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305 pages, ebook
First published January 27, 2015
“This was our grief and pain at our deepest. This was our hearts and souls scraped raw. This was desperation so intense I felt it in my bones, in the broken places of my soul. And that my children shared this grief made it so much worse.”
“The cold hard truth was that I wasn’t enough. I had never been enough. My marriage was a partnership built on mutual love and shared responsibility… Now I felt drowned in memories of him. His ghost haunted me from every room, and lingered over each piece of furniture."
“How could I get through to my little girl who had lost her hero?"
“It didn’t seem fair that I kept living while Grady didn’t. It didn’t seem possible. I kept waiting for Grady to come back. I kept waiting for him to walk in the door and wrap me in his arms and promise me that everything would be alright now. I couldn’t let him go… I loved him too much.”
“Don’t ever be sorry… You can cry on me anytime you need to.”
“Why are you so nice to me? You barely know me.”
A soft smile played on his lips, “But I like what I know so far. And I’m excited for what else there is to find out.”
“Before I could greet him, he stepped through the open door and crushed me in a hug... I always expected him to treat me as though I were fragile… but he never did. He pushed me beyond being delicate, into a place I had never thought I would go again. He made me strong. He demanded that I be anything but weak and broken.”
“I can’t take anymore heartbreak,” I confessed on a broken whisper.
“Then it’s a good thing I’m not going to break your heart."
“That’s all I’m asking. Live in this moment with me and we’ll get to the next moment together."
“Not every story has a happy ending. Some only hold a happy beginning.”
“The cold hard truth was that I wasn’t enough. I had never been enough. My marriage was a partnership built on mutual love and shared responsibility. The house had run as smoothly as the chaos of four little ones would allow, but we ran it together.”
It starts out strong and understandably the emotions are high, but by Chapter eight I realised being in Elizabeth's head was giving me a migraine.... aaaand that's a hard DNF. Sorry.
But can there still be life in death?
Ben wanted a fairytale and I had been living in a nightmare.
Our love happened as the miles passed and we felt a little less lost. It happened as the road became clearer and less lonely. He came in like a sigh, a soft breath of hope.
Please forgive me ...
“You are the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me, Lizzy.”
“It’s okay to be sad, Mommy,” Lucy promised on a know-it-all whisper. “But don’t be sad all day. He only went on vacation. He wouldn’t leave us forever. He loves us too much.”
“You look hungry,” a deep masculine voice announced from above me.
I whipped my head around to find an incredibly tall man standing by my discarded pajama pants holding two beach towels and a box of Pop-Tarts in one arm, while he munched casually on said Pop-Tarts with the other.
“I look hungry?” I screeched in hysterical anger.
His eyes flickered down at me for just a second, “No, you look mad.” He pointed at Abby, who had come to a stop next to me, treading water again with her short child-sized limbs waving wildly in the water.
“She looks hungry.” With a mouth full of food he grinned at me, and looked back at Abby. “Want a Pop-Tart? They’re brown sugar.”
Ben had been my savior.
Ben had been breath back in my lungs. Beats back in my heart. Blood back in my veins.
Ben had been found instead of lost. Home instead of wandering. Life instead of death.
“What did I miss?”
“They met Ben,” I sniffed.
“Oh, so you saw how in love with her he is and how hard she’s trying to deny her feelings for him.”
“Emma! None of that is true!”
“Emma!” my mom gasped.
“What? Did you meet him? He’s so obvious!”
“He isn’t in love with me. Stop.”
Emma rolled her big eyes. “He’s one of my closest friends, Liz. I think I would know.”
“No, he’s one of my closest friends, I think I would know.”
Emma snorted. “Don’t tell him that. I doubt he’d appreciate the fact that he’s been friend-zoned.”
“I’m going to be gentle with you, Liz. We’re going to treat this delicately. I’m going to let this happen slowly, let us fall slowly. But I am not asking too much of you.”
“This will never work!” I snapped at him. “We’re doomed from the start. I’m in love with another man, Ben! A man you will never be able to compete with because he’s dead!”
Ben’s hands reached up to cup my face. His thumbs rubbed over my cheeks, wiping away tears I hadn’t realized I’d started to shed. “I don’t want to compete with Grady,” he murmured. “And I don’t ever expect you to stop loving him. But whether you want to admit it or not, we’ve started something great. You don’t have to prove to me that you have room for two men in your heart. You’ve already made room. I think it’s time you realized that so we can move forward.”
This is my story. I’d already met my soul mate, fallen in love with him and lived our happily ever after. This story is not about me falling in love. This story is about me learning to live again after love left my life.
“We don’t have to limit how many people we love. Our hearts make room for as many people as we want to let in.”
"Everything was just harder now. It didn’t matter what. Putting mascara on felt a thousand times more difficult than it ever had, or getting dressed, or hell, even getting up. I just couldn’t manage the way I used to."I felt Liz's loss to my bones, and having four children grieving their father certainly didn't help my emotions.
"It’s not fair... it’s not fair that other people have dads and I don’t."
"Let's see how far left there is to fall."- Ben gently convincing Liz to give him a chance
"We’re just talking. You’re just being you and I’m just being me and we’re just going to have a conversation that will make us both smile. It’s going to be the best part of my day, just like all of our other ones."- Ben getting Liz to relax
"That’s how your mom feels. She loves your dad very, very much. But she also loves me. And even though your dad is gone now, she will never stop loving him. She just also loves me now. We don’t have to limit how many people we love. Our hearts make room for as many people as we want to let in." - Ben trying to explain having two loves to her kids
"Yes, Grady was your great love, but you are mine. And if you would let me, I would be yours too. There isn’t a limit on how much we can love, Liz. You had Grady. Now have me." - Ben still trying to convince her
"He mattered to me in a way I couldn’t ignore anymore."This was said around 60% but there are still several instances where she does try to ignore it and when she can't, she pushes him away. There were times when it felt normal and genuine, but others felt a little forced to me (especially after they had been together so long--I think the book spans about a year and a half?) Again, I don't want to put a timeframe on grief and say what's "normal"--there is none, but that one tiny aspect kept this from being a favorite-5-star read for me.
"Did Daddy send Ben to take care of us?"
My heart took on a frantic rhythm, pounding so loud I could barely hear my own voice when I answered, "Yes."
"I would never forget Grady. He was my true love. But maybe some people were allowed to have two. Maybe my love story didn’t end with one man, but continued throughout the course of my life. Maybe Grady had been able to love the woman that I was, but Ben would get to love the woman I had yet to become."
"Grady, you are the love of my life. That will never change. Except that because of Ben, my life doesn’t have to end. Maybe he’s the love of my second chance."This is a heavy book, it may give you butterflies when Ben is around, but the pain far outweighs the good times. I enjoyed it, but you definitely have to be in the right frame of mind, and if you're a person who enjoys the one-and-only soulmate I don't know if this would be for you. It's hard to say that because it was really good and I'd like to recommend it to everyone, but I don't want to make it seem like something it isn't. If you're one of those people, maybe just keep this on the back burner if you ever change your mind :) But if you're one who's looking for a grief-heavy and complex love story, look no further!
↠ Pacing
This book is too short. Hence, I felt like the characters were moving forward too fast even though in reality their relationship was obviously not an insta love. They start off as friends, and they don’t even go on a date until a little more than halfway through the book. I guess it’s just the author’s storytelling that made it feel (to me) like the plot unraveled too quickly. Not to mention, it ended rather abruptly.
↠ Relationship/Heat Level
This book is more about emotional connection than physical attraction. It takes the characters a long time to be intimate with one another. Even then, the book doesn’t have descriptive sex scenes. It’s more like an implied one where the characters take off all their clothes before the screen goes black. I’m not exactly complaining about this although I did expect the book to have more heat than this.
↠ Characters
The hero is incredibly perfect. He’s very patient and understanding. The heroine, on the other hand, is a bit inconsistent and annoying. I wanted to give her some slack considering what she’s been through, but damn she ticked me off. I also wish that this book had more sweet moments of our hero and the kids. I love reading that kind of domestic scenes, and this book only has a little to none of those.
When Grady held my hand, it was the feeling that had been with me for a decade. It was love that had grown from a seedling into a mature, unbreakable bond.
With Ben, we had started at the beginning with something fragile and small, but what we had was never like what Grady and I had. Our feelings for each other didn't start as a seed, they started as an ocean. I felt as though we were separated by miles of rocky, turbulent water that could drown both of us or neither of us with the wrong step. And as we'd spent time together, as we'd opened up and shared in each other's lives, that ocean had shrunk. The waters between us had grown smaller and less frightening. The distance between had all but disappeared.
"Not every story has a happy ending. Some only hold a happy beginning. This is my story. I’d already met my soul mate, fallen in love with him and lived our happily ever after. This story is not about me falling in love. This story is about me learning to live again after love left my life."
“Why are you so nice to me? You barely know me.” A soft smile played on his lips, “But I like what I know so far. And I am excited for what else there is to find out.”
"Yes, Grady was your great love, but you are mine. And if you would let me, I would be yours too. There isn’t a limit on how much we can love, Liz. You had Grady. Now have me.”
"Sometimes love didn’t make sense. And that was okay. It was far better to know love and accept love than try to understand it."
I could hear the kids cry out for me from the back, but my grief had consumed me by now. I was useless. I was an empty shell. I was pathetic and helpless and so utterly lost I didn’t even know where to go.
…
It felt unfair of them to expect so much of me. Didn’t they know how much I hurt? Didn’t they know that it took everything I had to get up in the morning and face the day?
This pain inside me drowned me; it tore at me every second of every day until I thought I would shatter into a million worthless pieces just from the sheer pressure of it.
I couldn’t do this.
I couldn’t.
And I didn’t know what to do about that because there was no one else to shoulder this impossible burden with me.
I was alone. And I had never been this alone before.
I just didn’t know what to do.
I couldn’t let him go.
I didn’t want to let him go.
Letting him go meant acknowledging that he would never come back. And I just couldn’t. I needed him too much.
I loved him too much.
“Why are you so nice to me? You barely know me.”
A soft smile played on his lips, “But I like what I know so far. And I am excited for what else there is to find out.”
His hands cupped my shoulders and held me still so that he could look into my frightened eyes. “Liz, you didn’t make things awkward between us. This isn’t the right time, I get that. Don’t feel bad. I’m not in a hurry. It’s alright. I can wait.”
“I’m going to be gentle with you, Liz. We’re going to treat this delicately. I’m going to let this happen slowly, let us fall slowly. But I am not asking too much of you.”
“I can’t take anymore heartbreak,” I confessed on a broken whisper.
“Then it’s a good thing I’m not going to break your heart.”
“She’s my mom and she’s never seen me this happy before. Of course, she thinks I love you.”
I braved a look at him. “And do you?”
“If I deny it, will you be able to get through dinner?”
I nodded, ignoring the thin veil of his words over the truth I didn’t want to accept. “Then I don’t love you. You’re the most aggravating woman I’ve ever met. I can barely tolerate you.”
“And my kids?”
“Oh, no,” he chuckled. “I definitely love them.”
“You do?” An aching affection flooded my body, filling in all of the cracks that fear and uncertainty had left me with. An emotional heat bubbled in my chest and wrapped my stiff limbs with something like hope.
“Yes, I do. But they agree with me about you. You aggravate us all.”
“Grady has been the only life I know. But can there still be life in death? If I chain myself to my dead husband, will I ever truly live again?”
“Elizabeth, any time I can save your life by ordering pizza, please let me know. It’s a sacrifice I am more than willing to make… You have people that care about you, that want to help. Let us.”
“I didn’t want it to get better. I didn’t want to stop missing Grady. I didn’t want this pain to recede because that would mean I would be over this.”
“I’m going to be gentle with you, Liz. We’re going to treat this delicately. I’m going to let this happen slowly, let us fall slowly. But I am not asking too much of you… I don’t want to compete with Grady… And I don’t ever expect you to stop loving him. But whether you want to admit it or not, we’ve started something great. You don’t have to prove to me that you have room for two men in your heart. You’ve already made room. I think it’s time you realized that so we can move forward.”
“Our love happened as the miles passed and we felt a little less lost. It happened as the road became clearer and less lonely. He came in like a sigh, a soft breath of hope. He happened to me through tears and grief.”
“… there is so much left of your life to live. I want to live it with you. I want to be a part of everything that remains for you, good and bad. I want to be there for your kids, for your stressful days, for your amazing days, for all of your nights and for every moment in between... Grady was your great love, but you are mine. And if you would let me, I would be yours too. There isn’t a limitt on how much we can love, Liz. You had Grady. Now you have me.”
“It’s hard to imagine settling for anybody else. I think whoever they are will always feel like second best. Or second string or whatever.”
“This story is about me learning to live again after love left my life.”
“Liz, he died. And you're still alive. And there is so much of your life left to live.”
Ben had been my saviour. Ben had been breath back in my lungs. Beats back in my heart. Blood back in my veins.
“Emma, I have had four children! Four of them! Do you understand the state of my vagina? What kind of man goes out on a date with a woman that has four children?”