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All We Knew But Couldn't Say
Joanne Vannicola grew up in a violent home with a physically abusive father and a mother who had no sexual boundaries.
After Joanne is pressured to leave home at fourteen, encouraged by her mother to seek out an acting career, she finds herself in a strange city, struggling to cope with her memories and fears. She makes the decision to cut her mother out of her life, and over the next several years goes on to create a body of work as a successful television and film actor. Then, after fifteen years of estrangement, Joanne learns that her mother is dying. Compelled to reconnect, she visits with her, unearthing a trove of devastating secrets.
Joanne relates her journey from child performer to Emmy Award-winning actor, from hiding in the closet to embracing her own sexuality, from conflicted daughter and sibling to independent woman. All We Knew But Couldn’t Say is a testament to survival, love, and Joanne’s fundamental belief that it is possible to love the broken and to love fully, even with a broken heart.
After Joanne is pressured to leave home at fourteen, encouraged by her mother to seek out an acting career, she finds herself in a strange city, struggling to cope with her memories and fears. She makes the decision to cut her mother out of her life, and over the next several years goes on to create a body of work as a successful television and film actor. Then, after fifteen years of estrangement, Joanne learns that her mother is dying. Compelled to reconnect, she visits with her, unearthing a trove of devastating secrets.
Joanne relates her journey from child performer to Emmy Award-winning actor, from hiding in the closet to embracing her own sexuality, from conflicted daughter and sibling to independent woman. All We Knew But Couldn’t Say is a testament to survival, love, and Joanne’s fundamental belief that it is possible to love the broken and to love fully, even with a broken heart.
264 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 2019
24 people are currently reading
2143 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 93 reviews
July 1, 2019
I’m not familiar with Joanne Vannicola’s film or TV work but her memoir is a testament to her strength of character and sheer survival skills. Joanne grew up in Canada as one of four children of a controlling mother and abusive father. In 2002 she sees her mother for the first time in fifteen years because her mother is dying with stage four uterine cancer. With her visit to her mother in hospital, she begins the recollection of her childhood. The unfolding of what she and her siblings were put through is devastating and horrific.
Her mother, who seemed controlling and unprotective of her children initially, is revealed as an appalling human being. I got to the point where I couldn’t understand why any of the children would go and see her in hospital just because she was dying. Then I realised that it is perhaps easier to forgive someone when they’re dying because one can release oneself from that destructive attachment. I think it is extraordinary that Joanne was able to be there for her mother and converse with her as she lay dying.
Her story is powerful and engaging as is the way it is written. There is one thing that did have me raising my eyebrows though. She refers to her ‘secret escapades’ in Cape Town.
“I found an illegal underground gay bar and danced to music from the seventies, even though it was the nineties, while men in tight suits sniffed poppers and we all knew to be careful.”
My sister lived in Cape Town in the late eighties and nineties and when I was visiting her we would go to clubs and people really didn’t give a damn what you were doing. My sister and I were both open about our orientation and publicly demonstrative with our partners. People in Cape Town really didn’t care and it was always one of the most liberal cities in our country. In 1996 our post-Apartheid constitution was the first in the world to outlaw discrimination based on sexual orientation.
I will concede that Vannicola’s experience and perception is her own and that may be how she genuinely felt. Perhaps my perception is coloured by the fact that I was from a more conservative city and Cape Town seemed so free and accepting. Other than that this is a superb autobiography and well worth reading even though it is not an easy read.
Book received from Netgalley and Dundurn Press for an honest review.
Her mother, who seemed controlling and unprotective of her children initially, is revealed as an appalling human being. I got to the point where I couldn’t understand why any of the children would go and see her in hospital just because she was dying. Then I realised that it is perhaps easier to forgive someone when they’re dying because one can release oneself from that destructive attachment. I think it is extraordinary that Joanne was able to be there for her mother and converse with her as she lay dying.
Her story is powerful and engaging as is the way it is written. There is one thing that did have me raising my eyebrows though. She refers to her ‘secret escapades’ in Cape Town.
“I found an illegal underground gay bar and danced to music from the seventies, even though it was the nineties, while men in tight suits sniffed poppers and we all knew to be careful.”
My sister lived in Cape Town in the late eighties and nineties and when I was visiting her we would go to clubs and people really didn’t give a damn what you were doing. My sister and I were both open about our orientation and publicly demonstrative with our partners. People in Cape Town really didn’t care and it was always one of the most liberal cities in our country. In 1996 our post-Apartheid constitution was the first in the world to outlaw discrimination based on sexual orientation.
I will concede that Vannicola’s experience and perception is her own and that may be how she genuinely felt. Perhaps my perception is coloured by the fact that I was from a more conservative city and Cape Town seemed so free and accepting. Other than that this is a superb autobiography and well worth reading even though it is not an easy read.
Book received from Netgalley and Dundurn Press for an honest review.
April 7, 2019
The author, an award winning actor, activist, and writer, hides nothing and most importantly is honest with herself as she relates her real life story in raw, lyrical detail.
It’s a book telling of abusive parents, of being a professional actor since she was 8 years old, of brutal battles with anorexia, drugs, and alcohol before the age of 15.
It’s very difficult to read early on because you’re thinking, she’s 5, 8, then 11 years old, a child who is experiencing heinous acts, physical and sexual abuse, attacks on her psyche by the people in charge of her, parents, teachers. Her friends are in no better shape, skinny, gay kids like herself making it on the streets by any means or being shamelessly exploited by adults in the industry or who are in other roles of authority.
Then we follow her to Toronto at 14 years old, living on her own, still working as a professional actor, not even knowing simple adult things like cooking or even being to afford a meal, doing laundry, or buying shoes because, again, she’s an exiled child with an already bitter and scarred disposition and no practical life experience. We wait for the bottom so that we can watch her make her way up. The author is alive to tell the story so we know there’s salvation in the end. No heroes come to her rescue. It’s the author’s own strength that not only saves her but also gives her the insight to help others to climb out of the same type of “wreckage.”
If you can bear it, this is a hell of a read.
It’s a book telling of abusive parents, of being a professional actor since she was 8 years old, of brutal battles with anorexia, drugs, and alcohol before the age of 15.
It’s very difficult to read early on because you’re thinking, she’s 5, 8, then 11 years old, a child who is experiencing heinous acts, physical and sexual abuse, attacks on her psyche by the people in charge of her, parents, teachers. Her friends are in no better shape, skinny, gay kids like herself making it on the streets by any means or being shamelessly exploited by adults in the industry or who are in other roles of authority.
Then we follow her to Toronto at 14 years old, living on her own, still working as a professional actor, not even knowing simple adult things like cooking or even being to afford a meal, doing laundry, or buying shoes because, again, she’s an exiled child with an already bitter and scarred disposition and no practical life experience. We wait for the bottom so that we can watch her make her way up. The author is alive to tell the story so we know there’s salvation in the end. No heroes come to her rescue. It’s the author’s own strength that not only saves her but also gives her the insight to help others to climb out of the same type of “wreckage.”
If you can bear it, this is a hell of a read.
June 23, 2019
All We Knew But Couldn't Say is unputdownable and gut wrenching at the same time.
Mrs. Vannicola talks about about growing up and maturing in some of the most horrific circumstances. When she talks about the abuse she endured it isn't easy to read, not with how well she encapsulates it. But I can't help but admire her bravery in sharing it all, especially with how poised this book is.
It's beautifully written. It's raw and emotional. It's powerful throughout.
It's an important book.
Mrs. Vannicola talks about about growing up and maturing in some of the most horrific circumstances. When she talks about the abuse she endured it isn't easy to read, not with how well she encapsulates it. But I can't help but admire her bravery in sharing it all, especially with how poised this book is.
It's beautifully written. It's raw and emotional. It's powerful throughout.
It's an important book.
November 17, 2021
Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the review copy!
I haven't read much non-fiction/memoirs, but of all the non-fiction/memoirs I read, this was the most difficult one to read and review. I just don't think its appropriate to rate someone's life, especially when its the story of a person who had to face abuse. So may rating an review is only based on the writing style. I cant say I enjoyed this book beacuse of obvious reasons but I am glad that I got the chance to read this book.
I haven't read much non-fiction/memoirs, but of all the non-fiction/memoirs I read, this was the most difficult one to read and review. I just don't think its appropriate to rate someone's life, especially when its the story of a person who had to face abuse. So may rating an review is only based on the writing style. I cant say I enjoyed this book beacuse of obvious reasons but I am glad that I got the chance to read this book.
July 9, 2019
When I decided to read All We Knew But Couldn’t Say by Joanne Vannicola, I knew from the blurb that this memoir would not be an easy read, and I was right. It is not easy to read parts of this tale, but I am so very glad that I did.
This is a memoir, an autobiography of Joanne Vannicola’s life from the age of five until the present day. As a young child, she and her sisters endured what I can only call horrific physical, emotional, and (at least for Joanne) sexual child abuse. What makes it even more horrifying, this abuse comes from her parents. Her father was a monster who used to physically beat the children for minor infractions. Her mother was mentally and emotionally unstable, and unfit to be in a parental role. Ms. Vannicola is brutally frank about what she went though as a young girl and how it affected her later as a teen and young adult.
This sounds like a depressing story, and obviously part of the story is hard to read, but it is also inspiring. This is a story of survival. This is the tale of a person who survives an extremely horrible childhood, and works through the trauma to become an Emmy award winning actress, an activist for women, for children of sexual abuse, and for the LGBTQ2+ community. Joanne Vannicola is an inspiration to me, and if you read her book, I think she will be one for you as well.
I must give a trigger warning here. This story discusses episodes of child abuse that occurred in the author’s life. If these stories could cause triggers for you, you might want to read another book.
I received this as an ARC from NetGalley and Dundurn Press for an honest review.
This is a memoir, an autobiography of Joanne Vannicola’s life from the age of five until the present day. As a young child, she and her sisters endured what I can only call horrific physical, emotional, and (at least for Joanne) sexual child abuse. What makes it even more horrifying, this abuse comes from her parents. Her father was a monster who used to physically beat the children for minor infractions. Her mother was mentally and emotionally unstable, and unfit to be in a parental role. Ms. Vannicola is brutally frank about what she went though as a young girl and how it affected her later as a teen and young adult.
This sounds like a depressing story, and obviously part of the story is hard to read, but it is also inspiring. This is a story of survival. This is the tale of a person who survives an extremely horrible childhood, and works through the trauma to become an Emmy award winning actress, an activist for women, for children of sexual abuse, and for the LGBTQ2+ community. Joanne Vannicola is an inspiration to me, and if you read her book, I think she will be one for you as well.
I must give a trigger warning here. This story discusses episodes of child abuse that occurred in the author’s life. If these stories could cause triggers for you, you might want to read another book.
I received this as an ARC from NetGalley and Dundurn Press for an honest review.
April 3, 2019
Wow, I am not so sure how to even start writing a review for this book. It was heavy, heart breaking and I should definitely start off by giving all the trigger warnings for violence, abuse in all it's forms, slurs, homophobia..etc.
Joanne Vannicola shares the story of her life and her childhood growing up with abusive parents, having her sisters kicked out, fending for herself from a young age, discovering and learning about her sexuality and finding acting jobs and becoming an actor. The book focuses a lot on abuse from both her parents, each of them being abusive in different ways but it is what controlled her life and her siblings life until they were kicked our or managed to stay out.
This book will hurt you and break you heart into tiny pieces because everything that was happening was happening to them as children and later young teens. That is not to minimize at all what happens to adults, but the utter confusion as she shares her story, not understanding why the abuse was happening in the first and why her parents are even angry. I found it very hard to put the book down yet while I was reading I felt I needed breaks. I am very wary to say they were brave to have survived this because I am not sure whether that's the language they use to themselves, but the way the story is told, how they managed to keep going even though there were numerous slips and how they all managed to get themselves in that hospital room with their mother and later Joanne finding herself in the same space as her father... it's all just.. a lot and wow. That's all I can say about it really. I can't imagine what it's like or even begin to fathom it and that's why this story is important. The writing style in this book isn't something that I liked and I didn't like the layout and structure of it but I felt the story needed to be said and I needed to read it.
There's an important part in this book when she talks about the difficulties she faced when discussing the abuse she lived through with her mother in particular in women and feminist spaces because people would make her feel that it's a rare case. That abusive mothers are rare, pedophilia within women is rare and that the focus should primarily be just on men and their misogyny and violence and homophobia and racism in general...etc. Women in those spaces would get angry at her for wanting to derail the conversation. And again this goes back to why I felt I needed to read this, even now I don't think that this is discussed enough or given the space it deserves whether or not it's rare.
The abuse she suffered from her mother seeped into everything to the point where she questioned whether her sexuality was the effect of what she had to live through. Those repressed childhood moments would come up in unlikely instances and she would find herself in a position where she'd either explode or find an unhealthy way of handling it.
As with any memoir, there is so much to unpack and discuss. I haven't even begun talking about her acting career, the political climate in which she lived in and the queer scene back then. If you're up for reading a hard hitting and somewhat short book then I highly recommend this. I really want to discuss this with someone.
(I received a free e-book copy of this title from NetGalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review.)
Joanne Vannicola shares the story of her life and her childhood growing up with abusive parents, having her sisters kicked out, fending for herself from a young age, discovering and learning about her sexuality and finding acting jobs and becoming an actor. The book focuses a lot on abuse from both her parents, each of them being abusive in different ways but it is what controlled her life and her siblings life until they were kicked our or managed to stay out.
This book will hurt you and break you heart into tiny pieces because everything that was happening was happening to them as children and later young teens. That is not to minimize at all what happens to adults, but the utter confusion as she shares her story, not understanding why the abuse was happening in the first and why her parents are even angry. I found it very hard to put the book down yet while I was reading I felt I needed breaks. I am very wary to say they were brave to have survived this because I am not sure whether that's the language they use to themselves, but the way the story is told, how they managed to keep going even though there were numerous slips and how they all managed to get themselves in that hospital room with their mother and later Joanne finding herself in the same space as her father... it's all just.. a lot and wow. That's all I can say about it really. I can't imagine what it's like or even begin to fathom it and that's why this story is important. The writing style in this book isn't something that I liked and I didn't like the layout and structure of it but I felt the story needed to be said and I needed to read it.
There's an important part in this book when she talks about the difficulties she faced when discussing the abuse she lived through with her mother in particular in women and feminist spaces because people would make her feel that it's a rare case. That abusive mothers are rare, pedophilia within women is rare and that the focus should primarily be just on men and their misogyny and violence and homophobia and racism in general...etc. Women in those spaces would get angry at her for wanting to derail the conversation. And again this goes back to why I felt I needed to read this, even now I don't think that this is discussed enough or given the space it deserves whether or not it's rare.
The abuse she suffered from her mother seeped into everything to the point where she questioned whether her sexuality was the effect of what she had to live through. Those repressed childhood moments would come up in unlikely instances and she would find herself in a position where she'd either explode or find an unhealthy way of handling it.
As with any memoir, there is so much to unpack and discuss. I haven't even begun talking about her acting career, the political climate in which she lived in and the queer scene back then. If you're up for reading a hard hitting and somewhat short book then I highly recommend this. I really want to discuss this with someone.
(I received a free e-book copy of this title from NetGalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review.)
April 21, 2019
Forgiveness? Is that even possible when a person goes through the hideous acts put upon Joanne and her siblings. This is an emotional read that is like watching a train wreak unfold. You know something really bad is going to happen but you cannot turn away, but you may close your eyes every now and then to regroup. I had to put the read down every now and then to process and reflect upon what I had just read. Parenting is tough stuff and in this case, I wish these parents had a manual for what to do and definitely for what not to do. I shake my head in astonishment that Joanne and her siblings could walk into that hospital room. Forgiveness? This is also a read about growing up, working in the film industry, coming to an unacceptable realization of the movie/television business, and realizing/embracing your sexuality. What is most awesome is Joanne's desire and drive to make a difference in the lives of others; especially girls and women.
ARC provided by Dundurn via NetGalley
ARC provided by Dundurn via NetGalley
April 11, 2019
*** WARNING - TRIGGER WARNING***
This book contains scenes of child sexual abuse and physical abuse of children. If any of these topics cause emotional triggers for you, I strongly suggest you do not read this book.
***************************************
There are many memoirs that contain disturbing subject matter and ALL WE KNEW BUT COULDN'T SAY is no exception. However, the difference between other memoirs and that of Canadian Joanne Vannicola is that Joanne somehow managed to live through her horrific childhood and yet still emerge into adulthood full of compassion for others. Rather than allow her abusers to keep her 'small,' she has gone on to have a phenomenal career. To my way of thinking, Joanne being happy and successful is the best revenge. Her strength and determination are a big "F" you to her abusers. She didn't let them win.
Not only that, but she has also become an advocate for LGBTQ youth. According to Joanne, "[Her] role meant [Joanne] could impact their lives, provide a little hope for others even though [she] still hadn't learned to hold on to it [herself]...and it provided a deeper purpose..."
Joanne says in the book:
"I could not erase my own pain, but if I could help other kids, it meant healing was possible."
This memoir is powerful. It is horrific in parts, especially when readers learn how Joanne was treated as a child, but it also includes some wonderful and touching moments and shows the power of friendship.
I do not want to give away too much with my review because I am hoping that everyone who reads this review runs out to buy/pre-order a copy of ALL WE KNEW BUT COULDN'T SAY.
YES, this book will make you shake in anger at the people who were supposed to love Joanne the most, but who turned out to be the perpetrators of her abuse, BUT I BELIEVE THIS IS A BOOK THAT NEEDS TO BE READ.
There are children suffering at this very moment, and people who see these things happening are often afraid to call Children's Aid in case they are wrong. BUT ... What if a child dies or suffers irreparable harm because you did not make that simple phone call? How would you feel? Could you ever forgive yourself?
PLEASE MAKE THE CALL. If it is determined that there was no abuse, then you can rest easy knowing you did the right thing. A bit of embarrassment is nothing when a child's life and/or his/hers mental health.
This book is not only about abuse. It is also about growing up and trying to come to terms with your sexuality. Joanne came of age not too long ago, but it was long ago enough that being gay, bisexual, trans, or queer was not acceptable to society at large. In fact, the phrase "non-binary" did not even exist. People kept their sexual orientations quiet and this fact made Joanne question what exactly was "wrong" with her. This memoir follows her journey from questioning her sexuality to accepting it and to become an advocate and role model for other LGBTQ youth.
Joanne's life has been full of pain and agony, but it has also been a life filled with many triumphs, including her winning the her battle with anorexia.
I could go on and on about how amazing Joanne Vannicola is (all based on her book as I have not met her yet.) Instead, I will encourage everyone reading this review to pre-order her book immediately. Don't wait to do it. Order it immediately. You will not be disappointed. ALL WE KNEW BUT COULDN'T SAY is a 5+ Star Book and you will continue to think about Joanne and her life long after the final page has been read. It is impossible not to. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
To read more of my reviews and to enter giveaways to win books and Amazon Gift Cards, go to:
http://Amiesbookreviews.wordpress.com
Follow me on Instagram
@Amiesbookreviews
Follow me on Twitter
@Amiesbookreview
This book contains scenes of child sexual abuse and physical abuse of children. If any of these topics cause emotional triggers for you, I strongly suggest you do not read this book.
***************************************
There are many memoirs that contain disturbing subject matter and ALL WE KNEW BUT COULDN'T SAY is no exception. However, the difference between other memoirs and that of Canadian Joanne Vannicola is that Joanne somehow managed to live through her horrific childhood and yet still emerge into adulthood full of compassion for others. Rather than allow her abusers to keep her 'small,' she has gone on to have a phenomenal career. To my way of thinking, Joanne being happy and successful is the best revenge. Her strength and determination are a big "F" you to her abusers. She didn't let them win.
Not only that, but she has also become an advocate for LGBTQ youth. According to Joanne, "[Her] role meant [Joanne] could impact their lives, provide a little hope for others even though [she] still hadn't learned to hold on to it [herself]...and it provided a deeper purpose..."
Joanne says in the book:
"I could not erase my own pain, but if I could help other kids, it meant healing was possible."
This memoir is powerful. It is horrific in parts, especially when readers learn how Joanne was treated as a child, but it also includes some wonderful and touching moments and shows the power of friendship.
I do not want to give away too much with my review because I am hoping that everyone who reads this review runs out to buy/pre-order a copy of ALL WE KNEW BUT COULDN'T SAY.
YES, this book will make you shake in anger at the people who were supposed to love Joanne the most, but who turned out to be the perpetrators of her abuse, BUT I BELIEVE THIS IS A BOOK THAT NEEDS TO BE READ.
There are children suffering at this very moment, and people who see these things happening are often afraid to call Children's Aid in case they are wrong. BUT ... What if a child dies or suffers irreparable harm because you did not make that simple phone call? How would you feel? Could you ever forgive yourself?
PLEASE MAKE THE CALL. If it is determined that there was no abuse, then you can rest easy knowing you did the right thing. A bit of embarrassment is nothing when a child's life and/or his/hers mental health.
This book is not only about abuse. It is also about growing up and trying to come to terms with your sexuality. Joanne came of age not too long ago, but it was long ago enough that being gay, bisexual, trans, or queer was not acceptable to society at large. In fact, the phrase "non-binary" did not even exist. People kept their sexual orientations quiet and this fact made Joanne question what exactly was "wrong" with her. This memoir follows her journey from questioning her sexuality to accepting it and to become an advocate and role model for other LGBTQ youth.
Joanne's life has been full of pain and agony, but it has also been a life filled with many triumphs, including her winning the her battle with anorexia.
I could go on and on about how amazing Joanne Vannicola is (all based on her book as I have not met her yet.) Instead, I will encourage everyone reading this review to pre-order her book immediately. Don't wait to do it. Order it immediately. You will not be disappointed. ALL WE KNEW BUT COULDN'T SAY is a 5+ Star Book and you will continue to think about Joanne and her life long after the final page has been read. It is impossible not to. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
To read more of my reviews and to enter giveaways to win books and Amazon Gift Cards, go to:
http://Amiesbookreviews.wordpress.com
Follow me on Instagram
@Amiesbookreviews
Follow me on Twitter
@Amiesbookreview
March 15, 2019
First I will start with a prediction, this book is not officially out yet, but it will gain a high level of love and interest when it will. I'M the third reviewer now, first two give five, but I expect it to maintain a 4,25 and attract lot of lover... Will see how it goes, maybe I will look stupid and it won't but I think there's a strong public for that kind of book.
For my appreciation now. I didn't enjoy this book that much because of the subject and the fact that it didn't resonate in me. It talk about child abuse, bad parenting, homosexual acceptance and a hard life for the character/author since it's kind of biography. So I didn't see myself in it and I read enough, and seen enough, of those hard childhood/life to really enjoy it. But event if I didn't was all into it, I still consider it to be a good book. It's well written, the author does not fall into self pity, she is resilient and just dell the thing like they happen and how she goes through it but no cheap drama here. It also cover a long period of time, mostly from the early 70s to the mid 90s and those were well represented. And of course I can't judge badly a story like that and I think it can help people living through similar or partially similar event to go over it. For me it was more of a 3/5, but I can't honestly give it less then 4/5 because all the stuff that were minus, were for personal reason. It truly believe this book has an audience waiting for it!
For my appreciation now. I didn't enjoy this book that much because of the subject and the fact that it didn't resonate in me. It talk about child abuse, bad parenting, homosexual acceptance and a hard life for the character/author since it's kind of biography. So I didn't see myself in it and I read enough, and seen enough, of those hard childhood/life to really enjoy it. But event if I didn't was all into it, I still consider it to be a good book. It's well written, the author does not fall into self pity, she is resilient and just dell the thing like they happen and how she goes through it but no cheap drama here. It also cover a long period of time, mostly from the early 70s to the mid 90s and those were well represented. And of course I can't judge badly a story like that and I think it can help people living through similar or partially similar event to go over it. For me it was more of a 3/5, but I can't honestly give it less then 4/5 because all the stuff that were minus, were for personal reason. It truly believe this book has an audience waiting for it!
July 13, 2020
Painful and intense, Joanne Vannicola’s memoir was a difficult read. She suffered both physical and sexual abuse in her childhood, and commented on how these affected her emotionally, and how performance was a place of comfort. The abuse, however, began affecting her in more ways as the demands of her chosen profession on girls and women, and continuing abuse and neglect fuelled her descent into anorexia and deep loneliness.
And even with the grim situations and emotions they related, I find I was held right to the end by Vannicola's story.
And even with the grim situations and emotions they related, I find I was held right to the end by Vannicola's story.
May 12, 2019
This book was very hard for me to read, but at the same time I found it cathartic, inspiring, and an absolutely important read. As a survivor of generational trauma and abuse and intent on breaking the cycle once and for all, there were areas where I completely related to Joanne Vannicola’s childhood, her thought processes, her actions and reactions.
There are descriptions of violence, child abuse, anorexia, and pedophilia that may be difficult to read for many people.
Joanne Vannicola is a Canadian actress and activist who has starred in movies and TV series since she was a child. Her activism is also quite extensive, having fought for civil, women’s, and LGBTQ+ rights for many years now. Her memoir All We Knew But Couldn’t Say is a must read in my opinion: honest, stark, and inspiring.
Joanne’s father was extremely violent and abusive towards his four kids (mainly his three daughters Sadie, Lou and Joanne, the only son, Diego, was mostly spared). But her mother was too, taking pleasure in watching her children get beaten up, and also turning towards sexual abuse with Joanne. Pushed out of her mother’s home at the age of 14, Joanne is left to find her own way in the world, navigate life as an actress, as a lesbian, as a woman, while she is still a child. She finally cuts all ties with her mother until she receives a phone call 15 years later telling her that her mother is dying. (This is a very bare bones summary of the book, the memoir itself is much deeper; dark but also bright, and beautifully written).
There are so many talking points in this book: the incredibly damaging effects of child abuse, the reasons why so many children remain silent way into adulthood, the way so many people turn a blind eye, the different ways we react to trauma, the deeply entrenched roots of white male supremacy in our world, the bigotry in the film and TV industry and beyond, the difficulties of talking about topics that make people uncomfortable, the rarely discussed abuse by mothers, and survival. Joanne Vannicola is so very brave and so very amazing.
Thanks to Netgalley and Dundurn for providing me with an advance copy of this important memoir.
There are descriptions of violence, child abuse, anorexia, and pedophilia that may be difficult to read for many people.
Joanne Vannicola is a Canadian actress and activist who has starred in movies and TV series since she was a child. Her activism is also quite extensive, having fought for civil, women’s, and LGBTQ+ rights for many years now. Her memoir All We Knew But Couldn’t Say is a must read in my opinion: honest, stark, and inspiring.
Joanne’s father was extremely violent and abusive towards his four kids (mainly his three daughters Sadie, Lou and Joanne, the only son, Diego, was mostly spared). But her mother was too, taking pleasure in watching her children get beaten up, and also turning towards sexual abuse with Joanne. Pushed out of her mother’s home at the age of 14, Joanne is left to find her own way in the world, navigate life as an actress, as a lesbian, as a woman, while she is still a child. She finally cuts all ties with her mother until she receives a phone call 15 years later telling her that her mother is dying. (This is a very bare bones summary of the book, the memoir itself is much deeper; dark but also bright, and beautifully written).
There are so many talking points in this book: the incredibly damaging effects of child abuse, the reasons why so many children remain silent way into adulthood, the way so many people turn a blind eye, the different ways we react to trauma, the deeply entrenched roots of white male supremacy in our world, the bigotry in the film and TV industry and beyond, the difficulties of talking about topics that make people uncomfortable, the rarely discussed abuse by mothers, and survival. Joanne Vannicola is so very brave and so very amazing.
Thanks to Netgalley and Dundurn for providing me with an advance copy of this important memoir.
June 28, 2019
Thank you NetGalley, Dundurn and the incredible Ms. Joanne Vannicola for the opportunity to read this advanced Readers Copy of "All We Knew But Couldn't Say".
This is an absolutely heartbreaking memoir that will make you cry, make you angry, and make you want to do something to change the world.
This is the no holds barred story of abuses; physical, sexual, child, body and drugs.
This is the story of a child actor, all alone, trying to survive in the industry.
This is the story of a queer teen trying to fit in.
This is the story of a Lesbian actor looking to fit in a heterosexual misogynistic Hollywood.
This is the courageous story of one amazing powerhouse of a women who fought to survive...
who fought for a voice...
who fought to love...
who fought for an identity.
She is a Heroine.
This is Herstory.
5 stars
A MUST READ!
Published 25 June 2019
#AllWeKnewButCouldntSay
#NetGalley
#LGBTQ2
#LGBTQIA
#Pride
This is an absolutely heartbreaking memoir that will make you cry, make you angry, and make you want to do something to change the world.
This is the no holds barred story of abuses; physical, sexual, child, body and drugs.
This is the story of a child actor, all alone, trying to survive in the industry.
This is the story of a queer teen trying to fit in.
This is the story of a Lesbian actor looking to fit in a heterosexual misogynistic Hollywood.
This is the courageous story of one amazing powerhouse of a women who fought to survive...
who fought for a voice...
who fought to love...
who fought for an identity.
She is a Heroine.
This is Herstory.
5 stars
A MUST READ!
Published 25 June 2019
#AllWeKnewButCouldntSay
#NetGalley
#LGBTQ2
#LGBTQIA
#Pride
February 16, 2020
The strength of Joanne Vannicola is amazing given the ongoing trauma of her upbringing. This is a very difficult book to read because of the abuse and neglect of both her parents. Vannicola is able to come through everything, be and accept who she is and have a successful career and life. The book itself is very well structured and written. It unfolds in a compelling way--not a linear telling.
January 7, 2020
This book was really hard to read, in a good, challenging way. The author writes really well, and is brutally honest about some things that society doesn't often want to discuss. Props to her for working at removing some of the stigma around abuse and mental health issues.
September 21, 2020
The author, an award winning actor, activist, and writer, hides nothing and most importantly is honest with herself as she relates her real life story in raw, lyrical detail.
It’s a book telling of abusive parents, of being a professional actor since she was 8 years old, of brutal battles with anorexia, drugs, and alcohol before the age of 15.
It’s very difficult to read early on because you’re thinking, she’s 5, 8, then 11 years old, a child who is experiencing heinous acts, physical and sexual abuse, attacks on her psyche by the people in charge of her, parents, teachers. Her friends are in no better shape, skinny, gay kids like herself making it on the streets by any means or being shamelessly exploited by adults in the industry or who are in other roles of authority.
Then we follow her to Toronto at 14 years old, living on her own, still working as a professional actor, not even knowing simple adult things like cooking or even being able to afford a meal, doing laundry, or buying shoes because, again, she’s an exiled child with an already bitter and scarred disposition and no practical life experience. We wait for the bottom so that we can watch her make her way up. The author is alive to tell the story so we know there’s salvation in the end. No heroes come to her rescue. It’s the author’s own strength that not only
saves her but also gives her the insight to help others to climb out of the same type of “wreckage.”
If you can bear it, this is a hell of a read.
It’s a book telling of abusive parents, of being a professional actor since she was 8 years old, of brutal battles with anorexia, drugs, and alcohol before the age of 15.
It’s very difficult to read early on because you’re thinking, she’s 5, 8, then 11 years old, a child who is experiencing heinous acts, physical and sexual abuse, attacks on her psyche by the people in charge of her, parents, teachers. Her friends are in no better shape, skinny, gay kids like herself making it on the streets by any means or being shamelessly exploited by adults in the industry or who are in other roles of authority.
Then we follow her to Toronto at 14 years old, living on her own, still working as a professional actor, not even knowing simple adult things like cooking or even being able to afford a meal, doing laundry, or buying shoes because, again, she’s an exiled child with an already bitter and scarred disposition and no practical life experience. We wait for the bottom so that we can watch her make her way up. The author is alive to tell the story so we know there’s salvation in the end. No heroes come to her rescue. It’s the author’s own strength that not only
saves her but also gives her the insight to help others to climb out of the same type of “wreckage.”
If you can bear it, this is a hell of a read.
April 15, 2021
Joanne Vannicola has been one of my favourite actors since the early 2000s, when I was a teenager and fixated with CanCon (Canadian Content) and any woman who gave me even the smallest lesbian vibe. Like Ann-Marie McDonald, Joanne was out and open about it, and that was revolutionary to my teenage eyes.
Joanne's memoir is something else. It's beautifully written, the prose quite strong, but it is harrowing. Her story involves heavy amounts of child abuse, as Joanne and her sisters were physically abused by their horrifically violent father, and Joanne herself was sexually abused by her mother, who was obsessed with her and her childhood acting career. Her parents are despicable and Joanne is far, far more kind to them than I would be. She's an admirable woman.
Though I felt the later chapters were a bit weaker - the book is strongest when it's about Joanne's personal feelings and struggles. I would have liked for her to go into more detail about her healing but overall, what a beautiful and heartwrenching memoir.
Joanne's memoir is something else. It's beautifully written, the prose quite strong, but it is harrowing. Her story involves heavy amounts of child abuse, as Joanne and her sisters were physically abused by their horrifically violent father, and Joanne herself was sexually abused by her mother, who was obsessed with her and her childhood acting career. Her parents are despicable and Joanne is far, far more kind to them than I would be. She's an admirable woman.
Though I felt the later chapters were a bit weaker - the book is strongest when it's about Joanne's personal feelings and struggles. I would have liked for her to go into more detail about her healing but overall, what a beautiful and heartwrenching memoir.
July 6, 2019
Oh boy oh boy oh boy... how to review this book? Joanne Vinnacola writes a brutally frank, lamentably harsh memoir recalling her abusive relationships with her parents - and the devastating effects they had on the rest of her life. So much pain and grief and despair. So little light and hope and, tragically, so little love. There is nothing “entertaining” about this book. It’s raw. It’s wretched. And it is so very, very clearly personal and therapeutic. There are bits missing for the reader, but it takes little imagination to fill in the blanks. For sheer bravery and courage and determination and persistence, I give this writer 5 stars. Bravo, Joanne! Bravo!!
February 21, 2020
I couldn’t put Joanne Vannicola’s book “All We Knew But Couldn’t Say”, down. As a result I read it very quickly, even though the content was sometimes very difficult and disturbing to read, because of all the abuse and trauma that Joanne endured both as a child and young adult. The book is extremely well written and very engaging. As a first time author, Joanne has written a very compelling and honest memoir. I have given the book to several friends and family members, who also appreciated Joanne’s integrity, resilience, open heart, and enduring spirit. She is a shining example of hope and rising above her life challenges. Bravo Joanne. Well done!
February 17, 2020
Joanne Vannicola’s memoir is a gut wrenching, honest and brave account of the trauma she lived through as a young child growing up with abusive parents. Well written - with each concise sentence carefully crafted- it is a book you won’t be able to put down and once you do, it will stay with you forever.
February 12, 2021
I have no idea how I got a copy of this book - probably not one that I would pick up. An unknown Canadian actress to me, and a strong feminist autobiography that I don't usually gravitate towards. But the writing was strong and honest, without cloying victimization. Her mid-book explanation of what it is like to be caught in an eating disorder somehow made it understandable.
March 30, 2019
Quality of Writing: 9/10
Pace: 10/10
Plot Development: N/A
Characters: N/A
Enjoyability: 8/10
Insightfulness: 10/10
Ease of Reading: 7/10
Overall Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
So, I don't normally put trigger warnings, but you will have a hard time reading this book if you are sensitive to the following: eating disorders, suicide, child abuse, sexual abuse, or child prostitution.
I had never heard of Joanne Vannicola until I received this Advanced Reader Copy through NetGalley, but I definitely have an appreciation for her now. It is difficult to imagine someone having such an unimaginably troubled life, but I know that it can happen. This book was so hard to read knowing that all the events she listed really did happen. I felt frustrated and I wanted to scream at certain points.
The book itself if very well written, with smooth transitions between the hospital room and her memories. The imagery was crisp and clear, and I felt like I was there with her. I do wish we learned a few more things about her mother at the end of the book. (Spoilers in bold!) I wish we learned more about Dot and Luke and who they were or are. I wish we learned more about the girls pursuing DNA tests to find out if their dad is actually related to them.
This book is nonfiction though, so I cannot ask more from the author than what she can give.
I will say that her epilogue felt a lot like an acknowledgements page and was pretty repetitive, but I was pleased with the writing in the rest of the book. Vannicola keeps readers hooked by promising them something in the beginning, but only hinting at the details until the end. She didn't do it in an annoying way though. She gave us just enough to keep us reading and concerned for where the narrative was going next.
Overall, if you can handle the triggers, it was a very good book.
Pace: 10/10
Plot Development: N/A
Characters: N/A
Enjoyability: 8/10
Insightfulness: 10/10
Ease of Reading: 7/10
Overall Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
So, I don't normally put trigger warnings, but you will have a hard time reading this book if you are sensitive to the following: eating disorders, suicide, child abuse, sexual abuse, or child prostitution.
I had never heard of Joanne Vannicola until I received this Advanced Reader Copy through NetGalley, but I definitely have an appreciation for her now. It is difficult to imagine someone having such an unimaginably troubled life, but I know that it can happen. This book was so hard to read knowing that all the events she listed really did happen. I felt frustrated and I wanted to scream at certain points.
The book itself if very well written, with smooth transitions between the hospital room and her memories. The imagery was crisp and clear, and I felt like I was there with her. I do wish we learned a few more things about her mother at the end of the book. (Spoilers in bold!) I wish we learned more about Dot and Luke and who they were or are. I wish we learned more about the girls pursuing DNA tests to find out if their dad is actually related to them.
This book is nonfiction though, so I cannot ask more from the author than what she can give.
I will say that her epilogue felt a lot like an acknowledgements page and was pretty repetitive, but I was pleased with the writing in the rest of the book. Vannicola keeps readers hooked by promising them something in the beginning, but only hinting at the details until the end. She didn't do it in an annoying way though. She gave us just enough to keep us reading and concerned for where the narrative was going next.
Overall, if you can handle the triggers, it was a very good book.
February 19, 2020
Well, memoirs about unique lives are my jam, so I loved this book. The book was raw and felt honest, which are two important aspects of a good memoir. The author lived through many horrifying and very challenging experiences and I’m inspired by her strength and resilience.
January 8, 2020
As a memoirist myself, I am particularly drawn to this genre. I was shocked by the revelations in this one. After a childhood of horror and abandonment, Vannicola writes a book that stuns how this successful young actor ever made it to adulthood.
As a mother, I cannot understand how this tiny child was abused, and confused to a suicidal frame of mind and along with other atrocities harmed and punished the body she was in.
Sample:
"I woke up frantically after I dreamed about food one evening. I felt for the bones in my chest...stood in front of the mirror, I removed my T-shirt and felt my ribs, each curve and indent around my bones. My ribs were like the bars of a prison cell, with my organs threatening to escape... (the bones) they exposed my state of mind without my having to speak."
A brave soul, Vannicola now appears to thrive and continues to enlighten others.
Highly recommended reading; however, some difficult material to get through.
As a mother, I cannot understand how this tiny child was abused, and confused to a suicidal frame of mind and along with other atrocities harmed and punished the body she was in.
Sample:
"I woke up frantically after I dreamed about food one evening. I felt for the bones in my chest...stood in front of the mirror, I removed my T-shirt and felt my ribs, each curve and indent around my bones. My ribs were like the bars of a prison cell, with my organs threatening to escape... (the bones) they exposed my state of mind without my having to speak."
A brave soul, Vannicola now appears to thrive and continues to enlighten others.
Highly recommended reading; however, some difficult material to get through.
June 10, 2019
Joanne Vannicola's heart-wrenching memoir is bound to make you uncomfortable, sad, and angry, and it will find its way into your thoughts at random moments of the day.
Vannicola's childhood was far from normal. Between the topics of child abuse (including sexual abuse), violence, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and suicide, this certainly was a depressing read. If you're very sensitive, you may want to wait until you can handle the subject matter. Nonetheless, it's an important book and I think anyone could get something out of it.
Most importantly, this book is about recovery from all of those horrific events and circumstances. Vannicola is a successful actress and a champion for LGBTQ+ rights. She's respected. She's strong. Her story shows that there is still hope in dismal odds.
Keep in mind this is a memoir from an actress, not an author. It's true there are some odd quirks in the writing, but don't let that subtract from the story. It's really a three-and-a-half star book, but rounded up to four stars.
Thank you to Janne Vannicola, Dundurn, and NetGalley for allowing me access to an eARC to review. As always, all opinions are my own.
Vannicola's childhood was far from normal. Between the topics of child abuse (including sexual abuse), violence, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and suicide, this certainly was a depressing read. If you're very sensitive, you may want to wait until you can handle the subject matter. Nonetheless, it's an important book and I think anyone could get something out of it.
Most importantly, this book is about recovery from all of those horrific events and circumstances. Vannicola is a successful actress and a champion for LGBTQ+ rights. She's respected. She's strong. Her story shows that there is still hope in dismal odds.
Keep in mind this is a memoir from an actress, not an author. It's true there are some odd quirks in the writing, but don't let that subtract from the story. It's really a three-and-a-half star book, but rounded up to four stars.
Thank you to Janne Vannicola, Dundurn, and NetGalley for allowing me access to an eARC to review. As always, all opinions are my own.
January 9, 2020
This book is a must read for anyone who believes in true feminism, who has endured abuse, who doesn’t fit societal norms. Bravo, Joanne.
May 22, 2019
Joanne Vannicola is an award winning actress and activist; her autobiography bravely addresses trauma and abuse she survived at home growing up in Canada. As a child Joanne was very involved in dance and theater, but other than these organized activities her life, and that of her three older siblings, was violent chaos. Not only did she survive her brutal father, her sadistic mother, the disappearance of her oldest sister, alcohol and drugs, mental illness and anorexia, incredibly she thrived, found the will to forgive and ultimately found peace.
I'm very glad that Vannicola was able to recover from her frightening death-defying experience with anorexia, her description of that phase of her life was harrowing. I took issue with a subsequent line, "It didn't take long for the pounds to return, for the muscles, bones, and organs to rebound" which sounded a bit dismissive to me.
I'm very glad that Vannicola was able to recover from her frightening death-defying experience with anorexia, her description of that phase of her life was harrowing. I took issue with a subsequent line, "It didn't take long for the pounds to return, for the muscles, bones, and organs to rebound" which sounded a bit dismissive to me.
June 3, 2019
Thank you to Dundum and NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
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Trigger warning: contains graphic descriptions of eating disorders, sexual abuse, violence and suicide.
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This book recounts the horrific childhood and young adulthood of the author and her siblings. They were raised in a family where neither parent nurtured or nourished their children. Instead, violence, abuse and inexplicable events (from the point of view of children) shape their lives.
This was a very hard book to read, but I do feel it is important that the author shares her story. I feel that the telling breaks the power and the hold that familial history held over the author, and it may have been cathartic for her to look back. I hope this book is a step toward making peace with a personal history over which she had no control.
********************************
Trigger warning: contains graphic descriptions of eating disorders, sexual abuse, violence and suicide.
********************************
This book recounts the horrific childhood and young adulthood of the author and her siblings. They were raised in a family where neither parent nurtured or nourished their children. Instead, violence, abuse and inexplicable events (from the point of view of children) shape their lives.
This was a very hard book to read, but I do feel it is important that the author shares her story. I feel that the telling breaks the power and the hold that familial history held over the author, and it may have been cathartic for her to look back. I hope this book is a step toward making peace with a personal history over which she had no control.
November 6, 2019
I knew nothing about Joanne Vannicola before going to East End Books in Provincetown, MA to listen to Joanne read, speak and answer questions. I bought the book, and immediately started reading it. Every word drew me in to the young person's life and journey. Joanne emerged from the trauma of childhood and adolescence as a self-actualized, non-binary, authentic human being who, in person radiates powerful and magnetic energy. The book reads like a "share between close friends" and I couldn't put it down. I only wish now that I could have known more of this Emmy Award winning actor's career before reading their story. You too will become a fan of Joanne Vannicola once you read "All We Knew But Couldn't Say".
January 4, 2020
I loved this.
So raw, so honest, so heartbreaking.
So raw, so honest, so heartbreaking.
April 15, 2019
I'm embarrassed to say that prior to reading this, I had no idea who Joanna Vannicola was and was instead intrigued by the synopsis. Suffice to say having read her fascinating and well-written memoir, I'm incredibly impressed by this woman and inspired by what she lived through and who she became.
ARC provided by NetGalley
ARC provided by NetGalley
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