Holy shit (literally). This book is riveting. It is a fictional novel based on the life of a guy named Jesus who is one badass motherfucker. The book chronicles some of his totally rad and awesome adventures, such as turning water into wine and coming out of a cave after he died! Any lover of fictional adventure books such as harry potter will love this book. It does have some slower parts, but it picks right back up every couple of chapters (the chapters are creatively named after people!). Also, I learned a lot from this book. It had some good messages, such as how killing and being gay are wrong! Happy reading!
As nothing more than a piece of literature, this isn't even a good book. As a basis for religion, life, and/or government, it's dangerous. The entire Old Testament is filled to the brim with outrageous fiction and illustration after illustration of a diety who can't make up his mind, doesn't think rationally and is ruled by emotion, and reigns down punishment on beings he created, knowing that the very composition of their beings would lead them away from his will. This diety created two imperfect beings and set temptation directly in front of them and when they disobeyed him, he was angry and told them to go make more of themselves. When they did, he got angry with how disobedient they were and wiped them all out through extremely elaborate, ineffective means on more than one occasion...well, almost all. Nobody even knows who wrote the books of the Old Testament or exactly when they were written but they take them as absolute, inerrant fact passed down from the mouth of god himself.
The Gospels of the New Testament are nothing more than an illustration of a diety playing the part of a neglectful, absentee parent who, again through extremely elaborate and ineffective means, attempted to "get back in touch" with his creations using a middle-man. The letters from Paul that comprise pretty much the remainder of the New Testament are nothing more than the narrative of a mass-murderer who never even met the man over whom he spent so much time raving. Who wrote Revelation? Nobody knows, although there's plenty of speculation. Have the prophecies in Revelation come to pass? Nobody knows, because everybody has interpreted them a different way. Oh sure, I could write something cryptic on a piece of paper about two women being pregnant with the same baby and eventually something would happen where I could twist my words just enough to prove my statement. But that wouldn't make it fact.
If you want to read a book, don't bother with this one. If you want a basis for belief, just look around you and think for yourself. If you want to be a sheep and ignore the logic and reason inside that brain that *god* gave you, this is your book!
I got my first Bible in 1974 and have been reading the Bible nearly daily since then. I have at least six Bibles. Two of them are falling apart, I've read them so much. God has such a great sense of humor. Whatever page I turn to, there is a message of what I need that day. I was born three months premature and the doctors did not expect me to live. Prayer made the difference. I cannot get through a day without prayer; I do not know how anyone does. The Bible helps me through the worst times in my life. I highly recommend it to anyone who is Christian. I highly recommend the Torah or the Koran to anyone who professes to be one of the other major religions in the world. By reading the Bible, one gains peace. If we as individuals are peace filled, we might bring peace to others in our world and peace to our world. It's worth a try!
Very unsatisfying fantasy novel. Awful writing, unconvincing and poorly thought out world design, undeveloped or pathetically two-dimensional characters, lack of suspense. Various narrators present accounts that neither correspond well nor create an interesting divergence of point of view where they disagree - the inconsistencies are so poorly used as a storytelling device that they almost appear accidental. Many sections, such as Leviticus, read like the Cetacea chapter of Moby Dick, only worse. The book's only saving grace is its ending; while as disjointed and confused as the rest of the novel, some the lines take on a quality of a haunting semi-poetry that does deserve some recognition. All in all, difficult to get through and neither provocative nor informative, would not recommend.
lack of smut left me.... disappointed. this is NOT the cute enemies to lovers that i was told it would be. jesus, despite literally kissing judas on the cheek, did not get the message and instead died willingly instead of fucking judas.
I have studied and read parts of the Bible throughout my life. However, I was never able to read the Bible from beginning to end. I failed each time I tried. I had even tried various Bible reading plans. I think what I lacked at that time was commitment.
Well last year about this time I tried again. This time I set time aside for devotion and Bible reading, each morning. I placed my Bible and computer on my nightstand. I used the Our Daily Bread webpage for devotion. It is a very short read with Bible passages. The site also had a Bible reading plan which I followed.
I found that using the Bible Gateway webpage for Bible reading helpful. One can also listen to an audio Bible as you read, the New International Version.
I intend to keep using this plan, since I don’t believe one reading was enough for me to have a spiritual understanding of all that I read. I feel blessed to have had an opportunity to accomplish this goal.
The Holy Bible is a fictional historical epic with elements of fantasy, and the supernatural in general. Epic is a word not out of place here, for the Holy Bible is indeed a very hefty read. There are actually various versions of the texts, the Hebrew and the Christian. I will talk about the Christian edition here, so when I say Holy Bible I will refer to it.
The Holy Bible is primarily divided into two big chapters; the first is called the Old Testament, and the other the New Testament. Each of the two Testaments has its own subchapters, with the latter in reality being a spin-off of the former. The Bible does not have a plot, in the real sense of the word. In fact, it is much like Tolkien's "Silmarillion" which could be basically seen as an improved, and definitely more interesting version of the Bible.
The central character in the Old Testament is a supernatural being referred to as God, or Yahweh. It is set in an alternate reality where he creates the world and humanity. What we basically follow are the lives of various humans and their adventures throughout a long span of time, in which God plays an active part.
In the spin-off, the New Testament, the main hero becomes a lowly carpenter, and allegedly the son of God, by the name of Jesus. Even though ordinary in appearance, Jesus has magical powers and is in fact himself considered a deity. He decides to travel around the world, gathering disciples, much to the annoyance of the ruling Romans which do not look lightly upon it - they fear this mysterious wizard Jesus that came out of nowhere could be a threat to them. In this part of the Bible, God plays only a minor role, appearing only in specific instances crucial to the advancement of the plot.
Although from the plot summary, it may seem that the Bible is indeed and intrigue-filled and exciting read, it is not. There are so many problems with it I don't know where to begin.
First, and most important of all, the writing style and verbosity are piss-poor. In all honesty, it is style-wise a literal abomination. There are many, many repetitions in the narrative, and the story is conveyed in an almost childish form of sequential expression, like "Character A did this. Then he said: "blah blah". Then character B went there and did something else." Believe me, it gets tedious very, very fast. Not to say, it is at times so convoluted, it'll make your brains hurt.
There is also very little to no character development, let alone character descriptions. People and deities pop out of the blue, enter abruptly, and leave even more so. In addition, about 80% of the characters are total fillers, sons of sons of sons mentioned in name only and holding no relevance to the story. You know a book is bad when all you know about your main hero is his name; you simply cannot connect with him, or any other, for that matter.
The exact same issues are with locales. Not a word of the surroundings, and basically you have no idea how the world the story takes place looks like.
Besides, there are obvious inconsistencies even within the small amount of development present. For example, it is said that God is an all powerful, merciful supreme being on a higher state of evolution unfathomable to our puny minds. You would assume that if such a being indeed existed, it would have advanced beyond petty human concerns and concepts such as revenge, jealousy, egoism or hate. Well, despite his alleged kindheartedness, all this God does is throw threats at his subjects, and then proceeds to punish them in many painful ways - often condemning whole generations for the supposed sins of one man or woman. He demands unquestionable obedience and even gives an ultimatum - live your life as I command, or forever face eternal torment in a horrendous place called Hell. Basically, God is the ultimate opportunist: he will aid you only if it will somehow benefit him in the future. If not, he won't move a finger (and there is likely a chance he'll put a curse on you for bothering him).
He is also quite bloodthirsty: in the case of two brothers, Cain and Abel, for example, he shunned Cain's tribute consisting of products of the land (fruits and such), while he looked very kindly upon Abel's blood sacrifice in the form of slaughtered animals. As the story develops, God, more or less directly, is responsible for several genocides and other criminal acts.
In the spin-off, the New Testament, there is a blatant occurrence of a shortage of ideas. There, the course of Jesus' life is accounted by four different writers with minimal differences. So, you could say, you get the same event re-told four times. I mean, really, shame on you.
Although there are many battles and action scenes (I said before the book covers a very great time span), they are written no better than the rest of this shlock. Overall, a serious rewrite is needed if this is ever going to become at least a somewhat enjoyable read.
And it is simply mind-boggling, that despite its major flaws, and almost no redeeming quality, this "literary" piece is regarded in such a high esteem. The farce goes even further, and the Bible is officially the world's #1 bestseller of all times, having sold billions of copies worldwide.
Avoid this by all means; read Tolkien instead.
UPDATE (January 8th 2021)
Wow, this review is 10 years old and I've never realized there were so many comments here! Just, wow! Many people wishing me well, or condemning me to hell and praying for my soul. I'm touched.
With this being by far my most popular review, I felt compelled to offer a disclaimer of sorts on it.
This "review" was, in fact, written as a joke. I presume that's obvious. I do, however, think that the Bible is (from a purely literary standpoint) an abysmal piece of literature, awful style, awful characterization, awful everything. It should be re-written by competent authors, and could use copious amounts of proper and stern editing.
Personally, I am in fact a Christian, Roman-Catholic to be precise. Was baptized, had my First Communion and Eucharist, the whole thing.
I've never practiced my faith, though, and I have zero desire to do so. I go to church when social situations demand so (like (weddings or funerals), but I find no comfort, solace or peace in the notion of an all-powerful, vengeful, spiteful and unbelievably petty God. Instead, I look for inspiration in books, music, movies, art, philosophy, science, nature, my friends and family, my wife, ... - and this is what moves me forward. I try to be the best person I can towards those around me, not because of a promise of paradise when I die, but because it's the decent - and human! - thing to do.
But hey, if organized religion is something you enjoy, more power to you!
P. S. I still think that you'd be better of reading Tolkien than the Bible, though.
The Bible, Hmm, how do you review God's Word? people have attacked it, scientists have expended their best energies trying to disprove it, governments have butchered millions to kill it, bu it remains 'For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail, but if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.'
It would be an understatement to say that this book changed my life. Knowing this book and its author is my life. Just today I read Psalms 81 and Romans 5 and it breathed life and mystery into me for my day. I have learned to better love the Saviour and hero of this book, Jesus Christ, and what my identity and life is in him. I would say that this book best compares to the food and water that we need for our bodies. In the same way we desire more food and drink throughout our day, so in the same way I thirst for the words of this book and the author of them. it is also interesting to learn how many people have died for the preservation, diginity, and spreading of this powerful book. What makes it so consuming and dangerous? What compels people to die for it? It is simply a beautiful book that can change the hearts of men and women.
It's the Bible, aka God's Word, aka the best and most influential book ever written. What more do I need to say?
EDIT: This is my umpteenth time reading through the Good Book in a year's time...and I plan on doing it again next year and every year after that!
ANOTHER EDIT: My church declared 2018 the year of the Bible, and encouraged us all to do a yearly reading plan that ended today; I just completed it minutes ago! Lord willing, I'll do a (different) yearly plan in 2019...and as long as I'm alive and able to do so!
YET ANOTHER EDIT: I did a plan that took me through the Psalms twice, and Proverbs, the rest of the Old Testament, and the entire New Testament once. It was tough to stick to, especially when I was having tech problems...but, I did it! I'm doing yet another plan in 2020!
ONE MORE EDIT: Another year, another trip through the Bible. This year, it was tough to stick to my plan with everything going on...but, I did it! I’ll start another plan on New Year’s Day!
Marx said religion was the opiate of the masses, it's more like religion is the skirts feebleminded people hide behind to flee from personal responsibility and thought.
Sad this bunch of dross inspired so much violence and hatred through the centuries and still does.
ETA: Had to read this again for summer 2009 class - it's even more unbelievable to me after a refresher that anyone could believe one word of this and think it's the word of anything but humans bent on building a power base. the Old Testament doesn't even pretend there aren't "other gods" at the time of Jehovah's attack on every poor soul who happened to live where he wanted the tribes of Israel to settle. It's basically a chronicle of how some bumpkins who had the attention span of a fly were bullied and forced into mass murder so one "god" could become famous and powerful.
A strange piece of fan fiction. Disjointed plotline. Very long. The magical elements are pretty dubious and disinteresting. All powerful demigod and the dude feeds people with fish? Weak. That'd be like Wolverine opting to use his claws purely for woodworking purposes. Harry Potter is better.
Note, Jan. 18, 2017: I edited this review just now to correct a typo.
I've read the Bible multiple times, and intend to keep on reading it for the rest of my life. I know it to be God's communication to humanity, written by men under the guidance of His Spirit, and revealing His nature, His love, His plans for the universe and for our salvation, and the principles by which we should live. It's a bedrock foundation of truth on which to build our lives.
Ok so I read it and found that Jesus was a bit of a drama queen. He was really self centred and like go gurrl love ur self but at the same time, too much confidence for sad ass looking man. Definitely has daddy issues his dad being god. He might be gay but idk. Now about virgin Marie. GURRLLL ur no virgin, clearly u had a child in u so not a virgin dummy. So I recommend it if ur into Christian stuff but I definitely preferred peppa pig goes to the mountain in terms of plot and character développement. Little shout out to peppa and George love u queens oink oink ;)
How does one rate the Bible? Honestly. I’ve just spent the past 20 minutes reading GR reviews. The glowing reviews made me laugh (oh you, lol). The bad reviews made me laugh (oh you, lol).
I’ve only ever read translations, so I can’t rightfully give it 5 stars. And I’m not interested in learning a foreign language for the sole purpose of reading it, so I probably never will give it 5 stars. But it has been around for a very long time and most of the books published in the world don’t have that kind of staying power, so I think it deserves more than 1 or 2 stars, even if you don't agree with what's inside it.
So anyway, I’ve settled on 4. I haven’t touched a Bible in ages (aside from dusting it off) but I have read this book in its entirety, both for personal and educational reasons—I went to a private college where we were all required to take a class called “The Bible.” It was actually one of the more interesting classes I’ve ever taken because even though it was taught by a Lutheran pastor, we were studying the events from a historical perspective rather than from a religious standpoint. It was fascinating.
Over-long, disjointed, repetitive in the extreme. The main character, 'God', is poorly sketched out by the anonymous author, and his supposed motivations are often contrary to his actions (showing his 'love' by acts of genocide). By the time the narrative shifts to the Roman occupation of Judea the author has given up all attempts at generating new material and repeats the same narrative 4 times in a row. Lazy.
The final section, 'Revelation', reads like the ramblings of someone who has been eating too much of the moss that grows on his cell wall.
The only book to CHANGE the course of my life. To give me hope, something to feed on, something to guide me when I am lost, something to make me cry, fills me with awe, helps me find words to express and pray
This was my Bible version from my teens until mid 20's and is therefore covered in colourful stickers and scrawled writing. It provides a good middle ground between versions like New American Standard Version (NASB) and English Standard Version (ESV) and versions like The Message and The Good News Bible or even The Street Bible.
The former options are more accurate to the original text so I switched to NASB some years ago, however, if I'm struggling to concentrate I sometimes return to my trusty NIV which makes for simpler reading. I do not agree with those who dismiss it as a paraphrase. However, I would caution those adults who use the latter versions (The Message etc) as their primary devotional Bible.
I am wary of making too much of Bible versions being aware that there are those who subscribe to King James Version only and who think that other versions are somehow irreverent or misleading. Some have become so focused on this as to lose perspective about what is important.
My own view is that we should all be reading the most accurate translation that we can understand and apply to our lives. What is the point in persevering with a dated text using words that are no longer familiar when we have more modern translations that are accurate that we can understand more easily?
Really interesting, but it tries to hard to be enlightening, the plot moves at a "Lost moses in desert pace" and the prose is a little dull. I am however, looking forward to the authors next work Bible 2: The Son Returns.