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Dealing With Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want
From Marc Brackett, director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of the bestselling book Permission to Feel, comes an essential guide for regulating how we respond to our emotions in order to transform our lives.
Success in virtually every aspect of life—career, friendship, love, and family—is determined mainly by one thing: how you deal with your feelings. In your most challenging moments, how did you respond? Did you fly off the handle? Were you paralyzed by indecision? Did you engage in behaviors that undermined your best intentions? Or did you exhibit grace under pressure and flourish? How you responded likely shaped what happened next. But emotion regulation isn’t a fixed trait, as many believe. It is a set of skills and techniques that must be learned, practiced, and refined over a lifetime.
Marc Brackett examines his own challenges dealing with emotions, explains the latest science of emotion regulation, and provides a set of practical, evidence-based strategies to help us use our feelings wisely to nurture healthy relationships, achieve challenging goals, and attain greater well-being. At the heart of his message is acceptance: There is no such thing as a bad emotion—only the ones you don’t understand and don’t yet know how to direct in positive, intentional ways.
We all have the power to decide how we will respond to what life throws at us. By honing our emotion regulation skills, we can increase our chances of achieving success in all facets of our lives. Dealing with Feeling will help you become the best version of yourself.
Success in virtually every aspect of life—career, friendship, love, and family—is determined mainly by one thing: how you deal with your feelings. In your most challenging moments, how did you respond? Did you fly off the handle? Were you paralyzed by indecision? Did you engage in behaviors that undermined your best intentions? Or did you exhibit grace under pressure and flourish? How you responded likely shaped what happened next. But emotion regulation isn’t a fixed trait, as many believe. It is a set of skills and techniques that must be learned, practiced, and refined over a lifetime.
Marc Brackett examines his own challenges dealing with emotions, explains the latest science of emotion regulation, and provides a set of practical, evidence-based strategies to help us use our feelings wisely to nurture healthy relationships, achieve challenging goals, and attain greater well-being. At the heart of his message is acceptance: There is no such thing as a bad emotion—only the ones you don’t understand and don’t yet know how to direct in positive, intentional ways.
We all have the power to decide how we will respond to what life throws at us. By honing our emotion regulation skills, we can increase our chances of achieving success in all facets of our lives. Dealing with Feeling will help you become the best version of yourself.
320 pages, Hardcover
Published September 16, 2025
158 people are currently reading
8718 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 76 reviews
July 26, 2025
This is a great book about emotions that I think just about anyone could benefit from, even if you think that you've already got full control of your emotions. There will be bits in here for each individual, with different outlooks on how you're possibly looking at things the wrong way and how a simple mindset shift can dramatically change things.
I went into this book with a lot of curiosity and finished it feeling like I had a bunch of new tools to try out as time goes forward. As a mother and someone who struggles with a lot of triggers when it comes to emotions, I found all the different stories, examples, and possibilities presented in this book incredibly helpful. I hope to take all I've learned in this book and become more emotionally aware calmer.
Marc has a way of writing that makes him feel like a friend catching you up on his life and how things are going. I think this approach will be beneficial to most readers and really help you absorb the lessons it gives. Highly suggest this one!
I went into this book with a lot of curiosity and finished it feeling like I had a bunch of new tools to try out as time goes forward. As a mother and someone who struggles with a lot of triggers when it comes to emotions, I found all the different stories, examples, and possibilities presented in this book incredibly helpful. I hope to take all I've learned in this book and become more emotionally aware calmer.
Marc has a way of writing that makes him feel like a friend catching you up on his life and how things are going. I think this approach will be beneficial to most readers and really help you absorb the lessons it gives. Highly suggest this one!
October 4, 2025
Gift this book to your emotionally stunted relatives ASAP. Great refresher for functional and fluent feelers, and solid introductory overview of core concepts and how to put them into action for non-native feelers. I pre-ordered this book while attending the author’s session during this year’s Yale reunions because the author promised some special access to something which has not yet been either confirmed and certainly has not yet materialized, which is sort of annoying … but it has been a bonkers few months out here in the world so can’t say I can’t relate to a ginormous to-do list. There is a typo (subject verb disagreement) on p 202 (“our predictions… matters”) and the narrative pacing seems to stop abruptly — so much dramatization/showing happened 95% of the way through that I assumed the book was at 80-85% — but this book would make a great gift to someone in your life who has not had access to healthy emotionally intelligent role models. You can tell the gift recipient, “Here is your Uncle Marvin,” and they will be confused but then the next time you see them you can ask how Uncle Marvin is to see if they’ve read it yet.
Observation for the author: your authenticity as a speaker have been effectively translated to the written page here, but it’s not yet clear that you believe you are lovable and great as you are. You do not yet seem comfy in your own skin. There is an undercurrent of jangly performative posturing that I recognize because I have struggled and still wrassle with this in my own life. Your reader doesn’t care about which flavor of which belt for such-and-such martial arts thing you are and they don’t need to hear it mentioned multiple times throughout the book. Maybe a new last chapter simply uses your journey with martial arts to artfully reinforce the concepts in the earlier chapters, but having to mention it multiple times throughout the book alongside your accolades in it becomes a distraction that removes the reader from the text. Also: People who care whether you’re friends with Jewel or buds with the alum who founded Pinterest aren’t really the kind of people who will lift you up, so maybe don’t keep mentioning the status and paper accolades of the same people more than once because doing so may reinforce to a part of yourself that you only matter as a function of your status and paper accolades. Perhaps it would help to consider how it might make Ben feel to see himself consistently referred to multiple times in your book as Pinterest cofounder Ben Silbermann instead of just Ben at mention 3 etc. Having said all this, I so very deeply relate to the struggle to genuinely want to serve and help other people and how that can get tangled up with a hunger to be seen x fear that you are invisible unless you’re pulling a red wagon full of clattering trophies behind you at all times. So in many ways what I read in and between the lines of this book made the author, to me, that much more lovable.
Tip for the editors: in future editions, on page 276, replace the lines with a simple large rectangle to signal “write something here.” The lines are too narrow and make the area useless and also make the book seem like the production team was the B-squad; has downmarket vibes. You can’t lift and shift the same design treatment from a pdf and put it into a hardcover and expect it to land. Your authors deserve better!
Observation for the author: your authenticity as a speaker have been effectively translated to the written page here, but it’s not yet clear that you believe you are lovable and great as you are. You do not yet seem comfy in your own skin. There is an undercurrent of jangly performative posturing that I recognize because I have struggled and still wrassle with this in my own life. Your reader doesn’t care about which flavor of which belt for such-and-such martial arts thing you are and they don’t need to hear it mentioned multiple times throughout the book. Maybe a new last chapter simply uses your journey with martial arts to artfully reinforce the concepts in the earlier chapters, but having to mention it multiple times throughout the book alongside your accolades in it becomes a distraction that removes the reader from the text. Also: People who care whether you’re friends with Jewel or buds with the alum who founded Pinterest aren’t really the kind of people who will lift you up, so maybe don’t keep mentioning the status and paper accolades of the same people more than once because doing so may reinforce to a part of yourself that you only matter as a function of your status and paper accolades. Perhaps it would help to consider how it might make Ben feel to see himself consistently referred to multiple times in your book as Pinterest cofounder Ben Silbermann instead of just Ben at mention 3 etc. Having said all this, I so very deeply relate to the struggle to genuinely want to serve and help other people and how that can get tangled up with a hunger to be seen x fear that you are invisible unless you’re pulling a red wagon full of clattering trophies behind you at all times. So in many ways what I read in and between the lines of this book made the author, to me, that much more lovable.
Tip for the editors: in future editions, on page 276, replace the lines with a simple large rectangle to signal “write something here.” The lines are too narrow and make the area useless and also make the book seem like the production team was the B-squad; has downmarket vibes. You can’t lift and shift the same design treatment from a pdf and put it into a hardcover and expect it to land. Your authors deserve better!
June 23, 2025
Thank you for my advanced copy. I struggle with feeling my feelings. It’s something I have been working on for a while now. I tend to push them aside or reacting without thinking. I really enjoyed this book and will be rereading it many times. I highly recommend it.
December 2, 2025
lets go with another newly released book
success in life doesn’t depend on your education or your intelligence but on how well you handle your emotions
notes:
- your emotional bill is coming due - Your body keeps a running tab of every emotion you ignore. That tension in your shoulders from the argument you swallowed three days ago. The exhaustion that no amount of sleep fixes because you’re carrying unprocessed anxiety everywhere. The headache that arrives every Sunday night before the work week begins.
- The goal isn’t to change anything; just notice.
- To build your labeling skills, expand your emotional vocabulary by learning three new emotion words each week. Instead of sad, try words like discouraged, morose, grief-stricken, or melancholic. Instead of angry, try irritated, livid, or indignant. The more precise your vocabulary, the more precisely you can address what you need.
- For expression, practice this phrase structure until it becomes natural: I feel blank, because blank, and I need blank.
Why do most of us reach adulthood completely unprepared to handle the very emotions that shape our entire lives?
1. we simply don’t value emotions. We treat them as obstacles to overcome instead of information to understand.
2. many just don’t see emotional regulation as a skill. We might assume emotional management is something you either have or you don’t, like being athletic, or musically inclined.
3. nobody taught us at home
4. nobody taught us at school, either
5. we love a quick fix instead of doing the deep work. Like scrolling social media when we feel anxious, or venting to friends when we feel angry, but not taking time to identify the emotions, their causes, and how to process them.
6. We also treat symptoms rather than underlying causes. Like taking medication for headaches, insomnia, and stomach problems. Doctors treat symptoms separately and rarely ask about the emotional patterns creating them.
7. there’s no real institutional support for emotional regulation. Workplaces offer employee assistance programs after people break down – but provide no training before the crisis hits. Health-care systems prescribe pills for anxiety and depression but rarely treat the causes. Society waits until emotions destroy lives before offering help, and even then the help focuses on damage control instead of building skills for emotional regulation.
RULER
- You can’t regulate an emotion you haven't recognized
- You can’t understand an emotion you haven’t labeled accurately.
- Which is why people who try to jump straight to regulation through breathing exercises or positive thinking often fail
R
Recognition means checking in with yourself multiple times per day. Like stopping to notice the physical sensations in your body in the moment. Are your shoulders raised? Is your breathing shallow or deep? Your body knows what you are feeling before your mind does. These physical signals are your first clue.
U
understanding. Once you notice you are feeling something, ask why. What just happened in the last few minutes or hours that might have triggered this feeling? Did someone dismiss your idea? Did you see something on social media that sparked comparison? Understanding creates distance between the trigger and your response.
L
Labeling requires expanding your emotional vocabulary far beyond fine, good, bad, or stressed. The difference between feeling anxious and feeling overwhelmed matters enormously because they require different responses. Anxiety often needs information or planning, while overwhelm needs simplification or delegation. Research shows that putting feelings into words reduces the intensity of negative emotions by activating your prefrontal cortex. Keep a list of emotion words on your phone or desk. When you notice a feeling, scroll through the list and find the words that fit best.
E
Expression is where most people derail. We either suppress completely or explode without a filter. Healthy expression means sharing your emotions in ways that create connection and solve problems instead of creating more. The key to good expression is separating the emotion from blame. Notice the difference between saying “I feel disrespected,” and “You disrespected me.” The first is about your internal experience. The second is an accusation that will trigger defensiveness.
R
Regulation is the final skill and the one everyone wants to master first. But regulation only works when built on the other four skills. Once you have recognized what you feel, understood why you feel it, labeled it precisely, and expressed it appropriately, regulation becomes simple.
examples:
- One uncomfortable moment at work had become a wrecking ball through her career and relationship. Most of us live like Zuri, letting unnamed emotions make decisions for us. We think we’re choosing our responses, but actually we’re being hijacked by feelings we never learned to recognize or manage.
- Zuri was brilliant at her job. She had two advanced degrees and could solve problems that stumped her entire team. But none of that training taught her what to do when frustration flooded her nervous system in that meeting. She only knew two options: stuff it down or let it explode.
- She was passed over for the promotion she deserved six months later. Her colleague got it instead, someone with half her technical skills but none of her emotional volatility.
OTHER:
- In relationships where emotions matter, a couple in an argument might each first recognize what they feel. One partner might feel anxious and need connection to feel secure. The other partner might be overwhelmed and need space to think clearly. They label these emotions and express them without blame. They understand that both needs are valid.
- So they create an agreement: when conflict arises, they’ll take 30 minutes apart, then come back together. The time apart helps the second partner regulate. The guaranteed reconnection helps the first partner feel secure. Their argument pattern breaks not because their needs changed but because they learned to recognize and express them clearly.
success in life doesn’t depend on your education or your intelligence but on how well you handle your emotions
notes:
- your emotional bill is coming due - Your body keeps a running tab of every emotion you ignore. That tension in your shoulders from the argument you swallowed three days ago. The exhaustion that no amount of sleep fixes because you’re carrying unprocessed anxiety everywhere. The headache that arrives every Sunday night before the work week begins.
- The goal isn’t to change anything; just notice.
- To build your labeling skills, expand your emotional vocabulary by learning three new emotion words each week. Instead of sad, try words like discouraged, morose, grief-stricken, or melancholic. Instead of angry, try irritated, livid, or indignant. The more precise your vocabulary, the more precisely you can address what you need.
- For expression, practice this phrase structure until it becomes natural: I feel blank, because blank, and I need blank.
Why do most of us reach adulthood completely unprepared to handle the very emotions that shape our entire lives?
1. we simply don’t value emotions. We treat them as obstacles to overcome instead of information to understand.
2. many just don’t see emotional regulation as a skill. We might assume emotional management is something you either have or you don’t, like being athletic, or musically inclined.
3. nobody taught us at home
4. nobody taught us at school, either
5. we love a quick fix instead of doing the deep work. Like scrolling social media when we feel anxious, or venting to friends when we feel angry, but not taking time to identify the emotions, their causes, and how to process them.
6. We also treat symptoms rather than underlying causes. Like taking medication for headaches, insomnia, and stomach problems. Doctors treat symptoms separately and rarely ask about the emotional patterns creating them.
7. there’s no real institutional support for emotional regulation. Workplaces offer employee assistance programs after people break down – but provide no training before the crisis hits. Health-care systems prescribe pills for anxiety and depression but rarely treat the causes. Society waits until emotions destroy lives before offering help, and even then the help focuses on damage control instead of building skills for emotional regulation.
RULER
- You can’t regulate an emotion you haven't recognized
- You can’t understand an emotion you haven’t labeled accurately.
- Which is why people who try to jump straight to regulation through breathing exercises or positive thinking often fail
R
Recognition means checking in with yourself multiple times per day. Like stopping to notice the physical sensations in your body in the moment. Are your shoulders raised? Is your breathing shallow or deep? Your body knows what you are feeling before your mind does. These physical signals are your first clue.
U
understanding. Once you notice you are feeling something, ask why. What just happened in the last few minutes or hours that might have triggered this feeling? Did someone dismiss your idea? Did you see something on social media that sparked comparison? Understanding creates distance between the trigger and your response.
L
Labeling requires expanding your emotional vocabulary far beyond fine, good, bad, or stressed. The difference between feeling anxious and feeling overwhelmed matters enormously because they require different responses. Anxiety often needs information or planning, while overwhelm needs simplification or delegation. Research shows that putting feelings into words reduces the intensity of negative emotions by activating your prefrontal cortex. Keep a list of emotion words on your phone or desk. When you notice a feeling, scroll through the list and find the words that fit best.
E
Expression is where most people derail. We either suppress completely or explode without a filter. Healthy expression means sharing your emotions in ways that create connection and solve problems instead of creating more. The key to good expression is separating the emotion from blame. Notice the difference between saying “I feel disrespected,” and “You disrespected me.” The first is about your internal experience. The second is an accusation that will trigger defensiveness.
R
Regulation is the final skill and the one everyone wants to master first. But regulation only works when built on the other four skills. Once you have recognized what you feel, understood why you feel it, labeled it precisely, and expressed it appropriately, regulation becomes simple.
examples:
- One uncomfortable moment at work had become a wrecking ball through her career and relationship. Most of us live like Zuri, letting unnamed emotions make decisions for us. We think we’re choosing our responses, but actually we’re being hijacked by feelings we never learned to recognize or manage.
- Zuri was brilliant at her job. She had two advanced degrees and could solve problems that stumped her entire team. But none of that training taught her what to do when frustration flooded her nervous system in that meeting. She only knew two options: stuff it down or let it explode.
- She was passed over for the promotion she deserved six months later. Her colleague got it instead, someone with half her technical skills but none of her emotional volatility.
OTHER:
- In relationships where emotions matter, a couple in an argument might each first recognize what they feel. One partner might feel anxious and need connection to feel secure. The other partner might be overwhelmed and need space to think clearly. They label these emotions and express them without blame. They understand that both needs are valid.
- So they create an agreement: when conflict arises, they’ll take 30 minutes apart, then come back together. The time apart helps the second partner regulate. The guaranteed reconnection helps the first partner feel secure. Their argument pattern breaks not because their needs changed but because they learned to recognize and express them clearly.
February 3, 2026
Feels like he’s trying to be more persuasive than he needs to be. I’m reading your book stop trying to convince me emotional regulation is important.
December 28, 2025
It's been a pattern this year where I don't know how to review books- not because they are poorly written, but because I was hoping to get more out of it than I did. I think for someone without a background in psychology or history of working with kids, this could have a lot of great info. However, for me, there wasn't a lot of new food for thought, either for myself or for my work with children. It left me feeling jealous, wishing that I had my own "Uncle Marvin" too!
Good reminders, but of ideas that I've already considered:
-The idea of distancing from emotions: a) pretend to be a superhero and see how you'd react or b) imagine this current situation as a scene playing out on a TV show or 3) remind yourself that we are a part of nature and nature changes with the seasons. Everything changes and passes (more for adults.)
-When children express worries or insecurities, we need to listen before directing them. They likely will not be able to hear us until they are regulated.
-The power of a growth mindset, where we recognize that emotions are an important part of who we are, and identify that they can provide us with helpful information. Ignoring emotions never helps to prevent them.
-A growth mindset reminds us that setbacks can give us opportunities to grow and change rather than make us feel like a failure.
-Adding the phrase "yet," especially while working with kids. "I don't understand this... yet."
-"Name it to Tame It" --- keep working on expanding your vocabulary to be able to directly identify how you're feeling. This reduces intensity and boosts our clarity. We can prompt kids to better express exactly what they're feeling rather than a simple "good" or "bad."
-Pause and take a meta moment to breathe, walk away, etc. in order to have a better goal-related response. It's healthier to do this than to get caught in a venting pattern.
-Eat, sleep, move science is obvious, but I loved hearing the new study about how exercise is 1.5x as effective as therapy or medication in helping us to better manage our emotions.
Good reminders, but of ideas that I've already considered:
-The idea of distancing from emotions: a) pretend to be a superhero and see how you'd react or b) imagine this current situation as a scene playing out on a TV show or 3) remind yourself that we are a part of nature and nature changes with the seasons. Everything changes and passes (more for adults.)
-When children express worries or insecurities, we need to listen before directing them. They likely will not be able to hear us until they are regulated.
-The power of a growth mindset, where we recognize that emotions are an important part of who we are, and identify that they can provide us with helpful information. Ignoring emotions never helps to prevent them.
-A growth mindset reminds us that setbacks can give us opportunities to grow and change rather than make us feel like a failure.
-Adding the phrase "yet," especially while working with kids. "I don't understand this... yet."
-"Name it to Tame It" --- keep working on expanding your vocabulary to be able to directly identify how you're feeling. This reduces intensity and boosts our clarity. We can prompt kids to better express exactly what they're feeling rather than a simple "good" or "bad."
-Pause and take a meta moment to breathe, walk away, etc. in order to have a better goal-related response. It's healthier to do this than to get caught in a venting pattern.
-Eat, sleep, move science is obvious, but I loved hearing the new study about how exercise is 1.5x as effective as therapy or medication in helping us to better manage our emotions.
December 8, 2025
Book has some good points throughout, below are biggest themes I walked away with.
Must understand feeling to deal with them.
Often teach children to ignore there emotions instead of helping to understand. Doesn’t give them the tool to prevent in future. -> Listen before directing
Narrative shouldn’t be: ‘Everthing will be okay’. Need to understand and deal with underlying feelings
Mastery orientated vs performance orientate goals.
- [ ] Mastery seeing setbacks as learning opportunities along path of mastery
- [ ] Performance see setbacks as failures and something to be avoided
Fixed mindset vs growth mindset
Growth mindset says:
Emotions are an important part of who I am and how I perceive life, defining me as a person. Information they contain can be useful. Emotions can be changed depending on how I think about them.
Ignoring emotions never helps to prevent emotions.
Parents remember power of YET
Not good at reading … YET
No good or bad emotions: they only convey a reaction to stimulus to be understood
Do succumb to negative self talk in response to a compliment.
‘Anyone could have done it’
‘We all get lucky sometimes’
This can impact confidence over time.
Must understand feeling to deal with them.
Often teach children to ignore there emotions instead of helping to understand. Doesn’t give them the tool to prevent in future. -> Listen before directing
Narrative shouldn’t be: ‘Everthing will be okay’. Need to understand and deal with underlying feelings
Mastery orientated vs performance orientate goals.
- [ ] Mastery seeing setbacks as learning opportunities along path of mastery
- [ ] Performance see setbacks as failures and something to be avoided
Fixed mindset vs growth mindset
Growth mindset says:
Emotions are an important part of who I am and how I perceive life, defining me as a person. Information they contain can be useful. Emotions can be changed depending on how I think about them.
Ignoring emotions never helps to prevent emotions.
Parents remember power of YET
Not good at reading … YET
No good or bad emotions: they only convey a reaction to stimulus to be understood
Do succumb to negative self talk in response to a compliment.
‘Anyone could have done it’
‘We all get lucky sometimes’
This can impact confidence over time.
February 11, 2026
I first encountered Marc Brackets work when I started using the journaling app called What We Feel. I didn’t know it was made by this author and after reading the book it made total sense.
In this book you can find explanations, references to research substantiating claims, exercises, templates and stories of emotion regulation in action. So if you know where to look and have made enough highlights, this can easily become a companion book for the long term future.
In short, you’ll learn about the 4 main quadrants of emotions, the nuances that come with correct labeling and how most of us are failing to label our emotions correctly, techniques for dealing with immediate situations (which I found quite helpful already) and topics that most books on a similar topic don’t address - the holy trifecta of sleep, nutrition and exercise.
At times I’d get tired of reading 3-4 examples for a concept. It felt unnecessarily repetitive. Then the summaries were not as consistent as I’d like to see. Meaning I think a proper tldr summary of the main points would benefit this book perfectly. Lastly, references. They were there but often you’d simply read “Research shows…”. There’s a lot of research that is insufficient or inconclusive or even false. Especially now going into the era of AI everything, I’d want to see actual human made studies
Overall, the concept is important to literally everybody in whatever life circumstance you are. Whether you read this book or some other on the topic, you’ll be doing yourself a favor
In this book you can find explanations, references to research substantiating claims, exercises, templates and stories of emotion regulation in action. So if you know where to look and have made enough highlights, this can easily become a companion book for the long term future.
In short, you’ll learn about the 4 main quadrants of emotions, the nuances that come with correct labeling and how most of us are failing to label our emotions correctly, techniques for dealing with immediate situations (which I found quite helpful already) and topics that most books on a similar topic don’t address - the holy trifecta of sleep, nutrition and exercise.
At times I’d get tired of reading 3-4 examples for a concept. It felt unnecessarily repetitive. Then the summaries were not as consistent as I’d like to see. Meaning I think a proper tldr summary of the main points would benefit this book perfectly. Lastly, references. They were there but often you’d simply read “Research shows…”. There’s a lot of research that is insufficient or inconclusive or even false. Especially now going into the era of AI everything, I’d want to see actual human made studies
Overall, the concept is important to literally everybody in whatever life circumstance you are. Whether you read this book or some other on the topic, you’ll be doing yourself a favor
December 11, 2025
maybe i'm biased because i liked having my growth over this past year implicitly affirmed by a yale professor lol, but as someone who tends to second guess myself and wonder if i'm just faking progress and fooling everyone including myself, i especially appreciated brackett's explicit connection of the growth mindset & emotional regulation—as that's something i'd finally been starting to implement more consciously in my own life after far too long xP
March 2, 2026
my therapist recommended this book to me! I definitely got some solid skills and perspective from this.
Read
December 2, 2025"Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want" begins with the idea that most people move through the world unaware that their emotions, not their intentions, are running the show. Marc Brackett illustrates this through the story of Zuri, whose day unravels because she never learned the skills to recognize, name, or manage her emotional reactions. Her experience mirrors what millions face daily: unchecked feelings quietly shaping decisions, relationships, and long-term outcomes. Brackett’s argument is simple but profound - emotions are not irrational noise; they are messages we were never taught to read. And without emotional literacy, even intelligent, hardworking, well-meaning people end up sabotaging their success, damaging their relationships, and shrinking their potential. The book presents a system that teaches readers how to understand their inner world so they can respond with intention rather than impulse, transforming emotions from disruptive forces into reliable guides.
The book first shows the enormous cost of emotional illiteracy. When people ignore or misinterpret what they feel, their bodies take on the burden. Stress builds in the form of tight muscles, chronic fatigue, headaches, and sleep disturbances. These symptoms often appear 'physical,' but they are the body’s attempt to signal that something internal is being mishandled. Research across tens of thousands of individuals shows that those who cannot identify and manage emotions consistently struggle more in nearly every domain - they advance more slowly in their careers, maintain fewer deep relationships, experience more conflict, and face higher rates of anxiety or depression. Intelligence or technical expertise cannot compensate for emotional mismanagement. Zuri is a perfect example: brilliant and qualified, yet derailed by a single unmanaged emotion that cascaded into professional setbacks, lost opportunities, strained friendships, and a fragile relationship. Her story is not about personal weakness but systemic failure. She was never taught emotional skills - and neither were most of us.
Brackett explains that this widespread gap exists because society repeatedly sends the message that emotions are secondary, inconvenient, or unimportant. From childhood onward, we learn to ignore, distract, or suppress feelings rather than understand them. Families often soothe children without teaching them to name or explore their emotions. Schools evaluate academic intelligence but almost never teach emotional vocabulary, even though emotions directly affect learning and behavior. As adults, people search for quick fixes - scrolling, venting, numbing, or self-distracting - without addressing the root causes of their internal discomfort. Health-care systems treat the symptoms of emotional dysregulation - insomnia, migraines, digestive issues - without exploring the emotional origins. Workplaces respond to burnout with wellness sessions and assistance programs only after crisis hits, instead of proactively teaching people emotional skills. Society has built a system where people are expected to act with maturity and control, yet are never taught how emotions actually operate. The result is predictable: people stumble through life with tools missing from the toolbox.
To address this gap, Brackett introduces five interconnected emotional intelligence skills captured in the acronym RULER: recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions. He emphasizes that these skills form a sequence, each dependent on the one before it. Recognition comes first because it is impossible to manage what one has not noticed. Most people float through the day unaware of their internal states until the emotional intensity rises high enough to cause an explosion or shutdown. The body always knows first - tight shoulders, quickened breath, a jumpy stomach - and these physical cues offer essential information. By pausing several times daily to scan the body, people begin to reconnect with their emotional signals.
Once an emotion is recognized, the next step is understanding. This means connecting the feeling to events or thoughts that triggered it. Awareness of causes and patterns helps create distance between stimulus and response. Instead of being swept away because something 'just feels bad,' a person can recognize what happened and choose a wiser path.
Labeling is the skill that shifts a person from reactivity to clarity. Most people use vague terms - stressed, fine, upset - but Brackett argues that precision matters. The difference between frustration, resentment, disappointment, and overwhelm is substantial because each requires a different solution. Neuroscience shows that naming a feeling reduces its intensity and activates the brain regions responsible for decision-making. Building an emotional vocabulary is therefore not abstract learning but a practical tool for psychological stability.
Expression is the skill that maintains healthy relationships. Many people either bottle emotions until they burst or express them in ways that damage trust. Brackett encourages communicating feelings without blame and with specific requests. Saying 'I feel overwhelmed because the deadline keeps changing, and I need a stable date to plan' invites collaboration, whereas 'You keep messing up my schedule' triggers defensiveness. Expression is not about releasing emotion but about communicating it in a way that builds understanding and connection.
Regulation, the final skill, becomes possible only when the first four are in place. People often try to regulate emotions prematurely through deep breathing or positive thinking without recognizing or understanding what they feel. When done in sequence, regulation becomes a clear, intentional process rather than a desperate attempt to shut down discomfort. The six-second pause is a simple but powerful tool: counting slowly creates space for recognition, labeling, and thoughtful response.
The book emphasizes that these skills must be practiced intentionally, not just understood intellectually. Brackett offers practical exercises such as daily body scans, emotion logs to identify triggers, weekly vocabulary expansion, structured communication templates, and the habitual use of the six-second pause. These practices gradually rewire emotional habits, shifting a person from reacting impulsively to responding with awareness.
Brackett also illustrates what becomes possible when emotional intelligence is embedded in systems. In classrooms that teach emotional skills, children support one another through difficult feelings and develop empathy naturally. In workplaces that normalize emotional discussion, teams address setbacks with honesty and collaborate more effectively. In relationships where both partners practice the RULER skills, conflicts transform from battles into opportunities for deeper connection. Emotional intelligence does not eliminate challenges; it equips people with tools to navigate them skillfully.
In conclusion, "Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want" shows that emotional intelligence is not a luxury or a soft skill - it is the determining factor in whether people thrive or struggle in their careers, relationships, and personal lives. Brackett reveals that systemic gaps left most adults unequipped to handle their inner world, but the RULER framework provides the missing instruction manual. Recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions allows people to approach conflict calmly, build healthier relationships, pursue goals confidently, and live with greater clarity and self-trust. The book’s message is that emotions are not obstacles to overcome but essential data pointing the way forward, and anyone can learn the skills to use them wisely.
The book first shows the enormous cost of emotional illiteracy. When people ignore or misinterpret what they feel, their bodies take on the burden. Stress builds in the form of tight muscles, chronic fatigue, headaches, and sleep disturbances. These symptoms often appear 'physical,' but they are the body’s attempt to signal that something internal is being mishandled. Research across tens of thousands of individuals shows that those who cannot identify and manage emotions consistently struggle more in nearly every domain - they advance more slowly in their careers, maintain fewer deep relationships, experience more conflict, and face higher rates of anxiety or depression. Intelligence or technical expertise cannot compensate for emotional mismanagement. Zuri is a perfect example: brilliant and qualified, yet derailed by a single unmanaged emotion that cascaded into professional setbacks, lost opportunities, strained friendships, and a fragile relationship. Her story is not about personal weakness but systemic failure. She was never taught emotional skills - and neither were most of us.
Brackett explains that this widespread gap exists because society repeatedly sends the message that emotions are secondary, inconvenient, or unimportant. From childhood onward, we learn to ignore, distract, or suppress feelings rather than understand them. Families often soothe children without teaching them to name or explore their emotions. Schools evaluate academic intelligence but almost never teach emotional vocabulary, even though emotions directly affect learning and behavior. As adults, people search for quick fixes - scrolling, venting, numbing, or self-distracting - without addressing the root causes of their internal discomfort. Health-care systems treat the symptoms of emotional dysregulation - insomnia, migraines, digestive issues - without exploring the emotional origins. Workplaces respond to burnout with wellness sessions and assistance programs only after crisis hits, instead of proactively teaching people emotional skills. Society has built a system where people are expected to act with maturity and control, yet are never taught how emotions actually operate. The result is predictable: people stumble through life with tools missing from the toolbox.
To address this gap, Brackett introduces five interconnected emotional intelligence skills captured in the acronym RULER: recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions. He emphasizes that these skills form a sequence, each dependent on the one before it. Recognition comes first because it is impossible to manage what one has not noticed. Most people float through the day unaware of their internal states until the emotional intensity rises high enough to cause an explosion or shutdown. The body always knows first - tight shoulders, quickened breath, a jumpy stomach - and these physical cues offer essential information. By pausing several times daily to scan the body, people begin to reconnect with their emotional signals.
Once an emotion is recognized, the next step is understanding. This means connecting the feeling to events or thoughts that triggered it. Awareness of causes and patterns helps create distance between stimulus and response. Instead of being swept away because something 'just feels bad,' a person can recognize what happened and choose a wiser path.
Labeling is the skill that shifts a person from reactivity to clarity. Most people use vague terms - stressed, fine, upset - but Brackett argues that precision matters. The difference between frustration, resentment, disappointment, and overwhelm is substantial because each requires a different solution. Neuroscience shows that naming a feeling reduces its intensity and activates the brain regions responsible for decision-making. Building an emotional vocabulary is therefore not abstract learning but a practical tool for psychological stability.
Expression is the skill that maintains healthy relationships. Many people either bottle emotions until they burst or express them in ways that damage trust. Brackett encourages communicating feelings without blame and with specific requests. Saying 'I feel overwhelmed because the deadline keeps changing, and I need a stable date to plan' invites collaboration, whereas 'You keep messing up my schedule' triggers defensiveness. Expression is not about releasing emotion but about communicating it in a way that builds understanding and connection.
Regulation, the final skill, becomes possible only when the first four are in place. People often try to regulate emotions prematurely through deep breathing or positive thinking without recognizing or understanding what they feel. When done in sequence, regulation becomes a clear, intentional process rather than a desperate attempt to shut down discomfort. The six-second pause is a simple but powerful tool: counting slowly creates space for recognition, labeling, and thoughtful response.
The book emphasizes that these skills must be practiced intentionally, not just understood intellectually. Brackett offers practical exercises such as daily body scans, emotion logs to identify triggers, weekly vocabulary expansion, structured communication templates, and the habitual use of the six-second pause. These practices gradually rewire emotional habits, shifting a person from reacting impulsively to responding with awareness.
Brackett also illustrates what becomes possible when emotional intelligence is embedded in systems. In classrooms that teach emotional skills, children support one another through difficult feelings and develop empathy naturally. In workplaces that normalize emotional discussion, teams address setbacks with honesty and collaborate more effectively. In relationships where both partners practice the RULER skills, conflicts transform from battles into opportunities for deeper connection. Emotional intelligence does not eliminate challenges; it equips people with tools to navigate them skillfully.
In conclusion, "Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want" shows that emotional intelligence is not a luxury or a soft skill - it is the determining factor in whether people thrive or struggle in their careers, relationships, and personal lives. Brackett reveals that systemic gaps left most adults unequipped to handle their inner world, but the RULER framework provides the missing instruction manual. Recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions allows people to approach conflict calmly, build healthier relationships, pursue goals confidently, and live with greater clarity and self-trust. The book’s message is that emotions are not obstacles to overcome but essential data pointing the way forward, and anyone can learn the skills to use them wisely.
October 27, 2025
This is a helpful book - I got insights into what people mean by "best self" and understood the motivation behind his choice of how to label emotions. (He chooses the label with the most information on actions that can be done to change the emotion. He is not interested in labeling the state or process but in discovering the underlying appraisals that can be altered to adjust to a more desired state.) The mnemonic for Gross' five points where you can regulate emotions will help me remember them quickly "in the trenches."
I have three complaints. (1) He spends a lot of time motivating his audience to envision a world where emotion regulation is commonplace - including devoting his last chapter to it. Bro, we bought a book entitled, "Dealing with Feeling." Infer that we're easy to convince. I would have appreciated more detail in the practice sections. I can use them, but there is a lot missing that I'll need to fill in from other sources.
(2) He doesn't represent his theoretical commitment well. The field of emotion regulation has 4 competing schools, and as far as I can tell, none of them has consensus: basic emotion, appraisal (Dr. Brackett's model), psychological construction, and social construction. He does not present (even in an appendix) the other schools and presents only studies that support his side. (He's not alone on this. I haven't finished "How emotions are made," but it seems like it's from one of the construction schools and uses a dishonest straw man of the basic school as a punching bag in the early chapters.) Responsible science communication accurately portrays the uncertainty in the field. When you don't, you get skepticism to the whole field of science when your incomplete model is overturned.
(3) The audiobook refers to a PDF, "Your practical guide to building emotional regulation skills," that is supposedly available for download on his website. It's not there.
I have three complaints. (1) He spends a lot of time motivating his audience to envision a world where emotion regulation is commonplace - including devoting his last chapter to it. Bro, we bought a book entitled, "Dealing with Feeling." Infer that we're easy to convince. I would have appreciated more detail in the practice sections. I can use them, but there is a lot missing that I'll need to fill in from other sources.
(2) He doesn't represent his theoretical commitment well. The field of emotion regulation has 4 competing schools, and as far as I can tell, none of them has consensus: basic emotion, appraisal (Dr. Brackett's model), psychological construction, and social construction. He does not present (even in an appendix) the other schools and presents only studies that support his side. (He's not alone on this. I haven't finished "How emotions are made," but it seems like it's from one of the construction schools and uses a dishonest straw man of the basic school as a punching bag in the early chapters.) Responsible science communication accurately portrays the uncertainty in the field. When you don't, you get skepticism to the whole field of science when your incomplete model is overturned.
(3) The audiobook refers to a PDF, "Your practical guide to building emotional regulation skills," that is supposedly available for download on his website. It's not there.
September 15, 2025
Thank you to Netgalley for an ARC of this book.
This is an excellent book for literally anyone. In a world where we are filled with a lot of information at an abnormally constant and fast rate, it’s easy to find ourselves lacking the ability to take time and evaluate how we feel about everything that is happening around us.
This book was not too long or too wordy, and provided the reader with not only a practical understanding of how valuable emotional regulation can be for yourself, but also how valuable emotional regulation can be for the people around you: whether it’s Work colleagues or for personal relationships, such as your spouse or children. In the second half of the book, the focus is not only continuing to understand why emotional intelligence is important, but also how to apply specific techniques and make lifestyle changes to better improve one’s ability to emotionally regulate in all situations.
As a parent myself, I found that the most valuable techniques and strategies for how to practice, emotionally regulating both difficult and easy feelings were extremely noteworthy so that I can apply it in the future with my kids and family.
This is an excellent book for literally anyone. In a world where we are filled with a lot of information at an abnormally constant and fast rate, it’s easy to find ourselves lacking the ability to take time and evaluate how we feel about everything that is happening around us.
This book was not too long or too wordy, and provided the reader with not only a practical understanding of how valuable emotional regulation can be for yourself, but also how valuable emotional regulation can be for the people around you: whether it’s Work colleagues or for personal relationships, such as your spouse or children. In the second half of the book, the focus is not only continuing to understand why emotional intelligence is important, but also how to apply specific techniques and make lifestyle changes to better improve one’s ability to emotionally regulate in all situations.
As a parent myself, I found that the most valuable techniques and strategies for how to practice, emotionally regulating both difficult and easy feelings were extremely noteworthy so that I can apply it in the future with my kids and family.
December 21, 2025
Many interesting and useful details but way too many words for my liking. He's better on podcasts + maybe some summary of the ideas he stands for that seemed way more strict than how he presents them in the book.
August 20, 2025
4.5 ⭐️
This book really digs into emotional regulation and how many of us, as adults, never actually learned how to do it. Some people can’t even put their feelings into words and if that isn’t relatable. It’s exactly why I’m so intentional about teaching my kids how to name and regulate their emotions now, so they’ll have the tools when they’re older.
One point that stood out is how we tend to confuse silence or lack of emotion with strength. The author argues that it’s actually the opposite. Shutting down can mean you’re scared or unable to deal with your feelings. That really made me pause, because it’s dangerous to think emotional expression = weakness when, in reality, regulating and processing emotions is the real strength.
I also appreciated the practical examples. Like when you’re triggered by a coworker, the book challenges you to stop and ask why. If you resent them for getting another weekend off, is it really about them? Or is it about your own unmet need for rest? That reframe, looking inward instead of outward was one of the most useful takeaways and something I wish people did more often instead of always blaming others.
The section on language was another highlight. We’ve all fallen into the pattern of answering “How are you?” with “good,” “fine,” or “okay.” But in other cultures, there are actual words for really specific feelings (like the frustration of a bad haircut). We don’t have that nuance, so we’ve almost trained ourselves not to share real emotions because we think we’re burdening others.
Another powerful piece was around anger. The author explains that people often mask shame, hurt, or embarrassment with anger because it feels less vulnerable. That rang true in so many ways. There’s also a chapter on self-hate, which pushes you to practice speaking to yourself in a kinder, more compassionate way- something most of us struggle with.
Now, personally, some of this wasn’t brand new for me because I’ve spent years in counseling. I found myself speeding up certain sections because I already understood the concepts, though I still appreciated hearing them framed in different ways. To be honest, by the end I was ready to be done. It dragged a little and felt dry, but I think that’s partly because I had to push through quickly for the ARC deadline. Normally I go slower with self-help and dip in when I’m in the right headspace, which makes it easier to absorb.
Overall, I did like the book. I picked up some fresh perspectives, and I think it could be a great starting point for anyone curious about inner work but hesitant to try counseling yet. It’s a mix of practical advice and gentle challenges that encourage you to look inward rather than outward and that, to me, is the heart of real growth.
Thank you NetGalley and Macmillan Audio for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions are my own.
This book really digs into emotional regulation and how many of us, as adults, never actually learned how to do it. Some people can’t even put their feelings into words and if that isn’t relatable. It’s exactly why I’m so intentional about teaching my kids how to name and regulate their emotions now, so they’ll have the tools when they’re older.
One point that stood out is how we tend to confuse silence or lack of emotion with strength. The author argues that it’s actually the opposite. Shutting down can mean you’re scared or unable to deal with your feelings. That really made me pause, because it’s dangerous to think emotional expression = weakness when, in reality, regulating and processing emotions is the real strength.
I also appreciated the practical examples. Like when you’re triggered by a coworker, the book challenges you to stop and ask why. If you resent them for getting another weekend off, is it really about them? Or is it about your own unmet need for rest? That reframe, looking inward instead of outward was one of the most useful takeaways and something I wish people did more often instead of always blaming others.
The section on language was another highlight. We’ve all fallen into the pattern of answering “How are you?” with “good,” “fine,” or “okay.” But in other cultures, there are actual words for really specific feelings (like the frustration of a bad haircut). We don’t have that nuance, so we’ve almost trained ourselves not to share real emotions because we think we’re burdening others.
Another powerful piece was around anger. The author explains that people often mask shame, hurt, or embarrassment with anger because it feels less vulnerable. That rang true in so many ways. There’s also a chapter on self-hate, which pushes you to practice speaking to yourself in a kinder, more compassionate way- something most of us struggle with.
Now, personally, some of this wasn’t brand new for me because I’ve spent years in counseling. I found myself speeding up certain sections because I already understood the concepts, though I still appreciated hearing them framed in different ways. To be honest, by the end I was ready to be done. It dragged a little and felt dry, but I think that’s partly because I had to push through quickly for the ARC deadline. Normally I go slower with self-help and dip in when I’m in the right headspace, which makes it easier to absorb.
Overall, I did like the book. I picked up some fresh perspectives, and I think it could be a great starting point for anyone curious about inner work but hesitant to try counseling yet. It’s a mix of practical advice and gentle challenges that encourage you to look inward rather than outward and that, to me, is the heart of real growth.
Thank you NetGalley and Macmillan Audio for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions are my own.
August 25, 2025
This powerful book is written by a self-proclaimed (admittedly tongue-in-cheek) “Master of Feelings”, Dr. Marc Brackett, a professor focusing on Emotional Intelligence, and in particular, the perhaps lesser-known practice of emotional regulation.
We cannot control the situations we find ourselves in, but we can learn to manage (that is, regulate) our emotional reactions to those situations.
There are no intrinsically good, or bad feelings, the author informs, but each offers something, we learn, as they come. Our emotions inform us of “what’s going on in our lives, what we believe about our lives, and how it’s (all) affecting us”. Dealing with these feelings (all of them, even the very difficult ones) in a way that allows us to grow into our best selves is the ‘stuff’ this book is made of. And it is ‘stuffed’ — with examples, practical tips, tools, and a framework beginning with first recognizing and understanding our sometimes very complicated feelings; and following on with the all-important taking of a psychological “meta-moment”, — to breathe, build space, and only then (very thoughtfully, very intentionally) to move forward with our reaction.
Under this model, exactly what reaction we choose will depend very much on our goals. Our emotions, and the valuable information they provide us, can be harnessed in ways that are helpful, or at the very least, less hurtful, to the people we want to be, and are more or less aligned to the goals we will pursue to get there.
A mind-opening journey into a somewhat hidden skill, that may actually be wildly transformational, I loved this book and its practical, compassionate messaging (both intimately textured and deeply science-based) — all of which may take some work to apply, but this reader, for one, could not agree more with the words of the author: “Minute by minute — we declare our priorities. When we spend time, what we’re really spending is our lives.”
High recommended, this is a book to spend time with.
A great big thank you to @CeladonBooks for an ARC of this brilliant book. All thoughts presented are my own.
We cannot control the situations we find ourselves in, but we can learn to manage (that is, regulate) our emotional reactions to those situations.
There are no intrinsically good, or bad feelings, the author informs, but each offers something, we learn, as they come. Our emotions inform us of “what’s going on in our lives, what we believe about our lives, and how it’s (all) affecting us”. Dealing with these feelings (all of them, even the very difficult ones) in a way that allows us to grow into our best selves is the ‘stuff’ this book is made of. And it is ‘stuffed’ — with examples, practical tips, tools, and a framework beginning with first recognizing and understanding our sometimes very complicated feelings; and following on with the all-important taking of a psychological “meta-moment”, — to breathe, build space, and only then (very thoughtfully, very intentionally) to move forward with our reaction.
Under this model, exactly what reaction we choose will depend very much on our goals. Our emotions, and the valuable information they provide us, can be harnessed in ways that are helpful, or at the very least, less hurtful, to the people we want to be, and are more or less aligned to the goals we will pursue to get there.
A mind-opening journey into a somewhat hidden skill, that may actually be wildly transformational, I loved this book and its practical, compassionate messaging (both intimately textured and deeply science-based) — all of which may take some work to apply, but this reader, for one, could not agree more with the words of the author: “Minute by minute — we declare our priorities. When we spend time, what we’re really spending is our lives.”
High recommended, this is a book to spend time with.
A great big thank you to @CeladonBooks for an ARC of this brilliant book. All thoughts presented are my own.
December 30, 2025
Marc begins the book with a story about a short-tempered encounter that he had with his mother-in-law after a stressful day. His point is that even he is learning.
He then describes the seven reasons we can’t deal with our feelings:
1. We don’t value our emotions
2. We don’t recognise that dealing with feelings is a useful skill
3. Nobody taught us at home
4. Nobody taught us at school either
5. We love the quick fix
6. We rather treat ailments than prevent them
7. There is no institutional support for regulation (of our emotions)
He then introduces the concept of regulation of emotions, which is a series of steps we can take to get control of our emotions. Co-regulation is the steps we can take to influence the emotions of others. There are detailed examples of how these concepts work in practice.
He says that it is important to correctly label the emotions we are feeling; this introduces clarity to the process. Next, he introduces four strategies for emotional regulation: quieting the mind and body; thinking critically about what is or has happened; gaining emotional strength through relationships with others; and keeping ourselves healthy. There are further chapters on how children learn emotional regulation and becoming the best version of yourself. The book also includes a practical guide to building emotional regulation skills.
For all the numbered reasons mentioned above, mastering emotional regulation is not am easy subject to teach. One can come across as a superficial expert or a ‘wannabe’ expert. But Mr Brackett’s use of personal examples from his learning experience, his sympathy for people who get it wrong, and his use of familiar language, give the reader confidence in him as a teacher. He also connects emotional regulation to such familiar topics as mindfulness, empathy, yoga, cultivating friends, and personal health care in order to make ER seem less esoteric and more ordinary. His tone and his language are inclusive and friendly. This book will be a valuable guide and handbook for many of us.
He then describes the seven reasons we can’t deal with our feelings:
1. We don’t value our emotions
2. We don’t recognise that dealing with feelings is a useful skill
3. Nobody taught us at home
4. Nobody taught us at school either
5. We love the quick fix
6. We rather treat ailments than prevent them
7. There is no institutional support for regulation (of our emotions)
He then introduces the concept of regulation of emotions, which is a series of steps we can take to get control of our emotions. Co-regulation is the steps we can take to influence the emotions of others. There are detailed examples of how these concepts work in practice.
He says that it is important to correctly label the emotions we are feeling; this introduces clarity to the process. Next, he introduces four strategies for emotional regulation: quieting the mind and body; thinking critically about what is or has happened; gaining emotional strength through relationships with others; and keeping ourselves healthy. There are further chapters on how children learn emotional regulation and becoming the best version of yourself. The book also includes a practical guide to building emotional regulation skills.
For all the numbered reasons mentioned above, mastering emotional regulation is not am easy subject to teach. One can come across as a superficial expert or a ‘wannabe’ expert. But Mr Brackett’s use of personal examples from his learning experience, his sympathy for people who get it wrong, and his use of familiar language, give the reader confidence in him as a teacher. He also connects emotional regulation to such familiar topics as mindfulness, empathy, yoga, cultivating friends, and personal health care in order to make ER seem less esoteric and more ordinary. His tone and his language are inclusive and friendly. This book will be a valuable guide and handbook for many of us.
January 5, 2026
📘 Book Review: Dealing With Your Feelings by Marc Brackett
This book gently but powerfully changed the way I understand my inner world.
For so long, I thought emotional health meant “being positive,” “not overreacting,” or “getting over it.”
Marc Brackett offers something much more compassionate and far more effective:
learning to notice, name, and befriend what we feel.
One of the biggest gifts of this book is how it reframes emotions from something to manage or suppress into something to listen to. Our feelings aren’t the problem — they are the messengers.
Brackett teaches that when we mislabel what we’re feeling, we often choose the wrong response.
Anger, envy, disappointment, grief, and fear may look similar on the surface — but they each call for something different from us. When we get the right word for the right feeling, clarity replaces chaos.
And before we can think clearly, we have to calm our nervous system.
One of my favorite reminders from the book:
“The breath is the fastest way to change how you feel.”
I love that he doesn’t make emotional health complicated.
Breathing, pausing, and gently asking, “What am I actually feeling right now?” can shift everything.
Another line that stayed with me:
“If you can’t name it, you can’t change it.”
That single truth explains so much of why we stay stuck.
When we say “I’m stressed” or “I’m upset,” we stay vague.
But when we say, “I feel overlooked,” “I feel afraid,” “I feel ashamed,” or “I feel disappointed,” something opens. Compassion rises. And we suddenly know what we need.
This book doesn’t tell you to toughen up.
It teaches you how to become emotionally fluent — how to meet yourself with curiosity instead of judgment.
For anyone who grew up stuffing feelings, over-functioning, or trying to stay “strong,” this book feels like permission to finally be honest… and gentle.
Highly recommend. 💛
This book gently but powerfully changed the way I understand my inner world.
For so long, I thought emotional health meant “being positive,” “not overreacting,” or “getting over it.”
Marc Brackett offers something much more compassionate and far more effective:
learning to notice, name, and befriend what we feel.
One of the biggest gifts of this book is how it reframes emotions from something to manage or suppress into something to listen to. Our feelings aren’t the problem — they are the messengers.
Brackett teaches that when we mislabel what we’re feeling, we often choose the wrong response.
Anger, envy, disappointment, grief, and fear may look similar on the surface — but they each call for something different from us. When we get the right word for the right feeling, clarity replaces chaos.
And before we can think clearly, we have to calm our nervous system.
One of my favorite reminders from the book:
“The breath is the fastest way to change how you feel.”
I love that he doesn’t make emotional health complicated.
Breathing, pausing, and gently asking, “What am I actually feeling right now?” can shift everything.
Another line that stayed with me:
“If you can’t name it, you can’t change it.”
That single truth explains so much of why we stay stuck.
When we say “I’m stressed” or “I’m upset,” we stay vague.
But when we say, “I feel overlooked,” “I feel afraid,” “I feel ashamed,” or “I feel disappointed,” something opens. Compassion rises. And we suddenly know what we need.
This book doesn’t tell you to toughen up.
It teaches you how to become emotionally fluent — how to meet yourself with curiosity instead of judgment.
For anyone who grew up stuffing feelings, over-functioning, or trying to stay “strong,” this book feels like permission to finally be honest… and gentle.
Highly recommend. 💛
October 16, 2025
Thank you to NetGalley, Marc Brackett and Macmillan Audio for this eARC in exchange for an honest review.
Where do I even start? This book is packed with so much valuable insight, it can be a lot to absorb at once. I’d definitely recommend tackling it chapter by chapter, so you can really take the time to reflect on the ideas, and even think about how they apply to your own life. I’m sure you’ll find at least a few takeaways that will stick with you in the long run.
The author does a fantastic job of highlighting how many of us were never taught emotional regulation and how, even those who are masters of emotions (the author), we still sometimes let our emotions get the best of us. The key takeaway here isn’t that emotions are bad (they’re not), but that we need better tools to process them before they end up controlling us.
One thing that really hit me was how the book touches on the idea of being great at giving advice to others, but not taking it for ourselves. I never realized there was a name for it until I read this! The book even digs into concepts like Solomon’s paradox and self-hatred, offering tools to deal with them. For example, like imagining you’re giving a friend advice about your situation. It makes it so much easier to handle some things when you aren't looking through the lens of yourself.
Honestly, this book is so good! It’s the kind of read that deserves to be revisited over and over again. I’ve already thought of a few people I’d love to share it with. If you’re looking for something that’ll help you grow emotionally and mentally, I highly recommend giving this a read. At least once, if not more!
Where do I even start? This book is packed with so much valuable insight, it can be a lot to absorb at once. I’d definitely recommend tackling it chapter by chapter, so you can really take the time to reflect on the ideas, and even think about how they apply to your own life. I’m sure you’ll find at least a few takeaways that will stick with you in the long run.
The author does a fantastic job of highlighting how many of us were never taught emotional regulation and how, even those who are masters of emotions (the author), we still sometimes let our emotions get the best of us. The key takeaway here isn’t that emotions are bad (they’re not), but that we need better tools to process them before they end up controlling us.
One thing that really hit me was how the book touches on the idea of being great at giving advice to others, but not taking it for ourselves. I never realized there was a name for it until I read this! The book even digs into concepts like Solomon’s paradox and self-hatred, offering tools to deal with them. For example, like imagining you’re giving a friend advice about your situation. It makes it so much easier to handle some things when you aren't looking through the lens of yourself.
Honestly, this book is so good! It’s the kind of read that deserves to be revisited over and over again. I’ve already thought of a few people I’d love to share it with. If you’re looking for something that’ll help you grow emotionally and mentally, I highly recommend giving this a read. At least once, if not more!
August 10, 2025
I just finished Dealing with Feeling by Marc Brackett and here are my thoughts.
This book came at a welcome time. As a woman with 2 asd kids and an asd husband, emotional regulation is a hard thing to manage here.
I found the book oddly enlightening. I don’t have (I don’t think) issues with emotional regulation but it was interesting to read it from the standpoint of understanding someone else.
I really enjoyed reading about Marc Brackett’s struggles himself and I had no idea that he is the director for Emotional intelligence at the Yale center so clearly he knows a thing or two! It was a really interesting book. As an adult you don’t think about your emotional regulation, you assume you have it until someone else points it out. We aren’t born with it, it’s a learned thing and clearly, thanks to this book, it's not too late to fix it. (Thank FFFFFF)
There’s tips and tricks to help you with your emotional regulation and it’s so well written. It’s relatable and you feel safe being vulnerable as you read. I definitely learned a lot and it will help me help the people I love to find success in their lives.
Thank you to @celadonbooks for my gifted copy
Out in September
#dealingwithyourfeeling #celadonreads #celadonreader #partner #marcbrackett #nonfiction #selfhelp #emotionalregulation #bookalorian #nonfictionreview #bookreview #readersofinstagram #lionessofliteracy #litdulterous #bookishpodcast #booklover
This book came at a welcome time. As a woman with 2 asd kids and an asd husband, emotional regulation is a hard thing to manage here.
I found the book oddly enlightening. I don’t have (I don’t think) issues with emotional regulation but it was interesting to read it from the standpoint of understanding someone else.
I really enjoyed reading about Marc Brackett’s struggles himself and I had no idea that he is the director for Emotional intelligence at the Yale center so clearly he knows a thing or two! It was a really interesting book. As an adult you don’t think about your emotional regulation, you assume you have it until someone else points it out. We aren’t born with it, it’s a learned thing and clearly, thanks to this book, it's not too late to fix it. (Thank FFFFFF)
There’s tips and tricks to help you with your emotional regulation and it’s so well written. It’s relatable and you feel safe being vulnerable as you read. I definitely learned a lot and it will help me help the people I love to find success in their lives.
Thank you to @celadonbooks for my gifted copy
Out in September
#dealingwithyourfeeling #celadonreads #celadonreader #partner #marcbrackett #nonfiction #selfhelp #emotionalregulation #bookalorian #nonfictionreview #bookreview #readersofinstagram #lionessofliteracy #litdulterous #bookishpodcast #booklover
September 17, 2025
As I began reading this guide to learning how to regulate emotions I knew what parts of my life the book would help me the most. I hope by reading this I could work on the ever-evolving dynamic with family as well as socially. Fortunately Dr. Brackett points out in this book that, although us as humans experience a bevy of feelings, “the majority of our emotions don’t need to be regulated”.
Thanks to how we are designed, emotional regulation is mostly on autopilot. However, there are times where emotional regulating is imperative, and reading this book, as well as the doctor’s previous book, Permission To Feel. There is yet one more two at our disposal when it comes to learning about emotional regulation. Dr. bracket has a webcast series on YouTube with the same title as this book.
No matter what your role in life, there are many things to glean while reading this book. The book is full of excellent tips. An example of one is to respond rather than to react. There are also wonderful acronyms to help us to remember important steps when it comes to regulating our emotions.
Reading this book will help the reader to create enjoyable feelings with intent. It also teaches the reader what coregulation is. Or a reference the film “Gaslight” or to teach not to self sabotage our emotions. Definitely an excellent read and a great companion to his first book.
Many thanks to Celadon Books and to NetGalley for this ARC for review. This is my honest opinion.
Thanks to how we are designed, emotional regulation is mostly on autopilot. However, there are times where emotional regulating is imperative, and reading this book, as well as the doctor’s previous book, Permission To Feel. There is yet one more two at our disposal when it comes to learning about emotional regulation. Dr. bracket has a webcast series on YouTube with the same title as this book.
No matter what your role in life, there are many things to glean while reading this book. The book is full of excellent tips. An example of one is to respond rather than to react. There are also wonderful acronyms to help us to remember important steps when it comes to regulating our emotions.
Reading this book will help the reader to create enjoyable feelings with intent. It also teaches the reader what coregulation is. Or a reference the film “Gaslight” or to teach not to self sabotage our emotions. Definitely an excellent read and a great companion to his first book.
Many thanks to Celadon Books and to NetGalley for this ARC for review. This is my honest opinion.
September 3, 2025
As a feeler, I was so excited to receive the ARC 𝑫𝑬𝑨𝑳𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑾𝑰𝑻𝑯 𝑭𝑬𝑬𝑳𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝒃𝒚 𝑴𝒂𝒓𝒄 𝑩𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒕𝒕, 𝑷𝒉𝑫 from @celadonbooks & the audio from @macmillan.audio via @netgalley which is narrated by the author and coming out September 16th.
I have often been told to simply change the way I feel by some force of sheer will if I want to feel something better. That made no sense to me at 7, and now at over 47 (or 8), I still find this difficult. I do understand, however, the underlying message that we do have some control over what we do with feelings when they come.
Dr. Brackett makes this exploration of strategies very accessible as well as making the case that this is an underdeveloped skill which can be practiced.
I honestly found many of the strategies to be familiar, at least in part, to pieces of my faith upbringing. What I really liked was the multiple ways that felt less esoteric and extremely practical. I also really appreciated the openness of how this is not a "5-step process for everyone" kind of manual, rather a collection of ideas from which to draw and find what works for the person and situation.
There will inevitably be issues that will not fall under these umbrellas, but overall, this is a great resource for understanding and gaining a level of control over feelings.
I have often been told to simply change the way I feel by some force of sheer will if I want to feel something better. That made no sense to me at 7, and now at over 47 (or 8), I still find this difficult. I do understand, however, the underlying message that we do have some control over what we do with feelings when they come.
Dr. Brackett makes this exploration of strategies very accessible as well as making the case that this is an underdeveloped skill which can be practiced.
I honestly found many of the strategies to be familiar, at least in part, to pieces of my faith upbringing. What I really liked was the multiple ways that felt less esoteric and extremely practical. I also really appreciated the openness of how this is not a "5-step process for everyone" kind of manual, rather a collection of ideas from which to draw and find what works for the person and situation.
There will inevitably be issues that will not fall under these umbrellas, but overall, this is a great resource for understanding and gaining a level of control over feelings.
October 24, 2025
Thank you to Net Galley and Celadon Books for the advanced reading copy in exchange for my honest review.
Marc Brackett's new work, "Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life you Want," is a very good tool for people who are interested in learning more about the role emotions play in our daily choices. While the concepts are generally not new, Brackett's presentation of the information is easily digestible and practical. He does a great job of drawing attention to how little education and exposure most of us have or had in emotion recognition at all, much less on regulation. This makes it difficult to draw a line from emotional choices to life outcomes. The book is great at reminding us how essential it is to constantly work on our emotional intelligence.
One thing that I would have liked to see included in the strategies is dealing with online time/social media. That's probably a whole other topic, but it seems almost as important as regulating our nutrition and sleep, for example.
Overall, I highly recommend this book for its accessible presentation of information, writing style, research, and practical tools that readers can incorporate immediately.
Marc Brackett's new work, "Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life you Want," is a very good tool for people who are interested in learning more about the role emotions play in our daily choices. While the concepts are generally not new, Brackett's presentation of the information is easily digestible and practical. He does a great job of drawing attention to how little education and exposure most of us have or had in emotion recognition at all, much less on regulation. This makes it difficult to draw a line from emotional choices to life outcomes. The book is great at reminding us how essential it is to constantly work on our emotional intelligence.
One thing that I would have liked to see included in the strategies is dealing with online time/social media. That's probably a whole other topic, but it seems almost as important as regulating our nutrition and sleep, for example.
Overall, I highly recommend this book for its accessible presentation of information, writing style, research, and practical tools that readers can incorporate immediately.
September 17, 2025
This book was genuinely eye-opening for me, on the same level as Breath by James Nestor in terms of being game-changing in the way I think about something essential but often overlooked. Marc Brackett does an excellent job explaining the science of emotional regulation and showing how we can learn to work with our feelings rather than be ruled by them.
What I especially appreciated was his honesty. Even as an “expert,” he openly admits to stumbling and making mistakes along the way. That made the concepts more relatable and reminded me that emotional regulation isn’t about perfection, but practice.
That said, I didn’t love the personal stories woven throughout. While I understand why they’re included—to make the material more human and approachable—they just didn’t resonate with me and sometimes disrupted the flow. I found myself wishing they had been presented differently, though I’m not entirely sure how.
Overall, this is a thoughtful, practical, and empowering book. The reminders to pause, reflect and use emotions as information rather than enemies will stick with me for a long time.
What I especially appreciated was his honesty. Even as an “expert,” he openly admits to stumbling and making mistakes along the way. That made the concepts more relatable and reminded me that emotional regulation isn’t about perfection, but practice.
That said, I didn’t love the personal stories woven throughout. While I understand why they’re included—to make the material more human and approachable—they just didn’t resonate with me and sometimes disrupted the flow. I found myself wishing they had been presented differently, though I’m not entirely sure how.
Overall, this is a thoughtful, practical, and empowering book. The reminders to pause, reflect and use emotions as information rather than enemies will stick with me for a long time.
September 17, 2025
I thoroughly enjoyed reading Dr. Marc Brackett’s previous book Permission To Feel, and was super excited to have the opportunity to read his new book Dealing With Feeling. I absolutely love books that help us better understand, and connect with our human psyche, emotions and offer real solutions on how to deal with the challenges that we face in our everyday lives. Dealing With Feeling does that in such an intelligent and thoughtful way. A huge thank you to Celadon Books for the advanced copy of the book.
Dealing With Feeling is an exceptionally honest, compelling, eye opening and very necessary book, especially in today’s climate when we are so distracted by everything that’s happening in our daily lives, and throughout the world. We are always completely depleted by the noise, chaos, and now more than ever it truly seems that we are disconnected from one another. These things can make it difficult to deal with our emotions and hinder our behaviors.
Dr. Brackett really explains and gives us the tools to learn how to regulate our feelings whether they’re good or bad, which is conducive to our success in all aspects of life. Dealing With Feeling can help all of us learn how to become healthier versions of ourselves and lead more successful lives. This brilliantly written book is one that everyone needs to read.
Dealing With Feeling is an exceptionally honest, compelling, eye opening and very necessary book, especially in today’s climate when we are so distracted by everything that’s happening in our daily lives, and throughout the world. We are always completely depleted by the noise, chaos, and now more than ever it truly seems that we are disconnected from one another. These things can make it difficult to deal with our emotions and hinder our behaviors.
Dr. Brackett really explains and gives us the tools to learn how to regulate our feelings whether they’re good or bad, which is conducive to our success in all aspects of life. Dealing With Feeling can help all of us learn how to become healthier versions of ourselves and lead more successful lives. This brilliantly written book is one that everyone needs to read.
August 21, 2025
Thanks Celadon for my #gifted copy. My thoughts are my own.
Regulating how you respond to your emotions is an integral piece to success, as laid out by Brackett. We don’t get to decide what happens to us, but we do decide how we respond; we can learn to understand what we are feeling and use it wisely to get the desired outcome for a more fulfilling existence. This is a very basic primer introducing the reader to these concepts, and walking them through how it works. I would say that this would be an excellent read for readers who are easily overwhelmed by their emotions, or those who have difficulty identifying their feelings and need a few building blocks to start with. Brackett's prose is very approachable and framed so that the average individual can engage with the concept, making it broadly readable. His expertise is evident, but he uses a lot of examples and case studies to illustrate every step.
Regulating how you respond to your emotions is an integral piece to success, as laid out by Brackett. We don’t get to decide what happens to us, but we do decide how we respond; we can learn to understand what we are feeling and use it wisely to get the desired outcome for a more fulfilling existence. This is a very basic primer introducing the reader to these concepts, and walking them through how it works. I would say that this would be an excellent read for readers who are easily overwhelmed by their emotions, or those who have difficulty identifying their feelings and need a few building blocks to start with. Brackett's prose is very approachable and framed so that the average individual can engage with the concept, making it broadly readable. His expertise is evident, but he uses a lot of examples and case studies to illustrate every step.
September 17, 2025
Marc Brackett’s Dealing with Feeling is an insightful and practical guide to understanding and regulating emotions. Building on his earlier work in Permission to Feel, Brackett emphasizes that no emotion is “bad.” He also shows how even the toughest feelings can be turned into useful signals. He gives clear explanations, real-life stories, and simple exercises, and makes the science of emotional intelligence both approachable and actionable to everyday readers.
What sets this book apart is its balance of warmth and practicality. The worksheets and prompts encourage readers to move beyond theory and practice new ways of responding to their emotions—though this may take some effort to sustain. Still, the message is empowering: our feelings don’t have to control us. Instead, they can guide us toward stronger relationships, wiser choices, and a more fulfilling life.
What sets this book apart is its balance of warmth and practicality. The worksheets and prompts encourage readers to move beyond theory and practice new ways of responding to their emotions—though this may take some effort to sustain. Still, the message is empowering: our feelings don’t have to control us. Instead, they can guide us toward stronger relationships, wiser choices, and a more fulfilling life.
October 8, 2025
I really enjoyed reading Dealing With Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want
by Marc Brackett. I received a free ARC copy from Celadon Books.
There is so much useful information in this book. It's really opened my eyes on so many things. It's amazing how everything from food to sleep to thinking and childhood effect both our mental and physical health. This book not only discusses problems that we may have with our emotions, but also the science behind why, and how to correct them ourselves. The author also gives plenty of examples and situations from his personal life. I think this book is especially beneficial for parents and teachers. A lot of learned behaviors start from childhood and knowing how to approach issues when they arrive can be so good for our children's development. I would definitely recommend reading. #DealingWithFeeling
by Marc Brackett. I received a free ARC copy from Celadon Books.
There is so much useful information in this book. It's really opened my eyes on so many things. It's amazing how everything from food to sleep to thinking and childhood effect both our mental and physical health. This book not only discusses problems that we may have with our emotions, but also the science behind why, and how to correct them ourselves. The author also gives plenty of examples and situations from his personal life. I think this book is especially beneficial for parents and teachers. A lot of learned behaviors start from childhood and knowing how to approach issues when they arrive can be so good for our children's development. I would definitely recommend reading. #DealingWithFeeling
August 5, 2025
I love reading about emotional intelligence. I remember learning about it in grad school, and it’s grown so much more since then. Dr. Marc Brackett is the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. How you handle your feelings impacts much of the success in your life, including your career and relationships. Feelings are huge, and we don’t talk about them enough.
Did you know that emotion regulation isn’t something you just inherit? It’s learned, and we all have to learn and practice it. Dealing with Feeling is an empowering resource into building emotion regulation. I highly recommend it for all readers.
I received a gifted copy.
Many of my reviews can also be found on my blog: www.jennifertarheelreader.com and instagram: www.instagram.com/tarheelreader
Did you know that emotion regulation isn’t something you just inherit? It’s learned, and we all have to learn and practice it. Dealing with Feeling is an empowering resource into building emotion regulation. I highly recommend it for all readers.
I received a gifted copy.
Many of my reviews can also be found on my blog: www.jennifertarheelreader.com and instagram: www.instagram.com/tarheelreader
August 13, 2025
If you’ve ever felt like your emotions are running the show—whether that’s being overly sensitive, guilt-ridden, sarcastic, friendly, or just feeling “not good enough”—Dealing with Feeling might be your new favorite read.
This book dives into emotional intelligence with a refreshing mix of honesty and practicality. It reminds us that emotion regulation isn’t some magical talent you’re born with—it’s a skill you can learn and then practice for the rest of your life. The author’s own struggles make it relatable, and the tips and mindset shifts are both eye-opening and doable. It’s empowering, enlightening, and surprisingly fun for a book about feelings. Highly recommend for, well… everyone.
This book dives into emotional intelligence with a refreshing mix of honesty and practicality. It reminds us that emotion regulation isn’t some magical talent you’re born with—it’s a skill you can learn and then practice for the rest of your life. The author’s own struggles make it relatable, and the tips and mindset shifts are both eye-opening and doable. It’s empowering, enlightening, and surprisingly fun for a book about feelings. Highly recommend for, well… everyone.
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