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192 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1983
The memories come, but they don‘t keep still. And some very foolish memories clamor for attention, too. I don’t yet know whether, despite their childishness, these have some important connection to the other memories, or what meanings and reflections memories exchange among themselves. Some seem to protest the selection the intellect claims to make among them.
If I stopped running, I might get used to this unhappiness that contained a small amount of happiness, and never emerge from it. My house was like a sea of greenish waters never subject to great wraths. We navigated across it like pour pirates with little heart for seizing any booty.
I had the deficiency or weakness of being entirely unable to isolate myself from the people around me. I couldn’t forego the task of imagining what anyone near me might be thinking. They, and their way or experiencing their lives, were entering a little into mine, and the sensation of the moments I spent in their vicinity depended on what kind of people they were.
And the rails would spend all their time waiting, with their backs to the sun, for the monstrous egotists in the train--always riding along thinking about the direction they were heading in--to go over them. Then the rails would bask once more in the admiration of all the grasses that dwelled so peaceably around them. p132Fortunately, everyone has their perfect match in this world. Even the homely girl gets a date to the prom. And for your non-stories, I am that fool. The fact is, I don't often like stories. They are too single-minded in their trajectory. But your stories lie on the outer perimeter of what a short story is or should be. Your stories take on the appearance of a story while inwardly they are anything but!
"Furthermore, I will ask you to interrupt your reading of this book as many times as possible," a character of his writes, in a story titled "Gangster Philosophy," "and perhaps--almost certainly--what you think during those intervals will be the best part of the book" (from the Foreword)Reading your stories is like admiring the shadows of tree branches on the ground as a storm brews, the light and shade moving in the mind of the story beating out a singular path from image to image. The sentences each crystal clear, but without any higher understanding or purpose. Despite this lack, perhaps because of it, there is a higher enjoyment. Not only are your stories unsolveable, there is nothing there to solve, so one must take them as they are.
While we were speaking, there was something that had nothing to do with words; the words served to attract us to each other's silence. p.102PS - I hope you will forgive me for addressing you so directly, and rousing you from your peaceful state. But your stories, in their immense privacy, seem to call for such direct addresses. In the foreword that Esther Allen has written, there is an excerpt by Cortazar where he has also written to you directly. I think it's a testament to the extreme intimacy you're able to form with the reader...
I believe that thoughts inhabit the whole body, though not all of them travel to the head to be clothed in words. I know that some thoughts walk barefoot through the body. When the eyes seem to be absent - their gaze lost because the intellect has withdrawn for a few moments and left them empty while the thoughts in the head deliberate behind closed doors - the barefoot thoughts move up through the body and settle in the eyes. From there, like snakes that hypnotize birds, they seek an object to fix the gaze on. They also hypnotize the thoughts in the closed meeting, forcing them to abandon their deliberations.
With that and a smile he could stay afloat on any social surface. What was more, he seemed to have abandoned his secret land at a very young age; he had forded a river and was now on the other side with the world, exchanging smiles and dance steps.
Whenever one of them met another... he would start trying to dress the other in one of two suits, the sharp suit or the dimwit suit... The second fellow had only to pull on a sleeve or one leg of the pants for the first one forever after to think of and see the second in the suit he had initially brought over for him to put on.
I knew how to isolate the hours of happiness and enclose myself within them. First, with my eyes, I stole anything left carelessly out on the street or inside a house, then I bore it back to my solitude. Going over it in my head gave me such pleasure that if people had known they would have hated me.
('The Crocodile'.)
A few years earlier, I’d awoken in a room in a country inn to discover that our thoughts are produced in a region of our innermost being marked by the quality of silence. Even amid a great city’s most strident clamor we think in silence about where we’re going or what we have to do, or whatever it is that corresponds to our desires. And the silence in which our feelings take shape is still deeper. We feel love in silence, before the thoughts come, and then the words, and then the acts, always moving farther towards the outside, toward the noise. Some thoughts can hide within silence and never become words, though they may carry out hidden acts. But there are also feelings that hide in silence behind deceptive thoughts. The silence where feelings and thoughts are formed is the place where the style of a human being’s life and life work is formed.