This has to be one of the sadder books I’ve read. It’s not quite on the level of Memories of my Melancholy Whores , which I couldn’t even bear to finish, or quite the terror that 1984 was, and doesn’t have the anguish of End of the Affair. It was sad in a different way.
Tony Judt died last year of ALS, a degenerative disease that left him increasingly immobile- first just in fingers and toes, then entire arms and legs until he could not move at all. In the first essay of this collection, he matter-of-factly details what he goes through every day. During his daylight hours, he generally has someone to talk to, to dictate things to, he can be moved about more frequently, etc. But his problem is the nighttime- when he is put in his bed in one position that he can’t move from the entire night- not even a minor adjustment. The least uncomfortable position at the particular moment he goes to bed is the best he can hope for. So in order to distract himself, since he is, understandably, unable to sleep at night, he tries out the “memory palace” mental exercise from The Memory Palace of Matteo Ricci. As might be implied by its name, what this involves is the mental construction of a memory “palace” that you can picture vividly and in detail in your head, with different routes through it and many different rooms. The idea is that you can attach a particular memory, or argument that you wish to make to a particular way through the palace, or put it in a series of drawers in a desk in your study, and remember it by the order in which you open them. It’s a cognitive exercise that allows for much higher retention rates in many people. It was a very effective method for Judt to pass his nights and remember what he had thought through the next morning.
Judt constructs a memory “chalet”, rather than a memory “palace” for himself. His "chalet" is a modest vacation spot in Switzerland he used to go with his family. A palace would have been far too much for a good social democrat like Judt. He makes quite a point of describing the small, completely unremarkable nature of this chalet, except that he remembers it in every detail over fifty years later. In order to construct his mental house, he starts at the foundation- his childhood, and dictates a series of essays that take us through his personal growth process until he reaches adulthood, and then has a further group of essays that discourse on varied topics that his background has given him strong opinions on.
It’s a sad project on a number of levels, most vividly because of his construction. In his chapter about the ALS, he talks extensively about all the things he has lost- his ability to do even the most basic things for himself, and how he has had to learn to do without everything except, really, his ability to think, and his ability to slowly and painfully articulate those thoughts. His life as an academic has, fortunately, been based a great deal on these skills, but he is nonetheless sharp about telling us that there is no happiness or no gift in his increased time to think, just a momentary escape, if that.
All of his essays about his life seem to be an attempt to reclaim the functioning human being that he was before the disease completely changed the way he lived every moment. In order to be able to connect to the person he once was, he starts with a chapter on the period he was born into, Austerity Britain just after the war. This chapter allows him to reconstruct his past into a helpful foundation that seems to give him more weapons to fight the disease. If he can convince himself that he has been doing without all his life, perhaps the things he lives through will be more bearable. Thus, the themes of “Austerity," his minimal needs, scrimping and saving, and feeling uncomfortable with luxury are found in nearly all the chapters afterwards. The dark side of this house he's building is that he doesn't seem to be able to understand the parts of his life that were not about this anymore. He is unsympathetic to any frivolity, anything that is bigger than it needed to be, anything flashy or anything fun. He is even impatient with any expressions of passion, need, or strong emotion. In one chapter that deals with his teenage dedication to the cause of Israel and the communist kibbutzes he lived on over several summers, and he dismisses his own passions as fundamentally ridiculous and concentrates instead on proving why he was right to leave the place and ultimately come to have a longstanding suspicion of both communism and Israel.
As he builds up his house from his childhood, it becomes tragically clear (at least to me) that he doesn’t seem to be able to remember feeling things, or else deliberately is shutting them out. Moral rectitude, incisive reasoning, sharp denunciations of nonsense, this is what he’s interested in. He wants to boil down to essentials, to get the most important stuff out because he knows that he hasn’t much time left, so it feels like he builds a narrative about “austerity,” that seeks to slowly show the reader what is left after the trifles are cleared away. He uses this to make wider points about socialism, social democracy, community, the purpose of the state, and what morality really means. With some striking exceptions (which I will discuss in a minute), you get the feeling like he feels like he has to hide any pleasure he once took in things that were not serious or essential or driven by clear ideas. When his family makes money, he's always careful to note that it wasn't too much, or temporary, or the fact that he didn't enjoy the fruits of it. When he describes his family’s European vacations, there’s a weird sort of pride in him about it, so to make up for it he has to emphasize over and over the small hotels they stayed in, the second class tickets they bought, how cheap things were in Europe, and his father’s continental heritage- like otherwise he might be a poor little rich boy we wouldn’t listen to. His father had a passion for cars, and he theorizes about what they meant to him, but he denies any similar feeling vehemently. It’s so… guilty, I guess would be the word. It also seems to completely flatten his life out in a way that doesn’t seem fair- but perhaps it is the only way he could understand it at the time. I don’t know, but its difficult not to psychoanalyze this mental exercise, which after all involves undertaking exactly the sort of diving into the past, discussions of parents, friends and lovers that a lot of psychiatry deals in.
Perhaps inevitably, it was some tiny little moments where some unexpected nostalgia, lushness, or longing broke through that were the most powerful for me. He describes the house where he grew up in London (his favorite one of the houses anyway- he hated the bigger house his parents moved to in the suburbs during a “brief interlude of prosperity”), and allows himself some lushness of description and idealization of the remnants of Victorian and Edwardian life that he finds there- the flower sellers, the last functioning stable in the city. He rigorously denies himself much nostalgia within his own life (except for morally acceptable objects that his socialist views would approve of), but he allows himself nostalgia for something he never knew, and an era he should be rights reject. He lets himself go much more towards the end in his more general, thematic essays, too. He allows himself a Victorian flourish in the chapter where he discusses how he ended up marrying his wife (which, beware, there are going to be a lot of women who won’t find his views in that chapter particularly palatable- it’s a whole thing about the negative, suspicious atmosphere that the fear of sexual harassment creates, and generally is one of those, ‘things used to be easier’ articles). It ends with a, “Reader: I married her.” His essay, “Edge People,” (which I love), romantically illustrates bygone cosmopolitan cities as he tries to articulate his own nostalgia for cultural markers, changes, and meetings, places where things were mixed, rather than cultures where boundaries seemed to disappear and melt because of all-embracing consumerism that makes everything look the same. (An earlier essay, about people who cross the Channel for merely economic purposes- to buy things, rather than to see things, which has made changing countries and areas much less visible, foreshadows this line of thought.)
My favorite, though, is his love of trains. He’s never made a secret of it, and he’s written several essays on it. His great work, Postwar opens with him at a train station. I’m actually surprised he didn’t construct a “memory train station,” rather than a chalet. Usually, though, he tries to make a point about state projects, faith in the state, infrastructure and jobs, etc. In this book, he finally looks at it in a way that seems to finally explain the root of it, and makes me understand, perhaps, why he’s been so strident about it all his life. It’s the passion that not even his disease could take from him, the one that seems to have become stronger, if anything. It seems to get at a core of something important about him that I’d never seen expressed before, something so sympathetic, so lovely, I can’t resist reproducing the passage in full here.:
“According to the literary theorist Rene Girard, we come to yearn for and eventually love those who are loved by others. I cannot confirm this from personal experience- I have a history of frustrated longings for objects and women who were palpably unavailable to me but of no particular interest to anyone else. But there is one sphere of my life in which implausibly, Girard’s theory of mimetic desire could be perfectly adapted to my experience: if by “mimetic” we mean mutuality and symmetry, rather than mimicry and contestation, I can vouch for the credibility of this proposition. I love trains, and they have always loved me back.
What does it mean to be loved by a train? Love, it seems to me, is that condition in which one is most contentedly oneself. If this sounds paradoxical, remember Rilke’s admonition: love consists in leaving the loved one space to be themselves while providing the security within which the self may flourish. As a child, I always felt uneasy and a little constrained around people, my family in particular. Solitude was bliss, but not easily obtained. Being always felt stressful- wherever I was there was something to do, someone to please, a duty to be completed, a role inadequately fulfilled: something amiss.Becoming, on the other hand, was relief. I was never so happy as when I was going somewhere on my own, and the longer it took to get there, the better. Walking was pleasurable, cycling enjoyable, bus journeys fun. But the train was very heaven.
I never bothered to explain this to parents or friends, and was thus constrained to feign objectives: places I wanted to go, people I wanted to see, things I needed to do. Lies, all of it… I took solitary tube trips around London from a very young age. If I had a goal, it was to cover the whole network, from terminus to terminus, an aspiration I came very close to achieving. What did I do when I reached the end of a line, Edgware as it might be, or Ongar? I stepped out, studied the station rather closely, glanced around me… and took the next tube back.
The technology, the architecture, and working practices of a railway system fascinated me from the outset-I can describe even today the peculiarities of the separate London Underground liens and their station layouts. But I was never a “trainspotter.” Even when I graduated to solitary travel on the extensive network of British Railways’ Southern Region I never joined the enthusiastic bands of anorak-clad preteenage boys at the end of the platforms, assiduously noting down the numbers of passing trains. This seemed to me the most asinine of static pursuits- the point of a train was to get on it.”
Out of the harshness, deprivation, austerity, and disillusion comes this wonderful paean to the one thing that his worldviews never necessitated that he abandon, that no amount of travel or time could get rid of. It becomes the essence of the things he has lost, and the memory that seems the true escape from his current condition.
I admit that I teared up when he came back to this, so fittingly, at the end. Even behind his comforting symbol of Right Thinking in Switzerland, was this pure, wonderful passion for trains that was his true home. His last paragraph reads:
“There is a path of sorts that accompanies, Murren’s pocket railway. Halfway along, a little café- the only stop on the line- serves the usual run of Swiss wayside fare. Ahead, the mountain falls steeply away into the rift valley below. Behind, you can clamber up to the summer barns with the cows and goats and shepherds. Or you can just wait for the next train: punctual, predictable and precise to the second. Nothing happens: it is the happiest place in the world. We cannot choose where we start out in life, but we may finish where we will. I know where I shall be: going nowhere in particular on that little train, forever and ever.”
I try not to indulge in too many fantasies of an uncertain afterlife, but I can’t help hoping that is exactly what he found. RIP, Professor Judt. You always knew what was important, and you helped me to see that, too. I wish I could have thanked you for that.