to feel justified in turning away."
"To resolve this cognitive dissonance, the disloyal partner often decides that the other is to blame for how vulnerable and alone he or she feels. 'It's not my fault; I haven't done anything wrong' or 'I was forced into this out of desperation'."
"There are more than 500 million pages of porn on the internet, almost all of it directed at men...Even non-compulsive use of these images can damage a committed relationship. Masturbating to an image results in the secretion of oxytocin and vasopressin, hormones linked to attachment. Porn users are in danger of becoming attached to a mere fetish of impersonal sex...Too often however, porn is viewed solo and becomes a source of betrayal even if the habit doesn't meet the technical description of compulsion. Most porn encourages steps that we've already seen can lead to betrayal..."
"The disloyalty doesn't seem as bad as an affair, but it is. A committed relationship is a contract of mutual trust, respect, nurturance, and protection. Anything that violates that contract can become traitorous."
"Among the musts-to-avoid is any therapist who suggests that you not discuss the betrayal and that you let bygones be bygones. Just moving on with your relationship is a terrible idea...you cannot heal until you process the trauma."
"The hurt partner requires confirmation that the future won't hold another devastating blow. That means relentless reassurance for quite some time. For the relationship to survive, the guilty member must tolerate this need, understanding that it is a symptom of the post-traumatic stress that the betrayal created. It will not go away until...[there is the] reestablishment of enough trust."
---
"A husband, who had an affair three years prior, said he wanted to have an ex-girlfriend from college visit. Although this woman was not his affair partner, this idea frightens his wife. The husband's response is defensive, rather than understanding, which is counterproductive...
'Ok, I feel like you are only going to trust me as long as I'm real careful about what I do. I think your jealousy results from a lack of trust.'
'And a fear. A fear of losing something precious.'
'But I've explained to you that my family is the number one thing in my life and there is nothing to fear. I made that conscious decision three years ago and that's not going to change. I guaranteed you that, right?'
'And you know I'm convinced of it. And so it's dissipated the jealousy. But my feelings of jealousy have been well-founded before.'
'Ah, see, that's where I disagree. I resent that fact in the case of Jillian, the college girlfriend, that I can never see her again...for the rest of my life.'
'Do you want to see her again?'
'Yeah! And I resent the fact that you don't trust me enough...'
'I don't want her to become part of our lives...there's no purpose for it.'
'...No way, I just want to stay in touch. Talk about old times.'
'She's a big threat to me. If you were really committed like you say you are, you wouldn't do this. You would realize where I'm coming from.'
'You know probably if you said it didn't matter to you it'd be less important to me...like I said, it's not a pressing need, but I resent the fact that I can't.'
'Do you know why I don't think it's a good idea? It's because I think you're weak...'
'It would be good from the standpoint that it would be proof that you trusted me and that would be good for the marriage.'
'No. You resist temptation, you don't go running into its arms. If I wanted you to trust me, I wouldn't set up situations that were threatening to you...'
Martin may be earnest about his unwavering commitment to his marriage, but his past deceit traumatized Mya. Out of respect for her, he should be careful not to do anything that raises alarm, and yet he takes a stand over inviting an old girlfriend into their home. He taunts and tests his wife, insisting it is her job to prove she is not jealous when instead it is his to prove he is trustworthy. All it accomplishes is to fill his wife with dread. He needs to respect that he cannot impose an expiration date on her need to be vigilant." Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me.
---
"Rebuilding cannot begin without the cheaters continual expression of remorse, even in the face of the partner's profound skepticism. Throughout this phase, the betrayer must remain patient and non-defensive. Understand that an affair shattered every part of the other's sound relationship house and probably triggered a post-traumatic stress response. The result is relentless thoughts like, 'Who is this person really?' 'What are this person's values and morals? I thought I knew, but obviously I don't.' 'What can I trust now?' The wounded partner will feel the starings of new faith only after multiple proofs of trustworthiness. Atonement cannot occur if the cheater insists that the victim take partial blame for the affair...If a partner strayed in the midst of difficult circumstances, it may seem unfair for him or her to take all of the blame, but he or she must. Healing requires that the cheater listen to and understand the other's pain. Eventually, the two will come together to create a new relationship, but that cannot begin until the cheater accepts responsibility without excuse or defensiveness...If [the betrayed] gets stuck in inconsolable hurt and anger, the couple will not be able to resolve conflict. The wounded partner must agree to cooperate as long as the betrayer is making the same effort."
'I believe in adding a strong disincentive to straying again. The betrayer needs to know that there is a catastrophic cost to any subsequent deceit."
"An acceptable slipup is not a return to the affair or a new indiscretion...what the betrayer did is shameful, but he or she is changing that behavior."
"When couples are trustworthy, they send each other the message that they and the partnership are unique and irreplaceable...In a long-term committed relationship, sacrifice entails both people agreeing to give the romance priority over other goals and dreams."
"Their fantasies of other options, show that they both treat their relationship as conditional and marginal. This allows Tyler to be selfish and Abby to feel abandoned, and both to feel justified in turning away."
"To resolve this cognitive dissonance, the disloyal partner often decides that the other is to blame for how vulnerable and alone he or she feels. 'It's not my fault; I haven't done anything wrong' or 'I was forced into this out of desperation'."
"There are more than 500 million pages of porn on the internet, almost all of it directed at men...Even non-compulsive use of these images can damage a committed relationship. Masturbating to an image results in the secretion of oxytocin and vasopressin, hormones linked to attachment. Porn users are in danger of becoming attached to a mere fetish of impersonal sex...Too often however, porn is viewed solo and becomes a source of betrayal even if the habit doesn't meet the technical description of compulsion. Most porn encourages steps that we've already seen can lead to betrayal..."
"The disloyalty doesn't seem as bad as an affair, but it is. A committed relationship is a contract of mutual trust, respect, nurturance, and protection. Anything that violates that contract can become traitorous."
"Among the musts-to-avoid is any therapist who suggests that you not discuss the betrayal and that you let bygones be bygones. Just moving on with your relationship is a terrible idea...you cannot heal until you process the trauma."
"The hurt partner requires confirmation that the future won't hold another devastating blow. That means relentless reassurance for quite some time. For the relationship to survive, the guilty member must tolerate this need, understanding that it is a symptom of the post-traumatic stress that the betrayal created. It will not go away until...[there is the] reestablishment of enough trust."
---
"A husband, who had an affair three years prior, said he wanted to have an ex-girlfriend from college visit. Although this woman was not his affair partner, this idea frightens his wife. The husband's response is defensive, rather than understanding, which is counterproductive...
'Ok, I feel like you are only going to trust me as long as I'm real careful about what I do. I think your jealousy results from a lack of trust.'
'And a fear. A fear of losing something precious.'
'But I've explained to you that my family is the number one thing in my life and there is nothing to fear. I made that conscious decision three years ago and that's not going to change. I guaranteed you that, right?'
'And you know I'm convinced of it. And so it's dissipated the jealousy. But my feelings of jealousy have been well-founded before.'
'Ah, see, that's where I disagree. I resent that fact in the case of Jillian, the college girlfriend, that I can never see her again...for the rest of my life.'
'Do you want to see her again?'
'Yeah! And I resent the fact that you don't trust me enough...'
'I don't want her to become part of our lives...there's no purpose for it.'
'...No way, I just want to stay in touch. Talk about old times.'
'She's a big threat to me. If you were really committed like you say you are, you wouldn't do this. You would realize where I'm coming from.'
'You know probably if you said it didn't matter to you it'd be less important to me...like I said, it's not a pressing need, but I resent the fact that I can't.'
'Do you know why I don't think it's a good idea? It's because I think you're weak...'
'It would be good from the standpoint that it would be proof that you trusted me and that would be good for the marriage.'
'No. You resist temptation, you don't go running into its arms. If I wanted you to trust me, I wouldn't set up situations that were threatening to you...'
Martin may be earnest about his unwavering commitment to his marriage, but his past deceit traumatized Mya. Out of respect for her, he should be careful not to do anything that raises alarm, and yet he takes a stand over inviting an old girlfriend into their home. He taunts and tests his wife, insisting it is her job to prove she is not jealous when instead it is his to prove he is trustworthy. All it accomplishes is to fill his wife with dread. He needs to respect that he cannot impose an expiration date on her need to be vigilant." Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me.
---
"Rebuilding cannot begin without the cheaters continual expression of remorse, even in the face of the partner's profound skepticism. Throughout this phase, the betrayer must remain patient and non-defensive. Understand that an affair shattered every part of the other's sound relationship house and probably triggered a post-traumatic stress response. The result is relentless thoughts like, 'Who is this person really?' 'What are this person's values and morals? I thought I knew, but obviously I don't.' 'What can I trust now?' The wounded partner will feel the starings of new faith only after multiple proofs of trustworthiness. Atonement cannot occur if the cheater insists that the victim take partial blame for the affair...If a partner strayed in the midst of difficult circumstances, it may seem unfair for him or her to take all of the blame, but he or she must. Healing requires that the cheater listen to and understand the other's pain. Eventually, the two will come together to create a new relationship, but that cannot begin until the cheater accepts responsibility without excuse or defensiveness...If [the betrayed] gets stuck in inconsolable hurt and anger, the couple will not be able to resolve conflict. The wounded partner must agree to cooperate as long as the betrayer is making the same effort."
'I believe in adding a strong disincentive to straying again. The betrayer needs to know that there is a catastrophic cost to any subsequent deceit."
"An acceptable slipup is not a return to the affair or a new indiscretion...what the betrayer did is shameful, but he or she is changing that behavior."
April 2, 2021
This book definitely had some good things to say about how couples develop trust, how to prevent betrayal and infidelity, how to repair breaches in trust when they have been created, how to strengthen communication and bonds of intimacy and love in marriage, and many other things based on the research and clinical experience of John Gottman and his associates. There are definitely some worthwhile insights into this book. The chapters talking about conflict and divorce painted kind of a discouraging portrait of marriage and conflict and betrayal in relationships, but the final chapters offer a more hopeful and optimistic message about the benefits of marriage and ways couples can succeed.
I definitely learned some worthwhile things from this book and it was a valuable contribution to my self-education on marriage and relationships.
I definitely learned some worthwhile things from this book and it was a valuable contribution to my self-education on marriage and relationships.
October 20, 2012
John Gottman's books are all good -- and they all say essentially the same things, although there are now nearly a dozen of them. He offers insights from his work videotaping couples, work that does a remarkable job in predicting which marriages will last based on how people treat each other. I read his books less out of concern about my own marriage than the fun of scoring high on women's magazine-style (but deeper) "quizzes" and as a reminder of how to behave. I would highly recommend his work, particularly to those who have concerns about the future of their union, but also to those who are just curious about "the science" of long-term relationships.
April 24, 2025
I don't really like giving a review for a workbook. This was my first intro to Gottman, and I generally like what's presented, but I read this book more as an informational experience rather than to put exercises into practice. It's a nice start to deepening relationships. I bought this copy used, so some of the questionnaires were filled in, always fascinating.
March 9, 2013
3.5. I "trust" John Gottman's advice because it's based on research from his UW lab, & that's what this book is about--fostering trust in relationships. Lots of quizzes--I preferred the personal examples.
February 18, 2018
I was afraid this would be an empty book of "just put yourself out there" and "love is sacrifice". I was totally wrong.
This is an amazing book on relationships and what and why is needed for them to succeed.
This is an amazing book on relationships and what and why is needed for them to succeed.
August 25, 2024
God stuff. Will be discussing with my partner and pastor next month. Excited to get married to my best friend next year!!
Read
August 8, 2024==========
I call these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
==========
Earlier in my career, I thought that if couples learned to avoid the Four Horsemen, they would automatically communicate in positive ways that would allow love to flourish. This is not the case. Defeating the Four Horsemen will not be enough to resolve all of a couple's problems. That can be achieved only by healing and reestablishing mutual trust.
==========
Criticism: "You said you'd clean up, but there are still crumbs on the table. You never do what you say you will." (Words like always and never imply the other has a personality flaw.) Gentle Start-up: "There are still crumbs on the table. I need them to be cleaned up."
==========
Contempt: This is verbal abuse that implies the partner is inferior. It includes name-calling, sarcasm, sneering, and belittling. "You call that cleaning? Can't you do anything right? Hand over the sponge." "Do you have some kind of mental problem? Why is this so difficult for you to grasp? We have to be there by seven!" "Did you check the label? Can you read? You show me where it says DIET iced tea."
==========
Defensiveness: If you're the target of verbal grenades, a desire to defend yourself is understandable. Forms of defensiveness include righteous indignation, launching a counterattack, or acting like an innocent victim (usually by whining). Though you may consider a defensive response justified, it will not end the conflict. Instead, it will raise the tension level. The antidote for defensiveness is to accept responsibility for some of the problem.
==========
Stonewalling: When a barrage of tension leads to flooding, the physically compromised partner stops giving out the usual cues that he or she is listening (head nods, eye contact, brief vocalizations). Instead, the listener reacts like a stone wall, blocking all stimuli. We know this is an attempt to recover from flooding, but stonewalling also shuts down any hope of resolving the disagreement.
==========
But any form or approach to therapy will be futile without recognition of the fundamental issue: the two no longer trust each other.
==========
In the presence of untrustworthiness, negative sliding door moments lead to a poison that I call a negative COMP (or negative comparison). The untrustworthy partner doesn't just turn away. At the same time, he or she compares the partner to someone else, real or imaginary---and the partner loses.
==========
Many people in committed relationships make negative COMPs without admitting it to themselves or their spouse. They push those dangerous thoughts away or dismiss them because they assume that "everyone" has them now and then. There is truth to that. But when these musings are combined with a pattern of turning away and not acknowledging feelings, they are toxic. By ignoring them, couples miss a major warning that their relationship is heading for trouble.
==========
Ten Other Ways to Betray a Lover
==========
1. Conditional Commitment The underlying attitude is: "I'm here for you . . . until someone better comes along."
2. A Nonsexual Affair It's common for platonic friendships to develop
3. Lying
4. Forming a Coalition Against the Partner
5. Absenteeism or Coldness
6. Withdrawal of Sexual Interest
7. Disrespect
8. Unfairness
9. Selfishness
10. Breaking Promises
==========
At times, expressing disapproval of your partner's deeds can be the most loving and supportive action you can take. Blind acceptance is never a healthy strategy.
==========
When couples can understand each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other, real intimacy exists between them. This ability, which we call attunement.
==========
The most frequent stumbling block to attunement is a disparity in how each partner "feels about feelings," especially negative ones. Are you comfortable expressing your emotions when angry or sad? If your partner is upset, do you wish you could just escape? Or do you feel like it's your job to "fix it"? Do you want to tell him or her to just "buck up"?
==========
guidance is always more effective when words of understanding precede words of advice.
==========
Attunement is not about memorizing a script. It's about increasing your understanding of your partner and expressing acceptance and support.
==========
1. Put Your Feelings into Words. I feel...
2. Ask Open-ended Questions Avoid queries that your partner can punt with single words such as yes or no, which kill conversations before they start. Instead, pose questions in ways that require a deeper response. Replace, "Did you have a good day at work?" with "So, what was it like at work today?" Instead of "Did you like the movie?" try "What did you think of the movie?" Or "What was the best part?" And rather than a simple "How's the new mystery you're reading?" ask how it compares to the author's previous work. This technique doesn't apply just to everyday exchanges but also to conversations about significant issues. "Are you upset?" can close off further discussion, but "You seem upset---what's going on?" will encourage it.
3. Follow Up with Statements That Deepen Connection
4. Express Compassion and Empathy
Your role is to let the person you love know that you're standing with him or her. You get and accept his or her emotions as valid---because all feelings are.
==========
Attunement means paying attention to your partner's subtle clues. (It also means making your wishes clear, so your partner can read you.) You don't always have to comply with the request, but you should respond with love and sensitivity.
==========
Once you recognize when your partner is making a bid, the next step, of course, is to turn toward him or her. This doesn't mean you must say "oui!" to learning French or anything else. You just need to respond in a manner that shows you're there.
==========
The Gottman-Rapoport Blueprint for Constructive Conflict:
Stop the discussion and take twenty minutes to calm down. Do not spend the time stewing or otherwise thinking about the conflict. Reengage only when your heart rate is back to baseline. Taking a break can have a dramatic effect.
Always begin the meeting with a review of what's been going right between you lately. Accentuating the positive will defuse some of the tension and render both of you more able to cooperate.
Speaker's Job A = Awareness T = Tolerance T = Transforming criticisms into wishes and positive needs Listener's Job U = Understanding N = Nondefensive listening E = Empathy
First, stick to "I" statements.
==========
awareness is more than a tool for resolving conflict. By weaving it into everyday interactions, you'll be more likely to turn toward each other. Let your partner know you're aware---tuned in---to how he or she is feeling.
==========
don't rush through being the listener. Take the time to ask probing questions that encourage your partner to get it all out. ("What else are you feeling?" "Is there more you want to say?")
==========
About Feelings and Intimacy
1. Talk to each other about your favorite places to kiss and be kissed. 2. At the beginning and end of the day, kiss for at least six seconds. 3. Buy your partner a surprise present. 4. Put your arms around your partner and tell him or her how sexually irresistible (or handsome, or beautiful) he or she is to you right now. 5. For a day or two, hug, kiss, touch, and caress your partner the way you would like to be loved. Then do to your partner what your partner has done to you. Be gentle. 6. Plan a sexual rendezvous in your bedroom. Think about what you will wear, music, lighting. Make sure there is enough time. 7. Use body oil to give your partner a nice, long massage. 8. Buy some sexy lingerie for yourself or your partner. 9. Surprise your partner with your favorite perfume or cologne. 10. Write and read out loud a poem about the wonders of your partner's body. 11. Read an erotic book out loud together. 12. Schedule phone sex with your partner the next time one of you is out of town. 13. Call in late to work one morning after the kids are off to school and have an erotic hour alone together. 14. Have a quickie. 15. Have sex in a new setting. 16. Write your partner a sexy note about where you'd like to lick him or her. 17. Masturbate to orgasm thinking of your partner and write a note about your fantasy. 18. Write your partner about some dirty, naughty sex thoughts that turn you on. 19. Talk dirty to your partner during sex. 20. Try the kitchen counter for oral sex. 21. Take turns being the dominant and the love slave. 22. Play strip poker. 23. Act out a fantasy of your choice. Dress the parts. For example: Two strangers on an airplane Boss and employee Professor and student Massage parlor worker and customer 24. Make bets. The winners get exactly what they want sexually from the partner (within reason). 25. Apply whipped cream or chocolate sauce to your partner's favorite body parts---then kiss and lick away. 26. Help your partner masturbate to orgasm while you watch. 27. Have a pillow fight. 28. During foreplay, guide your partner's hand to demonstrate what feels good and respond with sounds of pleasure. 29. Make a rule: no intercourse tonight, just touching. 30. Sit at the back of a movie theater and make out like teenagers. 31. Give your partner a sexy nickname. 32. Give each other a foot massage. 33. Take turns and kiss, lick, or stroke each other's backs or necks. 34. Dress up in period costumes, go out to dinner, then make love. 35. Gently kiss and suck each other's genitals at the same time. 36. Describe out loud what you love about your partner's face. 37. Try a new sexual position and talk about it afterward. Did it work for you both? 38. Dress up and salsa dance or slow dance together at home. 39. Make love while pretending you're animals, like two panthers. 40. Brush and stroke each other's hair.
==========
Here are some ways to express what you might be feeling during lovemaking. Consider this a menu. Choose whichever words ring true.
1. I'm all yours. 2. I love cuddling with you. 3. I could kiss you like this for hours. 4. I choose you again and again and again. 5. You are always mine. 6. I am remembering the first time we ever kissed. 7. I remember the first time I saw you. 8. You're so hot! 9. I love the curve of your back. 10. I love touching/kissing your ___. 11. I love how strong you are. 12. I cherish being with you this way. 13. Your eyes are so beautiful. 14. I want to hold you close to me. 15. It makes me so happy to hear your heart beating against mine. 16. I long for moments when we can be together like this. 17. You smell so good here. 18. Yes, do that. 19. You're my closest friend in the world. 20. Something inside me opens when we are together. 21. I love coming with you. 22. I feel so close to you. 23. No one moves me like you do. 24. What would you like me to do to you right now? 25. I want you so much. 26. How does this feel? 27. Don't stop. 28. You're so precious to me. 29. Oh my God. 30. This is so delicious. 31. Thank you for loving me. 32. Put your arms around me now. 33. I love the way you're moving. 34. That was the best. 35. You're such a great lover.
I call these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
==========
Earlier in my career, I thought that if couples learned to avoid the Four Horsemen, they would automatically communicate in positive ways that would allow love to flourish. This is not the case. Defeating the Four Horsemen will not be enough to resolve all of a couple's problems. That can be achieved only by healing and reestablishing mutual trust.
==========
Criticism: "You said you'd clean up, but there are still crumbs on the table. You never do what you say you will." (Words like always and never imply the other has a personality flaw.) Gentle Start-up: "There are still crumbs on the table. I need them to be cleaned up."
==========
Contempt: This is verbal abuse that implies the partner is inferior. It includes name-calling, sarcasm, sneering, and belittling. "You call that cleaning? Can't you do anything right? Hand over the sponge." "Do you have some kind of mental problem? Why is this so difficult for you to grasp? We have to be there by seven!" "Did you check the label? Can you read? You show me where it says DIET iced tea."
==========
Defensiveness: If you're the target of verbal grenades, a desire to defend yourself is understandable. Forms of defensiveness include righteous indignation, launching a counterattack, or acting like an innocent victim (usually by whining). Though you may consider a defensive response justified, it will not end the conflict. Instead, it will raise the tension level. The antidote for defensiveness is to accept responsibility for some of the problem.
==========
Stonewalling: When a barrage of tension leads to flooding, the physically compromised partner stops giving out the usual cues that he or she is listening (head nods, eye contact, brief vocalizations). Instead, the listener reacts like a stone wall, blocking all stimuli. We know this is an attempt to recover from flooding, but stonewalling also shuts down any hope of resolving the disagreement.
==========
But any form or approach to therapy will be futile without recognition of the fundamental issue: the two no longer trust each other.
==========
In the presence of untrustworthiness, negative sliding door moments lead to a poison that I call a negative COMP (or negative comparison). The untrustworthy partner doesn't just turn away. At the same time, he or she compares the partner to someone else, real or imaginary---and the partner loses.
==========
Many people in committed relationships make negative COMPs without admitting it to themselves or their spouse. They push those dangerous thoughts away or dismiss them because they assume that "everyone" has them now and then. There is truth to that. But when these musings are combined with a pattern of turning away and not acknowledging feelings, they are toxic. By ignoring them, couples miss a major warning that their relationship is heading for trouble.
==========
Ten Other Ways to Betray a Lover
==========
1. Conditional Commitment The underlying attitude is: "I'm here for you . . . until someone better comes along."
2. A Nonsexual Affair It's common for platonic friendships to develop
3. Lying
4. Forming a Coalition Against the Partner
5. Absenteeism or Coldness
6. Withdrawal of Sexual Interest
7. Disrespect
8. Unfairness
9. Selfishness
10. Breaking Promises
==========
At times, expressing disapproval of your partner's deeds can be the most loving and supportive action you can take. Blind acceptance is never a healthy strategy.
==========
When couples can understand each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other, real intimacy exists between them. This ability, which we call attunement.
==========
The most frequent stumbling block to attunement is a disparity in how each partner "feels about feelings," especially negative ones. Are you comfortable expressing your emotions when angry or sad? If your partner is upset, do you wish you could just escape? Or do you feel like it's your job to "fix it"? Do you want to tell him or her to just "buck up"?
==========
guidance is always more effective when words of understanding precede words of advice.
==========
Attunement is not about memorizing a script. It's about increasing your understanding of your partner and expressing acceptance and support.
==========
1. Put Your Feelings into Words. I feel...
2. Ask Open-ended Questions Avoid queries that your partner can punt with single words such as yes or no, which kill conversations before they start. Instead, pose questions in ways that require a deeper response. Replace, "Did you have a good day at work?" with "So, what was it like at work today?" Instead of "Did you like the movie?" try "What did you think of the movie?" Or "What was the best part?" And rather than a simple "How's the new mystery you're reading?" ask how it compares to the author's previous work. This technique doesn't apply just to everyday exchanges but also to conversations about significant issues. "Are you upset?" can close off further discussion, but "You seem upset---what's going on?" will encourage it.
3. Follow Up with Statements That Deepen Connection
4. Express Compassion and Empathy
Your role is to let the person you love know that you're standing with him or her. You get and accept his or her emotions as valid---because all feelings are.
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Attunement means paying attention to your partner's subtle clues. (It also means making your wishes clear, so your partner can read you.) You don't always have to comply with the request, but you should respond with love and sensitivity.
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Once you recognize when your partner is making a bid, the next step, of course, is to turn toward him or her. This doesn't mean you must say "oui!" to learning French or anything else. You just need to respond in a manner that shows you're there.
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The Gottman-Rapoport Blueprint for Constructive Conflict:
Stop the discussion and take twenty minutes to calm down. Do not spend the time stewing or otherwise thinking about the conflict. Reengage only when your heart rate is back to baseline. Taking a break can have a dramatic effect.
Always begin the meeting with a review of what's been going right between you lately. Accentuating the positive will defuse some of the tension and render both of you more able to cooperate.
Speaker's Job A = Awareness T = Tolerance T = Transforming criticisms into wishes and positive needs Listener's Job U = Understanding N = Nondefensive listening E = Empathy
First, stick to "I" statements.
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awareness is more than a tool for resolving conflict. By weaving it into everyday interactions, you'll be more likely to turn toward each other. Let your partner know you're aware---tuned in---to how he or she is feeling.
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don't rush through being the listener. Take the time to ask probing questions that encourage your partner to get it all out. ("What else are you feeling?" "Is there more you want to say?")
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About Feelings and Intimacy
1. Talk to each other about your favorite places to kiss and be kissed. 2. At the beginning and end of the day, kiss for at least six seconds. 3. Buy your partner a surprise present. 4. Put your arms around your partner and tell him or her how sexually irresistible (or handsome, or beautiful) he or she is to you right now. 5. For a day or two, hug, kiss, touch, and caress your partner the way you would like to be loved. Then do to your partner what your partner has done to you. Be gentle. 6. Plan a sexual rendezvous in your bedroom. Think about what you will wear, music, lighting. Make sure there is enough time. 7. Use body oil to give your partner a nice, long massage. 8. Buy some sexy lingerie for yourself or your partner. 9. Surprise your partner with your favorite perfume or cologne. 10. Write and read out loud a poem about the wonders of your partner's body. 11. Read an erotic book out loud together. 12. Schedule phone sex with your partner the next time one of you is out of town. 13. Call in late to work one morning after the kids are off to school and have an erotic hour alone together. 14. Have a quickie. 15. Have sex in a new setting. 16. Write your partner a sexy note about where you'd like to lick him or her. 17. Masturbate to orgasm thinking of your partner and write a note about your fantasy. 18. Write your partner about some dirty, naughty sex thoughts that turn you on. 19. Talk dirty to your partner during sex. 20. Try the kitchen counter for oral sex. 21. Take turns being the dominant and the love slave. 22. Play strip poker. 23. Act out a fantasy of your choice. Dress the parts. For example: Two strangers on an airplane Boss and employee Professor and student Massage parlor worker and customer 24. Make bets. The winners get exactly what they want sexually from the partner (within reason). 25. Apply whipped cream or chocolate sauce to your partner's favorite body parts---then kiss and lick away. 26. Help your partner masturbate to orgasm while you watch. 27. Have a pillow fight. 28. During foreplay, guide your partner's hand to demonstrate what feels good and respond with sounds of pleasure. 29. Make a rule: no intercourse tonight, just touching. 30. Sit at the back of a movie theater and make out like teenagers. 31. Give your partner a sexy nickname. 32. Give each other a foot massage. 33. Take turns and kiss, lick, or stroke each other's backs or necks. 34. Dress up in period costumes, go out to dinner, then make love. 35. Gently kiss and suck each other's genitals at the same time. 36. Describe out loud what you love about your partner's face. 37. Try a new sexual position and talk about it afterward. Did it work for you both? 38. Dress up and salsa dance or slow dance together at home. 39. Make love while pretending you're animals, like two panthers. 40. Brush and stroke each other's hair.
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Here are some ways to express what you might be feeling during lovemaking. Consider this a menu. Choose whichever words ring true.
1. I'm all yours. 2. I love cuddling with you. 3. I could kiss you like this for hours. 4. I choose you again and again and again. 5. You are always mine. 6. I am remembering the first time we ever kissed. 7. I remember the first time I saw you. 8. You're so hot! 9. I love the curve of your back. 10. I love touching/kissing your ___. 11. I love how strong you are. 12. I cherish being with you this way. 13. Your eyes are so beautiful. 14. I want to hold you close to me. 15. It makes me so happy to hear your heart beating against mine. 16. I long for moments when we can be together like this. 17. You smell so good here. 18. Yes, do that. 19. You're my closest friend in the world. 20. Something inside me opens when we are together. 21. I love coming with you. 22. I feel so close to you. 23. No one moves me like you do. 24. What would you like me to do to you right now? 25. I want you so much. 26. How does this feel? 27. Don't stop. 28. You're so precious to me. 29. Oh my God. 30. This is so delicious. 31. Thank you for loving me. 32. Put your arms around me now. 33. I love the way you're moving. 34. That was the best. 35. You're such a great lover.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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April 8, 2023
Featured in my monthly Non-Fiction book series
I often listen to non-fiction in audiobook format and then find myself pausing every couple minutes because as fast as I am at writing with decades of experience of taking beautiful notes (ask any of my old classmates), I want my scribbles to make sense to me. Super handy when I am writing about a book 4 months after reading it.
What Makes Love Last is a beautiful exploration of a relationship and I came out of it knowing the gravity and circumstances of certain moments. The book talks about the emotional as well as physical aspects of a relationship. I’ll focus on the emotional side mostly. You can read the book for all the tips and details, what I share below are just some of my key takeaways.
Emotional Health of a Relationship
If you have been in a relationship a long time, were there moments when it was vulnerable? Maybe you or your partner were preoccupied and maybe turning away from each other? I learned that there are certain events in life when couples are most vulnerable. Examples are the loss of a parent and the coming of a baby.
When I first read this, I was reminded of when I lost my grandma and the ways in which Clinton supported me through it. Just a few weeks back, I lost my Abu (dad’s sister) and I am discovering how her passing has given me a lot to work through. The grieving process is a long one and I appreciate that when I bring her or my Amma up again, he is still there to listen and support me.
Affairs
What Makes Love Last? talks about affairs and separation. It debunks the naive assumption that affairs are caused by lust. It is another need, most likely an emotional need, that is not being met when one partner turns to someone outside the relationship. The book goes into the psychology of keeping a secret and how it makes distance and cultivates mistrust.
What Makes Love Last offers lots of strategies to stay connected with your partner! Regular how-was-your-day chats, asking open ended questions, following up with statements that deepen both partners’ understanding and expressing compassion and empathy… Not being afraid to get their help in understanding, always having an open channel of communication. The importance of cuddles and making time to discuss goals and dreams together with a weekly check sounds great to do.
There are also lots of pointers for when therapy would be helpful and scripts that John Gottman has used with his study participants.
From the one to everyone else
One of my big lessons from this book that I apply to all relationships now is to not problem solve until I understand the other person’s situation and we can both agree that I have stated it to their satisfaction. This is something I have seen many great speakers and debaters incorporate into their discussions with people, and it’s always great to see ideas reiterated.
Months later, I love seeing how much of this book’s teachings I already do and what else I can incorporate into my life. A lot of what What Makes Love Last covers is not new. I had aha moments because it explored things I hadn’t had time to think about yet. There is power in that: to suddenly be able to take inspiration and advice from thousands of research studies and make a positive difference in our relationship – doesn’t that make life better?
I have read fiction novels since this one and I often find myself recalling the things I learned and noticing the behaviours of the characters who are partners. It’s so much fun to be reminded and see good and working examples in others’ lives, even fictional.
Do you have tips to share for a lasting relationship? I would love to hear from you!
- Kriti, Armed with A Book | Twitter | Facebook | Instagram
I often listen to non-fiction in audiobook format and then find myself pausing every couple minutes because as fast as I am at writing with decades of experience of taking beautiful notes (ask any of my old classmates), I want my scribbles to make sense to me. Super handy when I am writing about a book 4 months after reading it.
What Makes Love Last is a beautiful exploration of a relationship and I came out of it knowing the gravity and circumstances of certain moments. The book talks about the emotional as well as physical aspects of a relationship. I’ll focus on the emotional side mostly. You can read the book for all the tips and details, what I share below are just some of my key takeaways.
Emotional Health of a Relationship
If you have been in a relationship a long time, were there moments when it was vulnerable? Maybe you or your partner were preoccupied and maybe turning away from each other? I learned that there are certain events in life when couples are most vulnerable. Examples are the loss of a parent and the coming of a baby.
When I first read this, I was reminded of when I lost my grandma and the ways in which Clinton supported me through it. Just a few weeks back, I lost my Abu (dad’s sister) and I am discovering how her passing has given me a lot to work through. The grieving process is a long one and I appreciate that when I bring her or my Amma up again, he is still there to listen and support me.
Affairs
What Makes Love Last? talks about affairs and separation. It debunks the naive assumption that affairs are caused by lust. It is another need, most likely an emotional need, that is not being met when one partner turns to someone outside the relationship. The book goes into the psychology of keeping a secret and how it makes distance and cultivates mistrust.
What Makes Love Last offers lots of strategies to stay connected with your partner! Regular how-was-your-day chats, asking open ended questions, following up with statements that deepen both partners’ understanding and expressing compassion and empathy… Not being afraid to get their help in understanding, always having an open channel of communication. The importance of cuddles and making time to discuss goals and dreams together with a weekly check sounds great to do.
There are also lots of pointers for when therapy would be helpful and scripts that John Gottman has used with his study participants.
From the one to everyone else
One of my big lessons from this book that I apply to all relationships now is to not problem solve until I understand the other person’s situation and we can both agree that I have stated it to their satisfaction. This is something I have seen many great speakers and debaters incorporate into their discussions with people, and it’s always great to see ideas reiterated.
Months later, I love seeing how much of this book’s teachings I already do and what else I can incorporate into my life. A lot of what What Makes Love Last covers is not new. I had aha moments because it explored things I hadn’t had time to think about yet. There is power in that: to suddenly be able to take inspiration and advice from thousands of research studies and make a positive difference in our relationship – doesn’t that make life better?
I have read fiction novels since this one and I often find myself recalling the things I learned and noticing the behaviours of the characters who are partners. It’s so much fun to be reminded and see good and working examples in others’ lives, even fictional.
Do you have tips to share for a lasting relationship? I would love to hear from you!
- Kriti, Armed with A Book | Twitter | Facebook | Instagram
May 16, 2022
The author was a guest on a podcast I listen to, so I thought it would be interesting to read more about his ideas. Overall, it was interesting, but it would be more interesting if you're a straight, traditional, conservative couple currently contemplating divorce. I also don't know why he had to talk down specifically on Esther Perel's work, I like her ideas and think she's open-minded.
But I did like the scientific approach and how the author described working through hard conversations.
But I did like the scientific approach and how the author described working through hard conversations.
February 27, 2024
Loved this book. It scratched the Behavioral Economics and social sciences itch in my brain. Wasn’t sure what to expect, but it has great quotes, metaphors, & tangible takeaways. There were some parts I buzzed through quicker than others, but overall, a great book I can see myself referencing down the line.
November 17, 2017
I had to read this book for my Developmental Psychology class. When I saw this book on the list of textbooks that I had to buy, I was quite excited to read it. The topic in general is very interesting, so the book was an easy read. There are lots of fun quizzes throughout the book as well to put your own relationship to the test. While the material was interesting and helpful, it was definitely geared towards an older audience. Nonetheless, it provided great tips on communication and relationship building skills. Highly recommend!
February 1, 2022
Insightful and fact-based. This is less of an advice book and more of a "this is why relationships work the way they do, the good and the bad" book. Which is a great thing if you are willing to take a look at yourself and your interactions and change what needs changing.
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