Popular: The Power of Likability in a Status-Obsessed World

by Mitch Prinstein

A leading psychologist examines how our popularity affects our success, our relationships, and our happiness—and why we don’t always want to be the most popular

No matter how old you are, there’s a good chance that the word “popular” immediately transports you back to your teenage years. Most of us can easily recall the adolescent social cliques, the high school pecking order, and which of our peers stood out as the most or the least popular teens we knew. Even as adults we all still remember exactly where we stood in the high school social hierarchy, and the powerful emotions associated with our status persist decades later. This may be for good reason.

Popular examines why popularity plays such a key role in our development and, ultimately, how it still influences our happiness and success today. In many ways—some even beyond our conscious awareness—those old dynamics of our youth continue to play out in every business meeting, every social gathering, in our personal relationships, and even how we raise our children. Our popularity even affects our DNA, our health, and our mortality in fascinating ways we never previously realized. More than childhood intelligence, family background, or prior psychological issues, research indicates that it’s how popular we were in our early years that predicts how successful and how happy we grow up to be.

But it’s not always the conventionally popular people who fare the best, for the simple reason that there is more than one type of popularity—and many of us still long for the wrong one. As children, we strive to be likable, which can offer real benefits not only on the playground but throughout our lives. In adolescence, though, a new form of popularity emerges, and we suddenly begin to care about status, power, influence, and notoriety—research indicates that this type of popularity hurts us more than we realize.

Realistically, we can’t ignore our natural human social impulses to be included and well-regarded by others, but we can learn how to manage those impulses in beneficial and gratifying ways. Popular relies on the latest research in psychology and neuroscience to help us make the wisest choices for ourselves and for our children, so we may all pursue more meaningful, satisfying, and rewarding relationships.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Sociology, Audiobook, Science, Social

288 pages, Hardcover

First published June 6, 2017

Reviews

[Dannii Elle · Rating 4 out of 5]

My full review for this title and many others can be found on United by Pop.

The ideology, put forward and explained in this book, is that the desire to be included, and therefore deemed 'popular', is an unavoidable part of the human psyche. But this desired popularity is being channelled  in the wrong ways. Instead of longing for status, power, influence, and notoriety, we can - and should - be hankering for an alternative source of popularity. The popularity that comes from likeability and not from power.

By beginning to understand the distinctions between these two types of popularity, Mitch Prinstein, teaches us how to channel the right source to provide unbounded joy and success in our lives, regardless of where we would place ourselves on the social hierarchy governing each of our lives.

This book is divided into nine easy-to-navigate chapters. Each outlines a function of popularity and is paired with numerous real-life examples of it playing out, that every reader from every walk-of-life could relate to. I also appreciated the focus on the modern preoccupation with social media, and how this filtered reality has impacted and re-shaped both society and the traditional structure of popularity.

The knowledge imparted in this book is extensive but putting it into practise is something the reader can instantly begin to do, with little fuss. It also has a great message of self-empowerment that every individual can take away and hold close to them, in the moments when life seems unfair or bad karma seems to be taking an extra special liking to us.

[Danielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think the quote from Adam Grant on the front cover of this book says a lot about the content but not in a good way. "This book helped me understand why I wasn't cool as a kid, why I'm still not today, and why I shouldn't care." The actual content of the book says the exact opposite.

Overall, I think this book's entire aim is unhelpful to dangerous in our world. It seems to mostly be a book about extraverted behavior leading to happiness while introverted behavior leads to social pariahs who get to die early and alone and how a whole lot of the reason is things that happened before you were born or before you were old enough to shape your life in any powerful way. The outcome of the ideals presented in this book is a world where everyone is happy because they are popular due to their likeability. To me, that seems to be a world where the ideal is a world of Stepford wives whose focus is maintaining the pretense of likeable popularity over actually living in reality and where group-think is more important than the dissenting voice that, while not being popular, is necessary for society to continue evolving.

I think the most overarching problem with this book is its American-centric view of the world of human interaction. For societies all over the world that value community and family over self, almost none of the conclusions would seem to apply. Ironically, even though one of the examples used of social rejection influencing evolution is a story about a rejected woman leaving the group and then getting killed by a mammoth, I think the lack of consideration of the group cohesion that actually allowed humans to survive and evolve over time along with the compassion, self-sacrifice, and altruism inherent to that group cohesion makes many of these conclusions too modern to apply to humanity in general, let alone the evolving humanity of the future.

[Emily May · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an easy, information-filled read, made compelling by the author's conversational no-bullshit style. It was definitely interesting to read about popularity, the difference between status and likability, and the ways our entire lives, careers, relationships and mental health can be affected by our popularity in early childhood and adolescence.

I think the only problem is how reductionist some of the ideas are. Prinstein straight up acknowledges that the five popularity types - Accepted, Rejected, Neglected, Controversial and Average - are reductive in nature, but then proceeds to form generalizations based upon them anyway. I am skeptical as to how universal his findings are.

The book is driven by anecdotes, featuring many different people who fall into one of the categories of popularity. I liked this a lot. Prinstein explores how this affects their life, showing how more qualified people can be passed up for a promotion if another candidate is an "Accepted", or how people unconsciously listen to and value the opinion of popular "Accepted" people over others.

Lots of interesting info and thought-provoking anecdotes, but I don't know that it's as simple and black and white as the author portrays. Personality, popularity and privilege overlap in many complex ways; it seems silly to suggest that all people who enjoy a certain type of popularity will reap the future benefits, or alternatively, those who are "Rejected" or "Neglected" may be affected more or less by their status and/or likability, depending on the individual. Factors such as gender, wealth, and class surely also come into play.

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[Gretchen Rubin]

A fascinating look at "popularity," which includes the concepts of status and likeability.

[Mehrsa · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy interesting read. I gained insights about my own life in here, but I found it really useful to use some of these concepts to help my kids through their social worlds. The ideas are very simple and probably simplistic (seek to be kind and liked as opposed to high status), but some of the studies on how much our peers affect our ideas and behavior were fascinating and I will be sharing them with my children probably over and over again to hopefully inoculate them from some of it.

[Donna · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a nonfiction - psychology - social science type of book. It was about popularity in school and how kids drag their assigned status into adulthood. And not only that, but how their assigned social status effects their whole entire life.

I liked the research in this. I enjoyed the scientific approach. It was definitely interesting, but this felt so preliminary. While it created a pleasant walk down 'memory lane' of high school, I think a lot of this needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I just wasn't able to wholly buy into this. So 3 stars.

[Val Robson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I struggled with this book as it seemed repetitive at times. The basic tenet being that if you are sociable and interact thoughtfully with others in a fun and meaningful way then you are likely to be a popular person. These type of self-help books tend to be quite formulaic in that they talk a lot about research which is then interspersed with anecdotes. I found the anecdotes of interest in general but some of the research I found dull. I am also always suspicious about who is doing the research and in what conditions? Plus who is funding it and do they have an agenda in doing so? There were some section on the physiology of the brain which I found hard to follow as I am not a medic so it wasn't really making a lot of sense to me.

It seems that is you are introverted and quiet, or are simply a little awkward at social situations, you are doomed to be unpopular. It all made a little depressing reading really as there was no real tangible advice in how to become popular or how to help your children be popular. And does being popular matter anyway? The implication was that if you are not popular you are unhappy but I'm not sure I subscribe to that way of thinking.

Some of the later chapters referred to experiments where people choose which things they liked. If the things to choose had 'Facebook likes' and similar already against them they were far more likely to be popular with the person choosing than if there were no clues as to what others felt. There was clear evidence that we are more likely to 'like' something if others do. I found that idea interesting and would like to see more written about this now we are all so influenced by the opinions of others via social media and the press. The BBC News publish 'Most Watched' and 'Most Read' lists on their website which doubtless influences their readers.

This is maybe a good book for a book club to read and discuss but I did find it a little dry and hard-going. I note that on Amazon.com (as opposed to Amazon.co.uk) it has 15 reviews which are all 5 stars. Either the author has a lots of fans or the American audience genuinely like this a lot compared to us Brits.

With thanks to NetGalley and Ebury Publishing/ Penguin Random House UK for a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Daniela Teixeira · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received an ARC of this book through Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
All throughout the reading of this book so many thoughts crossed my mind, over and over…
“OMG, I hope this book is published in Portuguese soon. I’ll buy so many copies to gift friends”
“OMG, this is exactly what happened last week at work!”
“OMG, that’s me you’re describing right there!”
Several OMGs were employed in the reading of this book. Really.
This is my kind of personal development book. It’s heavy on the science research, but it does a great job relating all of it with real life cases.
According to the author, there are two kinds of popularity: status-based and likability-based. The book goes on to prove that likability-based is the kind of popularity that has better effects on people in the long run. The first 2/3 of the book build the concept of popularity, how it happens and what it does to people. The last part deals with what we can do to improve our popularity standing and how to help our kids to succeed in this aspect of life.
I rarely re-read a book, but I think this will be one exception. There will always be development to be made in this aspect of my life and I think Mitch Prinstein would be the perfect coach to help me.

[Courtney Smith Atkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was great. I read it along side, "So you have been publicly shamed" and they were significant companion books. I did not have high expectations of this book but the last disc was a sweet wrap up. This content is great for discussion in a book club. It helped me reflect on my work clan and myself. I highly recommend.

[Gabrielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have better ways to spend my time and so do you. In a nutshell work to be likeable. Then life will be sweet(er).

[Jovi Ene · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nu citesc eu prea multe cărți psihologice, tocmai pentru că prefer mai degrabă ”acțiunea” și practica decât teoria.
Însă despre popularitate, putere, statut și atractivitate aș putea citi mai mult, tocmai pentru că aceste lucruri sunt foarte importante în devenirea ca persoană, după cum spune și Mitch Prinstein aici, mai ales când vorbește despre popularitatea din copilărie și felul în care aceasta determină foarte puternic viața noastră ca adulți. Acesta este punctul cel mai important al cărții, împreună cu nenumăratele studii de caz, psihologice, sociologice sau antropologice și de discuțiile privind influența social media asupra personalității umane, concluzionând, pe drept temei, că mulți dintre cei care sunt pe rețelele de socializare își trăiesc experiențele în funcție de like-uri, sunt dependenți de acestea.
O carte interesantă.

[Luisa Maruşca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Am început-o puțin sceptica pentru ca subiectul mi s-a părut unul superficial dar adevarul e ca mi-a sporit interesul pentru etologia umană.

O recomand cu drag. Este usor de citit și te ajuta sa intelegi la nivel mai profund lucrurile care se intampla in jurul tău. Am găsit explicații pentru foarte multe comportamente pe care acum le privesc cu mai multă empatie. Categoric e o lecție despre toleranta și despre tranzacții sănătoase in cadrul grupurilor.

A fost o lectura plăcută și nu am de ce sa o depunctez.

[Eli · Rating 2 out of 5]

Popular seems to me like a self-help book without the help. Though he bills it as new, revolutionary, and vital, Prinstein's work seems to boil down to the conclusion that (1) it is better to be liked than not liked, and (2) that doesn't necessarily have to do with how much power you have over others. This discovery, backed up by questionable scientific methods and a lot of anecdotes about white men, apparently entitles Mitch to prescribe likability as a panacea for our age. It will make you happier and more successful! It will make your children happier and more successful! And Mitch can tell you how to achieve it!... except, he can't. His advice for how to be a likable person is limited to such vague commonplaces as "cultivate relationships more than 'likes.'" And then, to top it all off, he had the gall to reiterate the tired, trivializing cliché that having written a book he "now know[s] what it feels like to be pregnant," when just the other day I read this McSweeney's article. Thanks for your work, Professor Prinstein, but I won't be taking one of your classes.

[Marsha · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed in this book. There were some interesting studies noted but I did not find any valuable information. The implication is that likability and popularity equate to happiness and then no guidance is give on how to get there. I don’t agree with that premise so my view was a bit jaded. I think personal relationships and purpose have more to do with happiness than popularity. Not really worth the time to read.

[Margaret · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was pretty good. I wish it had more concrete examples. It wasn't the most exciting book to get through, but shared a lot of interesting, scientifically-based concepts on popularity. The part on parenting was particularly interesting and useful.

[Kirsti · Rating 4 out of 5]

A psychology professor describes his and others' research on popularity. There are two types: status and likability. Often the people with high status are not very liked or likable. Trying to become more likable often has lifelong benefits, and trying to gain higher status can lead to some material rewards and feelings of power but ultimately can be destructive psychologically.

I would love to know what business leaders think of this book. They might call it ridiculous and say it's sour grapes. But I found it interesting and useful.

I like the author's simple, clear writing style.

I thought, "Why would someone devote his entire career to researching popularity?" Then at the end of the book he described something that had happened to him when he was in high school, and I thought, "Oh, THAT'S why." Unfortunately, in our status-obsessed world, if you are a male who starts wearing bifocals at age five and doesn't weigh over 100 pounds until your sophomore year in college, you will probably not be popular in high school.

[Lisl Hass · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good read for parents or future parents

This book provided some good suggestions for parents about how to help their children become better citizens, more equipped to navigate social relationships, although I think this could have gone deeper. I think certain research discussed to support some arguments through the book did not clearly make the points the author sought to make. Generally an interesting read, particularly in reflecting back on my own experiences and those of my child.

[Hina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was fascinating to read. I think this book is probably more for adults but as a teenager who will be a high schooler next year, I still found this book interesting to read. Although some parts were hard and or confusing to read, I learned many things from this book such as how much popularity and status can affect our lives, and how it can impact me in the future. Popularity can mean different things to different people but it often affects how we treat one another and how we see one another. Popularity affects even our health. This book taught me some very surprising things.

[Yama Chen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Only one well known point without solid evidences.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

My internet therapist recommended this book to me. And then I stopped seeing her.

[Marisa Ise · Rating 3 out of 5]

I haven't read nonfiction books for a long time. I mostly read fictional books because nonfiction books are less exciting. But even though I found nonfiction books boring, I found this book quite fascinating since I'm interested in psychology and wanted to learn more about it. This book talked us through the desire of being popular. It taught me many things about how popularity affects us throughout our lives. It helped me understand what popularity really means and what's really important in our lives. This book provides us with lots of studies, and I found some of them pretty interesting. I would recommend this book to high schoolers and anyone interested in social psychology.

[Kieran · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are tidbits of useful information in here, but honestly this seems more like something catered to parents who want to help their kids or are vaguely interested in the concept of psychology. Nothing is really cited well and the author consistently puts correlation equal to causation. His writing style is pretty interesting, but I wouldn't exactly reccomend this as an educational read.

Mitch is a genius professor and psychologist, just not sure this book is the best display of that.

[Cyndie Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short, easy read that applies to a lot of people for a lot of reasons. Fundamentally all of us have been shaped by our experiences of status whether we had it or not. More importantly, this book addresses the difference between likeability and status and how blending or confusing the two - particularly if we choosing to focus on status versus likeability can ultimately make us less healthy and less happy over the course of our lives. Great information for anyone who interacts with other human beings (so... everyone.)

[Rachel Blakeman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sometimes you just need to realize that a whole genre of writing just isn't for you. That's what I now realize about psychology books. They always sound so interesting in author interviews but are often a little flat to read.

I heard the author interviewed on NPR and was looking forward to reading this but it seemed like it had a magazine article's worth of content. The themes felt repetitive and not particularly well structured. He talked around a lot of concepts but it was difficult to know what to take away from it as the reader. Lots of discussion of academic journal research, but that too felt meh.

The parenting chapter was one of the most engaging but that could have to do with overhearing the mother yelling at her kid while I was reading this on the beach.

In sum it was an OK book but nothing remarkable. Wandered aimlessly for far too many pages for my taste.

[Scott Wozniak · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid summary of the ways that being likable shapes our lives, in childhood and adulthood. It's written by a professor who has been doing social studies and teaching classes on this topic for years, so it's got a college-class-like structure in that each chapter covers a new setting or a new big idea. So, lot's of ideas in this book rather than a single thesis driving every chapter.

[Tyler Klement · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very enlightening on the power of likability. It really impressed on me its importance. However, the book never really described in detail exactly HOW to obtain this likability. For that, I would recommend other books like "How to Win Friends and Influence People", which is actually probably the perfect follow-up book to this. Still, great book and very informative!

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Two kinds of Popularity
1. Likeability - this is the good kind
2. Status - this is the middle & high school kind that can cause problems throughout life

We focus on people with status, our brains are wired to believe there are social rewards to having or being connected to those with high status. There is something about status that naturally lowers our inhibitions (social media magnifies this exponentially).

Adolescents base self-esteem on reflected appraisal, or how they perceive others think of them - self-concept is fully dictated by how peers treat them.

Interactions, whether with friends or strangers, have a transactional component. If we provide "good energy" to the conversation, the other person is more likely to be positive, which comes full-circle and impacts us. The same is true with negative energy. Make the choice to be positive.

Even likeable people can have difficulties in relationships if they become "reassurance-seeking." It can cause friends to pull back and thus become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Social media - when posts are popular (even if they are given "likes" artificially for experiment purposes), adolescents were dramatically more likely to "like" the picture themselves. Simply seeing the number of likes reduced prefrontal cortex activity, releasing the brain's brakes. The more we value status, the more our ability to distinguish between good and bad may be compromised. We cannot let popularity become the only value that matters.

One factor that strongly predicts who will be popular and who will be rejected is whether children are raised in an aggressive social environment. Easiest way to measure this is to ask parents to talk about their child for 5 mins. More critical = more aggressive social environment. Children who form stable attachments to their parents are generally on the right track.

Prioritize likability over status means cultivating relationships, choosing to help our peers rather than just focusing on our own needs, and showing more interest in others rather than vying for more attention and power. It also requires self-reflection, to understand our biases in basic perceptions and assumptions. Not easy, but very important in the long run.

[Ketti · Rating 4 out of 5]

So much interesting information and research in this book, lots to think about and process. Prinstein states, “You have a choice, you can allow instincts to direct you toward status or toward likeability. Choosing likability is not always an easy option in a world so obsessed with status.” I appreciate how this book helped me to do some serious self-reflection.
Prinstein reminds the reader that we have all had moments of humiliation, and that we didn’t leave those injuries back in our adolescence.
As I read this book I recalled some of those ‘unpopular’ experiences in my life. One day while in high school I took my coat off and placed it on a hook outside the classroom. After class I grabbed my coat and went on with my day. It wasn’t until evening that as I was preparing to go to the high school football game that I reached into the pocket of my coat to find an anonymous note. Someone had taken the time and effort to write me a note on an entire roll of DYMO tape. Forty years later and I can still clearly recall some of the mean spirited words of that note. I am grateful that I had two loving parents who worked through this experience with me. As hot tears rolled down my face, my father held me. I didn’t want to go to the game, of course; so difficult knowing that one of my ‘friends’ had left me this note. My father convinced to hold my head high and not let someone else’s words hurt me.
Favorite quotes –
Pg. 205
“Have you and a friend ever experienced a stressful event and both walked away with a completely different reaction to it? That happens all the time, and it’s due to the fact that what we feel about a given situation has much less to do with what actually happens to us than it does with what we think about what took place.”

[Lydia · Rating 1 out of 5]

Superficial and shockingly unhelpful. This book spends 7 out of 9 chapters belaboring why popularity is so important for a successful life and mental health. Some of it was interesting, but at some point I started wondering “does it really affect ALL the facets of life more than any other criteria?” (like job competence in the face of a layoff). To add to this feeling, the book uses fictitious vignettes to prove its point, and never so much as mentions a competing idea or exception.

I should also mention that this book trots out alllllllll the same examples as seemingly every other psychology book written for a general audience. Seriously, if you already know about that guy who taught his daughters chess as a lifelong experiment, there is nothing new here for you.

Then I arrive at the last two chapters and I think surely there must be some actionable items to reward me at the end of the book. Chapter 8 is, after all, about whether parents can influence their children’s popularity and likeability. There are a handful of suggestions aimed at parents of young children and tells you how to optimally handle and organize play dates. Everything else was wrapped in conclusive language like “coach your kids” but doesn’t really explain what distinguishes good coaching from bad coaching.

Finally, I reach the last chapter. I think there has to be something directed at older kids, teens, or even adults. Spoiler: no. It’s the story of how the author was bullied as a child and how it’s super important to focus on likeability and social status.

TL:DR Give this one a pass. It has no useful information beyond a description of many, many experiments that have been done to show that the kids who are more liked have better outcomes. If that’s what you’re looking for, you can probably find it from a better source on your own.

[Bilal · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book about being popular, either from having a higher/dominant social status or from being likeable. I liked the book. It is accessible and covers the topic from most angles, except perhaps if anything about being popular is different between genders. After having read it, it seems to me that the causes and effects of being happy are essentially the same as those of being likeable.

In the beginning Prinstein informs us that being liked and being disliked are independent personality parameters in the sense that, for example, one can be most liked and most disliked at the same time. This observation leads us to the two-by-two matrix of sociometric grouping across these two parameters, which helps to identify personalities as accepted, rejected, controversial, neglected, and average. This is a helpful.

Prinstein informs us that at around puberty our bodies prepare us to become autonomous, i.e., they help us separate from our parents and become more interested in our peers. Our pubertal hormones stimulate the neurons in the brain region called ventral striatum to grow additional receptors for neurotransmitters oxytocin and dopamine. Oxytocin increases our desire to connect and bond with our peers. Dopamine produces the pleasure response. Together these two make us seek feedback that makes us feel admired among peers. Ventral striatum is part of a group of regions called the “motivational relevance network”. These regions work together to translate our likes into strong motivations to get, i.e., to pursue more of what feels good. From neuroscience, he switches over to DNA. He states that, for example, there is an immediate impact of social rejection on the DNA, specifically that within minutes of social rejection the effects can be seen in our blood’s DNA in the form of a few dozen genes having been either turned on or off, which in turn affects our immune system, our viral protection, etc. Fascinating!

In the chapter on parenting for popularity he informs us that mothers with memories of hostile experiences in childhood end up having children who are also unpopular among their peers, while mothers whose own childhood peer experiences were positive have children with above average popularity among their peers, and mothers with anxious or lonely memories of childhood peer experiences have children who are either of average popularity or in some cases just as well liked as children of mothers who were popular as kids. Essentially, mothers’ “social framing” directly affects their children’s popularity among their peers. Makes sense but fascinating all the same!

Genes affect popularity too, very much so: Attractive children are more popular, both in status/dominance, and in likability. What constitutes attractiveness? I knew that attractive faces have quite a bit to do with being symmetric, but I couldn’t quantify what else constitutes an attractive face: Prinstein informs us that attractive faces are also more typical or average in the sense that when different faces are digitally combined, the composite is deemed more attractive than the individual faces, even if all the individual faces were already very attractive. Fascinating again! He briefly explores also the effects of childhood developmental environment, and the findings here are what one would expect having read this far into the book.

A most important topic that he discussed somewhere in the second half of the book is about how our attitudes (mostly automatic) reflect back from the people we interact with to affect and reinforce our own likeability. This is the transactional model—the chain reaction involving how others act towards us, how we behave in response, and how those responses in turn elicit new behaviors among others all day, every day, for our entire life. The give-and-take between what we put into the world and how everyone responds to it. Therefore, despite the adverse factors, one can in fact exert control over one’s likeability, and in turn one’s happiness.