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Lying Awake
In a Carmelite monastery on the outskirts of Los Angeles, life has continued virtually unchanged for centuries. Here, Sister John of the Cross lives in the service of God. She is the only nun who experiences visions and is regarded by the others as a spiritual master. But Sister John is also plagued by powerful headaches and when a doctor reveals that they may be dangerous, she faces a devastating choice. Is this grace merely an illness and will a ‘cure' mean the end of her illuminations and a soul dry and searching?
181 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
103 people are currently reading
2126 people want to read
About the author
Mark Salzman
36 books226 followersMark Salzman is an award-winning novelist and nonfiction author who has written on a variety of subjects, from a graceful novel about a Carmelite nun’s ecstatic visions and crisis of faith to a compelling memoir about growing up a misfit in a Connecticut suburb – clearly displaying a range that transcends genre. As a boy, all Salzman ever wanted was to be a Kung Fu master, but it was his proficiency on the cello that facilitated his acceptance to Yale at the age of 16. He soon changed his major to Chinese language and philosophy, which took him to mainland China where he taught English for two years and studied martial arts. He never gave up music, though, and Salzman’s cello playing appears on the soundtrack to several films, including the Academy Award-winning documentary Breathing Lessons: The Life and Work of Mark O’Brien. He has also played with Yo-Yo Ma and pianist Emanuel Ax at Lincoln Center. Salzman’s unusual combination of talents – as both a well-known author and a concert-proficient cellist – led to a feature profile about him in The New Yorker magazine. He was also recently presented with the Algonquin West Hollywood Literary Award.
A number of Mark Salzman’s books have been chosen for “book in common” reading programs by more than a few schools and universities for their elegance, humor, and portrayal of our shared humanity. His first memoir, Iron and Silk, inspired by his years in China, was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize in nonfiction and received the Christopher Award. His book True Notebooks is a fascinating look at his experiences as a writing teacher at Los Angeles Central Juvenile Hall, a lockup for violent teenage offenders. Salzman is also the author of the memoir Lost in Place: Growing Up Absurd in Suburbia, and the novels The Laughing Sutra, The Soloist, and Lying Awake. Common to each of his works is a theme of how people struggle to reach an ideal but often fall short, and the quiet change that takes place in facing the discouragement and the possibility of never achieving their goal. Salzman writes with gut-wrenching honesty and unalloyed warmth, combined with a sharp sense of humor.
A number of Mark Salzman’s books have been chosen for “book in common” reading programs by more than a few schools and universities for their elegance, humor, and portrayal of our shared humanity. His first memoir, Iron and Silk, inspired by his years in China, was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize in nonfiction and received the Christopher Award. His book True Notebooks is a fascinating look at his experiences as a writing teacher at Los Angeles Central Juvenile Hall, a lockup for violent teenage offenders. Salzman is also the author of the memoir Lost in Place: Growing Up Absurd in Suburbia, and the novels The Laughing Sutra, The Soloist, and Lying Awake. Common to each of his works is a theme of how people struggle to reach an ideal but often fall short, and the quiet change that takes place in facing the discouragement and the possibility of never achieving their goal. Salzman writes with gut-wrenching honesty and unalloyed warmth, combined with a sharp sense of humor.
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September 6, 2011
Sister John is a Carmelite nun who, after years of dedicated service, begins to experience visions of the divine in ecstatic, crystalline clarity. But these visions are accompanied by terrible headaches, and Sister John is encouraged to seek medical attention. When told by a neurologist that her experiences are likely the result of (curable) epileptic seizures, Sister John is forced to rethink everything she knows about spiritual life.
On the surface, this seems like a(nother) religion vs. science narrative. But, this isn't simply a matter of conflicting paradigms. That's the easy part. It's the human element, the choices we have to make on our own that are difficult.
Sister John is genuinely good and genuinely selfless. She's so selfless and good, I very nearly abandoned the book! I couldn't relate to her. I felt Mark Salzman was keeping too much of a respectful distance. But, as the story develops, we begin to see Sister John's frailty, her human fallibility. And, yes, her self. When the most meaningful experiences of her life are reduced to a neurological defect, your heart breaks for her. Salzman sees the beauty in her vocation...but he doesn't romanticize it.
He's not trying to make Catholicism hip, Evelyn Waugh. He's not trying to make it sexy, Graham Greene. He just wrote a beautiful, poignantly human narrative. And, you don't have to be Catholic to appreciate it.
On the surface, this seems like a(nother) religion vs. science narrative. But, this isn't simply a matter of conflicting paradigms. That's the easy part. It's the human element, the choices we have to make on our own that are difficult.
Sister John is genuinely good and genuinely selfless. She's so selfless and good, I very nearly abandoned the book! I couldn't relate to her. I felt Mark Salzman was keeping too much of a respectful distance. But, as the story develops, we begin to see Sister John's frailty, her human fallibility. And, yes, her self. When the most meaningful experiences of her life are reduced to a neurological defect, your heart breaks for her. Salzman sees the beauty in her vocation...but he doesn't romanticize it.
He's not trying to make Catholicism hip, Evelyn Waugh. He's not trying to make it sexy, Graham Greene. He just wrote a beautiful, poignantly human narrative. And, you don't have to be Catholic to appreciate it.
June 21, 2017
I enjoyed this book immensely. It is the fictional story of Sister John of the Cross. Sister John is a member of a Carmelite monastery on the outskirts of Los Angeles. For many years Sister John has struggled to find true knowledge of God, her spouse, she wants to feel his presence. After waiting for such a long time for an answer she starts having headaches, along with the pain comes joy, she starts having visions, she feels that her prayers and patience have been answered. Sister John is even inspired to write a bestselling book. Whilst she is having one of her spells she sees the world differently, she sees beauty in all the small things in nature in the semi desert garden but most of all Sr. John has met the Divine.
As the pains intensify it is deemed necessary by Sister John's superiors that she sees a doctor and she is faced with a life changing decision, keep her pain (and the disturbance to the lives of her sisters) or have surgery and lose her precious gift.
All of Sister John's thoughts are printed in italics and you feel really a part of her struggle. Her gift has been her consolation over the last few years and also a great benefit to the monastery.
This is such a peaceful story and yet it drew me into asking so many questions!
If such an illness results in wonderful inspired writing is it wrong to assume that the inspiration does not come from the Holy Spirit? If it is just the illness speaking through Sister John why is it not just gobbledygook? Why are her writings so beautiful and wise? Was the gift maybe given by God to help Sister John through an impossibly hard time on her religious journey?
So many ifs and buts in an inspirational story, when we learn what Sister John decides we then have to see what the outcome will be, will all be well with her and the community?
As the pains intensify it is deemed necessary by Sister John's superiors that she sees a doctor and she is faced with a life changing decision, keep her pain (and the disturbance to the lives of her sisters) or have surgery and lose her precious gift.
All of Sister John's thoughts are printed in italics and you feel really a part of her struggle. Her gift has been her consolation over the last few years and also a great benefit to the monastery.
This is such a peaceful story and yet it drew me into asking so many questions!
If such an illness results in wonderful inspired writing is it wrong to assume that the inspiration does not come from the Holy Spirit? If it is just the illness speaking through Sister John why is it not just gobbledygook? Why are her writings so beautiful and wise? Was the gift maybe given by God to help Sister John through an impossibly hard time on her religious journey?
So many ifs and buts in an inspirational story, when we learn what Sister John decides we then have to see what the outcome will be, will all be well with her and the community?
May 22, 2016
Have you ever longed to know God? I mean really know Him, feel close to Him, sense His presence within or near you?
Sister John of the Cross, a cloistered Carmelite of middle age, waited for many dry years to know her Bridegroom. Then a few years ago she started having migraine-like headaches. With the onset of the headaches, she became able to engage in deep meditation and began having Divine encounters, which led to a best-selling book and notoriety for her convent just outside Los Angeles.
However, as the severity of head pain continued to increase, Sister John was forced to seek medical attention which led to a disappointing medical diagnosis and an especially difficult decision for this theophilus, lover of God.
Lying Awake is a gentle, yet powerful story, more poem than prose. The book is organized around the liturgical calendar and rich in Catholic symbolism, which is why—even though it can be read quickly—it is best appreciated at leisure. In the end it is less about how she resolves her medical dilemma than what she learns spiritually, which hopefully is the case for all of us.
Savor it. Better yet, take any one of Sister John’s thoughts—they are all in italics—as a rich source for your daily meditation. Excellent!
Sister John of the Cross, a cloistered Carmelite of middle age, waited for many dry years to know her Bridegroom. Then a few years ago she started having migraine-like headaches. With the onset of the headaches, she became able to engage in deep meditation and began having Divine encounters, which led to a best-selling book and notoriety for her convent just outside Los Angeles.
However, as the severity of head pain continued to increase, Sister John was forced to seek medical attention which led to a disappointing medical diagnosis and an especially difficult decision for this theophilus, lover of God.
Lying Awake is a gentle, yet powerful story, more poem than prose. The book is organized around the liturgical calendar and rich in Catholic symbolism, which is why—even though it can be read quickly—it is best appreciated at leisure. In the end it is less about how she resolves her medical dilemma than what she learns spiritually, which hopefully is the case for all of us.
Savor it. Better yet, take any one of Sister John’s thoughts—they are all in italics—as a rich source for your daily meditation. Excellent!
February 20, 2022
Protagonist Sister John of the Cross is a Carmelite nun living in a convent near Los Angeles. In 1982, she has been there for thirteen years and is going through a “spiritual desert.” She then starts experiencing a vast period of creativity, writing poetry for hours at night, and publishing a book on the contemplative life. This is a period of spiritual awakening. Sister John believes these new visions and out of body sensations are a consequence of her faith.
As she pours water into a bowl, ‘‘The motion of the water as it spiraled toward the basin triggered a spell of vertigo. It was a welcome sensation; she experienced it as rising from within, as if her spirit could no longer be contained by her body.’’
This is an unusual novel that looks at the relationship between the sense of self, mind, and soul. It explores the relationship between the spiritual self and neural functioning of the brain, as she is eventually diagnosed with a neurological condition. She must then decide whether or not to treat this condition medically, and if she does, whether she risks becoming another person entirely from the person she believes herself to be. She does not want to let go of her mystical experiences, and her creative writing, which she sees as giving meaning to her life.
‘‘I can’t bear the thought of going back to where I was before. I prayed and scrubbed and went through the motions with no feeling of love, only a will to keep busy. If the surgery were to take my dream away, everything I’ve gone through up to now would seem meaningless. I wouldn’t even be able to draw inspiration from the memory of it.’’
She consults a doctor and a priest, but neither is particularly sensitive to her dilemma. It is important to note that Sister John of the Cross decided upon this name after the Spanish mystic and poet, Saint John of the Cross, author of the poem ‘‘Dark Night of the Soul.’ Sister John must navigate her own “dark night” as she decides whether or not to go down the medical path.
From reading psychology, I understand that this is a very real problem for many individuals. Inner life and imagination can be released through many outside influences, including disease and neurological dysfunction. The person’s sense of the self is intimately involved, and it is difficult to separate what is internally originated versus externally imposed. They may resist being “cured.”
This short novel engages readers in exploring the spiritual dimensions of the self. The author has brilliantly illustrated Sister John’s desires, doubts, fears, and internal struggles. It depicts monastic life in a much more realistic manner than some I have read recently. I do not think one needs to be a follower of religion to appreciate this book and empathize with Sister John. I found it extremely thought-provoking. I am stopping now before I write a review that is longer than the book!
As she pours water into a bowl, ‘‘The motion of the water as it spiraled toward the basin triggered a spell of vertigo. It was a welcome sensation; she experienced it as rising from within, as if her spirit could no longer be contained by her body.’’
This is an unusual novel that looks at the relationship between the sense of self, mind, and soul. It explores the relationship between the spiritual self and neural functioning of the brain, as she is eventually diagnosed with a neurological condition. She must then decide whether or not to treat this condition medically, and if she does, whether she risks becoming another person entirely from the person she believes herself to be. She does not want to let go of her mystical experiences, and her creative writing, which she sees as giving meaning to her life.
‘‘I can’t bear the thought of going back to where I was before. I prayed and scrubbed and went through the motions with no feeling of love, only a will to keep busy. If the surgery were to take my dream away, everything I’ve gone through up to now would seem meaningless. I wouldn’t even be able to draw inspiration from the memory of it.’’
She consults a doctor and a priest, but neither is particularly sensitive to her dilemma. It is important to note that Sister John of the Cross decided upon this name after the Spanish mystic and poet, Saint John of the Cross, author of the poem ‘‘Dark Night of the Soul.’ Sister John must navigate her own “dark night” as she decides whether or not to go down the medical path.
From reading psychology, I understand that this is a very real problem for many individuals. Inner life and imagination can be released through many outside influences, including disease and neurological dysfunction. The person’s sense of the self is intimately involved, and it is difficult to separate what is internally originated versus externally imposed. They may resist being “cured.”
This short novel engages readers in exploring the spiritual dimensions of the self. The author has brilliantly illustrated Sister John’s desires, doubts, fears, and internal struggles. It depicts monastic life in a much more realistic manner than some I have read recently. I do not think one needs to be a follower of religion to appreciate this book and empathize with Sister John. I found it extremely thought-provoking. I am stopping now before I write a review that is longer than the book!
December 8, 2007
What a beautifully written book, written with such respect and curiosity for the monastic experience!
Basically, it is about a Carmelite Sister who learns that her religious visions (and migraines) might come from a small benign braintumor, and will she take it out, and risk loosing these visions?
I was afraid that it might be one of those science vs religion, easy-answers books, but it wasn't. It is a beautiful story about faith, doubt and everything in between.
My life couldn't be farther away from the Carmelite Sister at the center of the story, and yet there are few books that have touched me like this one did.
This is everything that the Alchemist and that horrible Celestine Prophecy wanted to be, but lacked the gracefulness and the respect for the reader!
Basically, it is about a Carmelite Sister who learns that her religious visions (and migraines) might come from a small benign braintumor, and will she take it out, and risk loosing these visions?
I was afraid that it might be one of those science vs religion, easy-answers books, but it wasn't. It is a beautiful story about faith, doubt and everything in between.
My life couldn't be farther away from the Carmelite Sister at the center of the story, and yet there are few books that have touched me like this one did.
This is everything that the Alchemist and that horrible Celestine Prophecy wanted to be, but lacked the gracefulness and the respect for the reader!
May 13, 2008
I ended up liking this book a whole lot more than I thought I was while I was reading it. In fact, when I wasn't reading it, I would think about something in it that seemed to resonate with me. For example, I thought it interesting to think that "God loves each of us as if there were no one else on earth. Believing that is the most perfect act of faith of all."
The book is about a nun who finds out after years of feeling like she was directly experiencing God's presence that she had epilepsy and that most of what she felt was due to her seizures. She has a surgery to eliminate the problem and wonders whether she should return. After all, wasn't it just the epilepsy that caused her to feel so intimate with God?
I particularly loved the ending. Because all the nuns admitted to doubting their decisions to devote their lives to God. But they were still there, trying. And that was the point to it all. And isn't that the point to what any of us who believes in God do? It takes so much more to keep saying "yes" to doing things when we don't have a complete faith. As Mother Emmanuel said to Sister John, "Yet you're still here, trying to do His will anyway. That's the kind of understanding I meant. The doing kind, not the knowing kind."
One other quote from the book I liked was this: ". . . no matter how many times we hear what it costs to follow Christ, we're still shocked when the bill comes, and we wonder all over again if we can pay it. If we make an act of faith then, it counts more than on the days when we feel sure."
The book is about a nun who finds out after years of feeling like she was directly experiencing God's presence that she had epilepsy and that most of what she felt was due to her seizures. She has a surgery to eliminate the problem and wonders whether she should return. After all, wasn't it just the epilepsy that caused her to feel so intimate with God?
I particularly loved the ending. Because all the nuns admitted to doubting their decisions to devote their lives to God. But they were still there, trying. And that was the point to it all. And isn't that the point to what any of us who believes in God do? It takes so much more to keep saying "yes" to doing things when we don't have a complete faith. As Mother Emmanuel said to Sister John, "Yet you're still here, trying to do His will anyway. That's the kind of understanding I meant. The doing kind, not the knowing kind."
One other quote from the book I liked was this: ". . . no matter how many times we hear what it costs to follow Christ, we're still shocked when the bill comes, and we wonder all over again if we can pay it. If we make an act of faith then, it counts more than on the days when we feel sure."
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 25, 2015
This was an excellent and awesome novel. It revealed the soul of Sister John of the Cross. She thought her main purpose in live as a cloistered nun was to get as close to God as humanly possibly. It was only going through her illness of epilepsy she realized all God requires of us is our obedience and for us to continue to do his will. She lived a contemplative life for approximately twenty-five years and continued in this journey as a novice mistress at the end of the novel.
The book showed a side of the Catholic faith not known to me. Not being of the Catholic faith, it peaked my curiosity. I learned about a very selective women of faith who dedicate their entire lives to the prayer of God. They pray continuously for those who can pray for themselves and for those who can. A life of poverty and simplicity is God's way to the Carmelities.
The Living Rule or prioress was a woman of dignity and wisdom. She saw the gifts of each of the Carmelities and added each to the body in a way which brought cohesives to the group. She brought order to God's order.
The most precious sight in the book was when Sister John of the Cross prayed all night to make her decision regarding surgery. All the nuns in the monastery stood watch with her, with candles lit as Sister John prayed. To me, this demonstrated strength of how important each person is to the body. To the cloistered nuns, Sister John belonged to this monastery and had been accepted by God with or without the gift of writing that she believed came from God. It was their showing of unconditional love. It was described by this author "As thy will be done". Jesus praying to this father in heaven to remove this burden. In Jesus name AMEN.
The Catholic faith embodies ancient old traditions. As the traditions were described by the author, the reader sensed how magnificent and beautiful these traditions must look to the naked eye.
The book showed a side of the Catholic faith not known to me. Not being of the Catholic faith, it peaked my curiosity. I learned about a very selective women of faith who dedicate their entire lives to the prayer of God. They pray continuously for those who can pray for themselves and for those who can. A life of poverty and simplicity is God's way to the Carmelities.
The Living Rule or prioress was a woman of dignity and wisdom. She saw the gifts of each of the Carmelities and added each to the body in a way which brought cohesives to the group. She brought order to God's order.
The most precious sight in the book was when Sister John of the Cross prayed all night to make her decision regarding surgery. All the nuns in the monastery stood watch with her, with candles lit as Sister John prayed. To me, this demonstrated strength of how important each person is to the body. To the cloistered nuns, Sister John belonged to this monastery and had been accepted by God with or without the gift of writing that she believed came from God. It was their showing of unconditional love. It was described by this author "As thy will be done". Jesus praying to this father in heaven to remove this burden. In Jesus name AMEN.
The Catholic faith embodies ancient old traditions. As the traditions were described by the author, the reader sensed how magnificent and beautiful these traditions must look to the naked eye.
August 12, 2009
A wise, gentle book with a very different feel from Salzman's earlier book, The Soloist. It is unashamedly filled with religious language, rendered faithfully and sympathetically. We really feel like we get inside the religious struggle of a longtime nun--and do so, miraculously, without psychologizing. This nun, who struggles for 25 years to know God, finally has a spiritual breakthrough just as she develops severe headaches that turn out to be caused by mild epileptic seizures. Does this mean that her religious experience, which she has written about in a well-received book, was inauthentic? What does that mean for her personal, intimate relationship with God, her calling, and her role in the community? These are hard questions which Salzman explores remarkably faithfully & deeply without offering easy or pat answers. This nun's humility & selfless seeking offer a striking contrast to the (however sympathetically rendered) exclusive, arrogant, selfish striving of the main Pentecostal character in The Hallelujah Side. Even more amazing, this spiritually deep & rich book is a very accessible read that can be read in a couple of hours. I was, however, puzzled by chapter titles that seem to bear no relation to the chapter's content. I must have missed something.
January 4, 2025
This was an unexpected treasure.
July 2, 2012
[Mark Salzman's Lying Awake is a finely wrought gem that plumbs the depths of one woman's soul, and in so doing raises salient questions about the power-and price-of faith.] - Goodreads
This book languished on my bookshelf for several years before I finally got around to reading it. It's a thought-provoking story about a nun in a very small cloister of Carmelite nuns in Los Angeles. Nearly all of the story takes place within these walls. Sister John has been here as a nun for many years, and yet for a long time she feels that she still has not truly met god. She begins to experience severe headaches, but the headaches are accompanied by a transcendent experience that she feels bring her close to god. What happens beyond this point is interesting and seems akin to some of the more mundane decisions and turning points we all come to in our lives at some point. As much as I disdane organized religion, I find stories about it somehow fascinating. The story was gently and skillfully told, I recommend it.
This book languished on my bookshelf for several years before I finally got around to reading it. It's a thought-provoking story about a nun in a very small cloister of Carmelite nuns in Los Angeles. Nearly all of the story takes place within these walls. Sister John has been here as a nun for many years, and yet for a long time she feels that she still has not truly met god. She begins to experience severe headaches, but the headaches are accompanied by a transcendent experience that she feels bring her close to god. What happens beyond this point is interesting and seems akin to some of the more mundane decisions and turning points we all come to in our lives at some point. As much as I disdane organized religion, I find stories about it somehow fascinating. The story was gently and skillfully told, I recommend it.
December 11, 2013
Beautifully written, sensitive. Don't be misled by the setting, this story is not about the monastery, a nun's habit, or migraines. I won't spoil it for you, I'll let you discover the story for yourself. Half way through tears ran down my cheeks, were they for a fictitious character in a novel? pg. 170, "If I serve Thee in hopes of Paradise, deny me Paradise. If I serve Thee in fear of hell, condemn me to hell. But if I love Thee for love of Thyself, then grant me Thyself." I believe this was borrowed from Rabia Basri an 8th century poet. Very nicely done.
Read
August 28, 2007It's been sitting there, slim and unattended, for a long time, sort of like me at a junior high party.
July 11, 2008
Salzman's writing is quiet and precise, as unobtrusive as a nun's rustling skirts. It went a little slow at first, but gradually I grew accustomed to the slow and meditative pace, and became entirely engaged in the cloistered life of his characters. Sister John of the Cross faces a stark predicament involving a health condition, a form of epilepsy that produces rapturous mental states--a phenomenon shared by Dostoevsky, who described it in 3rd person in The Idiot:
"He remembered that he always had one minute just before the epleptic fit when suddenly in the midst of sadness, spiritual darkness and oppression, there seemed at moments a flash of light in his brain, and with extraordinary impetus all his vital forces suddenly began working at their highest tension. The sense of life, the consciousness of self, were multiplied ten times at these moments which passed like a flash of lightning. His mind and heart were flooded with extraordinary light... But these moments, these flashes, were only the prelude of that final second in which the fit began."
FD went on to say that regardless of the "abnormalcy" of his disease that those moments were of "the highest form of existence" and "the acme of harmony and beauty". He concludes with a Rumiesque phrase:
"at the very last conscious moment before the fit began, he had time to say to himself clearly and consciously, 'Yes, for this moment one might give one's whole life!'"
Salzman's realistic account of Carmelite mysticism was sensitive and sympathetic, but also maintained a sense of objectivity. Sister John's decision is not overly-dramatized, nor are her rapturous fits described with obvious overtones of "specialness." Reading this, I understood better what meditation teacher Shinzen Young describes in "The Science of Enlightenment": the underlying commonality of all mystical traditions being simple mindfulness and equanimity. Closeness to God through renunciation of self, in the least romantic sense of the term.
Check out an interview with the author on Salon.com after you read the book (truly a quick read), located here.
"He remembered that he always had one minute just before the epleptic fit when suddenly in the midst of sadness, spiritual darkness and oppression, there seemed at moments a flash of light in his brain, and with extraordinary impetus all his vital forces suddenly began working at their highest tension. The sense of life, the consciousness of self, were multiplied ten times at these moments which passed like a flash of lightning. His mind and heart were flooded with extraordinary light... But these moments, these flashes, were only the prelude of that final second in which the fit began."
FD went on to say that regardless of the "abnormalcy" of his disease that those moments were of "the highest form of existence" and "the acme of harmony and beauty". He concludes with a Rumiesque phrase:
"at the very last conscious moment before the fit began, he had time to say to himself clearly and consciously, 'Yes, for this moment one might give one's whole life!'"
Salzman's realistic account of Carmelite mysticism was sensitive and sympathetic, but also maintained a sense of objectivity. Sister John's decision is not overly-dramatized, nor are her rapturous fits described with obvious overtones of "specialness." Reading this, I understood better what meditation teacher Shinzen Young describes in "The Science of Enlightenment": the underlying commonality of all mystical traditions being simple mindfulness and equanimity. Closeness to God through renunciation of self, in the least romantic sense of the term.
Check out an interview with the author on Salon.com after you read the book (truly a quick read), located here.
October 22, 2016
Somewhere outside present-day Los Angeles - cloistered inside a Carmelite convent - Sister John of the Cross spends her days in contemplation of the divinity of the Lord. While the pace of life within the walls of this holy place has remained unchanged for centuries, Sister John has dedicated her life to the service of others. She has used her God-given talents to bring recognition to her sisters and to her convent by writing inspirational and religious poetry. While she has spent her many years there honoring God and His many blessings, she has also experienced something not many people ever have.
She alone witnesses visions of such dazzling grace and spiritual intensity, that she is viewed as a modern-day prophetess by many of her sisters. These visions are both extraordinarily powerful and profoundly insightful, and Sister John has even gained some small measure of fame from within the community of Los Angles because of the brilliance of her poetry. However, despite her growing prominence as an author and poet, Sister John still remains humble and counts herself extraordinarily blessed to have had such wonderful experiences and gives all glory to God. However, sooner or later Sister John will eventually face a very human dilemma.
For years she has suffered from debilitating headaches, sharp pain that usually accompanies Sister John's miraculous visions. When a doctor reveals that her headaches may actually be a sign of something more dangerous, she faces a devastating choice. Because if Sister John's spiritual gifts are just physical symptoms of a serious illness rather than signs of grace bestowed on her, will seeking an earthly "cure" mean that her soul will ultimately become bereft; or that God will eventually forsake His faithful servant?
I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed this book. In my opinion, it was a delightful story and I really appreciated this poignant glimpse into a life spent within a convent. I will say that I have always been interested in reading anything that involves living the cloistered life. I would certainly give this book an A+!
She alone witnesses visions of such dazzling grace and spiritual intensity, that she is viewed as a modern-day prophetess by many of her sisters. These visions are both extraordinarily powerful and profoundly insightful, and Sister John has even gained some small measure of fame from within the community of Los Angles because of the brilliance of her poetry. However, despite her growing prominence as an author and poet, Sister John still remains humble and counts herself extraordinarily blessed to have had such wonderful experiences and gives all glory to God. However, sooner or later Sister John will eventually face a very human dilemma.
For years she has suffered from debilitating headaches, sharp pain that usually accompanies Sister John's miraculous visions. When a doctor reveals that her headaches may actually be a sign of something more dangerous, she faces a devastating choice. Because if Sister John's spiritual gifts are just physical symptoms of a serious illness rather than signs of grace bestowed on her, will seeking an earthly "cure" mean that her soul will ultimately become bereft; or that God will eventually forsake His faithful servant?
I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed this book. In my opinion, it was a delightful story and I really appreciated this poignant glimpse into a life spent within a convent. I will say that I have always been interested in reading anything that involves living the cloistered life. I would certainly give this book an A+!
December 7, 2016
Lying Awake by Mark Salzman is a beautiful portrait of faith. It describes the struggle of one nun coming to terms with the price of her faith and how her decisions affect those around her. Sister John of the Cross believes the visions and headaches she has been having are divine ecstasies but a medical diagnosis reveals she has epilepsy due to a small growth on her brain. The majority of the book deals with Sister John, her reasons for turning to a cloistered life, and her struggle to decide whether to remove to growth or to allow her visions to continue.
Along with the main plot, Lying Awake also provides an intimate look at what life as a Carmelite Nun is like which was interesting to read about in a way. I didn't think that this book was terrible or badly written and if you are a Christian its a good book about how each of us has tests of faith to overcome. However the reason I can't rate it higher is because I personally don't agree with this type of extreme lifestyle nor do I think one should ever consider foregoing medical treatment in favor of what could be 'visions'. I know the point of the plot is Sister John's journey and her enduring faith but having grown up in very Christian environment I really struggle with the concept of such an extreme lifestyle in order to demonstrate that faith. In the end I personally disagreed with too many aspects presented in this book so that is why I can only give this book 2 stars.
Along with the main plot, Lying Awake also provides an intimate look at what life as a Carmelite Nun is like which was interesting to read about in a way. I didn't think that this book was terrible or badly written and if you are a Christian its a good book about how each of us has tests of faith to overcome. However the reason I can't rate it higher is because I personally don't agree with this type of extreme lifestyle nor do I think one should ever consider foregoing medical treatment in favor of what could be 'visions'. I know the point of the plot is Sister John's journey and her enduring faith but having grown up in very Christian environment I really struggle with the concept of such an extreme lifestyle in order to demonstrate that faith. In the end I personally disagreed with too many aspects presented in this book so that is why I can only give this book 2 stars.
August 29, 2008
This is a small, simply written book about a current-day Carmelite nun who has passed years in her monastery feeling disconnected from her faith. She begins to have intense spiritual visions and experiences which she believes is the connection to God she has been working towards her whole life. At the same time these hyper-religious experiences are accompanied by severely debilitating pain, headaches and blackouts. She is forced to seek medical treatment and it is revealed that the visions are caused by a form of epilepsy which causes religious obsession, visions, hypergraphia. The story hinges around her struggle to reconcile the fact that her euphoric connection to God and faith may simply be an abnormality in her brain.
I found that while reading this book, I actually thought about it more when I put it down. When trying to rate this book I hover between the "it was ok"-2 stars and the "liked it"-3 stars; the written story was interesting, but I was actually more interested in the ideas the book provoked - faith, reason, the need for a religious connection, the sometimes pride of religous devotion when your motives should be selfless.
I found that while reading this book, I actually thought about it more when I put it down. When trying to rate this book I hover between the "it was ok"-2 stars and the "liked it"-3 stars; the written story was interesting, but I was actually more interested in the ideas the book provoked - faith, reason, the need for a religious connection, the sometimes pride of religous devotion when your motives should be selfless.
March 22, 2011
"Sister John of the Cross pushed her blanket aside, dropped to her knees on the floor of the cell, and offered the day to God."
I'm not sure why, being raised Protestant, I wanted to read this slim novel, but I did. Perhaps I was curious about the daily life of a cloistered Catholic nun, or perhaps it was simply that I enjoyed Salzman's other books. I enjoyed this one too. Sister John is an interesting person, not at all certain of either her faith or her vocational choice. After years in the convent, struggling with her faith, she has a few years of intense religious experience, expressed in her lovely poetry. When she discovers that experience might be based upon illness, her world is shaken. Should she have surgery to cure the illness, and risk losing that experience? I enjoyed Salzman's look at the life inside a convent, the way he uses language, and especially his clear-eyed depiction of women who devote their lives to God. It is a book that should cheer anyone who ever has felt discouraged in his or her choice of profession, whatever it is. I may want to revisit Mariette in Ecstasy, by Ron Hanson.
I'm not sure why, being raised Protestant, I wanted to read this slim novel, but I did. Perhaps I was curious about the daily life of a cloistered Catholic nun, or perhaps it was simply that I enjoyed Salzman's other books. I enjoyed this one too. Sister John is an interesting person, not at all certain of either her faith or her vocational choice. After years in the convent, struggling with her faith, she has a few years of intense religious experience, expressed in her lovely poetry. When she discovers that experience might be based upon illness, her world is shaken. Should she have surgery to cure the illness, and risk losing that experience? I enjoyed Salzman's look at the life inside a convent, the way he uses language, and especially his clear-eyed depiction of women who devote their lives to God. It is a book that should cheer anyone who ever has felt discouraged in his or her choice of profession, whatever it is. I may want to revisit Mariette in Ecstasy, by Ron Hanson.
March 14, 2008
A humane portrayal of the struggle to connect to something beyond oneself. A central question posed by this book is what makes a spiritual life worthwhile. Are positive religous states beneficial or addictive? As the priest says in response to Sister John's fears about losing her mystical experiences: "The problem is, you're still looking out for number one." Contrast that to the doctor's confession about almost quitting medicine during his first year of residency because he realized he had gotten into medicine for the wrong reasons but remained when he found out "that everybody gets into medicine for the wrong reasons. It comes with the territory." At the end of the day, it's the commitment, community, and daily practice that sustains Sister John, despite the struggle.
November 29, 2013
Lying Awake is a Carmelite Nun's journey through ecstatic conversation with God and a decision about her health that is likely to remove that closeness from her life. The writing itself is sparse and internal, very much like the inner life I imagine a nun to have. Beautiful and kept me up reading late into the night.
November 17, 2020
Spare, even stark in its emotions, but every moment is woven into a larger tapestry of Scripture, theology, assumptions, moral claims--a way of thought which we only glimpse but which surrounds and penetrates the story we see. A very raw portrayal of a crisis of faith: not a confrontation between science and faith but a confrontation with self, forced by science, with faith offering one interpretation of the evidence. This novel shows the kind of perspective shift in which the things we see remain the same--we don't need to reject any of them--and yet they change utterly, because the observer has changed.
I also loved the beauty of nature here. In a weird way Lying Awake reminded me of Lawrence Wechsler's essay, "L.A. Glows," which I read around the same time--the mystical quality of the haze could be smog, or it could be a vision of life in communion, or it could be smog that shows you something true even while it damages your lungs. Wechsler writes about a lot of perspective shifts, including the shift to see the light itself instead of what it illuminates.
I worried that this book would be preachy and it very occasionally slightly is. (Lol this title, too. Is she lying to herself, or is she at at last awake???) But mostly it lets the Carmelites' way of life do the talking; and when people do attempt to interpret with words, their words come from their varied characters and styles of spirituality, rather than seeming authorial... almost all the time.
I was sort of surprised at how deeply this book affected me, even though I have zero call to religious life and have never seriously doubted God's existence or the truth of the Church since I converted.
I also loved the beauty of nature here. In a weird way Lying Awake reminded me of Lawrence Wechsler's essay, "L.A. Glows," which I read around the same time--the mystical quality of the haze could be smog, or it could be a vision of life in communion, or it could be smog that shows you something true even while it damages your lungs. Wechsler writes about a lot of perspective shifts, including the shift to see the light itself instead of what it illuminates.
I worried that this book would be preachy and it very occasionally slightly is. (Lol this title, too. Is she lying to herself, or is she at at last awake???) But mostly it lets the Carmelites' way of life do the talking; and when people do attempt to interpret with words, their words come from their varied characters and styles of spirituality, rather than seeming authorial... almost all the time.
I was sort of surprised at how deeply this book affected me, even though I have zero call to religious life and have never seriously doubted God's existence or the truth of the Church since I converted.
May 12, 2025
What a beautiful book! Less than 200 pages… I think the word is BEAUTIFUL! Very intimate view of the life of a discalced Carmelite nun!
Alguien más léalo para comentarlo. Seguir al Señor es un MISTERIO…
Alguien más léalo para comentarlo. Seguir al Señor es un MISTERIO…
February 2, 2010
Sister John is a nun who, having struggled with doubt and disillusionment for years, is finally reaching the spiritual heights she envisioned when she first joined the convent. She is an inspiration to those around her, writing prolific devotional poetry to critical acclaim. When a neurological explanation for her newfound spirituality comes to light, everything is suddenly cast into doubt and she struggles with the dilemma of whether to relinquish her gift and have the brain surgery her doctor deems necessary.
"Sister John thought: I can't bear the thought of going back to who I was before. I prayed and scrubbed and went through the motions with no feeling of love, only a will to keep busy. If the surgery were to take my dream away, everything I've gone through up to now would seem meaningless...But what is my dream? Is it really to know God, or is it to know personal happiness?" (p. 138)
In this short and deceptively accessible novel, Mark Salzman plays with this question of spirituality vs. selfishness from a variety of perspectives.
"'...we're all better off having doubts about the state of our souls than presuming ourselves to be holy,'" Sister John's priest tells her when she confides her diagnosis and dilemma to him. "'You allowed yourself to think that loving God meant enjoying His company, having ecstasies. It was all about you, wasn't it? But loving God is supposed to be all about Him.'"
Was Sister John selfish to crave spiritually intense experiences as opposed to making her peace with the often mundane nature of subservience to God? This is a question with a great deal of meaning for anyone who strives to be religious or spiritual and live their life for a higher purpose.
Salzman looks at this question from other perspectives as well. One nun confesses to feeling inferior to her peers because she cannot tolerate the cloistered lifestyle and prefers to serve the community. A novice nun struggles with her family's accusation that she has retreated to the convent out of a selfish desire for attention and respect, an accusation that stings because it may contain some truth. And Sister John herself, earlier in the story, is confronted by the mother who abandoned her and sorely tempted, legitimately, to tell her off in spite of her religious training.
Is it selfish for religious people to want their lifestyle to provide them with personal satisfaction? Or is it simply a natural outgrowth of following a lifestyle in which material sacrifices are made, ostensibly, for the greater good?
I feel these are profound questions, and the book's short length and accessible style enhance its power. I did take off a star because I felt somehow distanced from the narrative and the characters where I would have preferred to feel more fully involved. Although I'd like to think that was a deliberate attempt to provide me with a reading experience that parallels that of a spiritual seeker who seeks a more connected experience, I suspect that's a bit of a stretch and would have preferred a more emotionally engaging experience.
"Sister John thought: I can't bear the thought of going back to who I was before. I prayed and scrubbed and went through the motions with no feeling of love, only a will to keep busy. If the surgery were to take my dream away, everything I've gone through up to now would seem meaningless...But what is my dream? Is it really to know God, or is it to know personal happiness?" (p. 138)
In this short and deceptively accessible novel, Mark Salzman plays with this question of spirituality vs. selfishness from a variety of perspectives.
"'...we're all better off having doubts about the state of our souls than presuming ourselves to be holy,'" Sister John's priest tells her when she confides her diagnosis and dilemma to him. "'You allowed yourself to think that loving God meant enjoying His company, having ecstasies. It was all about you, wasn't it? But loving God is supposed to be all about Him.'"
Was Sister John selfish to crave spiritually intense experiences as opposed to making her peace with the often mundane nature of subservience to God? This is a question with a great deal of meaning for anyone who strives to be religious or spiritual and live their life for a higher purpose.
Salzman looks at this question from other perspectives as well. One nun confesses to feeling inferior to her peers because she cannot tolerate the cloistered lifestyle and prefers to serve the community. A novice nun struggles with her family's accusation that she has retreated to the convent out of a selfish desire for attention and respect, an accusation that stings because it may contain some truth. And Sister John herself, earlier in the story, is confronted by the mother who abandoned her and sorely tempted, legitimately, to tell her off in spite of her religious training.
Is it selfish for religious people to want their lifestyle to provide them with personal satisfaction? Or is it simply a natural outgrowth of following a lifestyle in which material sacrifices are made, ostensibly, for the greater good?
I feel these are profound questions, and the book's short length and accessible style enhance its power. I did take off a star because I felt somehow distanced from the narrative and the characters where I would have preferred to feel more fully involved. Although I'd like to think that was a deliberate attempt to provide me with a reading experience that parallels that of a spiritual seeker who seeks a more connected experience, I suspect that's a bit of a stretch and would have preferred a more emotionally engaging experience.
Read
October 20, 2018For Advanced Religion class. Sex with God. Interesting...should read again in college.
January 9, 2011
This was a good one to read on the heels of
The Power and The Glory
, which I finished a couple weeks ago. Both novels concern hypervigilant, self-critical souls questing for God and unable to take comfort in potential signs of having made progress.
Salzman's character is a cloistered nun who for almost 30 years has devoted herself to chanting liturgies, meditating, and writing poetry about the soul's aspiration. She has now begun having severe headaches, which she almost welcomes as a small portion of the cross she seeks to bear. But with them, increasingly, come flashes of vision that could be glimpses into the hereafter. If so, this could be the answer to her lifetime of self-sacrifice.
There's a medical explanation, too, however, and the neurologist has a remedy. Of more concern to her is the implication of allowing the visions to continue: It can't be right for her to allow other nuns to become jealous of her gift, or to disrupt the ordered flow of activities in the convent when the condition overtakes her. (Any parallel between her and their patron saint, who may have had the same condition, is of course unthinkable and never mentioned.) On the other hand, she dreads giving them up and resuming her former unanswered quest. Still, taking any pleasure in what could be evidence of God's favor would, by definition, make her undeserving of that favor.
Mark Salzman is one of the two living authors I would most like to know in person (the other being Amy Tan). I first encountered him via his delightful coming-of-age memoir Lost in Place, then Iron & Silk, and most recently The Soloist, which is most like the present one. (I see that I gave five stars to The Laughing Sutra, but my memory of that is not as vivid.) In each, I admired the insight he displays, particularly because each intersects with a portion of my own life and relates it in a way I could not.
Salzman's character is a cloistered nun who for almost 30 years has devoted herself to chanting liturgies, meditating, and writing poetry about the soul's aspiration. She has now begun having severe headaches, which she almost welcomes as a small portion of the cross she seeks to bear. But with them, increasingly, come flashes of vision that could be glimpses into the hereafter. If so, this could be the answer to her lifetime of self-sacrifice.
There's a medical explanation, too, however, and the neurologist has a remedy. Of more concern to her is the implication of allowing the visions to continue: It can't be right for her to allow other nuns to become jealous of her gift, or to disrupt the ordered flow of activities in the convent when the condition overtakes her. (Any parallel between her and their patron saint, who may have had the same condition, is of course unthinkable and never mentioned.) On the other hand, she dreads giving them up and resuming her former unanswered quest. Still, taking any pleasure in what could be evidence of God's favor would, by definition, make her undeserving of that favor.
Mark Salzman is one of the two living authors I would most like to know in person (the other being Amy Tan). I first encountered him via his delightful coming-of-age memoir Lost in Place, then Iron & Silk, and most recently The Soloist, which is most like the present one. (I see that I gave five stars to The Laughing Sutra, but my memory of that is not as vivid.) In each, I admired the insight he displays, particularly because each intersects with a portion of my own life and relates it in a way I could not.
June 11, 2009
One of the best books I have read in a long time. I LOVED IT. The story revolves around a nun who comes from a troubled home. As a child she clings to the nuns at school and decides to become one. (Btw this is not the cruel or goofy depiction of nuns we often see. They are good, holy women). As an adult she begins having violent visions of God where she feels compelled to write about what she has seen. To help others she publishes her writings, and they become popular. Unfortunately she finds out her visions are medical episodes triggered by epilepsy not religious events. This causes a trial in her faith- should she get the surgery and remove her closeness to God, or should she keep the visions but endanger her own health and continually scare her fellow sisters. The lessons she learns about God, visions, spirituality, life, forgiveness and self-acceptance are powerful. She also learns that the impact of her life goes far beyond her writings but that her character has made the world a better place. This is not a syrupy book. It is subtle and mostly contained in the mind of the lead character. I LOVED it! It reminded me a lot of Gilead, Death Comes for the Archbishop and I Heard the Owl Call My Name. I can't figure out why it is out of print. What a shame! Find it and read it!
March 8, 2011
A gorgeous prose poem, a companion piece to the devotional/passionate/erotic poetry of the Beguines, St. John of the Cross, the testaments of all the mystics, medieval to modern, who have balanced sense and ecstasy and tried to make it a narrative and a life, put it into words, make it a daily experience you could live with. I found Sister John believable, human, and hard to pinpoint - traumatized girl, fat girl, mystic, middle aged woman, epilepsy victim, aging nun. For me, Salzman's narrative had more character than the characters, and the passages of poetry, either from the Rule or scripture or Sister John's poetry, was the heart of this novella. Ultimately it was a "slight" novel - revolving around a single decision, a short period of time, a limited cast of characters - but ultimately too I only wanted this narrative to be a prose poem, nothing more. It's not a novel on the scale of Anna Karenina and should not be held to the same standards. Another favorite of the same novella/prose poem genre that comes to mind is Delillo's The Body Artist or some of Jeanette Winterson's work. Too bad we've lost that genre for sales purposes at least.
I read this mostly on the subway and at home on a rainy Sunday. Which only reinforced the idea of a prosaic world, grace, epiphany, transformation out of reach - and the book points to how to live with that absence.
I read this mostly on the subway and at home on a rainy Sunday. Which only reinforced the idea of a prosaic world, grace, epiphany, transformation out of reach - and the book points to how to live with that absence.
June 22, 2007
Lying Awake is a book I received during one of last year's BookCrossing meetings. It is one of the most engrossing books I've read this year. It is a short book, only 181 pages (and with a large font). Each short chapter reads like a prayer, a perfect fit as it follows a nun who is facing surgery to cure her of her headaches. If she has the surgery she will be pain free for the first time in years but she will probably lose her feeling of rapture.
As a long time sufferer of migraines, I felt connected to Sister John and her desire to live with her pain and not let it rule her life. As the pain progresses and her migraines are rediagnosed as a form of epilepsy I was further engrossed. The descriptions of her episodes matched what I've been told they are like.
Lying Awake is also a book about inner struggles. Sister John wants to be true to her calling. While suffering through the headaches and seizures she feels closer to her god but the pain keeps her from helping with her duties at the convent. The cure will give her back her peace of mind and free her of her pain but she will lose that sense of union. What is the best solution for her to take for the betterment of her community and for herself?
As a long time sufferer of migraines, I felt connected to Sister John and her desire to live with her pain and not let it rule her life. As the pain progresses and her migraines are rediagnosed as a form of epilepsy I was further engrossed. The descriptions of her episodes matched what I've been told they are like.
Lying Awake is also a book about inner struggles. Sister John wants to be true to her calling. While suffering through the headaches and seizures she feels closer to her god but the pain keeps her from helping with her duties at the convent. The cure will give her back her peace of mind and free her of her pain but she will lose that sense of union. What is the best solution for her to take for the betterment of her community and for herself?
March 27, 2011
What happens to your faith and your closeness to God when you find out that this closeness might be a result of a brain tumor? Do you go ahead and have the operation thinking that this rapture might end? These are the questions one finds portrayed in Lying Awake.
Although quite a short book, this novel packed quite a few things that people have wondered about for ages. Does God exist in our minds and hearts and if so is that enough to get one totally devoted to him? Sister St John of the Cross, is the main character going through this dilemma. Her faith is the one constant in her life, one that she has worked on for many years. Her attempts to become one with God has been achieved but now she finds that the goal she has reached might be on that was caused by illness, not by anything she has done to be one with God.
This is a book that will have you thinking long after you finish the last page. It is ever so hard to give up something you have worked a lifetime for, so what choice would you make? Sister John is faced with this ultimate choice, go on being in God's presence physically, mentally, and emotionally or run the risk that the removal of the tumor will take this heavenly bliss away.
Although quite a short book, this novel packed quite a few things that people have wondered about for ages. Does God exist in our minds and hearts and if so is that enough to get one totally devoted to him? Sister St John of the Cross, is the main character going through this dilemma. Her faith is the one constant in her life, one that she has worked on for many years. Her attempts to become one with God has been achieved but now she finds that the goal she has reached might be on that was caused by illness, not by anything she has done to be one with God.
This is a book that will have you thinking long after you finish the last page. It is ever so hard to give up something you have worked a lifetime for, so what choice would you make? Sister John is faced with this ultimate choice, go on being in God's presence physically, mentally, and emotionally or run the risk that the removal of the tumor will take this heavenly bliss away.
July 13, 2013
The appeal of the monastic life is evident to those attracted to martial arts and romantic versions of Buddhism. Salzman, whose previous books entailed his concern with things Eastern and Wise, has written a fantastic account of life in a Californian Carmelite convent. Salzman worked in a youth prison while he was struggling with writing this novel. In contrast to the chatter of teen felons in True Notebooks, this novel walks softly through the austere settings and stark schedules of the nuns; you can hear a pin drop or the emotional dynamics in a room change. The plot is about a nun whose mystical experiences, and successful spiritual writings, may or may not be the result of epilepsy. A sojourn to a hospital reveals that medicine too requires discipline, obedience and attention. Besides the question of supernatural sources of spiritual vision, this fine novel is more rewarding about doubt, faith and struggle: “God’s presence was replaced by an atmosphere of human compromise.” Amen!
June 7, 2017
"Didn't [St.] Teresa also warn that the price of following a dream includes painful setbacks, even having to start all over again? Sometimes it means facing things that we think we can't face, to learn the depth of God's mystery and of our need for faith.
My God, I feel as if I am being torn apart."
Sister John of the Cross is going through her own "dark night of the soul." She sees the world through a kaleidoscopic lens, seeing spirituality in everything. However, she soon learns that her spiritual ecstasy is the result of epilepsy. With an operation, she can be healed, but she may also lose what is most meaningful to her.
This is not a false dichotomy of science vs faith story. It is the story of a woman struggling with faith, doubt, suffering, and God. It is beautifully written, poetic, and well-researched.
"We all have to try to become holy on our own, and fail, before we can approach God with humility."
My God, I feel as if I am being torn apart."
Sister John of the Cross is going through her own "dark night of the soul." She sees the world through a kaleidoscopic lens, seeing spirituality in everything. However, she soon learns that her spiritual ecstasy is the result of epilepsy. With an operation, she can be healed, but she may also lose what is most meaningful to her.
This is not a false dichotomy of science vs faith story. It is the story of a woman struggling with faith, doubt, suffering, and God. It is beautifully written, poetic, and well-researched.
"We all have to try to become holy on our own, and fail, before we can approach God with humility."
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