Automated Customer Service

by John Scalzi

What happens when, in the near future, something goes wrong with a household appliance and you have to navigate an automated call system to get help.

Genres: Science Fiction, Humor, Short Stories, Fiction, Audiobook

32 pages, ebook

First published November 19, 2018

About the author

John Scalzi, having declared his absolute boredom with biographies, disappeared in a puff of glitter and lilac scent.

(If you want to contact John, using the mail function here is a really bad way to do it. Go to his site and use the contact information you find there.)

Reviews

[Nataliya]

2022: Listened to it again; still funny. Eight minutes well-spent listening to Scalzi read it.
————
2021:

“If the Vacuubot Extreme Clean has decided to purge your house of all living things, press three.”

If somehow you managed to be that one person on this planet who’s never wanted to virtually strangle an automated customer service after being asked to press one for the umpteenth time, then this story is definitely not for you. For everyone else — just press 1.

“Now, all you have to do is toss the cat at the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, and while it’s busy zapping the cat, you rush in and turn it off. If you’re willing to do this, press one. If not, press two.”

Well, yes, you *should* call customer service when your household appliance malfunctions. Oh, and sorry about the lasers. And the Taser Defense Mode. Ooops. We apologize for the inconvenience.

“Are you trying to wait us out? We’re an automated response service! We have nothing but time! Press one. Or don’t. We can wait. FOREVER.”

Yeah, stop the profanity. Calm down. Now press 1. Thank you for your purchase.
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Cozy up to your Rumba, just in case. You know it’s planning your demise. It’s the previously unannounced lasers. Press 2 for no.
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4 stars. Followed by the pound sign.
————
You can read it (or listen to it, narrated by Scalzi himself) on his website here: https://whatever.scalzi.com/2018/11/1...

“What do you mean you’re not willing to electrocute your cat? It’s a cat! It would do the same to you in an instant! Look into its cold, pitiless eyes and tell me it wouldn’t! Press one for obvious agreement, press two if you’ve been duped by this feral interloper in your own home.”

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Also posted on my blog.

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Recommended by: Peter

[carol.]

A cat meme kind of cute, but nothing special. Perhaps I have telephone automated system PTSD--I wanted to push buttons and make the story go faster.

[jade]

“are you trying to wait us out? we’re an automated response service! we have nothing but time! press one. or don’t. we can wait. FOREVER.”

a delightful short story that perfectly captures being on both sides of the customer service equation. with a sci-fi slant, of course, because this is john scalzi.

ever wanted to put a client on hold forever because they keep asking the most ridiculous questions and / or demand to speak to the manager? you’ll be able to identify very easily with just how happily this automated customer service penalizes profanity and foolishness.

or ever been stuck on the phone desperately trying to get support for your appliance, wading through numerous press ones (and always having to pick the ‘miscellaneous questions’ option), only to be put on hold for 45 minutes and then disconnected?



(bonus points for getting stuck into a capitalist loop that ends up with you accidentally expanding your streaming services or transferring energy companies.)

if your answer to either of these questions is yes and you want to read a story about a snarky, obstinate automated customer service navigating its way around lasers, possibly dead cats, and basic home decor…

this story is for you.

you can read it in a matter of minutes, or listen to it in about ten (read by scalzi himself). do so here!

✎ 3.5 stars.

[Bernhard]

“Thank you for calling the customer service line of Vacuubot, purveyors of America’s finest automated vacuum cleaners! In order to more efficiently handle call volume, we rely on automated responses. To continue in English, press one. Para Espanol o prima dos.”

And so begins this short story by John Scalzi. The title is a good indication of what this story is about. Basically, someone phones a vacuum cleaner customer service, which in this case seems to be completely automated without a human representative to speak with, and things get silly rather quickly. Knowing how annoying situations like these can be is one of the reasons why this story is funny, with the other being the silliness of the whole situation. Mr Scalzi, I would like to press one.

You can read it here: https://whatever.scalzi.com/2018/11/1...

[Manny]

I hope Peter Arbeitsloser from QualityLand has a couple of Vacuubot Extreme Cleans in his basement, he would treat them with appropriate kindness and consideration. People so rarely see these things from the machine's point of view.

[Peter Tillman]

Very entertaining short-short, which you can read here: https://whatever.scalzi.com/2018/11/1...
Scalzi also narrates an audio version. Both are filled with the trademark Scalzi Snark™:

"If the Vacuubot Extreme Clean has decided to purge your house of all living things, press three.

Congratulations on activating purge mode! While purge mode was designed to eradicate small pests like insects and spiders, in some models a beta software build was inadvertently released that also includes larger targets, like pets and some humans. We’re sorry for the inconvenience. To continue, please press one. Be aware that by pressing one, you are absolving Vacuubot and its owner, BeiberHoldings, Inc, of all legal and medical responsibility.

You pressed “0” to speak to a human representative. The current wait time for a human representative is six hours and fourteen minutes. To return to the automated response system, press one. ..."

Don't miss!

[Anna]

This was really hilarious! Thanks to Nataliya for bringing it to my attention. I've wanted one of those automated vacuum cleaners forever. Rethinking that now.

Congratulations on activating purge mode! While purge mode was designed to eradicate small pests like insects and spiders, in some models a beta software build was inadvertently released that also includes larger targets, like pets and some humans. We’re sorry for the inconvenience. To continue, please press one. Be aware that by pressing one, you are absolving Vacuubot and its owner, BeiberHoldings, Inc, of all legal and medical responsibility.

[Samuel]

An amusing (and unfortunately quite relatable) short story. It reminds me very much of one of the stories in the Love, Death & Robots series on Netflix.

[Marco]

This short story was written and read at the author's book tour. It was then released on Whatever for the 2018 thanksgiving festivities. It is an hilarious story of technology getting very wrong and customer service getting even more wrong. And the funnier part is that what is described is not that far from what we have now, and what I believe we are going to face soon. LOL

[Sacha]

Automated Customer Service by John Scalzi

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (4*)

A very short short story by John Scalzi. You can find it on his blog where you can read the story or listen to his own voice.

Link: https://whatever.scalzi.com/2018/11/1...

„What do you mean you’re not willing to electrocute your cat? It’s a cat!“ 😂

10 Minutes of your life invested well! 😉 Trust me!

[Amrita Goswami]

Read this with my cat in my lap. Short, sweet and fun. It's freely available here!

[Amy]

I just read this on the author's blog. Scalzi's imaginative humor never disappoints!

[Anna Lyse]

Not my sense of humour. It was over designed, much as the Vacuum Cleaner Extreme.

[Rohit Goswami]

3.5 rounding up since it's freely available. This is a fun read. Pretty cute too. Much better than trawling through Instagram at an airport.

[Jessica]

A delightful short story. Funny if it weren't so painfully plausible.

[Ab]

Hilarious

[Anatoly]

Scalzi kind of fun 8 min! Having seen the episode of Love Death Robots first, I'd say they did an excellent job!

[Danyel]

Another entertaining short story from John Scalzi.

[Ben Stoutenburgh]

3.5 Stars, after a couple of chuckles. It's a worthwhile quick thing.

[roadtopages]

I laughed out loud. In case my fellow flatmates heard me, I swear I’m not a maniac.

[Lucy Carter]

Your Vacuubot Extreme Clean has decided to purge your house of all living things. You tried to turn it off, but the automated laser defense system that was inadvertently installed was too dangerous. To distract the robot so that you can turn it off, they automated service says that you can either throw a heavy blanket... or your cat at its direction. You chose to throw your blanket, but the robot vaporized the blanket with previously unannounced lasers. Now according to the automated customer service, you have now become your vacuubot's enemy just for throwing a blanket at it, and everything it has cleaned is now its territory. You must flee now... or pay a low, low price of $69.95 a month to be added to the Vacuubot's whitelist!

No need for a human representative!

[Indah Threez Lestari]

121 - 2021

Wajib dibaca (dan didengarkan) setelah menonton versi animasinya di Episode 1 Season 2 serial Love, Death + Robots di Netflix.

ACS memang seringkali menyebalkan sih, apalagi kalau kita disuruh menunggu human customer service yang katanya lagi sibuk, lalu kalau sudah lama menunggu ternyata sambungan telepon putus tiba-tiba. Buang-buang pulsa saja.

Btw, versi adaptasi Netflixnya seru, meskipun durasi episodenya pendek. Sependek cerpen ini.

N.B. Suka juga versi audiobook (read aloud?) yang dibawakan John Scalzi sendiri ini.

[Maria Ella]

OMG!!! Netflix's Love, Death and Robots brought me to read this short story because of the Season 2 Episode 1. I imagined this to be a long prose of advertisement and sarcasm and this short story did not disappoint!!!

What a good treat that I get to read this and actually listen to the author read his own creation. You can actually hear the author read his short story here!!! OH WOW I AM SO AMAZED.

[Sanoo]

Watched this on Love, Death & Robots first, and then read the short story online. I'm not really sure which I prefer; the short story online gives in to extortion and goes with the premium whitelist subscription, while the TV show is defiant to the end. Some of the dialog is also a bit different between the two, but I guess that's down to adapting this story for TV.

[PJ Jelének]

“Just out of curiosity, did it not work because the Vacuubot Extreme Clean vaporized it with previously unannounced lasers? One for yes, two for no.”

8 minutes of reading OR listening the audio narrated by John Scanzi himself (here: https://whatever.scalzi.com/2018/11/1... ) Great thing if you need a good laugh.

[Woolstar]

The product is apparently overdesigned, including such features as

previously unannounced lasers

and an automated help system that detects swearing? That's pretty darn impressive. Press one when you are done having your hissy fit.

[Remo]

Relato corto, leído por el autor, que tanto nos identifica con las llamadas a sistemas automáticos en general. Está en https://whatever.scalzi.com/2018/11/1...

[Shobhana Stoyanov]

:) excellent!

[Erin]

Bwahahahaha!

I definitely wish I'd had this for my high school forensics days...perfect for interpretive reading! Also...NOT the worst automated phone call I've ever been party to...

[Stina]

Scalzi read this to us at a book signing in Fort Collins. Funny stuff.