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368 pages, Paperback
First published November 1, 2022
Anyway, the point is that I wasn't going to let some lanky Sassenach scare me off with his oh I'm so aloof routine so I pinned him down after lectures one day and asked if he wanted to fuck me hard in the toilets. And he said actually I'm gay, and I said okay do you want to be coffee then. And we've been friends ever since.
- Morag, Paris' roommate explaining how she met him at university.
"... so I entered him - I mean I entered him into the competition, not with one of my many strap-ons - and out of thousands of contestants he's been selected as one of Britain's ten best amateur bakers."
- Morag, explaining how she entered him into the baking competition without his consent.
"Well, I'd say that's because I'm a fat Glaswegian sex goddess, but mostly it's because I fucking ask them if they want to have sex with me."
-Morag responding to Paris telling her that everyone is attracted to her.
It was the Cuban Missile Crisis in biscuit form. And for just a moment, Paris entertained the real possibility that he could be a Kennedy.
-Paris thinking to himself while making biscuits in the competition.
But I more sort of meant you have a" - Tariq framed him in a finger square - "classical vibe."
"Doesn't that just mean 'tiny penis'?"
Tariq's eyes widened. "Um...I...how did you get there? Because I really didn't mean to suggest anything about your penis at all. I'm sure your penis is, um, fine. Lovely even. But none of my business."
-Casual conversation between Paris and Tariq, where penises were discussed for another extra page.
If the one Bangladeshi in the competition goes out because a white guy hit him in the face with a fridge I will be... completely unsurprised. #bakeexpectations
If Tanya doesn’t win this whole thing I’m not paying my licence fee next year #bakeexpectations
im just gona say it paris can hit me with a fridge any time #bakeexpectations #gotohornyjail
A Muslim drag queen talking about the environment is peak BBC. #bakeexpectations
“Everyone’s attracted to you.”
“Well, I’d say that’s because I’m a fat Glaswegian sex goddess, but mostly it’s because I fucking ask them if they want to have sex with me.”
...maybe and if only and do I dare want this? It felt strange and fragile and, if he dared believe in it, just slightly wonderful.
...sometimes just a hug was its own kind of magic"