The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

by Kathy Labriola

A counselor and nurse specializing in polyamorous singles, couples and groupings, Kathy Labriola has spent many years helping people to understand and manage their jealousy. This book is a compendium of the techniques and exercises she has developed, as well as tips and insights from the polyamory community's top educators, therapists and authors.

These accessible, simple techniques are designed to be easily implemented in the event of an intense jealousy crisis. They are even more useful if undertaken over a period of time before a jealousy crisis happens, to build a skill set that will be at hand to help managing jealousy when and if it does occur.

Genres: Polyamory, Relationships, Self Help, Nonfiction, Sexuality, Psychology, Love

200 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2013

Reviews

[Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book has a lot of good things about it..... except for the first chapter. The author should probably stick to working with jealousy and not helping people decide if an open relationship is for them or not. I think a lot of invalid assumptions are made in that chapter about certain things that are necessarily "lost" when someone gets into an open relationship, like being able to feel secure with your partner. I think with healthy individuals who get some experience under their belt, then there can be plenty of security even with multiple partners.

Otherwise, this book was great. Lots of good advice and different strategies for tackling and understanding jealousy and what can cause it. I'm not much of one to struggle with jealousy myself, but it is good to know I have this resource if I ever need it or ever do struggle with jealousy. I would very likely recommend this book to anyone in an open relationship that thinks jealousy is or will be a problem for them.

[Michelle Dokakis · Rating 4 out of 5]

On the whole this is a good book with useful strategies for managing and diminishing jealousy. That said, there are a boatload of different ways to have an open relationship, and this book is written from a pretty strictly hierarchal poly perspective. If that isn’t the type of relationship you have or want to have, this isn’t the best book for you. Some solutions given in example scenarios feel problematic as the solution clearly prioritizes one relationship/one partner, and the author doesn’t give much thought to how that solution might affect the partner “outside of” that primary relationship.

[Behnaz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won't say I am new to the world of open relationships because I am not. Nonetheless after reading this book I realized I've never been so aware of my feelings and coping methods. In communities where poly or open relationships are praised, normally talking about any form of jealousy is a taboo. As if the recognition that you shouldn't be limiting your partner, should automatically wind up every form of unconscious fear of not measuring up.

Recognizing that jealousy per se is not a demonizing feeling but rather an "umbrella feeling" that can include many undiscussed fears is the first step in dealing with issues that highly likely have nothing to do with your partner's sexual and emotional freedom.

Another positive side of the book is the fact that instead of being filled up with nice slogans is highly practical. Try reading some philosophical paragraph about the nature of free love when your partner is feeling betrayed or disappointed because of a misunderstanding. Nope, better a few communication tips, a whole lot of empathy and reassurance :)

[Manel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Como aspecto positivo, es muy práctico. Mi consejo es tomarlo despacio porque re-visualizar/re-experimentar escenas de celos constantemente con cada ejercicio puede ser abrumador o contraproducente. También diría que este libro no está orientado para relaciones a distancia o relaciones que aún se están asentando.

[Alexandra Chauran · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Jealousy Workbook is a textbook style book, with few typos and a slick interior design with easy-to-read type. It has many pages that could be photocopied by counselors for use by clients during sessions. All exercises can be done by couples and additional partners or only an individual if necessary. This book is mostly designed for those who have already decided on a poly relationship model and just need a little (or a lot of) help implementing the process. This book was organized amazingly well, but I do believe that terms should have been defined as soon as they appeared, especially when initially Labriola uses words like "jealousy" and "envy" interchangeably.

I felt confident that Labriola was experienced and knowledgeable as a counselor and with her genuinely poly personal life. Many of the exercises could be incredibly useful, especially Chapter 11's section on modifying core beliefs. I do wish that Labriola and her publisher had made a "token monogamist" review the book before printing. The point of view of the author led to a few alienating and ridiculous statements like, "Most people find that the gains in the 'pros' column outweigh the losses in the 'cons' side, convincing them that having an open relationship will make them happier than continuing in a monogamous relationship (p15)." I could let this slide since the book seems to be aimed towards those already in open relationships, but the above statement was in a chapter on grieving the loss of a monogamous relationship, so it seems rather insensitive.

Also, chapter 1 is all about determining whether a poly relationship is right for you, which was evaluated through a number of quizzes. Unfortunately, those quizzes were rigged with questions that always result in a positive answer at least SOMETIMES by somebody with a healthy relationship. Example: "Did you want more romance and excitement in your relationship?" "Did you sometimes feel that there was some important component missing from the relationship?" "Do you enjoy the security and stability of a monogamous relationship but also long for more romance and passion?" "Have you generally succeeded in keeping agreements you have made with your partner?" "Have you generally made good choices in picking emotionally healthy partners?" Generally, this chapter comes off as manipulative and disingenuous, so I think it could do with deletion in future editions to narrow the scope to people who have already decided on the lifestyle.

One more criticism I have may be a personal ideological difference in opinion. She seems to be a great proponent of Freud, not just in Chapter 5's giant Freud love-in. I found the constant insistence to reach back into childhood for experiences to blame to be troubling. People reading this book do not need help alienating themselves from the only support system and relationships they might feel is stable during this time: family.

Overall, however, this book was filled with many other terrific exercises and thoughts. The final chapter included many other points of view from prominent authors, which allowed a differentiated experience for those who may have struggled with previous exercises. I will heartily recommend this book to clients of mine who are struggling with jealousy in their open relationships if they are already secure in their decision to become poly and with other relationships in their lives. I would also encourage counselors and other advisors to read this book if they are interested in promoting a poly-friendly practice.

[bibliophagy · Rating 2 out of 5]

sex-focused, binary, and hierarchally oriented throughout. would not recommend without strong caveats.

the book perpetuates ideas that polyamorous people date in order to have more sex and focuses on sex throughout the book as a major component of the root of jealousy.

although the author does include gay, lesbian, and bisexual relationships, i did not find this text accessible for queer, two-spirit, nonbinary, or trans folks; asexuals, aromantics, or folks who date ace and aro folks; neurodiverent people; those who struggle with jealousy within friendships and nonsexual relationships; and/or relationship anarchists or those who are not following conventional cis, het, mono norms in their relationships, communications, negotiations, consent, and agreements.

the author makes space to discuss power dynamics and cultural habituation of (race is unstated, but descriptions appear consistent with) white men and women with broad sweeping statements and does little to hold space for power imbalances of race, class, ethnicity, nationality, citizenship, culture, trauma, ability, size, religion, education, . . .

i did find some of the ideas in chapters 12, 13, 16, 17, and 19 useful.

[Catalina Vieru · Rating 4 out of 5]

I finally got the time (and mood) to work through and finish The Jealousy Workbook and must say: it's so good! All the buzz about it - I get it. I think I highlighted something helpful on each page and went through all the exercises (around 30) in it. It has a lot of great points and reflective questions to better understand and work on your envy/jealousy and also has some supportive chapters for partners (so, what to do if your partner is struggling with jealousy). It is also queer-inclusive in the examples and language.

The biggest (and it's a pretty big one) downfall of it is... it's VERY couple-centered and hierarchical. It uses terms like "secondary partners", "others" etc and most cases and examples seem focused on the struggle of NPs (like you couldn't be perfectly fine with a NP dating, but struggle a lot with another partner dating someone else).

I guess it does say on the cover 'open relationships', so if you are a couple new to polyamory or considering opening up, I think this is a great resource to have. And if not, you can focus on the solo exercises and personal growth re jealousy, like I did.

I'll leave you with one of the paragraphs I highlighted for myself:

"Because we experience jealousy as a threat to our relationship, we go into a "siege mentality" which tells us to bar the doors, get out our weapons and hunker down for a battle. The jealous attack starts from whatever area is the sufferer's greatest weakness: in some people it might be ownership or territoriality, in others it might be the desire to be all things to their beloved, in yet others it might be feeling unworthy of love."

And a pro-tip: I unwisely bought mine on kindle, but because it has so many exercises, I would recommend getting the printed version, so you can actually work on the workbook.

[Hanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

3,5*
There’s a lot of helpful exercises in this book, but I also found it hard sometimes to relate as this book is centering around hierarchical polamory or open relationships that involve a primary partner(ship). Many of the issues being dealt with are therefore centered around a person in the “primary” relationship and how she*he can deal with their jealousy (and what to “demand” from their partner). As someone who’s trying to pursue non-hierarchical polyamory (or relationship anarchy) with someone who I've been with in a monogamous relationship for 11 years, this actually triggered some jealous thoughts. I am an overthinker and so some of the questions that were brought up in the book led me to thoughts like “is that something that should be any issue?”, “is this the right way to handle it and have I been handling this wrong?” (spoiler: there is no right or wrong as long as everyone involved is genuinely cool with it), cascading myself in overthinking spirals.
That being said, the book offers strategies out of these spirals, so maybe these thoughts would have come up anyways (since they hit me on an emotional level) and I found many of the exercises that Labriola offers helpful.
One thing that is definitely helpful when pursuing this path is compassion. For everyone involved, but mostly for oneself. It’s not easy to “unlearn” monogamy, we’re confronted with it 24/7 in popculture and society. To have jealous thoughts is nothing to beat yourself up about, but can be useful in finding out about your needs. This is where this book is a great resource in helping you find out more about yourself and your needs.

[JIN · Rating 1 out of 5]

As someone’s secondary partner who’s struggling with jealousy, this book has left me feeling worse.
In this book I’m always referred to as the “outside relationship” who gets no say whatsoever in my relationship with my partner. My existence is to accommodate the primary partner’s feelings and needs. I feel neglected and objectified after reading this book.
This book does not recognize the wide spectrum of polyam relationships. The only normal poly relationship in this book is the strictly hierarchical open relationship.

[Laura Vee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stars: 4/5

Dear Kathy,

First, let me thank you for writing a book that feels like a lifeline for people navigating the stormy seas of jealousy in open relationships. This isn’t an easy topic to tackle, most people either avoid it altogether or reduce it to “jealousy is bad; don’t feel it.” You don’t do that. You dig deep, acknowledge the mess, and offer tools to help clean it up. And for that, I’m grateful.

That said, I want to be honest because, after all, isn’t that what this workbook is about?

The exercises you’ve included are both a strength and a weakness. Some of them hit hard, in the best way. The “fear inventory” exercise, where you ask readers to unpack the underlying fears beneath their jealousy, was revelatory for me. It forced me to confront things I’ve been skirting around for years: fear of abandonment, fear of being unworthy, and even (ouch) fear that my partner might be happier with someone else. That exercise alone was worth the price of the book, and I can see myself revisiting it whenever those pangs of jealousy creep up again.

But not all exercises landed the same way. For instance, the “create a jealousy pie chart” activity felt more like busywork than an actual path to understanding my emotions. It was a clever concept, but breaking my jealousy into percentages felt reductive, as though I could neatly quantify something that’s inherently messy. Still, I know others might find value in the visual aspect, so I’ll chalk this up to personal preference.

Your quotes throughout the book are also hit or miss for me. The ones you used to ground the exercises were often spot-on, like this one: “Jealousy is not a monster to be slain, but a message to be understood.” That line shifted how I approach my emotions, not just in relationships but in life. However, some of the more anecdotal quotes from clients felt a little cherry-picked to fit your narrative. I couldn’t help wondering if the voices of those who struggled or didn’t succeed with these exercises were left out. It would’ve been reassuring to see a more balanced perspective, showing that growth isn’t always linear.

Now let’s talk about the spoilers (because, yes, I have to go there): your example of “Amy,” who overcame her fear of being replaced by her partner’s new girlfriend through a blend of self-reflection and boundary-setting, was heartening…but it also felt too neat. Real relationships are rarely that tidy. I found myself wishing for follow-ups: how is Amy doing now? Did she backslide? Did her partner hold up their end of the bargain? It would’ve made the story feel more real to those of us who don’t solve our jealousy issues in a single breakthrough.

Lastly, Kathy, I want to thank you for your tone throughout the book. You never talk down to your readers, and your humor and empathy shine through on every page. There were moments when I laughed out loud (your joke about jealousy being “the spinach in the teeth of non-monogamy” was perfect) and moments when I felt genuinely seen.

So, here’s my honest takeaway: this book is an excellent resource, but it’s not a cure-all. It’s a starting point: a toolkit to help unpack and address jealousy, but one that requires a lot of trial, error, and real-life adaptation. I think you know that, and I appreciate how you encourage readers to find what works for them rather than prescribing a one-size-fits-all solution.

Would I recommend The Jealousy Workbook? Absolutely. But with a caveat: it’s not magic. It’s work. And for anyone willing to roll up their sleeves and dig in, it’s worth the effort.

Warmly,
A reader working on their “fear inventory” (and maybe skipping the pie chart next time)

[Gregory Eakins · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Jealousy Workbook contains some discussion and guided exercises for identifying and dealing with jealousy in a open relationships. It addresses a lot of questions specific to this relationship type and breaks down feelings into easier to understand chunks.

This book is fairly useful for breaking down jealousy and identifying exactly what it is you're feeling (if anything). Jealousy is not the single feeling we often associate it with, but a complex combinations of feelings, sensations, and experiences that will vary from person to person. By identifying exactly what you're feeling, you can better attack those specific feelings rather than the muddled concept of jealousy.

There were two major aspects of this book that made it weaker than it could have been The first was the assumption that the outside relationships were of lesser importance than the primary. There are many ways to approach polyamorous relationships, and focus here seems to treat the outside person as lesser. Secondly the "exercises" added little value over the short discussion sections.

[Danielle Calhoun · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book not because I’m in an open or poly amorous relationship but because I have heard it mentioned SO MANY TIMES on the interwebs by various people. I honestly found it very eye opening to inspect my feelings on monogamy and non-monogamy as well as jealousy within any relationship. Lots of tips and tools for surviving an attack of jealousy, how to determine what is triggering your jealous feelings, and how to get you on the right track to sitting with, acknowledging and hopefully letting go of some childhood/life traumas that might be impacting you. It also taught me a lot about jealousy, why we experience it, and the different ways we experience it to give me a better understanding of how others might be feeling even in similar situations. Worth a read, I think, by anyone who is curious about how anyone could exist safely and healthily in a non-monogamous relationship or even those who experience jealousy within a traditional monogamous relationship.

[kat · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really great, practical book that gave me some new ways to think about jealousy. I would recommend it to anyone who's struggling with jealousy, or wants to better support a partner who is, whether in an open relationship or not.

[Lola Rodríguez Bernal]

es útil incluso si no estás interesada en relaciones no monógamas, como es mi caso. aún así, me ha costado bastante entrar al no compartir esta perspectiva sobre relaciones o, directamente, este tipo de valores

[Megan Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was SUCH a helpful read. As someone contemplating becoming poly and opening their relationship, this book was vital to deconstructing the complex feelings and fears that I expect may arise. The exercises are helpful and offer more introspective guidance while working through big feelings.

[Ariel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good worksheets!

[Steph · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful read! The content really focused on jealousy for primary style or nesting relationships, but the exercises can be applicable to others as well

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great resource for open relationships. Amazing exercises. Very helpful.

[Sophie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Finally finished, phwoof. A validating read, although some suggestions are a bit too hierarchical, and small grammatical errors always catch my eye. This book has been helpful for me at times.

[Claire Abs]

to-read

[Math Erao · Rating 3 out of 5]

pretty cishetero-centric and some questionable aspects but a decent guide on working through jealousy and non-monogamy.

[Neil · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical and helpful this book rolls up its sleeve and takes action on identifying, exploring and guiding the reader though ways to manage the jealousy that is inevitable.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

simple, practical and good especially for its time, but a bit of a blunt tool with the CBT emphasis

[HoneyBakedAmbs · Rating 4 out of 5]

A series of exercises and questions to navigate jealousy. Some seemed a lot more applicable than others but the fact that there’s a range of techniques and ways to think about and explore the topic probably just means there is something for everyone.

[Maya Reid · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book took me all up and through my feelings. At times it was really hard to stick with going through the exercises, and there were a few that I skipped because they felt irrelevant to my situation or too New Age-y, but overall I found that this book helped me to analyze and understand the overwhelming negative emotional response I have to my partner's other relationship at times, and help me think of ways to lessen its overwhelmingness. I think it was a very constructive journey, albeit a painful one at times, especially as I was going through a jealousy crisis when I worked through the workbook.

[María · Rating 4 out of 5]

The method is exactly what you expect: a workbook. It is a great tool to discover your inner thoughts and dive into your own experiences related to jealousy. It does not give you a solution for feeling what you are feeling but rather to cope, understand and accept these natural feelings. I recommend it for whoever is interested in the topic of jealousy and whoever wants to learn more about their emotional being. Good!

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best work books on managing jealousy I have read so far. The exercises are fun and worth doing with a partner or two. The book may be aimed towards open relationships but the advice is applicable to monogamous relationships too. This is a fun read and highly recommend.

[Paula Kirman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have several friends who are into poly relationships, and I would definitely recommend this workbook to them if jealousy is an issue - or even before jealousy becomes an issue.

[James Fleckenstein · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful workbook by an experienced counselor.