Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

by Mallory Ortberg

Hilariously imagined text conversations—the passive aggressive, the clever, and the strange—from classic and modern literary figures, from Scarlett O’Hara to Jessica Wakefield.

Mallory Ortberg, the co-creator of the cult-favorite website The Toast, presents this whimsical collection of hysterical text conversations from your favorite literary characters. Everyone knows that if Scarlett O’Hara had an unlimited text-and-data plan, she’d constantly try to tempt Ashley away from Melanie with suggestive messages. If Mr. Rochester could text Jane Eyre, his ardent missives would obviously be in all-caps. And Daisy Buchanan would not only text while driving, she’d text you to pick her up after she totaled her car. Based on the popular web-feature, Texts from Jane Eyre is a witty, irreverent mashup that brings the characters from your favorite books into the twenty-first century.

Genres: Humor, Fiction, Books About Books, Classics, Short Stories, Comedy, Adult

226 pages, Hardcover

First published November 4, 2014

Reviews

[Roxane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fuck you this is hilarious.

[karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

this is the time of year i float reviews of fun books that would make nice presents. not for me, i already have them. i’m just being a kindly readers’ advisory holiday angel.

so, it's probably more like a 3.5, but i'm in a good mood.

two words of warning - 1) if you have the ARC of this, like i do, know that the formatting is frequently all kinds of jacked up, with missing words, text-bubbles on the wrong side of the conversation, attributed to the wrong character and etc etc. but you're a smart kid, you'll figure it out.

2) some of these are better than others. duh, right? but the byron one? i don't even understand what that one is all about. okay, i understand it, but i just think it's a little soft, and that's not just my byromania talking. okay, it kind of is, but it is just a little sad for me to see byron reduced to some emo kid, which is NOT how i see byron in my heart:

uuuuuuugghhhh my life
what is it?
what’s wrong?
uuuuuuuugh
is there something specific that’s the matter?
or anything I can do to help?
uuuugh
my liiiiife
do you want me to come over?
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughghghghhhhh

and yet, despite it basically being the same joke, and despite my love for Hamlet being about as strong as my love for byron, it is WONDERFUL to see the continuing teen-trums of hamlet running throughout this book.

the good thing about this is that you don't have to have read the source material to get the jokes; i haven't read Atlas Shrugged or any of the harry potter books, but again - we're smart kids - we can figure out what is being gently mocked.

for example, i have also never read an american girl book in my life, but this made me laugh pretty hard:

Harriet -

Addy.

Mother wanted me to ask you
if you'd like to go to the fair tomorrow with us

Did she now

since we'll be working at the same booth together
all afternoon
Father's offered to give us a ride in his wagon

oh, his milk wagon?

yes
his milk wagon
He only has the one wagon
you know that

Like father like daughter I suppose 
he only has one wagon 
and you only have one dress

You can just say no, Harriet
if you don't want to come with us
you can just say no

Addy 
do you even know how many dresses I have 

I'm sorry if I insulted you
you don't have to come

Addy 
I have seven dresses
I have a dress for every day of the week 
I have a dress for Monday 

look I'll see you tomorrow

I have a dress for Tuesday 
on Wednesday I have a different dress 

and on Thursday you have a fourth
I get it

do you though 

I think I grasp the prinsiple of the thing

oh my God 
Addy Walker

how DO you spell principle, Harriet?
is it with an S?
or a C?

you are going to be so sorry that you ever - 

Maybe we should ask a spelling expert
Maybe we should ask someone who won

that you EVER -

a spelling
medal
for spelling the word principle correctly
I only have the one dress so you can see the medal every day

and yet, sometimes it's the attention to detail in books i am all-too-familiar with that make the joke even funnier. like this baby-sitter's club giggler:

Hey Claudia
I know math is really tough for you
but even you should know
that two dollars an hour
for six hours
means we’re at least twelve dollars short
of what should be in the treasury

i know how much twelve is, Kristy
and i didn't take your stupid money

look
all I'm saying
is that someone that good at hiding candy in her room
probably has a few great places to hide twelve dollars
like maybe in an incredibly ugly macrame wallet with velvet appliqués

yeah well
at least my dad still lives at home
unlike some people’s dads
unlike your dad 
Kristy

however, my favorite FAVORITE section was probably the one for The Outsiders, even though it's basically just repeating the same joke over and over. i don't care, though, because it is spot-fucking-on. warning - may contain spoilers for a 47-year-old children's book.

1

hey how do you pronounce “Soc”

What?

i mean is it like “sock”
because it looks like that’s how you’d say it
but in my head I think of it as being pronounced “soash”

huh

like rhymes with cloche

I guess that makes sense

why do I even know what a cloche is
what kind of a gang is this

what do you mean

i mean i feel like we’re different from other gangs 

different how

i don’t know i guess

we’re just a bunch of regular beautiful guys who like to read poetry and get in knife fights

yeah

yessir
nothing like putting your hair in place
stabbing a rich guy
then talking about Robert Frost in an attic with another guy
if that’s different, then i guess i’m different

no you’re right

2

man you know who i hate

who

guys with green eyes 
or i guess
MOST guys with green eyes
would you say my eyes are greenish-gray, or grayish-green 

i don’t know

your eyes are icy blue, so they’re always icy blue 
but sometimes my eyes are more greenish-gray than grayish-green 
which i think is better

huh

hey do you want to come over and watch the sunset

yeah okay
i guess so

okay great
i mean it’s the same sunset as the one at your house
so don’t expect anything big

i won’t

i really think they’re more grayish-green right now than anything else

yeah maybe

not green like Darry’s anyhow
they’re green like ice, but bluer than that
I really need to update my eye color journal

your what?

see you soon for the sunset!!!

3

so what did you think 


what did i think of what


what did you think of all the drawings of Dally i sent you 


oh yeah


do you think he’ll like them?
do you think they’re any good


there sure are 
a lot of them


do you think i made his eyes look enough like blue ice

that was really what i was going for

because his eyes look like blazing blue ice


i definitely think you did


oh good

i was kind of worried
 that they didn’t look enough like blue ice that’s blazing


no, they’re–
you did a really good job

they’re really nice


well i wanted to do something special for his birthday

and it was either this or a switchblade

and i figured everyone else was already getting him a switchblade


right


what’s a guy gonna do with six switchblades, you know?


yeah


such a thing as too many switchblades

anyhow i’m glad you think they’re good


yeah


you want one?


oh 
i think i’m okay


i can draw you one real fast

it won’t take two minutes


no i’m okay


i’ll draw you one just in case

his eyes look like blue ice

blue ice!

4

you awake? 


yeah


what’s wrong?


i had that dream again


oh


that dream where i got the haircut

that was the worst day of my life, the day Johnny cut my hair

remember?


yeah i remember


if a guy doesn’t have his silky reddish-blonde hair that’s just a little redder than Soda’s and swirls just right

well what kind of a guy is he?


i don’t know


plus it was real sad when Johnny died, too


yeah


died before his hair could even grow back

i remember

his hair looked terrible when he died
i was embarrassed to even go to the funeral

yeah me too


all of the above are available online: http://the-toast.net/category/textsfrom/
so i didn't feel bad reproducing them here, because there are still bazillions that are book-only and some that are site-only, so it all works out in the end.

to save review-space, i am going to link to a couple of others i giggled at parts of, but not with as much as force as i did for The Outsiders.

emily dickinson

little women

william blake

and because i am a maniac, and this one isn't available online (that i could find), i am going to wear my typing fingers to the bone just so you can enjoy the Wuthering Heights texts i liked so much, and which reads like the most melodramatic pseudo-sexting ever. super hot.

WARNING - MASSIVE, MASSIVE SPOILERS for a 167-year-old book

god i love you cathy

i love you too
i love you so much
god
it hurts how much i love you

i love you so much
let's break each other's hearts

oh my god let's
i love you so much i'm going to marry edgar

i love you so much i'm going to run away

i love you so much i'm going to make myself sick

good
good that's so much love

i love you so much i'm going to get sick again
just out of spite
i'll forget how to breathe

i'll be your slave

i'll pinch your heart and hand it back to you dead

i'll lie down with my soul already in its grave

i'll damn myself with your tears

i love you so much i'll come back and marry your sister-in-law

god yes

and i'll bankroll your brother's alcoholism

i always hoped you would

uuuuuuugh

i love you SO MUCH
i'm going to write your name all over my books and then
i'm going to have someone else's baby and then DIE

yes
cathy yes that's perfect
i'm going to kidnap your daughter someday
and i won't let your nephew learn to read
because of how much i love you
and scream at your grave
and i'll rent your room out
to some guy from London

oh my god thank you
thank you so much
i'm going to love you so much
i become a ghost

i'm so glad to hear that
i was hoping you'd say that

but i'm never going to haunt you
just that guy who's visiting from london

that sounds perfect
i'm so excited to hear him tell me about what your ghost looks like

oh my god
what are you going to scream at my grave

oh man
what aren't i going to scream at your grave
i'll scream everything
i'll scream your soul

good good

i'll scream about what a bitch you were

i am so excited
i am going to just
ruin heaven with my screaming back at you

that is so sweet of you to do that

i'll just murder everyone's heart

i hope your ghost drives me crazy :)

i love you like how rocks love forests

i totally know what you mean

i love you like i love the inside of my own brain

oh my god that's so much love

i knooooow
do you want to make out right now

god no
i want to wait until you're dead
and then rip up the earth over your grave
and crawl inside

:)



so, yeah, at the end of the day it's just a silly little humor book, but for people like us who are booky, it's one of the good ones.

i will leave you with this:

i have eaten the little red wheelbarrow
that was in the icebox
and upon which so much depended
forgive me
i don’t even know why i did that
i guess i thought it was one of those little ice cream cakes
you know the kind that they shape to look like cars or whatever
that shit was disgusting
hey do we have any ice cream cakes though
-wcw

come to my blog!

[Heidi The Reader · Rating 2 out of 5]

Though the premise was clever, Texts from Jane Eyre reads a lot like text message conversations in real life- shallow and repetitive after the first few lines. Also, there wasn't a synopsis included in these pages, so if you hadn't read a classic or, if you'd read it so long ago that you'd forgotten most of it, you were out of luck.

The best of the lot was the Samuel Taylor Coleridge chapter that starts on pg 43 in which he's on a ramble about the golden palace of Kubla Khan and then a delivery guy comes to the door and ruins his flow.

The worst was the Harry Potter chapter in which Ron and Hermione have a 'conversation' but Ron is written as a complete moron and she is confounded by his idiocy. Very mediocre and unworthy of either of those characters.

If you feel the need to read this one, check it out from the library. A related read if you enjoyed it: When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

READ MALLORY ORTBERG'S BOOK
who
MALLORY ORTBERG
yeah who is that
MALLORY ORTBERG PERFECT AMAZON TRAIN GODDESS
that doesnt answer my question
perfect amazon train goddess is not actually a thing
IT IS A THING
no
IT IS A THING BECAUSE I SAY IT IS A THING
IT IS A THING BECAUSE IT IS A THING
your logic is unsound
YOUR FACE IS UNSOUND
...
I'M SORRY I'M JUST EXCITED
YOUR FACE IS SOUND
A VERY SOUND FACE
THE SOUNDEST FACE I KNOW
you still havent told me who she is
SHE IS MALLORY ORTBERG
jesus fuck okay lets try something else
whats the book about
PERFECTION
thats not...
THE MODERN AGE
LOVE
LOSS
THE BREADTH OF HUMAN EXISTENCE
wow mallory ortberg covered a lot
YES SHE DID
whats it actually about
I JUST TOLD YOU
more specifically
LITERARY CHARACTERS TEXTING EACH OTHER
that wasnt so hard was it
STOP TRYING TO PUT LABELS ON EVERYTHING
I DON'T NEED THAT IN MY LIFE
YOU'RE TYING ME DOWN
omg is she a cult leader???????
GOODBYE

[Tiff · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm calling it now: This book is your go-to Christmas or birthday present for anyone bookish. It's the kind of book that I would probably never buy for myself - but I would definitely grab it for a literature-obsessed friend....and I would be delighted if someone got it for me.

The concept is simple - what if your favourite literary characters had cell phones and were able to text each other? What would they say? Would they use emoji? (Answer: YES).

As you can probably tell, this book is chock full of inside jokes. Most of the books that Ortberg turns into text form are classics - you'll see everything from Odysseus to Pride & Prejudice to The Great Gatsby here. But there are also a few newer adult and YA books, like The Hunger Games, where Ortberg has spun into a hilarious story of Peeta and his obsession with baking (note: the illustrations in this book are great and I'm pretty sure that the final version will be much prettier than my ARC!)



This is just a small sample of the HG section - it's SO good. 

Ortberg has clearly read a lot more classics than I have, so there were definitely some "chapters" that I skimmed through simply because I didn't know the book. But for the books, authors and poets that I have read and loved, she pretty much hits the nail on the head and had me rolling on the floor. I definitely snorted out loud a few times, because of COURSE Catherine and Heathcliff would be texting overwhelmingly scary "I love yous" to each other. 

 Of COURSE John Keats would be obsessing over the prettiness of an urn. =P

And of course, Frank Churchill would be texting Emma about how much he doesn't like reserved people.

There are a ton more books that have been "textified" - some of which are REALLY fun (Babysitters Club, anyone?).



The Final Word:

The best way to experience Texts From Jane Eyre is to read it a text conversation at a time - it's not one where you'll sit on your couch and read straight through (well, you might. I did!) - instead, it's the kind of book you'll leave on your coffee table and leaf through when you need a quick laugh, and pull out for your other literary-minded friends at a party so that you can giggle out loud together.

Review originally posted at Mostly YA Lit

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm laughing so hard right now. Ortberg has managed to capture the essence of dozens, DOZENS of works of literature and authors in a few choice texts. Everything from Jane Eyre to Fight Club can be found here. The Babysitters' Club. Medea. William Blake texting his wife is freaking hysterical. "I already have so many watercolors of flayings." Absolutely hilarious, and a must-read for anyone who considers themselves well-read!

Reread 2020: Needed a laugh, stole my sister's copy. Laughs provided. I completely forgot about the Lorax hiding in a girl's purse to warn her about tampons not being eco-friendly!

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you’re ever having a bad day, you could do worse than self-medicating with maybe a hot bath or some hot cocoa or ice cream or soft pajamas or episodes of Gilmore Girls, but maybe also think about adding Texts From Jane Eyre in there as well. There were parts of this book that made me laugh until tears squeezed out of my eyeholes.

There were also other parts, mostly to do with classics and mythology, that made me glad I have my friendly Google machine at my disposal. (I’m still not quite sure I understand the Dido joke.)

For those of you who somehow don’t know of her, Mallory Ortberg is the editor of The Toast, and her “Texts From” series is what inspired this book. There are some classic ones from the website in the book, but there is also quite a bit of new material as well, so it’s definitely worth checking out. I also think it’s worth owning a copy just so you can have all this wonderfulness collected together in one place, which is especially handy for aforementioned self-medicating.

Probably my favorite part about this book, aside from the mangled but affectionate way Ortberg translates these characters into text form, is how delightfully eclectic the assortment of characters and stories she’s put together are. We’ve got texts from Dido and Medea and Hamlet and John Keats and Sherlock Holmes right alongside texts from Ron and Hermione, the Babysitters Club and the Hunger Games. Some of the characters get recurring chapters because they just have so much to say (of course Hamlet is one of these, as is a surprisingly hilarious Daisy Miller, which in hindsight I shouldn’t be surprised about because Henry James is THE WORST and of course Ortberg would have a field day with him).

I suppose this book wouldn’t play as well for people who aren’t at least marginally well-read, especially the more esoteric references (the one about John Keats being obsessed with the urn OH MY GOD). But even the ones I didn’t know very well, like Medea for example, were still hilarious because Ortberg makes jokes that are funny even if you don’t necessarily get what she’s referencing.

And now I will close this review by quoting an obscene amount of chapters. Hopefully this still constitutes Fair Use.

Sherlock Holmes:

there’s only one thing we’re missing
only one thing we need that will help us solve this case

we need to question Lady Emily again

no, Watson

oh
it’s not
. . .

COCAINE, WATSON

ah

we’re going to need loads of cocaine
SCADS of it

—

JOHN
JOHN
DID YOU KNOW
THEY MAKE COCAINE
THAT YOU CAN SMOKE

good god Sherlock where have you been

you can just smoke it
it’s incredible

tell me where you are and I’ll come get you

they call it crack and it’s marvelous

just tell me where you are and I’ll come get you

I’M NEVER LEAVING
do you have any idea how much cocaine they have here

I imagine quite a lot

QUITE A LOT
you can bring me my violin if you want
and my hat

do you want anything else?

no
just the violin and my hat and a big old mess of cocaine
that’s all I need

what about the mystery

hang all mysteries
the only mystery I want to solve
is how much cocaine I can fit in my face
they mystery of how much face cocaine I can have
that’s the mystery for me

Lord Byron:

I wrote a poem today
do you want to hear it

okay

Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.
This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery
if inscribed over human Ashes,
is but a just tributeto the memory of
BOATSWAIN, a DOG,
who was born in Newfoundland May 1803
and died at Newstead Nov. 18, 1808.
hey totally unrelated
do you remember how many children i have?
i’m trying to do a tax thing right now
and i have nooooo idea haha
like
it’s for sure SOME

no sorry

fuck
i gotta write some letters
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhh

Jane Eyre:

JANE
MY LITTLE SUNBEAM
WHERE ARE YOU
I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE

I’m taking a walk
be back for dinner

AH YES MY CAGED SPRITE
COMMUNE WITH NATURE AND UPON YOUR RETURN
RELATE TO ME THE VAGRANT GLORIES OF THE RUINED WOODS

do you really want me to describe my walk to you

MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU POCKET WITCH

it is fairly cloudy out
looks like rain soon

AHHH TO THINK THAT MY LITTLE STARLING JANE
SHOULD RETURN
TO PERCH ON MY BROKEN MALFORMED SHOULDER
SINGING A SONG OF THE GREY AND WRACKING SKIES
MAKES MY HEART SWELL TO BURST

all right

—

JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE
I AM BEREFT AND WITHOUT MY JANE I SHALL SINK INTO ROGUERY

i am with my cousins

WHICH COUSIN
IS IT THE SEXY ONE

Please don’t try to talk to me again

IT IS YOUR SEXY COUSIN
“ST. JOHN”
WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS ST. JOHN

I’m not going to answer that

I KNEW IT
DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

yes
absolutely

BECAUSE MY HOUSE IN FRANCE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN ATTIC
IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT
IT HAS A CELLAR THOUGH SO YOU KNOW
DON’T CROSS ME
HAHA I’M ONLY JOKING

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

If anything it only serves to remind me how much of the classics I've yet to read. And while I can delight in those that I have, feeling smug in my recognition of phrases from J. Alfred Prufrock (the yellow smoke!) and my beloved Jane Eyre - I'm left adrift with Dickens, Cormac McCarthy and Henry James. And yes, The Hunger Grains would be the perfect name for Peeta's bakery.

So while a lot of the time it feels like i'm laughing along just based on context cues (Marius just seems like he's the worst) I'm too often lost and feeling shame over my clearly squandered English degree which was supposed to prepare me for books like this! Point removed for making me face my own literary inadequacies - I should totally know what the hell Coleridge is going on about!

[Sara the Librarian · Rating 2 out of 5]

This...wasn't that funny. I admit I giggled a bit when Emily Dickinson madly texts her sister(?) from the yard yelling that everyone is snakes and its kind of stupid funny when Hamlet texts his mother about not putting "crunchy stuff" in his tuna fish sandwich but its also kinda pointless.

I'm just not really sure what the take home is here. While funny for the first ten or so pages eventually all these "characters" sound like the same pretentious hipster you're stuck talking to at a college party who's "so over" all those modern authors and wants to talk about, you know, real literature, cause that's like, totally about reality man. Like those guys knew how to write about, like, life. And stuff. Hey you wanna check out my Vegan friendly loafers man?

I can't even tell if Ortberg has read half of what she's making fun of because she certainly doesn't seem to actually understand Hamlet or Medea or even the frickin' Babysitters Club which is in here for some reason. None of its especially funny its just one character snarking at another one for a couple of pages and then its on to the next book or movie or whatever. Absolutely everyone sounds exactly the same there isn't even an attempt to define differences in individual characters and I get that that's probably kind of the point because its texting but again not very funny or engaging for 100+ pages.

Yes ha ha ha Hamlet's really whiny and Ron Weasley doesn't know what credit cards are because he's a wizard, hardy har har. The only thing Ortberg really manages here is to make me relieved I don't have to talk about literature with her. This isn't funny or terribly original. Frankly its mean and pretentious as hell.

[Diane Barnes · Rating 2 out of 5]

These are funny, until they're not. Probably should be read sporadically, one or two at a time. Gets boring very quickly.

[Moonkiszt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Within the first few minutes I busted out laughing, and I've gotta say that it continued that way to the very end. Reimagined texts from literary characters to their co-characters were dazzling, and hilarious!!!!! If you are moderately widely read, you'll get them all. Even if you aren't they'd be amusing, but having read the book from whence the characters spring will boost your laughter higher - and seriously some of it is so funny!

4 stars. Funny enough for 5, but it's under a 2 hour listen. Do yourself a favor - find the audio copy and enjoy yourself - laughter is great medicine any day of the week, but this particular Wednesday I found some driving tasks that could help me get this one done in one (day).

[Ron Charles · Rating 4 out of 5]

If your kids are ignoring your messages, you can take some comfort in Mallory Ortberg’s LOL parody, “Texts from Jane Eyre” (Henry Holt, $23). In these pages, Ortberg offers us cellphone conversations with Plato, Harry Potter, Emily Dickinson and others. Each dialogue is catnip for English majors, and many of them are FOTFL. Imagine receiving a prank text from Ahab, or trying to get Nancy Drew’s attention when she’s on a case.

In the spirit of these witty dialogues, I interviewed Ortberg about her new book — by text, of course.

To read our texts "interview," go to The Washington Post:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/s...

[Kalena · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thought this was an interesting idea and there were a couple I thought were quite humorous. However, the language and some of the interpretations were more crude than witty. And as Maggie Smith says, “Vulgarity is no substitute for wit.”

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Texts from Jane Eyre takes a nice poke at some of literature's greatest characters and works, re-imagining them in a world with texting. Ortberg does a lovely and loving job magnifying the flaws of great literary characters through this medium. Here are some of my favorites:

Medea:

Medea: anyhow so to SHOW YOU how soft my feelings are
I got you guys a wedding present!!!...
Glauce [Jason's new bride]: oh! you must mean the box that came on Thursday
Medea: yessssss I TOTALLY MEAN THAT
Glauce: it's a dress
Medea: It's a wedding dress
Glauce: thank you
I mean, I already have a wedding dress picked out
but this is very sweet
Medea: do you know what you should do though
you should put it on
you should put it on your skin and wear it for just a minute
(be sure to put it on your skin)
:-):-):-)

~~

Medea: I sent you guys something
Glauce: I don't think we have anything
Medea: look outside
Glauce: it's another box
Medea: THE BOX IS FROM ME
(are you surprised)
Glauce: a little bit
how did you know where we live
Medea: i mean
how does anyone know anything right
you should open the box right now
Glauce: it's a cake
Medea: for your wedding!
so just
go ahead and eat some right now
to make sure that it's normal and good
for the wedding
and tell me if you like it!!
Glauce: Medea
Medea: are you eating it
how does it taste
Glauce: Medea I'm not eating this cake
Medea: oh sorry can you not eat processed flour
i should have asked
do you have allergies
Glauce: Medea
I'm not going to try on the dress or eat this cake
Medea: why not???
Glauce: you know why
they're both full of poison
Medea: whaaaat
Glauce: the cake is black and the icing ate through the box
Medea: how would poison even get in there
Glauce: the dress caught on fire
that's how much poison was on it
Medea: well i'm going to
i'm going to have a very stern talk with that seamstress
ill get you another present to make up for it
Glauce: please don't

~~~

Rudyard Kipling

Rudyard Kipling: I'm bored
Let's shoot something
Friend: okay
What
Rudyard Kipling: i don't care
a tiger
or a Boer
Friend: what was that last one?
Rudyard Kipling: I mean a bear
Friend: oh
OK
Rudyard Kipling: haha must have been a weird typo
it's illegal to hunt men
but exhilarating
Friend: what?
Rudyard Kipling:I said it was illegal
and also
execrable
execrable was the second word I said

~~~

Les Misérables

Enjolras: where are you?
Marius: I am so there
this barricade is going to be an absolute HAPPENING you guys
don't start without me
I am on my way in like five minutes
Enjolras: Marius
I'm concerned that you don't really understand
the reason for our movement
MArius: oh my god
what do you mean
Enjolras: I sometimes question your commitment to the cause
Marius: how could you possibly even question that
Enjolras: I don't know Marius
maybe it's because you have missed every one of
our clashes with the police
because you were still studying for the bar
Marius: to bring down the system from within!
Enjolras: Marius
your father is a baron
He's an actual baron
Marius: well
only a Napoleonic baron
Enjolras: That's still a baron
Marius: well when you say it like that

~~~

The Sun Also Rises

Jake: Brett
Brett did you get that picture I sent you
Brett: I did, yeah
Jake: the picture of my penis I mean
Brett: yes
Jake: Brett
guess how much of my penis I still have left
you know
after my accident
after my penis accident
Brett: I don't really want to play this game, Jake
Jake: come on, guess
Brett: I don't have unlimited texting
these messages are kind of expensive for me
Jake: I'll give you a hint
it's definitely SOME

~~~

Sherlock Holmes

Holmes: this is quite a puzzle, Watson
Watson: damned right, Holmes
hell of a puzzle
what I want to know is how did the vicar know the archbishop's
Pekingese had developed an immunity to snake bites?
Holmes: there's only one thing we're missing
only one thing we need that will help us solve this case
Watson: we need to question Lady Emily again
Holmes: no, Watson
Watson: oh
it's not
...
Holmes: COCAINE, WATSON
Watson: ah
Holmes: we're going to need loads of cocaine
SCADS of it

~~~

As you can see no cow is sacred and there is more than a little truth in these portrayals (especially Marius, man do I loathe that guy).

I will say that, even though I am somewhat well read, there were many references that went right over my head. Overall though, this was a brisk and entertaining read. I would certainly checkout a sequel if one was written and if you are familiar with the classics you will also enjoy the heck out of this book.

[Punk · Rating 4 out of 5]

Literary Humor. What if Plato had a cell phone? Or: Finally, a use for my English degree.

I love Ortberg's sense of humor. One of the best things I've read this year was a line from his Toast piece How To Tell If You Are In A Thomas Hardy Novel : "You saw a tractor once, and hated it."

I've never read even a single Thomas Hardy novel, and that line is still hilarious to me. It's the comma, really. I imagine if I were familiar with Hardy, the joke would be even funnier. And so it is with this book. The things I recognized were hilarious. Poe and his inability to leave the house because a bird is staring at him with its "fired up eyebirds." Emily Dickinson with her m-dashes. Circe saying Odysseus's men were turn-into-pigsable. Rochester with his grandiose ALL CAPS texts to Jane asking DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE—no question mark, because internet comedy scientists have determined that questions without question marks are, on average, 300% funnier.

I especially liked Ortberg's interpretation of the Romantic poets as floppy and useless and forever babbling on about clouds. Shut it, Wordsworth. You too, Byron. The Romantics weren't my jam, but in Ortberg's hands they're hilarious. Check out his treatment of Keats:

oh my god
oh my god
do you know what I LOVE
like what I am just crazy about

      is it this urn

THIS
URN

Yeah, it's just that good. It pretty much makes up for every time I was forced to consider that goddamned urn. And if you don't know what urn I'm talking about, this book is going to have some dead spots for you. It mystified me in parts. Like, I've never seen or read Gone With the Wind and so was only able to enjoy those sections on a superficial level.

The stuff that was less familiar to me was still funny, mostly, but I was often scrambling to figure out who the characters were, who they were talking to, what they were talking about, and...well, Ortberg has great comic timing and I enjoy the way he writes, but at some point, not knowing who these people are is a considerable obstacle, but each section is short, like five pages at the most, so if you don't know what the fuck's going on, it's over quickly.

The book is broken into four parts, with the sources arranged from oldest to newest. I want to say I found the earlier sections to be better executed than the modern ones, but even as I flip back through the last section, I'm remembering that Rebecca and The Lorax were great, and William Carlos Williams would have rocked at text messages, and Fight Club totally worked for me even though everything I know about Fight Club I picked up from cultural osmosis.

In many cases, cultural osmosis is all you need to have a basic understanding of each piece, but a background in literature, poetry, philosophy, and/or The Babysitter's Club will enhance your enjoyment and really give the dick jokes in The Sun Also Rises extra depth.

Four stars. Very readable, and re-readable, with some delightful illustrations by Madeline Gobbo.

[Ashley Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

OH.MY.GAWD.

Poe, Sherlock, Les Miserables, BSC and WCW cracked me UP! I literally couldn't breathe for a minute and was sitting here making wheeze noises. It got weird looks from 1 man + 2 cats. I feel accomplished.

But I need to read more of the classics! I didn't skip any of these but there are so many where I don't know the story that I didn't quite get the jokes all the way, you know? So I shall return to this at a later date, and probably with a full oxygen tank.

[Bonnie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Texts From Jane Eyre: the re-imagined conversations between literary characters if they all carried a smartphone. Sounds hilarious, but I admittedly didn’t have much interest in this initially because I feared far too much of this would go right over my head considering I’m quite ignorant of the vast majority of “classics”. I listened to a 60 second clip of this audiobook though and I was already cracking up so I decided to give this one a shot regardless. Texts From Jane Eyre goes beyond just Jane Eyre, portraying the likes of Odysseys and Circe, Edgar Allan Poe, Peter Pan, Harry Potter, and even the broody Achilles who contemplates the possibility of going home and being a farmer.



As I mentioned, the majority of these stories did in fact go right over my head because like hell I’m attempting to read Atlas Shrugged. Or Moby Dick for that matter. I haven’t given up hope that I may actually conquer Gone with the Wind though. Despite my occasional confusion, the combined narration of Amy Landon and Zach Villa still managed to make this a vastly entertaining couple of hours (the audiobook is a mere 2h 22m long). The various different accents they implemented made this feel at times like a full cast narration. I downloaded the eBook as well in order to capture screen shots and I must say that while the passages were funny, having this read to you was an altogether different (and better) experience. A brief visit to sparknotes.com to get the gist of the classics did prove to be helpful if you wish to take the time to become quickly acquainted with the lesser known characters. As for the ones I did know that required no introduction, such as Sherlock, they were so hilariously and accurately depicted that I found myself rewinding and re-listening because I was often laughing too hard to hear the whole passage.



Face cocaine. lol Other favorites were Ron telling Hermione about the magic “credit cards” he signed up for (Harry Potter), Peeta’s frosting emergency (Hunger Games), and the hilarious harassment via texting from Mrs. Danvers (Rebecca).



Suffice it to say, I thoroughly enjoyed this one and highly recommend the audio edition (listen to a clip here!). Mallory Ortberg successfully added a modern flair and humor to literature’s most treasured characters, bringing them to life once again and reminding us what made them memorable in the first place.

[K. · Rating 4 out of 5]

The section from Wuthering Heights is simply perfect.

c: oh my god
what are you going to scream at my grave
h: oh man
what aren't i going to scream at your grave
i'll scream everything
i'll scream at your soul
c: good good
h: i'll scream about what a bitch you were
c: i am so excited
i am going to just
ruin heaven with my screaming back at you
h: that is so sweet of you to do that
c: i'll just murder everyone's heart

[Andrea · Rating 2 out of 5]

It seems almost petty to blame this book for being pretty much what you would expect. However, for having TONS of source material to work with, a lot of the "chapters" seemed to fall short or go for more juvenile jokes than could have been made. I can’t say I was familiar with all the works and authors here so I did skim a little when it wasn’t material I was familiar with. Even some of those I was familiar with seemed to fall a bit short of the level of wit and cleverness I was hoping for. A solid “meh”.

[K. · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars.

HILARIOUS.

It's exactly what it sounds like - various classic stories (ranging from Medea to Harry Potter and everything in between) retold in text messages. I laughed out loud numerous times. I think the Medea and the Jane Eyre ones were my favourites, but they were all pretty wonderful. (Although I will admit that I skim read the handful that I didn't know of)

A really quick and easy read, and a fabulous way to start my reading for 2017!

[Kaethe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ortberg is genius. Her text conversations as distillations of famous works of literature are brilliant, especially of classics which don't have a clear plot line. Not that The Hunger Games isn't mighty amusing as well. Not recommended for anyone who isn't at least passing familiar with the books being parodied, because they're just not very funny if you don't get it.

Library copy

[Susana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now this was a laugh out loud, insane as you can get, _and also educational! _ combination of hilarious dialogues between characters of some literary famous masterpieces....and other literary oddities! ;)

For instance, we have some dialogues between Medea and Glauce (Jason's second wife...or better yet, second wife of his harem..since he was still married. The bastard!):

you probably already have a million plans, it’s your wedding
it was just my favorite part of my wedding
(except for the part where I married Jason!!!)
(he is so fun to be married to)
(tell him I say hi!!!)

sorry
who is this

So I know we got off on the wrong foot
it’s Medea!! save my number okay

*****************************************************************
Then there's an almost impossible to refuse wedding proposal!
(Gilgamesh is his name, and he has some slight doubts about...Ishtar proposal.)

how about all your other boyfriends
still horribly dead
or turned into wolves?

you know what
never mind

i’m just super curious
since you’ve murdered exactly all of them
if maybe you were planning
on doing that to me too

i hope you get eaten by dogs

there it is
******************************
Then there's Aquilles story...he's a little depressed. Poor guy..also, he could use a dictionary.

*******************************************************************

Talking to one's family is sometimes hard, and Plato knows all about that.
Turns out his brother isn't the sharpest tool in the shed...

************************************************

Circe and Odysseus discuss the probability of going out for dinner, but I am afraid things don't look good:

Circe I’m not coming over for dinner

whyyyyy

*********************************************************************

King Lear and his daughters also make an appearance, as does William Blake.

************************************************************

John Donne continues to use the same old pick up line. You know, the one with the flea?

don’t get mad at me
get mad at the flea for making me have sex with so many people

****************************************************************

Hamlet...OH MY GOD, HAMLET IS THE CUTEST THING EVER!
Except if you're his mother..
Or his uncle!! It sucks to be his uncle...

let me just come in for five minutes so I can vacuum for you
I promise I won’t get in the way of your project

DON’T COME IN MY ROOM

okay
okay I won’t
I’m sorry honey
Hamlet?
honey?


*****************************************************************
Then we find out why is not advisable to leave Don Quixote all alone in a kitchen o_O

I WILL SLAY THEM ALL

please do not stab my tea kettle

******************************************************************
Then there's Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre

JANE
JANE I BOUGHT YOU A DRESS MADE OF TEN
THOUSAND PEARLS AS A BRIDAL PRESENT

where on earth would I wear that

YOU COULD WEAR IT ON THE MOON

that seems impractical
how would i even breathe on the moon?

I WOULD BREATHE FOR YOU MY JANE
JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE (..)
************************************************************
There's Sherlock Holmes and Watson dialogues....

Emily Dickinson as well..she really liked her White shawl.

***************************************************
Oliver Twist, and his politeness in face of his hard life.

Lord Byron and his: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my life!

****************************************************
John Keats who apparently was crazy about URNS.

**************************************************************
I am afraid Jane Fairfax still isn't Emma's favourite person:

One new voicemail from Jane Fairfax
Press 7 to save your message
Press 8 to delete your message

88888888888888888

Command not recognized
8

______________________________________*********_____________________________

Mrs Bennett discusses her future with her daughters...at least with the ones she remembers having...

____________________________________******______________________________

Guess who this is!
yes, it is your favourite obsessive southern belle!

ashley
ashley
ashley r u there
ashleyyyyyyyy
(im DRUNK (from brandy))
remember that time we made out in the barn

_______________________________*********____________________________

Then there's Nancy Drew and her juggling semantics:

N: do you think you could come get me?

are you tied up again?

N: i’m just over at the cave by the old mill

so you’re tied up

N: in a cave
you know
near the burned-down orphanage

please just answer the question

N: you should probably bring some scissors with you
for the rope?

N: there appears to be some rope here, yes

******************************************************************************
We come to realize that the Lorax cares for other things other than trees..like, you know, tampons:

TAMPONS CAN’T EVER TALK
THEY DON’T HAVE MOUTHS
THAT’S WHY I SPEAK FOR THEM

okay

******************************************************************************
Rebecca

oh my God

that is your SALAD fork

this is the fish course

what is wrong with you

******************************************************************************
The Hunger Games

And Peeta's priority's....

**************************************************************************
Harry Potter

So...how did Hermione end up with Ron again? o_O

No

No, honey, credit cards aren’t magic

And many, many others...the Wuthering Heights dialogues are particularity good! ;)

god i love you cathy

i love you too
i love you so much
god
it hurts how much i love you

i love you so much
let’s break each other’s hearts

oh my god let’s
i love you so much i’m going to marry edgar

******************************************************************************
And you know what's the wonderful thing about this book?

The fact that even if you are not familiar with some of its characters, or with what is being discussed, there's this wonderful thing called Google that allows you to figure it out!
yay ;)

[Allie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommended! I was cackling like a maniac when I read this on the bus. I think it should be mandatory reading for all librarians and bookish types!

All of these texts are so on point! Most of these are books I haven't even read, but have merely a passing familiarity. Danny Lavery's work (read the Toast!) is so bitingly funny, he perfectly distills these characters, authors, and conflicts to their petulant teen essentials. I died (DIED!) when I read the section on the American Girl books, especially Addy's conversation with Harriet. I also just about died any time "new phone who dis" was used.

(Updated in 2020 for name and pronoun changes. The content of the review and the effusive sentiment remain the same!)

[reading is my hustle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Am I that easy?
I don't even care.

The Outsiders texts? i die.

Meet the American Girls: Meet Samantha/Meet Molly/Meet Addy/Meet Kirsten/Meet Felicity/Boxed Set texts? i can't even.

Emily Dickinson texts? i think i might have giggled and/or tittered.

And, the Atlas Shrugged texts? i effin' cackled. then followed that up with a horselaugh.

So fun.
Thanks for the shits and giggles, Mallory Ortberg.
I love your work on The Toast.

[TMR · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fun little book where messages are exchanged with your favorite literary characters.

The only reason why I had to DNF this as it got boring in the end, no matter how many laughs (which weren't a lot) I got from this book. Another reason would be that I didn't know a whole lot about the many literary characters that were mentioned here.

But it was enjoyable while it lasted or at least while I lasted through this book. Hence the 3 mediocre stars.

Until the next read,

TMR

[Cindy Newton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was literally laugh-out-loud funny! I loved it!! Even if you haven't read the books she's parodying, you'll be rolling! Highly recommend!

[Jaime · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was pretty hilarious!! With COVID and other very heavy issues going on right now, I needed to laugh and this did the trick. Warning, if you’re not much of a reader of classic lit (much of which many have read in high school...Dickens, Austen, Greek myths) it may not be as funny. It does get to more modern lit toward the end.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

A clever concept but it wasn’t as funny as I was hoping. There are only a few distinct texting styles here which rarely matched the personality of the original character. I was hoping there would be more of a plot told through texts for a few books, but it was more like short conversations for many books. I was also hoping Jane Eyre would be most of the book but it was only a few pages.

[Heather Hogan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am so glad I waited until I was drunk to read the Pride and Prejudice one. I saved it especially for being drunk. It did not disappoint, in a big way. I laughed so much it hurt me, also in a good way.

[nidah05 (SleepDreamWrite) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Moments where I was like what? What is going on? Okay that was kind of funny. This sounded hilarious. And it was. Some of the titles I recognized. I read some and others simply heard of. Fun but quick read.