I know nothing of love save that it is the constant object of my desire, a desire that possesses me and blinds me, setting my feet on the ways of the waste land, dashing me against the walls, forcing me into bogs and quagmires, stretching me exhausted in the muddy ditches of life.
Run away, Thérèse. The trees where she suffered alone moan that is human. She's not alone. Mauriac is right that it is a huge family, the unresting, and a recognition would burn like an outbreak of forest fire. I don't believe it is as easy as saying no to the oppression of life. It isn't a choice to be happy. The suffocating husband Bernard is smugly snug in his bed that no one lies in another they didn't make. When young Thérèse is a sleepwalker, sold on settling down. Time she doesn't have. Hell is decisions too late. Bernard was a cold lover. I've been reading a lot of books lately that recall the selfish new husband in David Lean's film Ryan's Daughter. When I get married my dream lover will--- this is it? Forever? (The pitchforked everyone else come along too. How dare she want anything else?!) I don't know how she accepted the shallow waters of convent friend, and Bernard's half-sister, Anne, as affection. Anne and her kind don't know anymore than Thérèse does about happiness. Indeed, she must have maintained her stream of pious instruction as self assurance that she knew what she was in for. People like Anne and her father she can grace with nothing they needed her to give them so long as they are absent. Run away. It is so true that there is the personal understanding she is starving for, before Thérèse and after her. I think there's a truth closer to when she is before the judgement. The new Curé in the parish (the town don't think he's up to scratch either. Won't play sports, nose in books). Something akin to the person who can't let you down as rock shoulders of seashell oceans. If you went to flesh and blood and stone wouldn't let you in. Worse if every day went on without you in a foreign language of peace. The huge family is in The Curé's being and Thérèse can watch him without expecting anything. I have found that I feel relief from something that knows (though it's true that I have to have them all of the time. It is constant getting up) that cannot be called on to see you. She allows her husband to overdose himself, acts against her prison. Run away, run away, run away! In the first story 'Thérèse Desqueyroux' she is constructing her own defense, let off the judicial hook on lies for the family name but shut out from the same path others walk. It's that film "Bed-nobs and broomsticks" and she's drifting in her too late in a sky of cold beds, with strange heads of sleep she can't catch up. I wanted her to end it all, couldn't see that it was worth living in her home prison and nothing else. Bernard sees her emaciated living corpse and instead of his wife it is a picture of female inmates in his vision. There's some truth between this, the closest she gets to a reprieve, and knowing the prison of her husband's immovable fatness of himself. Their family are sitting on her. I can put myself in Thérèse's shoes to wish it had never happened, that she hadn't gone to the pharmacist with a forged prescription to poison the Bernard cell. To wish she had run away. To see the danger in the prison shells. That was pretty great this reality of what happened and what didn't have to happen. Don't do it, don't get married, don't have a baby. Don't get on the sides of mercy.
I don't understand why Mauriac and Thérèse believed that Thérèse corrupts others. How can he believe that and also believe in that she isn't alone? What kind of sheltered dreams did daughter Marie have, the young would-be lover of 'Thérèse at the Hotel', Marie's conquest Georges, his idol Mondoux (Thérèse knew his type as the pimply afraid of women young man who the other young men adopt their cold fires), etc. etc. etc. lead that they went through every day with their bubbles in tact? It gave me a perverse pleasure when the high and mouse Anne is knocked down from her the world is too big for me and the empty suit that suits my romantic vision. The young man who loves to hear himself talk never loved her. She wouldn't have what she wanted, however much she blamed Thérèse. What is Marie winning by keeping the first and only life she imagines in marrying Georges? He doesn't want to marry her, tells her again and again that she will not be his life. What is this complete ownership that doesn't breed its own darkness? It made me happy that she is not "set". I don't know why it made me so happy. Really, I feel impatient hearing love plans, resent not being allowed to do what I want to scratch my soul's itching. See?! I wanted to cry. It isn't guaranteed that YOU are so special, and Thérèse is not, that it all works out to say this person and I don't have to do anything else. Thérèse herself would take her pin to their balloon and bring them down to where she lives. She doesn't live anywhere realer than them, though. Where when the person who understands you is enough. That it would take away the inconsolable ache, the I don't know what to do when the nights are too long. Whenever anyone has told me that I made them feel less alone I'd feel sick for the impending drop. I can't do anything and feeling those same feelings of loneliness and darkness isn't ever enough. I'm a dripping blanket, unable to uplift anyone else. What else do you DO after you've admitted to not knowing what to do? Why isn't acceptance enough? I want to cry how bleeding unfair it is that it is never enough to be. I have felt just as Thérèse does when she's the confident to the lovesick Anne and Marie. They only care about her to stand in the way of reality of family who say no to their this marriage is gonna set me for life shit. But what would have happened if one of those drunks attached to a deaf bench had had proof of light in making through another day? What if the maid she counts on to live and breathe as a human in the inhuman night had a mutual dependence on we're all a big family in Thérèse? What if the old Aunt Clara had once entered the room when her niece wanted her to be there? Thérèse was as big of a jerk as anyone else in that. And all I could think of for her to do was to say fuck it to the whole thing. If there was peace in doing that then go ahead and do that. When I was very young my mother railed at me for my ability to be happy in "worthless" things like books and movies. She would have had only accepted the Marie kind of world of cleaving to a husband and no one else exists. I had to get into a really good book to not feel sick about her anymore, I remember, but I did it. Thérèse didn't do anything to Georges when she knew about the young attached friend who he couldn't bear clinging to him. Why is the choice Thérèse's but it wasn't the choice of Georges to accept what weighted him down from the human-shark swimming? Flip no was it Georges fault that that young man died, either. If it is her choice, then it is their choice. I don't understand this either/or. I think people are torn between what it looks like all gone to hell. I think there's more than you are where you want to be when people can want opposing ends. To live your life and to see the end. If she corrupts, then they corrupt. Would anyone see Thérèse when she pulls back her hair to reveal her mangled brow and not see only the burst? Mauriac wrote more of her ending, a spiritual kind of acceptance that she couldn't feel in her human family. He consulted a real life priest about it and everything, but only after. I'm glad it isn't included. Watching her sleep like she did with baby Marie feels right to me.