This could have bee a promising story, if a entire novel hasn't been jammed into a few pages (took me about an hour to read). Either you write a novel or you write a short story. Please make up your mind.
A short story contains a short time period, a few hours or couple of days. A novel can go from weeks to months. This story goes from one scene to the next within weeks already passing by. Sorry that is not how you write a short story, done right this has the poential of a fantastic novel. Way to short, scenes left out and weeks passing by between one scene and then the next; left me confused at times. It actually felt like a plot draft for a story, that will be written in the near future.
Please decide on one or two MC's. The MC's would switch from one paragraph to the next. Real confusing the italics, experience only from one of the MC's (I really don't know why??), then to suddenly stop.
Please show, don't tell. There is times when you decribe a scenery or a building, but in this this book everthing is told. Everything.
The author needs to take the time, write this story over, and in the actual length this story deserves.