Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love

by Terry Real, Terrence Real

Proven Skills for Navigating the Real Challenges of Intimate Relationships

What does it take for couples to sustain love? How can you deepen your relationship even when you and your partner disagree, fight, or let each other down? "Intimacy isn’t something you have. It’s something you do," teaches Terry Real. "It’s a minute-by-minute practice of connecting to others through empathy, vulnerability, and accountability." With Fierce Intimacy, this renowned author offers a revolutionary way of living in connection—one that allows you to cherish your partner, yourself, and your relationship in equal measure.

How to Communicate with Love and Respect—Even When You Argue

Terry’s approach to relationship is called "full-respect living"—to skillfully and honestly assert your needs while also honoring your partner’s needs. In these six sessions, he presents invaluable training for individuals and couples on developing the skills necessary for this authentic way of connecting. You’ll begin by learning how to clear away the outdated beliefs and habits that keep you from developing healthy self-esteem. Then Terry will help you and your partner transform the Five Losing Strategies that sabotage relationships into the Five Winning Strategies that lead to clear communication, trust, and mutual support.

"When we dare to be more vulnerable and open and honest, we are forging new territory," says Terry Real. Whether you’re still seeking a partner or want to breathe new life into your existing relationship, Fierce Intimacy brings you essential tools for connecting with true respect, uncompromising honesty, and ever-deepening love.

HIGHLIGHTS

• The adaptive child—how to recognize and defuse self-sabotaging habits
• Unhealthy self-esteem traps for men and women
• Identifying your CNI (Core Negative Image)—a key to making arguments constructive instead of destructive
• The Feedback Wheel—a four-step approach to revolutionize your communication
• The Five Losing Strategies: our impulses to control, retaliate, and be right all the time
• The Five Winning Strategies for shared happiness, connection, and success

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Marriage, Love

Audio CD

Published September 4, 2018

About the author

Also writes as Terrence Real.

Reviews

[Mehrsa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the best relationship book/audio course I've ever read. I love how Real connects a variety of different ideas and just gives very practical yet insightful advice about relationships. I also love that he connects his ideas to patriarchy having messed up the way that we relate to eachother.

[Janalee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Apparently, after quite a search, this can only be found in audio. Which was great, I loved listening and his voice. But I need to own the book to mark it up.

Those are just a handful of notes because toward the end of listening, I finally got the hang of my bookmark feature on the audio book (hoopla).

*Let partner (usually the man) know upfront that you just want an empathetic listener, not a solution-based listener. "Say, I'm really sorry, tell me more about it".

*No one is irrational to themselves. They make sense to themselves. It's your job as a listener to make sense of what they are intending or meaning.

*"I understand how you can see it that way" - to diffuse the argument. compassion/empathy. Change from contention to curiosity.

*With contention there are.. The facts, what you make up out of it, the feelings that come.
Solution: present the fact, say what you assumed, admit the feeling, ask for what you want next time it happens.

*The great apology: "you're right" admit your shortcoming. promise to do your best to work on it. "It's an imperfection of my character".

*Before you can have therapy, you must deal with 3 issues:

1) untreated psychiatric issues (bipolar, depression, etc.) "You have the right to have these problems and do nothing about it IF you live alone. But you have a responsibility to do something about it and get healthy if you have a family". The spouse needs to get them the help they need. It's not a time to demand they do this themselves.

2) self-medication: Addictions to gambling, sex, spending, substances. 12-step programs are best. can do professional interventions.

3) Acting out: aggression, abuse. you have a right to be physically safe in your family.


This was the best relationship book I've ever read. The notes will be sparse though because audiobook. Will listen to this again.

Thanks, Bekka for the rec!

[Bekka · Rating 5 out of 5]

My sister recommended this book to me and let’s just say Terry Real keeps it real. This is one of the best relationship books/courses I’ve taken. He does a phenomenal job explaining the ways we sabotage our relationships by defaulting to our adaptive child. He also calls out the way patriarchy messes up all relationships and prohibits real intimacy for men and women. I love that he gave actionable things to practice. I listened to the book but I’m gonna have to buy this book now. It’s a relationship bible. And I mean that. Like the Kardashians say, “bible.”

[Marili · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of good practice and info in this book. Usually don’t like these types of books but I actually found myself engaging in it.

[Eryka · Rating 4 out of 5]

From the gate, I was 100% impressed with everything the author and Ted Talk speaker had to say in this audiobook. The tools, resources, and practices were inspiring and easy to apply to relationships of all kinds. I took copious notes, laughed, smiled, and enjoyed the author’s take on strengthening relationships, intimacy, communication, and handling conflict. Until I got to the story he shared about his son in the Raising Relational Kids section. During a conversation with his son, the author concludes that his son was talking about class when discussing the difference between public school students and private school students and also blacks and whites (5 hours and 54 minutes). I was grossly appalled by the prejudice displayed by this author. How could someone who has spent so much time researching communication, empathy, and unbiased viewpoints make an offhand comment of this nature? If I’ve misinterpreted this comment in any way, I’d like to hear about it. But I’m pretty sure the author has publicly stated his belief that white boys and black boys are in different social/economic classes, based only on God knows what. I find this type of subtle racism to be beyond disgusting and disappointing. It totally detracted from my experience with his work.

[Shalyce · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best marriage books I have listened to that gives practical application. I really need to listen to it again and take notes. Less theoretical than Gottman and not as specific as Chapman, I’ll definitely explore his ideas more and be reading his New Rules of Marriage book. It was nice to hear his personal experiences and see that even two marriage therapists have to work on their marriage.

[Nollie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend. One of the best relationship books I’ve encountered. Only on audio, listened to the whole thing then listened to most of it again with Andy on a car ride home from Utah. Super helpful framings and tools that allowed us to work through some of our major relationship sticking points. The author is very listenable and uses lots of stories and examples.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to this as an audiobook and really enjoyed it - he has a clear, compassionate but no nonsense approach to understanding yourself, accepting others, showing up and taking action.

Work on yourself and acknowledge where you sit on the scale between grandiosity and shame ... sometimes you need to step up, others step down. Then get comfortable with boundaries - both a containing boundary to keep your chaos in and not project it on others and a protective boundary to keep others chaos out. He describes it as the two skins of an orange which I liked. Ok here are all my notes so I remember:

“If you are boundaryless you are dependent cold blooded like a newt You sit on a rock and feel whatever the rock feels (warm or cold you take it all in) same with people - others think highly / poorly of you and oh take it in. Others based esteem. Boundaryless and dependent means that you’re controlling whether it’s overt or covert. The only way you can feel good about yourself is to change someone else’s opinion of you / family etc. nothing between the stimulus and your own sense of self.”

“Am I getting enough in this relationship to make grieving what I’m not getting worth my while - grieve you will because we all want perfection”

Five Losing Strategies:
1. Being Right
a) Arguing about whose view is more accurate
b) Fuels self-righteous indignation
2. Controlling Your Partner
a) Can be direct or indirect manipulation
b) No-one likes being controlled. It leads to retaliation & payback
3. Unbridled Self-expression
a) Saying whatever is on your mind with no kindness or respect
4. Retaliation
a) Offending from the victim position
b) I’ll make you feel what I feel
c) Can be overt or covert (passive aggressive)
5. Withdrawal
a) This is different from taking a responsible time-out or responsible distance taking
b) Comes from resignation or retaliation.

Five Winning Strategies:
1. Shift from Complaint to Request
a) Learn how to speak and ask for what you want
b) Make your requests specific, behavioural & reasonable.
2. Speak to Repair with Love & Respect
a) Contract with your partner to engage in a 10 minute dialogue or repair conversation
b) Remember love
c) Use the 4 steps of the feedback wheel
1. What I saw & heard
2. What I made up about it
3. How I feel about it
4. What I’d like
d) Let go of the outcome.
3. Listen With Compassion
a) Listen to understand – you don’t have to agree b) Acknowledge whatever you can
c) Give whatever you can
4. Empower Each Other
a) Acknowledge the gifts the responder has offered
b) Ask what you can do to help the responder deliver
c) Acknowledge whatever you can & give whatever you can.
5. Cherish each other
a) Give your partner specific positive feedback & appreciations daily b) Nourish yourself & your relationship with time & energy
c) Practice smart generosity
d) Give back to the world.

Adaptive child v functional adult
Self preservation v healthy self esteem and good boundaries
Black and white v nuanced
Perfectionistic v realistic
Relentless v forgiving
Rigid v flexible
Hard v supple and yielding
Harsh v warm
Certain v humble
Tight in body v relaxed

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first heard about Terrence Real from Brene’ Brown, and decided to finally give some of his work a go. These audio sessions were an extremely powerful set of instructions and insights that can be immediately implemented. I took copious notes that I will refer back to constantly and implement in my own self-work and my practice as a therapist. I loved his book, “How do I get through to you” and this audio production takes a lot of those fundamentals for transforming yourself and your intimate relationships and lays them out in succinct and practical ways.

If everyone practiced fierce intimacy the way it is laid out in this book, the world would be full of “functional adults” instead of “adaptive children”. I love that he comes from a place of not only expertise, but also his experience of building better intimacy in his own marriage.

[Joel Brain · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is only an audiobook. I listened to it. It is very similar in content to the newly published book, US (which wasn't on this site at the time of my review) I like Terry Real a lot. He's got some great insight into relationships. How they work and how they don't. What to do when they aren't. If you're wanting something to fix your partner you won't be finding it here. But if you're wanting to be a better person and a better partner he has something you might want to hear. Individuals would benefit by listening to this. If both parties are willing that might be even better.

I first heard Terry talking about male depression on a podcast about 3 years ago. I listened to it twice. Then I bought his first book - I Don't Want to Talk About It- I read it twice. I'm about to go through it again.

I think this guy has some great practical insights about healing. Both personal healing and relational healing. And about generational healing. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids... and your grandkids... and....

[Kimberly Peterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

We have at least three Terry Real books in our house. I've never actually read one, despite hearing how fantastic they are. So this time I listened to the audiobook, and I could not be happier that I did! Using a series of examples, Real talks about major - but simple - tenets of communication between partners. There were so many times I wanted to stop the audiobook to write down a quote or take notes, so maybe this one is better on paper so it can be used as a reference later. There are too many gems to repeat them all here, but the part that really stuck with me was about the preconditions for intimacy in the final section of the book. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is currently partnered, plans to be, or whose partnership has fallen apart (so I guess...almost everybody?). Not only will there be helpful takeaways, but they come from someone who explains concepts clearly and humbly admits the ways he's done it wrong throughout the years in his own marriage. Humility, vulnerability, and actionable steps...more of this, please!

[Kia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this. It taught me about communicating effectively like an adult should. Not always running to my inner child and being defensive or offensive.

Good read . I would recommend for anyone constantly arguing with loved ones, specifically romantic partners.

[Max Jung]

Second reading
Back to back listening, back to back learning


First reading
Terry Real knows what's what

This was so good, so much to think about and work on. Loved it

[Evil Secret Ninja · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great work by the author he tries to help people improve the worst relationships

[T. Laane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely a MUST READ for every couple, worth the high rating. Every once in a while there comes an author that blows me away - both on the quality of his material and the person himself as a role model. Since I’ve read about a thousand books, I don’t get surprised often - and I make notes when I hear something new. This book - took TONS of notes. So much material in here that You will not hear anywhere else!
***
EQUAL WORTH. The book’s core point is don’t sink below others in shame and don’t float above them in grandiosity – meet people at the same level, because only there can intimacy and real equality happen. If you feel above others, that’s a grandiose complex; if you feel below, that’s shame. Both run on contempt – either for others or for yourself. Only the middle is healthy, where everyone’s equal. Rich social connection literally boosts physical health, so this isn’t just vibes, it’s biology. True freedom is getting free from your automatic reactions instead of being their puppet.
STATUS TRAPS. Performance-based self-esteem says you’re only as good as your last rep, deal, or orgasm – tomorrow there’s new competition, cue workaholism. Possession-based worth says “I matter because I own stuff – trophy spouse, car, company, muscles” – cue greed. Approval-based worth says “I’m valuable if you think I’m valuable” – often codependent, cue love addiction.
RESPECT AS A RULE. Make a promise: never tolerate disrespectful speech toward you and don’t dish it out either – that keeps you from being “better than” or “less than” any fellow human. Shame is you beating up you – one harsh part pummeling a vulnerable part – so you talk back to that voice, explain calmly why it’s unfair and wrong, and why you didn’t deserve that internal attack. Shame is nastier to sit with than grandiosity, because shame feels bad and grandiosity feels good – which is exactly why grandiosity can be trickier to spot in yourself.
WINNING STRATEGY. Fight for what truly matters to you in the relationship and dare to rock the boat – with love, not with a sledgehammer. Help your partner win too: you have expectations, they solve things differently, so coach like a teammate and give clear instructions for how they can succeed.
FEEDBACK WITHOUT FIRE. If you want to call something out, first ask permission if now works, then state briefly and neutrally what happened, then add “what I made up about it was…” so you own your interpretation. When naming feelings, don’t lead with the first hot feeling – find the second feeling and leave that for last. Don’t start with an argument – start with what you agree with. If you offer solutions one, three, and five, they often won’t even chase two and four.
LISTENING IS A ROLE. Most couples are two talkers and zero listeners. The listener’s job isn’t “yeah, but…” reality-policing – you’re interviewing your partner to understand their perspective, not debating facts. We all see reality wrong, so care more about your partner than about being right. When your partner brings a broken toaster, you don’t reply “well my TV is broken” – you service the toaster in front of you.
WORDS THAT HEAL. Golden line after listening: “I can see how you’d view it that way,” even if you don’t agree. After you’ve heard her and she wants something, start with what you do agree to, not with what you refuse. Everything you want in the relationship, you must ask for, and ask how you can make it easier for your partner to deliver.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE WAVES. Your relationship with yourself is always fluctuating, yet people expect their relationship with a partner to be stable from day one – impossible. The grandiose fantasy says “with someone else it would be perfect” – also impossible. Happy couples often look endlessly steady, but nobody mentions the year they split and dated other people – the myth is smooth seas, the reality is constant waves.
CHECK YOUR MOMENTS. The reflection exercise: recall a recent moment of shame with your partner and a recent moment of feeling grandiose. My shame: not telling that I drank alcohol instead of owning up that, yes, sometimes I slip, and I could be open about it. My grandiosity: pushing the same advice over and over – if it were that brilliant, they’d take it – I’m not the expert of their life, so stop pushing and meet them as an equal, a simple human. Another pattern: I feel shame when I imagine others think I’m better than I really am, and grandiosity when I imagine I’m better and want to avoid the harsh reality check.
BOUNDARIES VS WALLS. Too many boundaries turn into a fortress that isolates you. A wall can be silence or anger, TV binges or work marathons. A wall can block both ways – nothing in or nothing out. Real boundaries don’t forbid people from being critical; they just stop you from swallowing it whole – you let it pass by without taking it personally. Care less about what others think about you – that button gets used to control you, so stop handing out free access to your panel.
CENTERING PRACTICE. The exercises I like: first identify whether your default is shame or grandiosity. Then imagine a recent moment with your partner in that pattern and practice moving to the center – not above, not below, just equal. For me, that includes not believing whatever identity my partner throws at me in anger – it’s inaccurate in the heat of the moment. Don’t let it rattle you. Know your own value.
PROBLEM PATTERNS. Five of them are mentioned: 1) Being right and arguing as a sport 2) pushing with force or manipulation 3) ventilating with the greatest hits of past grievances - you did x now, last week y, last year z, you’re always like that 4) revenge mode where I don’t get hurt I retaliate in rage or passive-aggressive 5) withdrawing with a cold “we don’t talk about X” without saying why or when I’ll be back. By the way, there is no value in harshness - loving firmness beats it every time.
ADAPTIVE CHILD VS FUNCTIONAL ADULT. Erik Erickson framing: the adaptive child reacts from old survival scripts, the functional adult responds with choice. True freedom is freedom from our automatic responses, not from consequences. Couples have the same fight for 40 years, so upgrade the part of you that’s doing the fighting.
PWV CAGE MATCH. We all imagine the Partner’s Worst Version – "PWV" – and when the fight starts it’s those worst versions boxing each other while the real you two might as well grab beers and watch from the bleachers. An exercise: put your PWV into words to each other, name the caricatures so they lose power.
BOUNDARIES, NOT BRICK WALLS. It’s fine to step back, but say why you’re pulling away and when you’ll be back from the break. Walls can be silence, anger, TV binges, or work – they block both directions, nothing in and nothing out. Boundaries don’t muzzle criticism; they keep you from swallowing it. If you can control your rage with the police, you can control it anywhere. Oh, and when the rage has past with Your partner - do not touch that topic for 24 hours. Keep it off limits for now, and reconcile the relationship.
WATER THE FLOWERS. Thinking kind thoughts about your partner isn’t enough – say the beautiful things out loud. Flowers need water, not vibes. A couples coach should be specifically trained, the help should be big not tiny, and when there’s a true mental disorder or a compulsive addiction, you address it head-on, not with pep talks.

[Amy]

I'm writing this review in hindsight, but having just found my notes, I'm going to type them in. I remember really likely this book and finding its perspective and exercises to be very helpful.

Notes:

Unhealthy sources of self-esteem: outside in instead of inside out
1) Performance based
-You are only as good as your last achievement
2) Attribute based
-I have worth because of what I have (muscles, fancy car, my kid goes to Harvard)
3) Other based
-Love Addiction
-I have worth because you think I do

Healthy Self-Esteem: I'm just like you -- not better, not worse. Appropriate remorse. Not shame, not grandiosity.
Shame and grandiosity is the same emotion, just going in different directions.
Contempt is the root of all psychological violence.
Step off the contempt path; live non-violently.
Ask yourself if what you're about to say is respectful of the other person. And if it isn't, shut up. Make this commitment.

Health --> appropriate remorse

Abuse
1) disempowerment
2) false empowerment / pumping them up

If you want to do exactly what you want to do, be alone. Once you invite somebody int your world, you have to pay some attention to what they want.

3 Aspects of Good Parenting:
1) Nurture
2) Guidance
3) Limits

How Do You Do Self-Esteem Work?
-start to notice when you're one up and when you're one down

Boundaries
-physical
-psychological
1) containing: protects the world from you, inside piece
2) protective: protects you from the world / the incoming
people don't respond well to demands

It's a spectrum from boundary-less (thin skin, connected but not protected) to walled in / off (not taking in anything, protected but not connected). Health is in the middle.

He presents a grid of this with four cardinal positions:
1) boundaryless / one down:
-desperation. Love me. Love me, I'll do anything for you to love me.
-often manipulative
-codependence
2) boundaryless / one up:
-G-d damnit, get your butt off the coach, get over here and love me right now.
-control and anger
-all abusers live here
3) walled off / one down:
-resignation / depression / withdrawn
4) walled off / on up:
-passive aggressive
-social climbers
-indifference
-energy is meanness
-snob

Where you are (your quadrant) will tell you what type of work you have to do to get to center.
1) breathe yourself into healthy self esteem
2) come down off your high horse. control yourself and contain.
3) engage again. Fight the good fight.
4) You are not God's gift.

Boundaryless --> dependent and controlling.
-only way for you to feel better when someone doesn't like you is for you to change their mind
-love dependent
-anxious attachment style

Walled off
-love avoidant

Adults don't get abandoned, just children do. Adults get rejected, distanced from, left.

The blame is on the dynamic not on the people.
It's both of us against the problem, not you against me.
Step out of the demon dialogue.
Step into your adult behaviour.
Move into the circle of health.

All relationships are an endless dance of:
-harmony, disharmony, and repair
-closeness,
disruption, and return to closeness
essential rhythm of all intimate human relationships
can play out multiple times over dinner
also play out over decades

disillusionment: knowledge without love
Disharmony / disillusionment is rarely acknowledged.
-dark
-it is integral to all relationships
-normal "marital hatred" is part of the deal. the trick is moving back into repair.

Those wondering if they should stay or go relational reckoning:
am I getting enough from this relationship to make the grieving of what I am not getting worthwhile?

5 Losing Strategies
1 - being right
Objective reality has no place in personal relationships. Objective reality doesn't matter. It literally doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong.
2 - controlling your partner
Trying to get them to see this or do this. Direct control (typically a male thing). Indirect / manipulation (typically female). ***Men learn to close their hearts, women learn to close their voices.***
3 - unbridled self-expression
4 - retaliation
Offending from the victim position. 90% of violence. You become a perpetrator while telling yourself you're the victim. ***Punishing someone will never bring someone into increased accountability.***
5 - withdrawal

Come out of your adaptive child and into the functional adult.
***There is no redeeming value in harshness. There is nothing it does that loving firmness doesn't do better.***

CNI = Core Negative Image.
-that you have of your partner
-that they have of you.
The core of your worst enemy can become one of your greatest tools.
Your partner's CNI of you is an exaggerated version of you at your worst. It is never-the-less there. Grain of truth. You have to accept the grains of truth in your partner's CNI of you.
Make your CNI of your partner explicit. Put words to it.
Write out your best guess of your partner's CNI of you.
Your partner's CNI of you is a compass of where you don't want to go. If I do something that is the opposite of my partner's CNI of me, it is calming / soothing to them. If I do something that reinforces it, it gets my partner all worked up.
You have to be grown up enough to use this!
When you reinforce your CNI, accept it! Acknowledge it. Own it.
Think of 3 behaviors I've engaged in recently that are CNI confirming
Think of 3 behavior that would be CNI busting

5 Winning Strategies
1) Go after what you want
Three phases:
A) daring to rock the boat. Such-and-such is really important to me. I'm not kidding. Assertion.
B) Helping him / her win / succeed. Tell him at the beginning of the conversation that you want empathetic listening. Give instructions up front like a teammate.
C) Making it worth their while. If he's trying, reward him. Give positive feeedback. Celebrate the glass being 15% full when it was 5% full last week.
2) Speak to make things better
Speaking up to your partner with love. Before you speak, make sure you're in your adult self. Make sure you're not using a losing strategy. Are you remembering the person you're speaking to is the one you love? That you're speaking for the reason of making things better? W.A.I.T = why am I talking?
Don't tell your partner what they did was wrong, invite them to do it better. There's nothing that you need to say that you can't say humbly and subjectively. Demand is appropriate in two situations: 1) emergencies, 2) ultimatums. Speak up and let go. Practice detachment from outcome. Pat attention to your side. Meeting immoderateness with moderateness. Being in your functional adult self brings a little loneliness.
How to Complain. The art of complaining: do your own work -- get centered. Ask your partner if they can talk to you. Feedback reel itself where each should be 2 sentences or less: this is what happened. This is what I made up about it. This is how I feel about it. Request.
3) Listen to understand
4) Respond with generosity
5) Cherish what you have

[Ken Saunders · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Our culture - our consumerist, narcissistic, addictive, patriarchal culture - loves adaptive children and actively fears functional adults.
Black and white. Perfectionistic. Relentless. Rigid. Harsh, hard, certain and tight: that's you on a bad day.
Many of us think that these qualities are actually virtues ... this is nonsense."

Unless your job involves ranting into a microphone you will find this book very compelling and relevant. The message of compromise and the approach to building communication skills will benefit anyone, not just those in intimate relationships. The exercises and advice are easy to follow and rewarding even when they are uncomfortable.

The book is also fascinating beyond the practical aspect. Author Real presents ideas in the context of a patriarchal society that selectively borrows from Christianity. He also criticizes the role therapists from Freud onward have played in promoting individualism at the expense of a healthy relationship. Listening to this book you will think that much of what passes for therapy is lazy encouragement that reinforces selfish behavior. I honestly don't believe that most actual therapists are guilty of this failure. Maybe Real doesn't either because the examples he cites are fictional. Still, it is effective. And after decades of watching people argue on cable TV and social apps, it is probably good for everyone to get a nice reminder to let go of the need to feel right and/or self-righteous.

[Kristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

For therapists, you won’t hear a lot of new information here. I did appreciate his stories about navigating his own marriage (two marriage and family therapists, no less.) I appreciate his down to earth delivery. We disagree on some things, but overall this was a decent listen.

[Sarah Obsesses over Books & Cookies · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great primer to an awakening to change in your relationship- and for yourself. The best $ I have spent on a self-help recording (or any book). I heard about Terry Real in a book called How not to Hate Your Husband. The author and her husband went to a therapy intensive with him and she reported everything, the book and the bad but it was honest and I have since daydreamed about the ability of going myself but he's too expensive and I don't even know if he's taking on new clients etc. anyway, he gives you 6 sessions where he talks about self esteem and why we act or behave or act out the way we do, how to disarm an angry partner, how to learn more about what you want and how to get what you want while also helping your partner get what he or she wants. It didn't sound like bullshit or platitudes or the same old crap most self help stuff blabs about. Good for those in a dire need and good for those who just need a tune up.

[Camille Hope · Rating 5 out of 5]

READ THIS BOOK!! Helpful for ALL relationships, romantic or otherwise

[Kate Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW—this book has cut like a hot knife through butter into an impasse I’ve been gnawing on in my internal world for a few years. I feel so grateful to have read it.

More than can be said about the vast majority of self help and therapeutic type books I’ve dabbled in.

All of the content feels intuitive, but I really appreciated Terry’s candid and accessible tone and clearly he has so much clinical experience backing up the techniques.

Biggest things I loved:
- shame and grandiosity are 2 sides of the same coin—contempt. POWERFUL exercise: recognizing when you’re in that state, physically visualizing pulling your head back into center (one up and one down—identify how it feels in your body)
- visualizing placing a psychological boundary (so effective and simple)
- harmony, disharmony, and repair happen many times in even one single conversation. This is normal.
- not sharing everything you think is a sign of health
- the world rewards adaptive children (I have started seeing this so clearly when I watch TV. Just a bunch of adaptive children squabbling)
- how to complain: 1. What happened (what a video camera would record)
2. What I made up about it (thoughts)
3. What I feel about it (skip over the strongest feeling. Save it for last. Move into vulnerability. (I was afraid))
4. What can they do to make you feel better — RIGHT NOW (not “never do this again,” but “can you help me with this small task right now?”)
- being in a fundamentally cherishing relationship is your birthright! Childhood trauma can make it feel like something you don’t deserve. This is a way of healing from your family of origin. Allow yourself to cherish and be cherished.
- create an ecosystem of relational empowerment around you
- misery stabilizers (TV, drinking, phone) are things that make things tolerable that you’d be better off standing up to.

Overall so good. Already on hold again to listen to it all again and hear what i missed

[andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots to chew on! am sure I will continue to return to & reference my copious notes! (too bad it's available via Audible (amazon) only).

While I found many useful insights, there were some statements/POV that I found counter my own experience - one had to do with his take on trauma arising from childhoods lived with disengaged parents; I think a lot of trauma arises with fully engaged parents... different for sure, but happens.
Also, and more bothersome, is that despite Real's talk about breaking free/apart from all that Patriarchal Society has instituted and inculcated in us, he doesn't seem to recognize a lot that is part of female existence - eg. we too have performance requirements put on us...ask any woman in the work force - we're required to do at least as much and as well as our male counterparts ... and do it without foot-stamping/door-slamming or whining. Terry Real paints a picture of men being required to perform and women being required to sit back and hush .. only for some, perhaps the more privileged, is that really the case - or at least in my lived-in worlds.

I do recommend this thought for anyone interested in discovering ways to avoid the "blame game", and move into deeper more compassionate territory.

[Mason · Rating 2 out of 5]

It has good info in it. It's like DBT and Gottman Method with a sprinkling of parts work. My critical points are the same as many programs or theories out there, that they make very little effort to include marginalized identities into the mold. I also liked his snarky authenticity at first, but it comes off as harsh in places that I don't think are necessary or helpful for a lot of people who would be seeking the info from this book. If it feels abrasive to me, I think the type of clients I tend to work with would have a similar reaction.

There's also some statements that just push black and white/oversimplified frames of thought. I'm thinking specifically of when he's talking about adults being unable to be abandoned. I get what he's going for--that there is a difference between our childhood wounds and the current day choices and autonomy adults tend to have--and also I'm thinking of disabled folks whose partners care for them, those who English is a second language, other types of marginalization that make a wound from a partner threatening to current stability.

It comes off as missing nuance and depth, same problem Brene Brown has run into the longer she churns out repetitive best sellers.

[Lexi readingwhilehot · Rating 5 out of 5]

No joke, this is SO GOOD. We need more accountability and responsibility in relationships, and also that we don’t have control over others. It’s basically the Let Them theory but presented by your Jewish workaholic uncle. I found it helpful in my hetero- relationship with a man, and feel like men would also resonate given the commitment for both parties in the relationship to own their stuff. If you can’t afford couples therapy, or don’t know where to start THIS BOOK will be mind blowingly good.

There are definitely things that we know now that aren’t addressed, in traumatic relationship patterns that complicate the authors simplistic presentation. That said, I would still recommend it to ANYONE working through relationship tension or just improving communication. I think this is an approachable and Usable book for couples

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the personal element of hearing this book read by the author, as this brought to life the raw honesty and authenticity delivered through it.
Quite a few things have really stuck with me from this book, but particularly the way that the book talks through the relationship grid, providing insights and ways to work with these ways of relating that we have learned from our earlier life.
I'd highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in their relationship, or who, like me, knows that you can at times have maladaptive ways of managing difficulties in relationships. (Be prepared, it will challenge you! But in a way that will be wonderful if you're in the right place to receive it.)

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Terry Real is a phenomenal relationship counselor. (Get. The. Audible.) This book, which my partner and I listened to one chapter at a time on drives, was more effective than any couple’s counseling I’ve ever experienced. Terry is funny and has a way of being self-deprecating about his own issues so that men feel less vulnerable, and he teaches practical skills. Excellent for just staying in alignment or working out real problems. Begin with Chapter 46 which is a guide on how to use the book effectively.

[Helen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really insightful and informative with lots of great examples based on him and his wife or other couples that help you see the concepts in action and understand them better.

I just wish the information was also available as a book, or that the audio came with a transcript.

Having ADHD, I am unfortunately prone to zoning out when it's just audio. I am much better with written text (and I also just love the tactile feel and experience of physical books). I thought the author should've been more cognizant to the fact that audio isn't the best format for everyone having ADHD himself.

[Eric Hard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the kind of book written for brains that repeat their mistakes and keep forgetting stuff that -- if they would only retain it -- would change their lives for the better, almost immediately. Just keep re-reading this brilliant treatment of how to get along with your mate. It deftly steers one from the ruts human brains insist upon. It is a reminder that being "right" is meaningless, and that cultivating a sense of diplomacy and mutual caring pays huge dividends, without being degrading.

[Vinnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A quick, intensive, and INTENTIONAL look at self and relationships with tools and strategies to communicate in healthy ways. Therapy sessions in a 6-hr audio book. Great resource to have on hand to refer back to. Excellent exercises to practice. I didn’t agree with everything because it’s not for ME personally, but still recommend. Especially when it’s such an easy and accessible resource.

For those not doing the intentional healing work yet or not seeing a therapist for a multitude of reasons… this is a great start.

[Ramon Saravia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really great audio-book on how to improve relationships. Particularly focused on relationship with spouses, but also with learnings applicable to other settings (ex. friends, work colleages etc.). Terry is very friendly and down to earth with his view and recommendations, and although it could seem sometimes a bit "robotic" their implementation, they are definitely worth the try - and become more natural with time (what it has been said by some colleagues ahead of myself in this journey!). Worth every minute of listening.