- HellohermajestystheatrebruceherehowmayIhelpyou?
- Good evening. I would like to speak to the general manager.
- That's me.
- You are the general manager?
- Yup.
- Well then Mr... ah... Bruce, am I correct in thinking that you will be presenting a performance of Gas Light later this evening?
- Starting in one hour and twenty-seven minutes. We still have some ticks left if you can get here in time. Good seats.
- Mr... ah... Bruce, I am calling to request that you cancel the performance forthwith.
- Is this something about covid? Cause we did all that last week, our clearances are up to date mate, you can check if you like.
- This is not about the Chinese virus. I am a legal representative of President Donald J. Trump, and I am calling to request that you cancel with immediate effect a performance which is highly injurious to the reputation of my client.
- You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- Mr Bruce, I am not "kidding you". I--
- You're a Pom. You can't be Trump's fucking lawyer mate.
- Mr Bruce, I am indeed British by origin, as you so astutely observe. I am a naturalised American citizen. My name is Geoffrey Runne, and I am the only partner in the firm of Sue, Grabbit and Runne who is conversant with Australian law. If you check your email you will see the message I sent to you earlier.
- Hold the line a mo Geoff... where the fuck is it... Jesus fucking Christ, you're legit. Fuck me.
- I would prefer not to, Mr Bruce.
- But Geoff, what the fuck is this about for fuck's sakes?
- Mr Bruce, is it or is it not true that the male lead in your performance will be made up to look like President Trump?
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Do I understand you to mean that you claim it is not true?
- Of course it isn't fucking true, you Pommy wanker. What the fuck do you mean?
- Very well, Mr Bruce, deny it if you will. And do you also deny that the female lead is made up to look like the United States of America?
- How the fuck would we make her up to look like the United States of fucking America?
- So you deny that she will be wearing a red, blue and white dress with a crown resembling the one worn by the Statue of Liberty?
- Listen fuckwit, she's wearing a blue dress but there's no red, no white, no fucking--
- So you admit that at least one of the colours is present?
- Okay Hercule fucking Poirot, you got me with the blue dress.
- Thank you, Mr Bruce. Also, is it true that the male lead is presented as an incurable philanderer, who spends virtually the entire play sexually harassing his young female employee?
- Of course it's fucking true. That's what the character does right, it's in the fucking script. So fucking what?
- Mr Bruce, would you call the President of the United States an incurable philanderer, who is well known for sexually harassing his female employees?
- Well since you ask, I would, but he fucking denies it.
- You are right, Mr Bruce. None of these allegations are true. Nonetheless, they have been made so frequently, and so persistently, that many members of the public incorrectly believe them to be true.
- Matey, you are fucking insane.
- Mr Bruce, shall we stop wasting each other's time. Over the last four years, the word 'gaslighting' has been used so many times in connection with President Trump that it is virtually impossible for anyone to hear it without thinking of him. When you decided to stage this play, did you, or did you not think of him?
- I suppose I might have fucking thought of him.
- Did you, or did you not, Mr Bruce? Yes or no.
- Okay, I fucking thought of him.
- Thank you Mr Bruce, you have been very helpful. Now I am asking you once again to cancel your production. I would like to add that our attitude to damages will depend on the nature of your reply.
- ...
- Hello, Mr Bruce? Are you still there? I am waiting for your reply.
- Well Geoff, I'm wondering what your attitude to damages will be when I say that my reply is fuck off.
- I am sorry that we could not reach an amicable agreement, Mr Bruce. I look forward to seeing you in court.
[Click]
- Okay mate you were right. I owe you a cold one.
- Yeah, you can't buy publicity like that.