Fuck this book.
I hated Goldilocks by Laura Lam.
What I wanted was a fun, space thriller with a cast of badass science bitches and what I got was an implausible, ridiculous snooze-fest.
A bit about the plot: Goldilocks is about a brilliant scientist named Valerie who decides to commandeer a survival mission to space because, you see, the earth is cooking and won't be livable for much longer and she has the perfect plan to, literally, save the world. She recruits a team of female scientists, one of them being her adopted daughter, to assist with this mission. That daughter's name is Naomi and she is our protagonist.
So Valerie and her gal-pals steal this mission out from under the noses of the men who were going to run it. You see, women have been "pushed out" of the workplace, we are told, and Val knows those dummies weren't cut out for the job anyway.
But, you know what, I JUST DON'T FUCKING BUY IT. Nothing in this book was believable. First of all, where was security when these ladies were stealing a big ass rocket or whatever???? This is the thing that is supposed to save humanity and its left unattended and unsecured?? No.
Also, we are told that women have been "pushed out" of the workplace (whatever that means) but we aren't told why or how. And I JUST DON'T BELIEVE that our society would ever get to a point where women were repressed, but only in the fucking workplace. Like, what??? Let's train women to be botanists and doctors and engineers and astronauts, but not let them work?? Because of one single Donald Trump-like president?? No. Fuck right off with that unbelievable bullshit!
And speaking of bullshit... This book pretends to be about feminism and female power, but instead, presents a group of women who are easily manipulated and tricked, rarely use their training and knowledge to do anything productive, and who spend an endless amount of time reflecting on the past and their relationships with men. Like, what??
These characters weren't strong at all! I swear to Christ, a good chunk of Naomi's mental real estate is taken up with thoughts about both her ex-husband and her current secret lover and also with cravings of chocolate. Excuse me??
Btw, we hardly spend any time with the members of the crew other than Valerie and Naomi, so I'm not going to waste much time talking about them. Two of them were married to each other, which made no sense. Women aren't allowed to work in this future, but they are allowed to be lesbians?? Huh?
I was beyond disappointed by how few scenes we get of these women being badass astronauts and using their individual skill sets. There was one clever bit where Naomi crushes up some peppers to make mace, but other than that, she never uses her skills as a botanist in this book. I recall it being mentioned that the crew members were training each other on their own specialties so they have a better chance being successful with surviving on this new planet, but none of them ever really use their skills to do anything.
We are told that these women are brilliant, but none of them acted brilliant within the narrative. So, once again, I JUST DON'T BUY IT.
Also, there were long stretches of this story were I forgot we were in space on a mission to save humanity. Instead of thrilling me, this book bored me to tears. It is far too preoccupied with drama when it should have focused on science and action.
Speaking of personal drama...
I have a few more things to discuss, but I have to spoil things to do so. So here's you're warning.
**spoilers**
Naomi is pregnant on this space mission because she had a secret relationship with HER GODDAMN BROTHER. And yeah, she was adopted, so they aren't blood siblings, BUT WHY?? What's the deal with fetishizing brother-sister relationships and what tf is this shit doing in a feminist space thriller??
Also, the only reason her brother gets her pregnant is because HE FORGETS TO TAKE HIS BIRTH CONTROL. I'm about to implode thinking about how fucking stupid it is to imagine a future where women aren't allowed to work, but men are the ones who have to take birth control. No. Once again, I JUST DON'T BUY IT.
The last thing that really pissed me off in this book is the character inconsistencies. Specifically, with Valerie. So Val is a brilliant, famous scientist hell bent on saving the world. But surprise! She was actually a crazy, murderous bitch who really wanted to destroy the world and somehow hid her true self to everyone, including her children. What?? I JUST DON'T FUCKING BUY IT!
I hated this story. I hated these women. I hated how stupid and implausible everything was. I HATED IT.
I rated Laura Lam's Goldilocks 1 out of 5 stars. This is a contender for worst of the year.
You might like this if you like: yeah, I've got nothing.