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400 pages, ebook
First published June 30, 2017
"Everything sucks, life is pain, you don't even know me, so why are you still here? Stop talking already, jeez! Get out of my room, like, NOW!"God, he was awesome and I'm praying that he plays a very large part in the books yet to come. T.J. totally had fourteen (hundred) year old adolescent angst down when writing Zero, let me tell you.
“Does he always have to be shirtless?” Ryan asked. “Does he own shirts? I can give him one of mine. Probably would be too big on him. Because I’m bigger than he is. So my shirts would be too.”I really enjoyed "A Destiny of Dragons", which was more of a slow simmering giggle-fest vs. the all out snort-fest in "The Lightning-Struck Heart." TLSH was still my favorite, but zero way would I feel any justification in penalizing Destiny rating-wise, just because it's *not* exactly like TLSH.
“It’s embarrassing to witness, isn’t it?” Gary said to Tiggy.
“No self-awareness,” Tiggy agreed.
“I didn’t do it this time,” Kevin said, head stuck through an open window. “It would have felt a little repetitious. Lord knows people hate repetition.” He frowned. “But then they’ll also complain when something wasn’t exactly the same as it was before. I really don’t get humans.”So yes, this was *different*. But also partially *the same*, too. And completely 100% worthy of my full 5-star rating.
“When the time comes, he will call upon my brethren five. He will allow their voices to be heard. The white. The fire. The two-snow.” The dragon wrinkled its nose in disgust. “The… Kevin.”
“I’m a little lost,” I told them. “Maybe more than I think I am. I don’t…. I knew my place. I knew what was expected of me. Do this, Sam. Learn this, Sam. I’m going to monologue at your face after I’ve captured you for some stupid reason, Sam. There was good. And there was evil. And nothing in between. I am a good guy. I know I am. And I try to do what’s right. Always. Even if it hurts.” I sighed. “Why does this all feel so wrong, then?”
“Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn’t be so good at eating my ear.”
“Eating your ear. Gods, Sam, way to make that sound erotic.”
“I didn’t know we were going for erotic. I can do that if you like. I’ve been practicing. Oh, side of beef, put your mouth hole back on my hearing hole and eat it out. That’s the ticket.”
He leaned back, face twisted up in a grimace. “Mouth hole?”
I shrugged. “My erotic writings are intended for a specific audience.”
“A dead one?”
“Well. I guess it’s… it’s the moment, you know, when you wake up first in the morning. You open your eyes and your thoughts are muddled. You’re still partly asleep and you’re warm and don’t want to move, but you know you have to get up anyway. So you stretch and it feels good, but your arm hits something next to you and you look over and… there he is. Still asleep. And it’s the first clear thought you have, and you think, Hello. Hello there. Hi. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad you’re next to me. And then for some reason, he must feel you watching him, because he wakes up too, you know? And he’s blinking and looks all soft and beautiful and then he sees you and he smiles. Like all it takes for him to be the happiest he’s ever been is to see you there. Next to him. That’s… that’s what’s so great about it. That’s what it feels like.”
"I might have written an ode to his penis in iambic pentameter that goes on for forty-seven stanzas."
I have said it before and I am saying it again... TJ Klune must possess some kind of magic himself. Once again he has left me in awe...
Please go do it now, you will thank me later.
I won't go into the storyline too much in this review. I think it's best to just go in blind and enjoy everything for yourself.
And smash him like Tiggy would do.
He really used his posing skills in this book.
Now Sam and his friends have to get ready because Sam has a destiny to fulfill.
It doesn't end in a major cliffhanger, but a small one. This is after all only the start of the "DESTINY FUCK YEAH! Trilogy".
(because sometimes, having a destiny is the stupidest thing ever) <3
This review has been posted on Dirty Books Obsession Dirty Books Obsession
I was still only an apprentice. I was still only twenty-one years old. But I could do things that no one else could do. And even though I was sure all the stories spoken about me weren’t true, it would hopefully add to whatever legend of me they’d built in their heads. Morgan had taught me it was better to have people fear you a little than be indifferent toward you. I had never really understood what he’d meant until that moment.
“It’s a lot to take in for anyone,” Morgan said. “To find out you have some prophecy hanging over your head.”
“Anyway,” Gary said. “This whole prophecy thing. Maybe it’s made up. Maybe it’s not. Maybe a star dragon did come out of the sky and tell your crazy grandma that you were going to be born and do some shit, or whatever it said.”
“Save the world from falling into darkness?” I said, trying not to be amused but failing miserably.
“Right,” Gary said dismissively. “Saving the world and stuff. Maybe it’s true and maybe it isn’t. But you know what is true?”
He looked right at me, eyes impossibly wide and glistening. “You’ll always have us by your side,” he whispered.
“He will die, Sam. The one you love.”
“It’s inevitable,” Vadoma said. “The passing. You are a wizard, Sam. Your life… is not your own. The magic in you. It will prolong your years until most everyone you love has passed through the veil and ascended to the beyond. Randall is almost seven centuries old. Morgan almost three. Their cornerstones. They… learned from them what they could. They loved them deep in their hearts. And then the time came in which they had to say goodbye. Because cornerstones are just a beginning, Sam. They build you toward becoming what you’re supposed to be. And then you have to let them go. And when they don’t have magic in their veins, when they’re ordinary, you will lose them sooner.”
“Nope,” Gary said. “Fuck no. Fuck this whole thing. Fuck you. Fuck them. Fuck this place. Gary out.”
“I have awoken, O human child. In this forest deep, in the dark of the wild. And I have seen what is in your heart. Take heed of my warning: you are not ready. ”
“A warning. All of you will not survive until the end. There will be loss, Sam. And it will burn like nothing has ever burned before. You must remember to keep to the light, even when the dark begins to curl around your feet.”
“Sam,” he said quietly. “What are you going to do?”
When I spoke, my voice was strong, more so than I expected it to be. “I’ve got a douchebag monologuing villain whose ass I need to kick, a kingdom to save, and a godsdamned destiny of dragons to face. You can sure as shit bet I’m going to do everything I have to.”
Prophecies, no matter who they come from, no matter what they say, are never written in stone. You can change the future, Sam. No matter what anyone else says, nothing is set in stone. You are your own destiny.
“Fuck dragons,” Gary said. “You’ve got a destiny of dick ahead of you.”
“And then there’s Kevin. Who is also a dragon.”
“Kevin,” I snorted, trying to cover my unease. “If you could even call him that. He’s more like a perverted lizard with wings.”
“We’re probably about to see unnecessary displays of testosterone,” Gary said. “And it’s going to be glorious.”
I wondered what the hell they were talking about until Ryan muttered, “He could have at least put on more clothes before coming in. And why can’t he walk like a normal person? Is he trying to have sex with the air? Who does that?”
You are not ready, the Great White had said.,
There will be loss, the star dragon had said.
Fuck them all.
I was Sam of Wilds.
And I was going to face my godsdamned destiny
“Only I can. It takes a discipline that you can’t even begin to understand. Also, I’m old and it’s easier. You’re young and stupid, so it’s your own fault you get captured. It’s best to let you stew on it so you can hopefully learn from your mistakes. Hasn’t happened yet, though I’ve still got some hope.”
Prophecies, no matter who they come from, no matter what they say, are never written in stone. You can change the future. No matter what anyone else says, nothing is set in stone. You are your own destiny.
“Unless Sam of Wilds gathers the dragons of Verania, the world will fall into darkness and all will be lost.”
You won’t take them from me.
The lightning struck me, entering through my head, snapping across my brain, down the back of my neck until it settled in my chest, wrapping itself around my heart. It was mine, and it’d always been there, but this was the first time I’d actually called it to myself, however unconsciously.
”Most of the wishes you’ve made upon us didn’t come true.”
“Well, yeah. But they are not supposed to.”
“How do you figure that, Sam?”
“It’s not how wishing works. If we got everthing we ever wished for, we wouldn’t have the capacity to be thankful for all the things we’d already been given. I've got so much already. I don’t ever want to lose sight of why it’s important.”
“And you wonder why you were chosen,” the star dragon said.
He leaned in and kissed me, slow and sweet as molasses. And I took everything he was giving me and gave back as much as I could. Because that's what we did for each other. He might have been my cornerstone, but I wanted to be the same for him, even if he didn't have the magic I did.
“Oh my gods," Gary groaned from behind us. "Would you two just go fuck already? This is so godsdamned disturbing to watch. It's like you're face-fucking me with a dick made of sugar. Stop it. You stop it right now and go fornicate before the rest of us get sucked into your black hole of love.”
“You remember when we shattered my virginity? Well, I latched on to you like a barnacle after that. I’m slowly sucking the life out of you, because I’m never going to let you go.” “Do you ever get the feeling like we failed as parents?” Dad asked Mom.
Because sometimes, the power of love is greater than an oath could ever be. And as soon as the knight saw the boy standing near him on his wedding day, he realized that some things are meant to be broken so that others could be made whole.
And then they fucked.
Holy shit, did they fuck. In so many godsdammed positions, it wasn't even funny. It shouldn't have been possible, some of the ways they were able to bend. This one time, the boy took the knight up against the wall and just railed into him and-
"Really, Sam?" Morgan of Shadows said, face in his hands. "This is what you've spent your time on?"
To be fair, though, I thought future generations should be aware of just how much sex I was having and who I was having it with so they could completely understand me as a person and realize how awesome I was. There were even pornographic stick figure drawings in the margins that illustrated my prowess.
"Yes, well, there's nothing wrong with having a heathy libido," I said, trying to figure out if I should write the time I sat on Ryan's face or if I should maybe go to church a little bit more. It really could have gone either way.
He didn't look pleased at such a prospect. "How much more does it go on?"
Pages upon pages. "Oh. Um. Not long."
"Sam." Only he could say my name with so much exasperation and fondness all at the same time. It was really quite remarkable.
"I might have written an ode to his penis in iambic pentameter that goes on for forty-seven stanzas," I admitted. "I feel better now that I've said that out loud."
"Of course you did." Morgan sighed.
"Did you know that penis doesn't rhyme with as many things as one might think? That was a lesson I learned far too late."
"Oddly enough, I don't spend time trying to rhyme words with penis."
"Wow," I said. "You put a lot of disdain in such a short sentence. I wish I could do that."
"It comes with recent experience," he said dryly.
"I'll get there, I'm sure."
"Of that I have no doubt."
The King was a barrel-chested man with long flowing white hair that fell on his broad shoulders and a kickass mustache that I had to hear Gary wax poetically about at least once or twice a week. Granted, it wasn't that much of a hardship, and if I'd met the King in another life, I'd probably have no problem in calling him Daddy.
Not that I told anyone that.
Except for Gary and Tiggy, because let's be honest, I told them everything.
Which, of course, meant they told the King. In the middle of him hosting a dinner with all his heads of state. To say the silence that followed was shocking would be an understatement. Morgan's face had been in his hands, the King smiled widely, all the while Ryan looked like he was conflicted about his duty to protect the King versus wanting to demand they fight for my honor right then and there. The sex had been really good that night. With Ryan. Not with the King. I couldn't even look at the King without blushing for the six weeks that followed, especially when he would wink at me every time he saw me.
He wasn't winking now, though.
"I don't know why I have to get shoved in that blasted room like that," he said, looking adorably irate. "I have a sword, Morgan. A sword. It's very large, I'll have you know. Many people think so."
"I bet he does," Gary whispered near my ear. "Probably takes two hands just to hold it up and everything."
"It does seem like it'd be pretty big," I mused.
"Mine's bigger," Ryan said with a frown. "I measured."
Gary snickered as I patted Ryan on the shoulder. "Of course it is."
"My liege," Ryan started, only to be interrupted when Gary sneezed a sound remarkably close to "Kiss-ass."
I punched Gary in the throat. "Let him do his job," I hissed at him.
"Oh, please," Gary said. "You just like it when he acts all Knight Commander-y. Forgive me if I don't want to stand next to your power boner for the next ten minutes."
I said, "I don't get a power boner, what the hell," even though it sounded like something I would get rather easily.
Ryan bought a closed fist to his chest and bowed low toward the King. "If the King wishes, I can provide a situation report immediately."
"Oh my gods," I said to Gary. "I get a boner for power."
"Do you think he knows he's not really whispering that?" Mom asked Dad. "Because it seems like he thinks he's whispering."
"I'm pretty sure he doesn't know he does a lot of things he probably shouldn't," Dad said. "We're not to blame for that at all. We're wonderful parents."
I wore a beard similar to Justin’s, something that Sir hadn’t missed, given that he’d raised an eyebrow as we approached and said, “I’m down for twins.”
I should have known it was going to go downhill from there.
“Now, I understand you’re looking to be dominated,” Sir said.
“Uhh,” I said. “I don’t think that’s quite what I—”
“Did I say you could speak, boy?” Sir asked sharply.
“No, Sir. Sorry, Sir.”
He waited a beat, as if making sure I wouldn’t step out of line again. I didn’t, because I didn’t want to get fisted or have something shoved up my pee hole.
“Now. We should probably discuss hard limits,” Sir said. “I’m okay with most things, even the… fluids… some others might have problems with. Even the more solid ones.”
“So unbelievably gross,” I breathed in awe.”
“Heyyy,” I said with a wave. “What. Is. Up.”
“Hey, he says,” Gary snapped, flipping his mane prettily. “Can you believe this? You raise a child most of his life, watch him go through painful years of puberty to become a reasonably attractive man, only to find him negotiating kink contracts with a leather Dom and saying hey.” He sniffled. “I’ve never been more proud of anything in my life.”
Tiggy frowned. “Sam a pain slut?”
“I highly doubt that, kitten. You know how he gets when he stubs a toe. He doesn’t pop a boner, that’s for sure.”