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229 pages, Hardcover
First published February 13, 2018
“Dedication“By the time she (our body) struggled out into the world, slick and louder than a village of storms, the gates were left open. We should have been anchored in her by then, asleep inside her membranes and synched with her mind. That would have been the safest way. But since the gates were open, not closed against remembrance, we became confused. We were at once old and newborn. We were her and yet not. We were not conscious but we were alive—in fact, the main problem was that we were a distinct WE instead of being fully and just HER.”
To those of us
with one foot
on the other side."
You must study the pattern of the shattering before you can piece it back together.
After all, was I not the hunger in Ada? I was made out of desire.
I didn’t have anyone to hold me and now I don’t have anyone to kill me. You’d think he’d come through on at least one of these points.
“earlier, when we said she went mad, we lied. she has always been sane. it’s just that she was contaminated with us, a godly parasite with many heads, roaring inside the marble room of her mind.”
“All the madnesses, each and every blinding one, they can all be traced back to the gates. Those carved monstrosities, those clay and chalk portals, existing everywhere and nowhere and all at once. They open, things are born, they close. The opening is easy, a pushing out, an expansion, an inhalation: the dust of divinity released into the world. It has to be a temporary channel, though, a thing that is sealed afterward, because the gates stink of knowledge, they cannot be left swinging wide like a slack mouth, leaking mindlessly.”
“If we had been asked to take a piece of chalk and draw where she stops and where we start, it would have been hard.”
“I don’t even have the mouth to tell this story. I’m so tired most of the time. Besides, whatever they will say will be the truest version of it, since they are the truest version of me.”
“Poor thing, I thought, to be so in love with this christ. Why disturb herself with him if it was giving her so much pain?”
“The Ada felt like a trickster, which felt right. She could move between boy and girl, which was a freedom, for her and for us. (...)”
allow us a moment to explain a few things.
After she tried to kill me and failed, Ada gave up.