Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms

by Matthias Roberts, Tina Schermer Sellers (Foreword)

We all carry sexual shame. Whether we grew up in the repressive purity culture of American Evangelical Christianity or not, we've all been taught in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that sex (outside of very specific contexts) is immoral and taboo. Psychotherapist Matthias Roberts helps readers overcome their shame around sex by overcoming three unhealthy coping mechanisms we use to manage that shame.

Beyond Shame encourages each of us to determine our own definition of healthy sex, while avoiding the ditches of boundaryless sex positivity on the one hand and strict moralistic boundaries on the other. Define your sexual values on your own terms, overcome your shame, and start having great, healthy sex.

Genres: Sexuality, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Religion, Mental Health, Theology

187 pages, Paperback

Published January 7, 2020

About the author

Matthias Roberts (he/him) is a psychotherapist specializing in religious and spiritual trauma and the author of Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms. He hosts Queerology: A Podcast on Belief and Being and holds two master's degrees from The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology, one in theology and culture, and one in counseling psychology. His work has been featured by O: The Oprah Magazine, Bustle, Woman's Day, Sojourners, The Seattle Times, and many others. He lives in Seattle.

Reviews

[Austen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've never before read a book about sexual ethics that took my identities as a queer Christian as a matter of course--something obvious that didn't need justification. In Beyond Shame, Roberts eases us through the deconstruction of the sex-related shame that so many have grown up with, but he doesn't leave us in the rubble. If you're ready to start making something new, this book will offer questions and data you need to ponder in order to build that new structure: a model of ethical sexuality that takes all of who you are into account.

[Rachel Croce · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was disappointed in this book. It felt more like sitting down together during Happy Hour listening to conversations and opinions about sex rather than a book that delved deep into underlying exploration of shame and how to move toward shamelessness. Other than normalizing sexual behaviors, I think Roberts’ book lacked a deeper understanding to sexual shame and healthy sexuality.

High appreciation for the hormonal and biological perspective on sex and bonding. However, I don’t think sexual activity with others can be compared to hiking in the wild. Maybe that’s just me.

He does offer great resources where various authors and researchers have perhaps been more helpful in addressing these issues.

[Donald Powell · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author is a gay man raised in an oppressive evangelical home. His discussion of sexuality is based upon solid science and study. HIs perspective, from his background, is particularly helpful for people with such an upbringing. Because most of America shares a similar shaming and sex negative attitude the book is very good for most folks. He concludes with a balanced approach to our sexual selves, emphasizing the importance of sexuality in our connection with others, with life.
From my perspective the issue of shame around sexuality has more to do with the culture in which we live rather than our response to it. As this author documents, among many other objective scientists, our culture works against us all in its sex negative foundation.
The Bonobos have it right.

[Doug Houck · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beyond Shame is must reading for those who grew up in the Purity Culture or who attempted sexual orientation change through organizations associated with Exodus International or its secular counterparts such as NARTH. The book is worthy of much discussion.
Matthias articulates how shames over one’s sexuality develops, various coping mechanisms that increase harm. He exposes various “lies” about human sexuality and heteronormality perpetuated today by many branches of the church. The book concludes with four paradoxes to guide one beyond sexual shame. Finally he observes “We can fight shame only in the presence of community, we need other people to come around us, bearing witness as we speak the lies we learned about ourselves lies that we internalized at our very core.” p95
Matthias is pretty clear that he isn’t attempting to define a sexual ethic, that is left to each reader to figure out for him, her or they selves. Early in the book he provides an extremely basic definition of sexuality. Later he details sexuality as a complex sequence of hormonal firing and subsiding. I found that section to be very educational about biology—however it was void of other aspects of sexuality. To me, that was frustrating as I experience sexuality as much more complex. And this is where I find the book’s shortcoming. It begs for more and refuses to provide it, or even hint that more will be forthcoming in a future book.

[Josiah Hatfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid exploration of creating a sexual ethic. Written from a gay Christian perspective, I found the book to excel in the latter half of the book when walking through the psychological components of sex, shame, vulnerability, and connection.

[Jeremy]

Helpful read to understand what a progressive Christian sex-positive contemporary ethic looks like. While I cannot claim to be in alignment with much of the authors' outlook, I found much here valuable to reflect on. It will be interesting to see how other followers of Jesus interact with Roberts' "guideposts" for reflection on healthy sexual ethics, including some of the writers he cites - Rowan Williams, Dan Allendar, etc.

[Katelyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm torn between giving the book 2 or 3 stars. I might go back and change my rating later. We'll see.

I read this for a bookclub I'm in, and likely would not have picked it up on my own. But if being an English major taught me anything, it's that reading works that don't seem interesting at first may prove beneficial. We had the honor of Matthias Zoom in for a Q&A session near the end and I also heard him interviewed on different podcasts where he talked about the book prior to reading it. I love getting to hear authors speak about their work and writing process.

What I liked: One thing Matthias has going for him as a writer is being able to translate his calm, non-judgemental tone onto the page. Not every writer can do that so I respect it. He seems like a lovely person and has a great personality for a therapist. His definition of shame as "the fear of disconnection" was insightful and helpful.

If you only choose to read one chapter, make it chapter 7. The way he discusses the body and brain's relationship and the chemical reactions that go into forming attachment with others, whether sexual or non-sexual, is so well done. Very accessible without compromising the science. The way he explained the importance of building a vasopressin and oxytocin "trust floor" was excellent. This is a topic many books in the relationships/sexuality category don't touch. This is helpful to understanding both romantic and platonic relationships. The way he highlights the paradoxes of sex as well as the differences between shame and shamelessness were also well done.

The last chapter also provoked a lot of thought, especially the sections on the self-righteousness/despair binary and working through shame--his background as a therapist really shines through in these parts.


What I didn't like:

For a book by a therapist titled "Beyond Shame," I expected to read more about how shame/shamelessness functions psychologically. I kept waiting for him to go into more depth on certain ideas, but that rarely happened and the book moved right along. I do appreciate the well-curated list of resources for further reading at the end, but think the book could also have been improved by including discussion questions or journaling prompts at the end of each chapter.

It seemed like this book wasn't written with a Christian audience in mind--which isn't a judgement one way or the other, but was disappointing to me as my expectations were built around the presumption that it used a Christian framework. I expected more theological discussion and reflection on where the Bible fits into the development of a sexual ethic. So if you want to read about sexuality and shame but aren't Christian or came from a Christian background but have since departed, you may be more of the target audience than those still part of the faith.

Also, can we stop saying "jump into bed" every time he talks about a sexual encounter? (Very surprised the editors let this one slide, much like the "my tinies" of "Jesus Feminist" *gag*).

I understand where he's coming from with the idea that there's not a "one size fits all" sexual ethic, and I would even agree with him there; but in saying that, it seems like at times he dipped into an "everything goes" sort of message, which I don't think he would say is healthy.

I was troubled by the statement that hookups can be healthy for some people. It seems to presuppose a naive belief that the average adults looking for a hookup/one night stand are mature, self-aware and emotionally healthy individuals fully aware of potential (perceived) negative consequences. Looking at the issue from a secular perspective, I suppose I can see where two such people might be able to incorporate hookups into their sexual ethic, but from a Christian perspective, I don't see how even a more liberal sexual ethic would consider hookups/one night stands as healthy or encouraged. The biological information in chapter 7 seems to make a strong argument for why they are not wise. This thought needed a lot more exploration in my opinion.

The few Scripture references included were almost framed in a "show me chapter and verse where the Bible doesn't say it" light, which is essentially the same tactic those on the more conservative side use to prove their own opposing views. I find this unpersuasive and theologically shallow when used by either side.

A segment on the differences between spiritual conviction and shame would have been welcome. It's somewhat broached in the first chapter but never developed. I found myself wondering what the author's thoughts were on this throughout. This seems important, especially if the target audience skews more on the Christian/ex-Christian side.

The most troubling aspect for me was the persistent recommendation to either have sex with someone or masturbate in order to "connect with your body" and "express your sexuality." This seems like misguided blanket advice that presents sex as a physical need rather than a desire without actually stating that in black and white. There are many ways to be more connected with the body--sports, running, dancing, yoga etc. The author himself even points out in chapter 10 that one can be aware of one's sexuality without actually having sex, so all the more puzzling why this point seems so stressed. He ignored the fact that masturbation can create a lot of dysfunction in relationships, often fuels sexual addictions, unhealthy fantasies and yes, even rape culture, which he seemed to gloss over. He also never makes explicit whether this advice is for males or females or both.

A section on what healthy chosen chastity looks like (or even if he views chastity as a healthy option) would have also been appreciated--I would assume he does not think this a good option, but still would have like to read his reasoning. His advice leaves little room for those whose sexual ethics don't include sexual activity outside of marriage, or those who are asexual. He does include a brief example of asexual Alejandra in chapter 5, but that abruptly transitions into more about the patriarchy than addressing the humanity and relational capacity of asexual people and how they form connection. I expected a Queer author to include at least a chapter dedicated to this often overlooked population. Disabled people and those with chronic pain are altogether overlooked, though they do get a couple of resources in the appendix. This is a major blindspot of the book.

Roberts' insistence that "Maybe it's time to make a few mistakes," seems to assume privilege. Access to birth control, medication to treat STDs/STIs, quality medical and mental health care seemed a given when this is not true for everyone, even in the USA. Some people literally cannot afford to make a lot of "mistakes."

It was nice that he included examples of working with clients (whose names I hope have been changed and whose permission I'm assuming he secured prior to publication?), but I think as the book went on, it relied too heavily on these. It almost sounded like overhearing a couple of girlfriends gossiping over brunch at times. Presenting a few of these in a case study format would have been more helpful, but this might just be a personal preference issue, as I tend to prefer more scientific reasoning over isolated personal examples when it comes to these subjects.

Overall, I felt like the book was trying too hard to be "all things to all people." From what I've heard Roberts say, it sounds like he views theology and sexuality as two separate things that don't really inform each other. My issues with the book likely stem from this core disagreement, as I believe our theology impacts every area of our lives. I think that some of the books in his appendix provide the psychological and theological depth I was hoping for with this one.

[Benjamin Coakley · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first caught word that Matthias Roberts was writing a book about sex and shame, I was beyond excited. I think my first exposure to Matthias’ name and wisdom was via Twitter, where I discovered many of the thought leaders who helped me through my deconstruction of fundamentalist religious ideology. My second exposure was via his podcast, Queerology, which Oprah Magazine named one of the Top 12 LGBTQ Podcasts of 2019 alongside queer icons such as Jonathan Van Ness and Cameron Esposito.

When it comes to the reality of purity culture and a shame-filled approach to sex, Matthias knows what he’s talking about – I should know, because I grew up in the same subculture. In the introduction, Matthias recounts his conditioning to look away from women’s bodies in shame, even as he came to understand his attraction was towards men. When I read that section to a few of my friends last week, one of them asked “wait, did you write this?” Purity culture – a lovechild of Christian evangelicalism – may not be familiar to every reader, but you should know that there many of us who grew up in that subculture and know that Matthias (in my opinion) characterizes that experience masterfully. (After you read this, go read Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free by Linda Kay Klein and Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy by Tina Schermer Sellers if you want to know more about purity culture.)

I grew up believing that bodies were shameful and that if I deviated from that belief, I would be actively sinning against myself and against God. Matthias shows us a better way. Operating within a Christian framework (but in way accessible to all), he asks “what if sex is healthy?” Drawing heavily from research around shame and guilt (popularized especially by Dr. Brené Brown), Matthias tackles the many ways we all learn to cope with our shame around sex. The second section tackles some of the explicitly Christian challenges in dealing with shame (he de- and re-constructs ideas about the Bible, patriarchy, and queerness). He ends the book by showing that sex and sexuality is full of paradoxes: that it comes with risk and the potential for pain, but that it can also be beautiful and life-giving.

Most notably, Matthias does not prescribe a certain sexual ethic. He doesn’t write some gotcha! conclusion like “therefore, A, B, and C sexual desires and behaviors are healthy and X, Y, and Z are unhealthy” – in fact, that’s the whole point. You cannot prescribe one universal sexual ethic, ignoring culture, experience, personal relationships, etc. What might be healthy sex in one context could be unhealthy sex in another context.

Purity culture’s sexual ethic is black and white: intercourse between a legally married cis-heterosexual man and cis-heterosexual woman is good, while all other sexual desire and behavior is bad. Matthias, on the other hand, challenges the very idea of a good/bad binary, because sex and sexuality are so complex and contextual. Trying to fit into such a specific, shame-based ethic leads to self-righteousness if you’re “successful” and despair if you fail. But as Matthias writes, “both self-righteousness and despair are places of shame” (p. 155). Be interrogating this binary, he is helping us move beyond shame and live more honestly about who we are and what we desire.

Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms is an important book. We live at a time when evangelicalism is getting as much media attention as ever, and most of it is very unflattering. For those of us who grew up stepped in – or adjacent to - purity culture, books like this can help us heal and move into more abundant life. For those who didn’t grow up in such a subculture, this book tackles many universal human experiences, such as our relationships to our bodies, others’ bodies, and what we believe about our desires (or lack thereof). I can’t wait to read and hear more from Matthias.

Do yourself a favor and pick up this book.

[rebekah :) · Rating 4 out of 5]

First book of 2025 was kind of a heavy one…but I’m trying to be more intentional about unlearning and healing from my purity culture upbringing. This book was incredibly validating. Highly recommend if you’re struggling to separate what you’ve been taught from how you feel as an adult <3

[Gabby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Slay

[Billy Jepma · Rating 5 out of 5]

As I struggle to rediscover my faith and grapple with the emotional wounds and baggage the church and religion have left me with, I keep finding myself drawn to books like this one. Books about topics I was never taught about, topics that, if ever mentioned, were whispered in hushed, conspiratorial tones. Books about beliefs that seem absolutely foreign to me, and as such, may help me find the path(s) I’m looking for.

Matthias Roberts, a queer Christian and therapist, writes with grace and patience here. He approaches heavy, burdened subject matter with the kind of gentleness that only someone who knows the pain and fear those subjects cause can. He works with the reader—via his friendly, comfortable tone, and accessible explorations of heavier theological and psychological tools—to dissect the feelings of shame we experience as we consider our sexuality in spite of, and alongside, our religion or faith.

This isn’t a book of hard answers and satisfying resolutions, though. This is a handbook to get you started. Reading it feels like training, like getting a pep talk before a great battle. Roberts equips you with a series of tools to help you grapple with the questions and realities he reveals and explores. His personal and professionals anecdotes help you feel like you’re being welcomed into a community of like-minded people all working toward the same goals of better, truer self-acceptance and flourishing. I don’t feel like I’ve bested the shame I still carry, but I feel like I’ve been empowered to approach it from a different perspective—a healthier, more honest perspective.

If the title of this book sounds like it may have something to offer you, I can just about guarantee that it will. I’m glad I read, I’m glad Roberts wrote it, and I expect to return to it often.

Whatever values we decide on for ourselves, as we work toward flourishing for ourselves and for others, we can celebrate when we experience it, and we can offer ourselves kindness when we do things that diminish flourishing and then trust ourselves to move back toward flourishing as we continue on our journey.

[Bethany Dufilho · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great little book, quick read, but by no means simplistic. This was a great way for me to think through and process some of the lasting affects ‘purity culture’ has had on me as well as how I want to transform that narrative for my kids. I want to develop and articulate a sexual ethic that is not rigid but still realistic and healthy. Roberts, though he does not lay out a black and white ethic, gives so much food for thought and scientific research that encourages awareness and acceptance over shame. “The marker of a moral sexual relationship is not our adherence to a list of rules of what is and isn’t acceptable; instead, the measure is what we are communicating with our bodies. Are we expanding connection and flourishing, or are we diminishing connection?”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[Rebekah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was surprised at how much I liked this book. I didn’t set out to reflect on sexual ethics but I’m glad I picked this up. I follow the author online & listen to his podcast, Queerology. So, when I saw him selling autographed books, I thought sure, why not.

He is a clear communicator and has a conversational tone as he integrates education on science/research regarding sex. The book is for a rather targeted audience: those who grew up in purity culture. It helps guide readers in the question of if not that, then what, but it does so without being prescriptive. I appreciate how he frames the last half of the book in paradoxes such as sex is healthy and risky. This book is LGBTQ affirming & inclusive, which is especially needed within church contexts.

[Jettie Kouwen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to this book via Storytel but I am so impressed that I ordered a hard copy. As someone who lived in purity culture for 30 years this book has been such an eye opener. Even though the writer is still christian, and I no longer subscribe to this belief, I at no point in this book felt uncomfortable. I will definitely be rereading this book and recommending it to my fellow purity culture survivors.

[Katie Schroder · Rating 3 out of 5]

wish I read this way way earlier on in life! More of a beginner-friendly purity culture deconstruction

[Olivia · Rating 4 out of 5]

YES—a book on sexual ethics from a gay Christian. I LOVED his exploration on what it means to actually embrace shame and how to move away from heterosexual purity culture to a fully embodied, honest sexuality. Great. SO good no matter your relationship status or sexual orientation. I wish I had this when I was younger, although admittedly, I don’t think I would have been ready to accept it. I will read anything Matthias writes.

May it be noted that this reads more like a “choose your own adventure therapy” and less like anything with an intellectual thesis.

[Sarah Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you grew up in purity culture this book is for you.

[Rachel Palm · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book with a friend, and it sparked a lot of good conversations. One of the things I appreciate is how Roberts defines "the trust floor." This is a part of a relationship that has been built over time through many interactions. If you don't have much of a trust floor with someone, any extensive amount of intimacy, whether it's sex or sharing a lot of vulnerable things about yourself, will probably leave you feeling uncertain, even afraid. I thought this was a really helpful concept to be aware of in any relationship, new or old.

I also really appreciated the way that Roberts defines shame, shamefulness, and shame avoidance. It helped me identify different areas in my life where I experience shame and how I deal with it, if I do deal with it at all.

However, (and this is a pretty big however), I only gave the book two stars because I think that overall, it was not very well developed. There are several places where Roberts builds up ideas and seems poised to make an argument, but does not. He uses the phrase "I argue" maybe once in the entire book. In a book on shame and sex, I expected to find a lot of research to support what he's saying about healthy sex and moving past shame, rather than just stories about people who did what he said in counseling. The biggest problem I had with this book is that he takes points from sessions with clients and then seeks to make a bigger point about people in general. That doesn't work. You can make a specific point about people and then show how it worked out in counseling with a specific client, but to do the opposite with no data to back you up is not helpful.

Roberts is very much pro-masturbation throughout the book, and this was a big issue for me. He gives an example of one of his clients who is not "in touch with her feelings" and does not have any friends. He asks her if she masturbates and, upon finding out that she does not, advises her to do so as a way of "exploring her body." If you subscribe to the idea that sex and masturbation are a way of taking care of your body, then I can definitely understand why Roberts would give this advice. Absolutely, if that was what sex and masturbation were for, then we should all be doing it at least once a week. But I don't believe that. After years of study, I really do believe that sex is designed for two people to experience in a marriage relationship. Since masturbation takes one person out of the equation, it amounts to selfishness. There are plenty of other ways you can have a pleasurable experience that honors your body without resorting to masturbation: dancing, taking a long, hot bath, cooking a delicious meal, going for a good run, etc. The dopamine kick from masturbation can also be pretty addicting. It can very quickly become a coping mechanism, which makes advising people to use it in self-discovery a rather strange option. Roberts could have addressed this, could have mentioned something about why he chose to ask her this and why he thought it would work with this particular client. He does not. Roberts must have also done more work with her on self-discovery and bringing down walls, too, but he does not detail this. It would have been an opportune time to tell the longer story of this woman dealing with shame and her issues with safety. Rather than going into more detail, though, he glosses over it and says that by "exploring her body, she started to learn to trust herself."

There were a couple of things that I thought would make the book better. Since it is marketed as "self-help", having clearly stated questions to help guide people in their development of a sexual ethic at the end of each chapter would have been helpful. Roberts is encouraging people to develop a sexual ethic "on their own terms", but the steps for doing that are not always easy to understand.

Final Thoughts: Sex and shame are two incredibly difficult topics to write about, especially in a first book. I don't agree with everything that Roberts has written, but I definitely applaud his efforts.

[Emily Paddon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good book and I’d recommend it to anyone raised in purity culture. I took off a star because some parts seemed overly simplistic/I wanted more detail.

[Peter Fenton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to get my hands on an advance copy and after reading the entirety of it in only two sittings, it’s amazing! I truly cannot recommend this book enough if you’re looking for a thorough and honest tackle of our relationships with our sex and sexuality from someone who knows what he’s talking about.

Matthias Roberts is a mental health therapist and the host of Queerology (a podcast on belief and being) seeking to help his readers and listeners heal from unhealthy attitudes toward their sexuality (of all stripes — straight or LGBTQ) and does so with his power of wit, heart, and faith woven into every page, spelled out in easily understood terms for those of us with no clinical understanding of sex and sexuality (Hi, that very much includes me)

I’ve recently become aware that I apologize a lot. That had been a recurring theme of the past few months — an ex told me that, a couple friends did as well, and well, once strangers started saying I apologize too much I realized it’s probably true. This book is helping me rethink my relationship to shame in all areas, beyond the constraints maybe even what was intended.

I was struck by this quote toward the end of the book — it really got me thinking. “Despair says, “I’m a terrible person. I can never be good by myself.” It is the voice of shame personified, almost a complete overtaking of our identity by shame. Sadly, so much of our theological teaching and theological language encourages this, as if denigrating ourselves somehow enhances our connection to God”

We need not be paralyzed by despair. We are more than the shame we carry. Buy this book.

[Charles · Rating 5 out of 5]

I discovered Matthias through his podcast, "Queerology," and have been listening since its inception. When I heard he was writing a book, I knew it would be as insightful and helpful as his podcast episodes. This book addresses several issues many have dealt with/are dealing with regarding their sex lives and sexuality. His insights and various personal vignettes really help anchor the reader by creating a sense of relativity and ease the reader into understanding his tips and points. As someone who dealt with outpourings of purity culture while also living closeted, I also really appreciated Matthias's passage on the fruits of the Spirit and his chapter about queerness. If you are someone who has dealt with not knowing how to handle their sexuality or have been fighting with shame or know someone who is, I recommend reading this book. It's a quick read but packed with so much that can aid in healing.

[Tiff Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Trying to reconcile what I have always been taught (evangelical Christianity, purity-culture type stuff) with a sexual ethic that works in real life has always been a struggle. For anyone who is experiencing this same type of thought process, this book would be great for you. Matthias goes about calling out our shame and showing how we can embrace it instead of run away form or ignore it completely in a very practical, smart, and real way. Ways that I didn't even realize shame was creeping in were pointed out, but in a gentle way that then empowers you to move beyond said shame. There are plenty of sources and footnotes, and "testimonials" from Matthias' friends and clients. This book is so well done, I highly recommend it to professionals as a tool to bring more understanding and to readers like myself who are just trying to make sense of things and why we feel the way we do about sex. It is an easy, quick, must-read.

[Em Ksig · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you, Matthias, for the gift of this book. The shame around sex in our culture is suffocating for so many of us, but Matthias bravely puts words to the stories long buried inside. His work is a (no pun intended) God-send for people looking to embark on a journey of sexual healing and liberation. I have a feeling I will be coming back to this book again and again as I continue working through the harmful cultural messages so many of us have received about bodies, sex, and desire. This is the kind of book that makes you want to stop and journal, meditate, or call your best friend and share everything that you're learning. I highly recommend it to those who are doing the difficult but rewarding work of healing their bodies and their sex lives. I honestly can't wait for everyone I know to read it and will be sharing it with anyone who wants to listen!

[Regina Reeves · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a parent of 3 girls, all quickly approaching puberty, this is the book I have been waiting for! I was a product of Purity Culture and although I am not aware of any related trauma to that, I do know that puts me in the minority. I want my girls to know that they can be complete women even if they never get married, and that includes understanding and experiencing their own sexuality. I appreciated that this book was not prescriptive of a particular sexual ethic but that the focus was mental and emotional wholeness and well being. I loved that sex was framed by paradoxes as I feel like that is so in line with reality - things are not so binary and black/white as we have been led to believe! I think that every parent should have this book as a tool as they prepare their kids for adolescence; I sure am glad to have it!

[Jen Ries · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is refreshing and hard because it brings into the light the ways that our shame takes hold of us. I appreciate the wisdom Matthias brings to the conversation as a queer person of faith and as a therapist. This is for straight and queer alike who want to understand themselves and their relationship to sex and to shame. It all exists. It is our awareness that can make all the difference and can provide tools for a transformed heart and a transformed life. Read it!

[Dee · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was a wonderful experience to read about theology that affirms queer Christians.

[Lindsey Mazur · Rating 2 out of 5]

Welcome back to.. finally reading books I purchased! Today’s episode, sexual ethics & shame!

Giving this one two stars, primarily because I felt it was more “chit-chat” than a nonfiction book providing new, well-researched reflection. And it did feel markedly repetitive. The chapters and sections started to blur together in a sea of sameness.

But I will say the intention behind this book is great, and it’s sure to help a lot of people feel seen and understood. I didn’t realize it was going to have such an undertone of religion/spirituality, but that is the author’s lens: the book focuses a lot on unpacking “purity” culture and how sexual shame is born out of conservative Christian ideals. At first, this was a major turn off for me. I expected a more Brene Brown style of shame/vulnerability lit. However.. I stuck with it and was pleasantly surprised to find some of Roberts’s words resonated with a lot of my upbringing and conditioning.

Definitely got a fair bit out of this, but ultimately it felt too much like a long talk I’d have with a friend, and I was looking for much more.

[Hanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book—I was excited about the title and the premise and the author’s identity and the overlap of moving away from purity culture and towards embodied joy. It was a very accessible read. And I really appreciated that the author illustrated his points with stories about queer clients. I might be lacking in imagination…but I think that I wanted something maybe a bit more rigorous or a bit more concrete and specific. I kept mentally comparing it to The Ethical Slut…which gets very specific and concrete with how to treat partners well (tho of course they have very different target audiences and purposes). I did appreciate hearing from someone who had grown up in purity culture and was coming to terms with it as an adult.

[Rosamund · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is mainly focused on the extra layer of sexual shame that comes with being queer in a Christian environment. But if you are feeling the aftershocks of living in purity culture in any way, I would recommend this book. Matthias Roberts writes in a very clear and non-judgemental manner, which is perfect for people who may not have read or heard about these topics in that light before.

I thought some assertions were a bit unfounded or generalised. All in all, though, the book is a great primer for people who have already begun deconstructing or unpacking the attitudes they grew up with.

[Zandy Barner · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting insights and perspectives that are extremely different from my own. I agree that we get to bear witness to work of the Gospel by the fruit of our lives but I do not believe that gives a hallpass to live undisciplined or self-destructive lives. The America Evangelical Church has gone from one extreme to another and is still trying to find the narrow path that leads to life in this area.

Guilt is “I did something bad”
Shame is “I am something bad”

Guilt produces a desire to restore while shame makes us want to run and hide and it thrives in secrecy.

“Men learn to suppress tenderness and care. Masculinity often implies a willingness on the part of boys to stand alone and forgoe relationships. Whereas femininity often implies a willingness of girls to compromise themselves for the sake of relationships”