Sex, God, and the Conservative Church

by Tina Schermer Sellers

Sex, God, and the Conservative Church guides psychotherapy and sexology clinicians on how to treat clients who grew up in a conservative faith--mired in sexual shame and dysfunction--and who desire to both heal and hold on to their faith orientation. The author first walks clinicians and readers through a critique of Western culture and the conservative Christian Church, and their effects on intimate partnerships and sexual lives. The book provides clinicians a way to understand the faulty sexual ethic of the early church, while revealing the hidden mystical sex and body positive understanding of sexuality of the Hebrew people. The book also includes chapters on strategies for a new sexual ethic, on clinical steps to heal religious sexual shame, and on specific sex therapy interventions clinicians can use directly in their practice. Finally, it offers a four step model for healing religious sexual shame and actual touch and non-touch exercises to bring healing and intimacy into a person's life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Religion, Sexuality, Theology, Psychology, Christian, Faith

202 pages, Paperback

Published April 19, 2017

Reviews

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sex is a gift from God and yet many of my conservative Christian friends suffer from profound shame in the area of sexuality.  The effects of purity culture, abstinence covenants, kissing dating goodbye and centuries of bad theology have caused many in conservative Christian culture (my tribe) afraid of sex and unable to integrate sexuality and faith.  Sex, God & the Conservative Church: Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy  by Tina Schemer Sellers is aimed at helping sexologists and psychotherapists treat clients from conservative churches. Her goal is to help people move forward into healthier expressions of sexuality with a sex-positive religious ethic.

Sellers is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a certified sex therapist and the professor of sexuality and medical family therapy at Seattle Pacific University. While her own personal background was mostly sex positive, her academic interest in the effects of purity culture was catalyzed by hearing student's stories, especially after the year 2000 (257).  She respected for the faith of her students and clients, and their belief in a loving God, but the reality of religious sexual shame in conservative (evangelical) contexts broke her heart.

She wrote Sex, God and the Conservative Church with two groups of readers in mind. First, therapists who work with those from a conservative evangelical context, and secondly conservative Christians who wish to integrate their sexuality and faith commitments (24).  Often Conservative Christians who experience sexual shame find it difficult to discuss in their context but also have a hard time finding a therapist that respects their religious faith. Sellers wants to help Christians and therapists work through the issues in ways that is mutual respectful of individuals and their religious tradition.

The first three chapters diagnosis how religious sexual shame manifests in her client's lives. Chapter one examines the reality of sexual shame and the religious purity movement that developed in conservative Churches in the 1990s. Chapter two describes  the sexual baggage of two millennia (e.g. NeoPlatonic church fathers who demeaned women, sex and physical embodiment in preference for the spiritual, Augustine and the sexism of the Reformers). Chapter three describes the commodification of sex in an American consumer context and its effects on sexual vitality and body image (with a little help from Wendell Berry).

Chapter four begins to offer a Sex-positive ethic by recovering the sex positive Judeo-Christian tradition (drawing heavily on stories from Jewish tradition). Chapter five explores the sex-positive Gospel by examining the life and ministry of Jesus, positing the centrality of the abundant life connects pleasure with justice, grace and love (25).

Chapters six through eight are more geared toward therapist readers, discussing clinical applications, therapeutic interventions and practices/exercises for individual clients and couples. Non-therapists (like myself) will find this section of the book less accessible, though there are few practical takeaways.  The epilogue is worth a read, because Sellers  shares some of her personal journey with sex and God and her research into the effects of purity culture in conservative churches (especially since 2000). There are anecdotes of clients and students throughout the book

Sellers is writing about and for people from a conservative religious context, so while she does point people to a less 'black and white' sex positive ethic and questions some of the underpinnings of patriarchy and purity culture, she does not tackle Christian approaches to LGBTQ issues in this volume.

I am not a sex therapist or a counselor. I am a pastor who has worked exclusively within a conservative Christian context. Pastoring requires a different set of skills than that of a therapist but it also requires being cognizant of the issues.  I also grew up in this tradition. I never signed an abstinence covenant or read Josh Harris's first book, but I grew up being taught that sex is a wonderful and natural gift that you should never think about until you are married. I didn't experience brokenness in sexuality to the extent of some of Sellers clients and students, but I was bequeathed a lot of sex-negative ideology. I think this is a good resource for anyone who is from a conservative tradition and would like  a more sex-positive and less shame inducing approach to sexuality, and anyone in the 'helping professions' (especially therapists, but also pastors) who work in this context. I give this four stars.

Notice of Material Connection: I received a copy of this book via SpeakEasy in exchange for my honest review.

[Rachel Croce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes. Yes. Yes. We need more of these conversations and resources. Thank you Tina for putting this together. Hopefully this project expands and offers better ways for individuals and religious groups to facilitate these important conversations.

[Chris Osantowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

A helpful and practical guide to undoing harmful messaging about sex and intimacy.

[Josh · Rating 3 out of 5]

There's some good observations from Schermer-Sellers in this book. She's a therapist, and in this book, definitely see she's more of a therapist than theologian. She critiques cultural views of intimacy. She does talk about some of the historical development of these ideas in the west. One area where I agree with Schermer-Sellers is that conservative Christian culture often takes a negative view of intimacy. Our culture also generally does a horrible job with education in these areas. For criticism of this book, she does some research into Judaic thought on sexuality. I thought this was cherry picked and was giving examples that seemed more fringe than Orthodox within those circles.

As she tried to establish a Biblical ethic, I feel that Schermer-Sellers lays out virtues based Christian principles while largely ignoring specific Biblical texts that address these matters in concrete terms. I don't think that's a good way to do ethics. For Christian ethics, issues that are specifically addressed in scripture need to carry more weight than a person's conclusion based on how they've applied principles. Otherwise ethics can get very arbitrary very quickly.

[Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though written by a therapist for other therapists treating those of us with sexual intimacy issues as a result of "purity culture," there is a lot in this book that a "layperson" (such as me) can take away, along with practical exercises to help undo what's been done. I have a feeling I will be referring to this book more often as I try to work through the issues described in this book.

[Annalise Nakoneczny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't optimistic when I started this book, and honestly I didn't know what to expect, but I was pleasantly surprised! This is a really healthy sex-positive book that heavily promotes ethical sexual relationships, commitment, and a good relationship with yourself. I learned a lot!

[Leslie Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars, definitely recommend. As a boy mom, it gave me a lot to think about in regards to how I want to teach my kids about sex and the values surrounding it. It goes beyond trying to be sex positive, and choosing the values that you bring to your sexual story. Want to reread already.

[renée jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such a fantastic exploration of sexuality, intimacy and spirituality! I appreciated the wholistic approach to relationships and lovemaking.

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would give this more stars if it was written for me, but it’s actually written to therapists and counselors etc. still has some really good information, viewpoints, theories, and a good bit of historical background. Recommend for anyone interested in the topic enough to wade through the academic slant. I hope someone writes an easier version of this book because the message is important

[Isaac Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

Such a mixed bag. I'll do the good first and the bad last.

-The good-
This contained a much needed explanation for how Christian environments suppress desire and regulate people's emotions. Because of this, people often have shame for even having sexual desires, and especially for expressing them. Christians get so used to suppressing their desires that they often don't know what they want when asked.

The idea that sex, intimacy, and affirmation are all inappropriately linked was super fascinating. It took me a while to agree with her, but it makes so much sense. They have overlap, but we are often taught to conflate them so that sex is avoided outside of commitment. But specifically, a Christian marriage commitment. Much like in cults, this practice of only allowing sex when sanctioned by the community effectively places control in the hands of the Church instead of the lovers.

So much good material about communication, eye contact, sex not just being intercourse, and sex being about all of the people involved, not just you or just the other(s).

All of this said, most of the helpful content for readers is in the back of the book. To get there, Sellers had to jump through hoops with biblical language and weird stuff about what she thinks Jesus would want in order to even be able to talk about sex. This is so indicative of Christianity and was the perfect example of why the book needed to be written. If she can't even just talk about sex without having to justify it with theology, something is so deeply wrong.

-The bad-
I'm always shocked at how cavalier Christians often are as they claim to know what God or Jesus "intended." Especially since this sort of verbiage is typically used in response to a pervasive belief. What makes you the authority on this? What makes you think you interpreted it right and all of these other experts got it wrong? For instance, Jesus calls people guilty if they even look at a women with lust. Nevermind that lust is a religious construct that just means sexual attraction outside of marriage, scholars largely agree that Jesus had one of the more restricting sexual ethics of his day, and Sellers actively argues the opposite. I get that her audience is likely one which refuses to listen to data unless it is couched in "Jesus would want this," but if you have to try this hard, maybe that's the problem. Maybe there is a systemic issue that has caused people to distrust non-sectarian scholarship so much that we need to manipulate the text in order to convince people?

It seems that Sellers had an inkling of this idea and went on a historical quest. By her own admission, she began her historical analysis with the assumption that Christianity is at its core loving, and modern Christian sexual ethics are merely a distortion. She then says she couldn't find any evidence of this; rather, she found that Christian sexual ethics have always been harmful. But out of a refusal to change her mind, she presents the idea that maybe Jews had gotten it right, and it was the Christians who had corrupted God's word. (Worth noting here is that at multiple other times, she claims that the Jewish faith is "obsolete," so it's interesting to see her flip between demeaning and glorifying it depending on which option proved her point) She pulls out several texts which highlight a Jewish ideal to honor sex, to treat women with dignity, etc... However, any knowledge of how women were actually treated in the ANE shows her analysis to be anachronistic and selective. While there are texts which promote semi-positive sex ethics from ancient Judaism, the majority practice was patriarchal and abusive. Again, it's interesting that Christian scholars often attack Judaism, saying Jesus needed to fix things, but when it's convenient, they mask their historical antisemitism in ideological affirmation.

One of the most peculiar things I've begun to notice about Christians is their use of meaningless loaded language. Phrases such as "deep faith," "rich faith," "grace filled," "godly," etc... It reminds me of a comment someone made on cults, saying that a totalist movement cannot be understood with outsider language. What do these phrases even mean? It seems that they are just empty affirmations which allow people to affirm each other without actually saying anything. Or possibly, does having a rich faith just mean you are really submissive? That you are obedient? That you refuse to question the church or it's teachings? If so, it makes sense why they would be socially encouraged.

Sellers' definition of conservative Christianity was excellent; however, like many other Christian scholars, she attempts to confine the toxicities she is explaining to just conservatives. This form of scapegoating is pervasive, and seems to be used in order to avoid critiquing the system itself. But according to her historical analysis, Christian sexual ethics have always been harmful, so this is an internal contradiction, one which again, seems to be common because the Christian mind is often trained to avoid truly questioning.

-Summary-
Great messaging for how to correct harmful Christian beliefs. Insufficient critique of where the beliefs came from and what needs to be done about them.

[Misty Galbraith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book written by a sex therapist for therapists. Many therapists and marriage & family therapists are woefully unknowledgeable and ill-prepared to counsel folks with conservative religious backgrounds about sexual issues.
Christianity has a history steeped in fear and shame-based belief systems, aimed at blind obedience to tradition and hierarchy. Here’s the thing, though…. that is not what/how Jesus taught! Somewhere along the way, Christianity got derailed into believing that the spirit/mind is good and the body is bad. Sellers writes, “Augustine is considered the second most influential figure in early Christianity, next to Paul…Unfortunately, Augustine was a sexually troubled soul…His legacy of shame, fear of the body, and suspicion of its desires is with us today.” For many, shame is carried into marriage along with body disassociation, guilt, and conversely expectations of sexual bliss by folks who are naive and unprepared for the powerful experience of naked bodies coming together (in the dark, of course). The results are often disappointing and leave couples feeling hurt and confused instead of bonded.
Sellers’ gospel centered, research based, Christian approach to therapy teaches the joy and gifts of our physical bodies and gives specific guidance on helping folks find healing and joy in erasing shame from sexual intimacy.
“Shame…cannot live in the presence of love and begins to fade in the absence of judgement.”
There is great power in being seen, known, loved, and accepted. Christ showed us an incredible example of this in the story of the Samaritan woman at the well. “How does a Samaritan woman, scorned and hated by Jewish culture, a person who probably had no remaining hint of self-worth or value, become overwhelmed with a sense of value and hope after a single conversation like this [with Jesus]. What kind of presence, attention, kindness, and love was emanating from Jesus?”
I ask, how can we, as decent human beings, regardless of what “faith” we follow, emanate this kind of love and acceptance in our families and daily interactions with folks? Can we change the world into a safe place of belonging and kindness rather than perpetuating communities of judgement and isolation for those who don’t fit a traditional mold? How can learning to feel, accept, and expand sexual desire and connection enhance long term relationships and marriage?
“Sex, God & the Conservative Church” has a lot to offer in learning how to increase pleasure and joy in our lives and understand the deep, often unconscious influence our belief systems have left imprinted on our bodies.

[Erica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent, in depth deconstruction of the current evangelical sexual ethic. Sellers goes beyond merely refuting the problematic narratives of the purity movement of the late 80s - early 00s and begins her analysis at the outset of this idealogical framework: 3rd century Greco-Roman asceticism. Paved by the prevalence of Platonic mind-body dualism, the road to this ethic is fraught with secular ideologies that stand in direct contrast to the Ancient Hebraic understanding of the body and sexuality. Sellers unfolds for readers a sexual ethic rooted in Hebrew texts (Canonical and others) and culture and demonstrates how this understanding of sexuality better enables us to embrace the Judeo-Christian God’s intention for sex. Written for both a professional and lay audience, Seller provides a wealth of therapeutic interventions for clients and readers that have been shaped and hindered by these misunderstandings and subconscious messages embedded in this cultural movement.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

The parts of this book I liked I /really/ liked. A very useful perspective and work i can see myself returning to. My main sticking points are the overwhelming heterosexuality and borderline appropriation of Jewish theology.

[Bruce Zheng · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book lays out a very well researched critique into Church purity culture, as well as the secular culture that the purity culture is reacting to. I think that most Christians who read this book will walk away thinking, "we must do better". But I don't think most Christians would embrace what Sellers is selling (lol) in particular.

The purpose of the book is to give tools for people who want to address sexual shame while "hold[ing] on to their faith orientation". But if your faith orientation includes a "conservative" understanding of the bible and it's significance, then this book will be of limited help.

I don't think Sellers ever fully reveals their hand about what exactly they believe about the bible and how their faith is informed by it. Reading the book, it appears that their faith is equally informed by extra-biblical jewish texts and jewish commentaries. I'm just pointing out that this is not congruent with what many people would consider to be a "christian" tradition.

Sellers at one point discusses where they think christianity went wrong with its sexual ethic. They seem to indicate that even Paul made a "fatal" error in how to present sexuality. Considering Paul wrote most of the new testament and that his writings predate the gospels and are endorsed by Peter as scripture, Sellers' claim here requires a radical overhaul of how christians view the new testament. I personally would not think I was holding fast to my "faith orientation" if I did that.

Sellers also dedicates a section "Hidden Treasure" to showing how "God has given us everything we need in [...] the Old and New Testaments for understanding the profound purposes of sexuality". I am super for this. But what she actually uses for her arguments are:
1. A story about the mirrors in the tabernacle from Midrash (or Jewish commentary) - I found out that Midrash postdate the new testament, throwing into question if they represent Jewish attitudes at the time of the writing of the Torah.
2. A word discussion of how the Hebrew words for man/woman have the letters Y and H meaning that sexual union symbolizes God. This was kind of cool but couldn't you have just said "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."? (Maybe this would have contradicted the later assertion that Adam was not gendered).
3. Another set of Jewish scholars which compare the marriage bed to the holy of holies. Wow I think this idea is actually super cool and kind of makes sense to me. A claim that the cleansing ceremony people had to go through in order to have sex was similar to what the priest had to do to enter the holy of holies. Really skeptical of this. Did they have to wear all white like the priest? Did the man have to tie a rope around his ankle in case his wife killed him due to his impurity? Were they only allowed to make love on the day of atonement? Too bad there are no scriptural references at all to back this up in any way!
4. MORE Jewish scholars which muse that the tabernacle's cherubim may be in a kind of pseudo-sexual embrace. Considering that the cherubim are supposed to represent the angels that are guarding Eden and will kill anyone who tries to enter, it's kind of weird to me that they would be having sex.
5. The Song of Songs! Too bad Sellers does not really take time to unpack the only actual part of scripture referenced, other than taking a shot by saying conservative churches never teach it even though it's taught to young adults to a point where it's a meme for some.

Sellers also blindly asserts that although Jesus did not talk a lot about sex, he would be super down for a very permissive sex positive framework. I wonder what Sellers has to say about the passages where Jesus actually does talk about sex when he claims that sin begins with *looking* at someone in a certain way (right before he says to cut off your hand if it causes you to stumble), and also claims that to divorce someone and then remarry is akin to adultery. I wonder if these are among the most "sex-negative" passages in all of scripture.

Hey, I'm not upset (or surprised) that I disagree strongly with Sellers on some theological points. HOWEVER, this book is intended to be used with Christians that would like to "hold on to their faith orientation". My critique is that I really don't think it really delivers on that.

[Kelcie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book! It’s packed with education and healing practices. It has helped me with my own issues, as well as given me ideas for how to raise sex-positive children. I’m so thankful to Dr. Tina for sharing her wisdom!

[Christina · Rating 2 out of 5]

The good:

This book is written for clinical practitioners, yet the content is easily understood by the lay person.

I agree with the author's conclusions about how the conservative/evangelical church went way too far turning the purity movement in to gospel-truth. As someone who came of age during late 90s, I know first hand that this well-intended message was often mishandled. If the only thing I can remember about youth group is the "don't have premarital sex" message that was preached weekly in some shape or form ... that's a problem. I think the evangelical church, in general, has acknowledged this mistake.

I strongly agree with her message to parents about taking the time to talk with children, often and throughout their childhood and adolescence, about their sexuality. Don't avoid it. Don't shame kids for their curiosities. We need to be a safe place for our kids to talk about feelings/changes/desires. (For those of us that are Christian parents, we can use these conversations to instill a sexual ethic that is biblically sound so that our kids recognize lies before they start hearing the world's message - messages like what is contained in this book).

The bad:

For itching ears, this book may be exactly what you want to read, but that doesn't mean it speaks truth. Unfortunately, just because the church got it wrong doesn't mean we get to throw out the baby with the bathwater, but the author does just that. Simply put, the main problem with this book is that it COMPLETELY ignores sin. If anything, it promotes sin! The author holds herself out as Christian Sex Therapist and therefore I would expect her conclusions and guidance for patients to defer to biblical authority. If she did not hold herself out as Christian, then I wouldn't have any reason critique the absence of such a critical part of the Christian sexual ethic. I think it is extremely irresponsible for someone to hold themselves out as a Christian offering a professional service, but ultimately provide counsel that is antithetical to the Bible!

My main purpose in reviewing this book is to hopefully point someone away from material like this and point them back to the Bible as THE source for healing and authority regarding this matter. It's common for progressive and theologically liberal Christians to dismiss most of the Bible and cling to the Gospels as if the words and stories of Jesus somehow disagree with the Law and the Epistles, but it's important to remember that the Bible has ONE author (assisted by human authors, led by the Holy Spirit) and all of the stories tell a single story. "All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."
2 Timothy 3:16-17

The Bible is completely adequate. Scripture confirms scripture. No esoteric knowledge (like some of the mysticism she pulls in to develop a "new sexual ethic") is required for living a godly life. "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." 2 Peter 1:3

If we acknowledge that we are God's creation, God, as our creator, has the right to tell us how life works best. The Bible alone contains his perfect instructions for us. When something doesn't sit right with us, we wrestle with it until our minds are renewed, but we don't conform to the world. "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:2

If you read this book as a Christian and your discernment alarm isn’t going off non-stop, put the book down and get your nose back in the Word.

[Charity · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am incredibly grateful for Seller’s courageous voice speaking out for those who have been harmed by a repressive sexual ethic that has pervaded some parts of the Christian church. Seller’s intent is to uncover a hidden sex-positive story within the Judeo-Christian tradition, and she does this masterfully by weaving together ancient Hebrew teachings and practices that honored sexuality as sacred and central alongside Jesus’s life example of love, justice, and healing. In doing so, Sellers offers Christians a way to have both their faith tradition and a vibrant sexuality centered on connection, pleasure, desire and justice rather than do’s and don’ts. This book would be an excellent resource for therapists desiring to gain cultural knowledge of “conservative Christianity” in order to work effectively with clients who have experienced religious sexual shame/harm from an environment that focused too much on controlling unsanctioned (unmarried) sexual desire/behavior and too little on the goodness, creativity, beauty, connection, and pleasure that is possible for us as embodied, sexual, spiritual beings. This book would also be a wonderful resource for an individual or study group who would like to explore these topics on their own. Sellers finally inspires me with her reminder that, in order to live a life infused with connection and pleasure, we must sometimes intentionally choose a slower, more nourishing pace. Sellers’ words and wisdom bring me to that still, deep place at the center of God’s heart where there are no boundaries between that which is deeply sacred and that which is deeply erotic.

[Caleb · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dr. Sellers absolutely knows what she is talking about when it comes to sex therapy and relationships, sadly the same cannot be said of theology in which is was significantly lacking and in other places factually wrong (e.g. Constantine and St.Augustine living in the same century). But really what’s the missing piece is a clear delineation of a sexual ethic, it assumes that you share her feminist and social justice outlook, which I imagine the people she is trying to reach most likely don’t. If you’ve abandoned your conservatism, this book will help with recovery but it won’t convert. It also written clearly more with women in mind than men, for while she tries to talk to men, for the most part it’s how they need to be better for women, as if they had no problems of their own.

[Nate Bagley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having grown up in a conservative religious community (Mormon), this book opened my eyes to how we’ve culturally corrupted the godly purposes and definitions of sex, chastity, virtue and purity. There is a lot of shame wrapped up in the sex lives of conservative Christians, and untangling the mess is important and vital to the success of our marriages and families and our relationship with God.

[Elissa Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant book written by a psychologist helping to heal survivors of purity culture and religious sexual trauma

[Leslie Savage · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author has a warm, personal approach as she invites you in on what she has learned, not only from her students’ and clients’ stories, from her own life experiences. Dr. Sellers delves into the suffering and pain people have silently faced around sex, their faith, sexual desire, and sexual pleasure. I appreciate the author’s courage to delve into this sensitive territory and raise awareness to the personal suffering many individuals and couples have exposed in their stories. Motivated by compassion, the author shares her ten year exploration into cultural and religious beliefs, particularly the mind-body split, through careful research and conversations with theologians to verbalize what has been missing, particularly in Western culture in the Christian communities to bring us back to our humanity and the gift of sex, the sacredness of sexual intimacy that connects us to ourselves, our beloved, God and life. The author introduces another perspective and draws attention to what was left behind, hidden in ancient Judeo-Christian culture, an attitude that liberates one from shame, guilt and crippled intimacy to fully enjoy the fruit of God’s gift when love, acceptance, mutual respect, awareness and presence are cultivated and integrated. I believe this is a must read for everyone, a thought provoking book that introduces new concepts to liberate anyone who feels shame or guilt around their image body and is denied pleasure in life, particularly in sexual intimacy.

[Allie Marks · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book for a course on Sexuality and Counseling. Dr. Sellers comes at this topic as an MFT, certified sex therapist, and college professor. She’s able to provide rich insight from personal experience when it comes to working with client’s whose sexuality has been impacted negatively by conservative Christianity. She unpacks the effects of purity culture and silence around sex that has led to profound levels of sexual shame. She advocates for a positive view of sex and a reunification of spirituality and sexuality in a beautiful way. Her book is intended for clinicians that are working with clients from conservative Christian backgrounds, and she does not assume the reader holds to the same values. Instead, her purpose is to help counselors work with clients on sexual shame while honoring their religious values.

It’s helpful to remember that she is coming at this as a therapist not a theologian. However, since she does claim to be building a “new biblical sexual ethic,” it feels reasonable to say I expected more from her exegesis. She builds her ethic on the foundation that God is just and loving and kind, but shies away from dealing with some of the imperatives in scripture regarding sexual ethics (likely due to what seems to be a rather low view of Paul). Instead, she leans more on extra-biblical ancient Hebrew texts to build a sex-positive ethic. That being said, it would not be my first choice of book for trying to work through one’s own theology of sex.

[Jeffrey Webb · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a very interesting book. Shermer Sellers has a good handle on the particularities of sexual shame and brokenness that has come as a result of purity culture. She does an excellent job identifying the issues facing the impacted people and I trust that she’s also very skilled using the interventions she outlines in her role as a therapist to help people navigating religious sexual shame.

That being said, it’s hard for me to say that this book itself is a good tool for people who are seeking to find their way out of religious sexual shame. The book seems to be more directed at therapists and, while I didn’t personally take issue with any of the specifics of her content, you’ll probably notice in other reviews that Shermer Sellers’ theology is often too progressive for many of the people who are still early on in their journey of deconstructing the particulars of the faith system that delivered them purity culture.

There are a lot of good pieces of this book and I found it to be overall positive, but I would have a difficult time recommending it to many of the people who I think would most benefit from it. Also, it’s worth noting that the audiobook is very poorly produced.

Overall, a solid read and a resource I will return to but I think it would have benefitted from a better grasp on who exactly would be picking it up looking for help.

[Andrew · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well-written, easy to read, . I agree with most of the positive reviews here, but want to add a couple caveats for potential readers:


This book is, more than I was expecting, focused on practicing Christians who, as adults, are not only trying to work through shame around sexuality but also integrate a healthier sexuality with an active adult religious practice. As a reader who grew up in a conservative Christian environment but am now non-religious, I found the recommended practices/suggestions (second half of the book) to be faith-centered to the point of uselessness for me personally.
This book is written for therapists/counselors. As someone not in that profession, it was still easy to get 95% of the content out of it, but I'm not the intended audience.


I still got a lot of value out of the first half of the book: it focuses on the social history and context that led to the recent "purity movement" and builds a compelling alternate reading of biblical messaging around sexuality. I would still recommend this book to others who grew up in/around the purity movement and are looking for catharsis from it.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tina Schermer Sellers knows this book will be very helpful to some and probably make a lot of people angry with its controversial thesis. While Christianity inspires and uplifts people in many ways, Sellers argues that the Christian church leaves many followers with sex-negative messages (the Don'ts based in behavior) and beliefs. This leaves people stranded with sex misinformation and unhealthy sexual shame that doesn't erase on a wedding night. Because thought is equal to deed, believers carry shame and self-loathing for physiologically normal sexual desires. Judaism and early Christianity carried very sex-positive messages, that sex was beautiful, spiritual, and a gift from God. In the fourth century, the Christian church exchanged this positive message for a much more prohibitive doctrine not based in Jesus' words. Sellers writes this book as an academic treatise in God's desire for humans to enjoy sexuality ethically, a rally against the mind-body split that has caused consumerism and self-dissatisfaction, and as a guide for readers to develop a more healthy relationship to their sexuality through sexual ethics that align with their faith beliefs.

[Ashley Hamm · Rating 2 out of 5]

I must admit that I am not exactly the target audience of this book. It’s written towards therapists who want to help their Christian clients unlearn sexual shame. I’m not Christian, but I am a therapist who works with current and former Christians who are deconstructing their faith, so I thought this book might be helpful. I appreciate what this author set out to do, and I’m sure this book has helped a lot of people. But the focus on Christian cisgender heterosexual couples was way too narrow. The author appears to be somewhat accepting of queer sexuality but did not choose to share any examples. There were also some mixed messages around porn and kink - which is much better than much of the conservative Christian messaging on these topics, but I still felt had a subtle message around there being limits for what’s ok to explore. For a book about unlearning shame I feel she could have gone a bit further in embracing what is ok sexually and her lack of diverse representation could perpetuate shame for those who don’t fit the narrow representation she chose to highlight.

[Heather N · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Sellers is doing such wonderful and necessary work by addressing both the religious and cultural factors that lead to sexual shame and dysfunctional relationships. She aims to provide a body/sex-positive sexual ethic that also honors the Christian faith tradition, a combination that seems sadly uncommon. I didn’t realize until I began reading that this book is primarily directed to other therapists, so the material was a bit more clinical than I had expected, and some of the content would definitely be more effective for the average reader if used in conjunction with regular sessions with a therapist. Nevertheless, the book provides a really refreshing and helpful framework for a holistic understanding of sexuality, spirituality, and relational intimacy, and the ways that they are all interconnected. I think Dr. Seller’s work will bring healing to a lot of people, and I’m so glad that she is bringing these vital conversations forward.

[Eady Jay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably the best book I've read when it comes to reversing religious sexual shame!! It deconstructs purity culture / the old Christian sexual ethic, then reconstructs a new Christian sexual ethic, and on top of that it gives embodiment practices for couples to help them connect during love making. It teaches couples that sex is spiritual and connects us to the love of God. It teaches us how to be more present.

Such a powerful book! I'd recommend this to anyone who wants their intimate relationships to go deeper, and not just sexually, but emotionally and spiritually - holistically! I'd recommend it to single people as well, I WISH I HAD LEARNED THIS WHILE I WAS SINGLE AND HAD ENJOYED, EMBRACED AND EMBODIED MY SEXUALITY AS A SINGLE WOMAN!!

And, this book is not just for therapists, though it's written with them in mind as the reader. Trust me, pretty much everyone in the western world can benefit from this book.

[Tessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is healing in these pages, holy cow.

It's mainly written to therapists to give them understanding and treatment frameworks for people with sexual trauma related to purity culture and evangelicism, but I gleaned so much from it as said person with said trauma. It's practical and at the same time beautiful and celebratory and reverent. And it respects personal conviction while also teaching freedom and exploration within your ethics, which I really appreciate because many materials tend to go to either extreme.

I'm still sitting with it and letting the things that stood out to me internalize further. I especially was stunned by the explanation of eros not being some sinful or lower version of love. God is love and we need not be ashamed of its many expressions and forms.

Absolutely recommend.

[Esther B · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well-constructed yet thoughtful book that courageously exposes the tragedy of silent and/or over-reactive voices in the Christian home and church regarding sexuality and how these have created a culture of shame and sexual illiteracy. Although aimed at sex and family therapists, it was fascinating on a personal level to explore the sex positive Gospel found in Jesus' teaching and to challenge moralistic parenting styles and practices that encourage sexual shame. I loved the many empowering strategies the author shares in creating a sex positive home environment (such as having 100 one minute sex talks throughout a kid's childhood rather than one awkward 100 minute one when kids hit puberty). Lots to say about this book, which is thoroughly challenging yet wonderfully life-giving.